Is this what defines a good mother these days?

[coffeelover13]

Just had a chat with my mummy friends and talking about our weekend plans .. I said that myself & DH are going away on a baby free weekend. (Baby is 8 months)

They were all shocked & said in quite a judging tone that they could NEVER do that !! How awful for the baby !! Wtf 😂

She will be left with my parents who absolutely ADORE her and I know she'll be well looked after. She's breastfed but takes a bottle or formula if needed. I don't see the issue here.

These ladies seem to think that they are better mothers as they have never left their babies for more than a couple of hours.

Looking back they were also shocked when the babies were 2 months old that my DH was "allowed " to do bath time. Again wtf ? He's her dad and after a long day away with work he loved doing bath time once home so I could have a cuppa.

Am I a bad mum ? When I'm with my DD I give her all of me. But I think it's just as important to spend some time with just my DH. Surely if we're happy as a couple that's a good thing for our DD
One of those "I never leave my baby " is an Instagram wannabe influencer & posts every 2 mins. So yes she's with her DD but spends 50% of her day on her phone. So how am I worse for going away for 2 nights ?

You're fine OP. Just ignore any self-righteous competitive parenting. However this

Not having any kids-free time when you have options to do so is not actually good parenting.

is rubbish.
In 25 years of parenting, I've been away from my children overnight for a grand total of two days. I didn't enjoy it although they were fine. It's not bad parenting to want to be with your kids.

My parents are not grandparenty sort, we live a long way from friends we've had for years also many miles from any family. I also don't think my parents generation really have the energy (i had kids late, so did they). So if someone is describing to me leaving their kids with grandparents when I say I could never i mean it literally! They are too old, my youngest barely knows them and won't go to bed for others, they live hours away. Maybe they just mean thats not an option they have. But from talking. At the school gate to grandparents locally (i seem to be mistaken for a gran a lot) have a lot of resentment about being used for childcare. I'd highly recommend a very serious conversation to check it is as ok as you think. Most grandparents seem the most judgy about it here.

@oviraptor21

You're fine OP. Just ignore any self-righteous competitive parenting. However this

Not having any kids-free time when you have options to do so is not actually good parenting.

is rubbish.
In 25 years of parenting, I've been away from my children overnight for a grand total of two days. I didn't enjoy it although they were fine. It's not bad parenting to want to be with your kids.

Sorry but that is NUTS!!!! in 25 years you have spent 2 nights away from your kids??? 25 fucking YEARS??????? Are you for real?

We have loads of family and my eldest is nearly 11, my family and in-laws have never ever babysit. No special reason in my family's case , they just don't, I asked them maybe one as I had a minor surgery and it wa a massive deal and 3 kids handed straight back over the second I was back. My parents are older now but even when younger would never have minded them. I don't judge ppl for getting a break but I hate when everyone assumes others have the same options. There's no way we can go away for a night, it's 10 euros an hour here and that would be a v expensive weekend and we have 3 relatively young kids so wouldn't dream of leaving them overnights with a teenager or stranger.

Op I hope you have a wonderful weekend away and you are so so lucky to have ppl and support around you both. Just remember loads of parents don't have that and aren't trying to martyr themselves , they just can't get away together.
Me and my DH swap over loads and do plenty but it's crap not having time away the two of us but that's just the way it is!

@minniep you can’t see what’s weird about a
Mother not letting the father bathe their baby?

This is not a new thing, parents were judging each other for this stuff when my teenager was a baby.

I wouldn't/couldn't leave them at that age. But I don't care what somebody else does and it's bonkers to think it makes you a good/bad mum

Such attitudes make me laugh, they really do believe that being a Mum is akin to being a saint. Your baby won't give a stuff if you are there or not, she will be pampered by her Grandparents. She will not grow up to have separation issues because you left her for the weekend. I must have been a terrible Mother, i let every man and his dog hold my baby, the "big" girls ( aged 10 or so) used to walk them around the block in the pram, i weaned them from 12 weeks, they had duvets and cot bumpers i left them outside of shops and from 6 weeks old i left them with their Father and went into town on the bus to get shopping. My lot are just normal happy adults.

Having a break and coming back feeling refreshed is beneficial to both you and baby. Have a lovely weekend away and leave the other mothers to it,

The thing is ppl on here are saying over and over again how they can't imagine never getting a break as a couple etc etc while mentioning their relatives who help . Some ppl don't have that option , my family just don't help at all, even when I have been ill alone with all 3 tiny kids id get loads of virtual support and get better soon and I was on my knees at times, nothing will induce them to help, it's almost a principle with them. And @Ghostofchristmaspasty said it becomes so alien as you just aren't at all used to any help or your DC's ever being taken care of by someone else. Of course my DH and I go away and take time out separately but we CAN'T as a couple. Of course it's lovely to get away together but many ppl just don't have the option. In real life my friends are the same , the amount of events that only one of us can attend and then we get asked but why isn't DH there " we don't have babysitters, we can't get away together".

No you’re not a bad mum it’s so important that you have time to yourself. I can’t understand why some people think your life and identity ends when you have a child. What do they do when they’re children grow up and are no longer dependent on them?

My DD has stayed at her grandparents one night a week from an early age and it’s lovely to see how at home she is with family. She is a very independent child and doesn’t have a meltdown if you’re out of her sight for a minute. It also makes me feel assured that if something were to happen to me and her father she’d be ok and would have a place she feels comfortable at.

YANBU and I hope you have an absolutely lovely weekend. Enjoy every minute. 🥂

Sorry but that is NUTS!!!! in 25 years you have spent 2 nights away from your kids??? 25 fucking YEARS??????? Are you for real
If the poster has several children spread over a wide-ish age range that wouldn't be particularly odd in my opinion. I doubt she means she has never been apart from the 25 year old.
My children range from mid 20s to mid teens and there have been very few nights when there hasn't been at least one of them with us. Not both parents all the time it's true, due to work commitments, but I can only recall 2 or 3 nights when someone other than DH or I looked after them. My in laws stayed over once and my sister has had them once or twice. Doesn't seem to have harmed any of us as far as I can tell.

@Owieeee

The thing is ppl on here are saying over and over again how they can't imagine never getting a break as a couple etc etc while mentioning their relatives who help . Some ppl don't have that option , my family just don't help at all, even when I have been ill alone with all 3 tiny kids id get loads of virtual support and get better soon and I was on my knees at times, nothing will induce them to help, it's almost a principle with them. And *@Ghostofchristmaspasty* said it becomes so alien as you just aren't at all used to any help or your DC's ever being taken care of by someone else. Of course my DH and I go away and take time out separately but we CAN'T as a couple. Of course it's lovely to get away together but many ppl just don't have the option. In real life my friends are the same , the amount of events that only one of us can attend and then we get asked but why isn't DH there " we don't have babysitters, we can't get away together".

I feel you. I am NC with my whole family, none of them have ever even met my three children, so not even virtual support there. DHs parents are very good but they live abroad most of the year and when they are here they prefer catching up with friends and things to babysitting, although they love our children. They will take them out and even overnight sometimes but individually, so obviously will still have the other two children to look after. I can't blame them though, my kids are 2, 4 and 6 so pretty full on!

I'm the only one out of my friends who doesn't get some sort of weekly childcare and weekend type babysitting from family. Most people I know get a lot of help.

@AgeingDoc

Sorry but that is NUTS!!!! in 25 years you have spent 2 nights away from your kids??? 25 fucking YEARS??????? Are you for real If the poster has several children spread over a wide-ish age range that wouldn't be particularly odd in my opinion. I doubt she means she has never been apart from the 25 year old. My children range from mid 20s to mid teens and there have been very few nights when there hasn't been at least one of them with us. Not both parents all the time it's true, due to work commitments, but I can only recall 2 or 3 nights when someone other than DH or I looked after them. My in laws stayed over once and my sister has had them once or twice. Doesn't seem to have harmed any of us as far as I can tell.

I just think that is bizarre, your kids are all over 15 and some in their 20's and you and your hubby have "looked after" them every night except 2. In 25 years? Utterly utterly bizarre. They are adults!

@Lesperance

I don't think they are jealous, I would not have left my eight month old either. And I wouldn't have been jealous of anybody who did. The bath thing is weird. But you are judging them too. You clearly find it hard to image that anybody could have a different relationship with their baby than you do with yours. Neither of you is right, but you should learn to be a bit more secure in your decisions, because this will not be the last time that you will chose to do things differently to other people.

@Lesperance can someone please tell me why the bath thing is weird!!!

I can only imagine that people who says they could "never leave" an 8 month old child have no trusted family members who will take said child. Otherwise it's an attitude I quite literally can't fathom. How can people not be DYING for a break after 8 months of baby drudge?! I wouldn't have left my children with anyone but my mum at that age. My mum was heavily involved in their care since birth and so leaving them with her was akin to leaving them with their father, in fact it was better for them as mum was way better with them than DH when they were babies/toddlers.

We went on a 10 day trip to America when they were about 10months and 2yo and left them with my mum. It was brilliant. I'm sure some may have raised eyebrows but no one dared raise it with me! I never really question my mothering and wouldn't allow anyone else to either - I refuse to engage in that sexism. The majority of mothers give their mind, body and soul to their DC when they're little. We serve more holidays if anything! So when you ask "am I a bad mum?" I feel irritated - you're feeding into that nonsense. You KNOW you're not a bad mum. Don't let people influence you like that. Particularly people who are most likely jealous, martyrs, or riddled with internalised misogyny.

Enjoy your well deserved break

Of course you aren't a bad mother!!!

If you're comfortable leaving your daughter for the weekend with her grandparents there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I say that as a mother who wasn't comfortable being apart from my daughter until very recently (she is 12mo). If you are happy and baby is happy, ffs there isn't a problem!

Sometimes you need to have some time to yourself and with your partner, just do whatever works for you guys and ignore their frankly stupid comments

The bath thing is really weird btw

I left my dd at 6 months to go to a friends wedding, she was with her nan and apart from my boobs feeling like they were going to go pop it was fine!!

I also went on holiday abroad without her for a week when she was 3yo and again when she was 4 😬 again she was with her nan and we both had a lovely time.

@Chonfox

I can only imagine that people who says they could "never leave" an 8 month old child have no trusted family members who will take said child. Otherwise it's an attitude I quite literally can't fathom. How can people not be DYING for a break after 8 months of baby drudge?! I wouldn't have left my children with anyone but my mum at that age. My mum was heavily involved in their care since birth and so leaving them with her was akin to leaving them with their father, in fact it was better for them as mum was way better with them than DH when they were babies/toddlers.

We went on a 10 day trip to America when they were about 10months and 2yo and left them with my mum. It was brilliant. I'm sure some may have raised eyebrows but no one dared raise it with me! I never really question my mothering and wouldn't allow anyone else to either - I refuse to engage in that sexism. The majority of mothers give their mind, body and soul to their DC when they're little. We serve more holidays if anything! So when you ask "am I a bad mum?" I feel irritated - you're feeding into that nonsense. You KNOW you're not a bad mum. Don't let people influence you like that. Particularly people who are most likely jealous, martyrs, or riddled with internalised misogyny.

Enjoy your well deserved break

I trust my mil and my own mother very much but my daughter spends her time mostly with me (maternity ).She sometimes doesn't settle with my partner even (he has a job and only looks after her after work ) .Mother and child has a different relationship and some are ok being apart some have separation anxiety. I Would love to get time away but I start to get anxious and I know she does too if its too long.

*I just think that is bizarre, your kids are all over 15 and some in their 20's and you and your hubby have "looked after" them every night except 2. In 25 years? Utterly utterly bizarre. They are adults.
My eldest lives with her partner and runs her own business. Of course I don't look after her. But because there is a big age gap, when she left home, the youngest was still in primary school and obviously couldn't be left alone. The arithmetic isn't terribly difficult. If you have children with a fairly wide age range, you are obviously going to have at least one who is dependent for far longer than if you only have one or a couple with a small age gap.
And no, I don't consider a 15 year old an adult. Whilst it isn't actually illegal to leave a child of that age alone overnight, it certainly isn't recommended. Both the NSPCC and the government suggest 16 as the minimum age it's reasonable to leave a child alone overnight.

@Echobelly

Yeah, some people are martyrs. I totally get and have sympathy for people who don't have money or family for extended childcare and never get out because of that, but I'll admit I rolleyes at people who say things like 'We've been invited to a childfree wedding with the bride paying for luxury accommodation. My parents live round the corner and are very happy to have the kids (6 & 8), but we've never had a single night out since they were born because I feel so baaaaad about leaving them. Should we go?'

Not having any kids-free time when you have options to do so is not actually good parenting.

Can't do right for doing wrong can we?

I'm not a good parent because I don't leave my baby now.

Honestly, you're being just as ridiculous as these women the OP has been talking to.

You are allowed your own interests and life away from your children.

Equally, you are allowed not to be bothered about that without being accused of martyrdom.

I think it's just a difference in people and personalities.
A mum at my dds nursery was asking about holidays, and I mentioned that I was going away in the summer for a friends wedding, but leaving dd and dh at home ... and she was baffled. Couldn't understand how I could have a holiday without my husband and child. I didn't feel judged, I just laughed it off and understood that her ideals were different than mine.
I never thought she meant to be tell me I was a bad mum either, and if she did then that reflects her and not me.