Is this what defines a good mother these days?

[coffeelover13]

Just had a chat with my mummy friends and talking about our weekend plans .. I said that myself & DH are going away on a baby free weekend. (Baby is 8 months)

They were all shocked & said in quite a judging tone that they could NEVER do that !! How awful for the baby !! Wtf 😂

She will be left with my parents who absolutely ADORE her and I know she'll be well looked after. She's breastfed but takes a bottle or formula if needed. I don't see the issue here.

These ladies seem to think that they are better mothers as they have never left their babies for more than a couple of hours.

Looking back they were also shocked when the babies were 2 months old that my DH was "allowed " to do bath time. Again wtf ? He's her dad and after a long day away with work he loved doing bath time once home so I could have a cuppa.

Am I a bad mum ? When I'm with my DD I give her all of me. But I think it's just as important to spend some time with just my DH. Surely if we're happy as a couple that's a good thing for our DD
One of those "I never leave my baby " is an Instagram wannabe influencer & posts every 2 mins. So yes she's with her DD but spends 50% of her day on her phone. So how am I worse for going away for 2 nights ?

Sounds like you’ve got the balance right in lots of ways.

Have a nice weekend away. I wish I were you this evening.

@RedRobyn2021

The bath thing is really weird btw

@RedRobyn2021 what's wrong with a dad bathing the baby at 8 weeks?? I honestly don't get it

I really want to know what's weird about the dad bathing his kid at 2 months old😂 I seriously don't get it

In 25 years of parenting, I've been away from my children overnight for a grand total of two days. I didn't enjoy it although they were fine. It's not bad parenting to want to be with your kids.

That is crazy

How can people not be DYING for a break after 8 months of baby drudge?!

I just never felt like this.

My life and identity didnt end when I had kids. But it changed. It grew. I'm ok with that. My identity will continue to change and grow as they do, don't worry I'll be just fine when they move on and leave home!

OP, so tell them straight and then walk away. No one needs ‘friends’ like these.
You said one is an influencer and posts all the time - tell her straight. ‘Well, I don’t think it’s great parenting to spend half the day on your phone but you seem to .’
Don’t sit there in silence while they make you feel you bad.
Can you tell I was the bottle feeding mum who responded firmly to a couple of mum-martyred breast feeding mums when they commented ?

I regard it as a service to unknown others who might not be able to cope with the unhelpful or unpleasant comments as robustly as I can. If I make just one of them think twice about comments like that in future I have done a good deed. Making someone feel bad about leaving an 8 month baby with loving grandparents needs a firm response.
Have a great weekend!

Comparing your own choices with other people's is an enormous waste of time and energy and rarely ends well.

This is the best piece of advice I’ve ever seen on MN….

@AgeingDoc

*I just think that is bizarre, your kids are all over 15 and some in their 20's and you and your hubby have "looked after" them every night except 2. In 25 years? Utterly utterly bizarre. They are adults. My eldest lives with her partner and runs her own business. Of course I don't look after her. But because there is a big age gap, when she left home, the youngest was still in primary school and obviously couldn't be left alone. The arithmetic isn't terribly difficult. If you have children with a fairly wide age range, you are obviously going to have at least one who is dependent for far longer than if you only have one or a couple with a small age gap. And no, I don't consider a 15 year old an adult. Whilst it isn't actually illegal to leave a child of that age alone overnight, it certainly isn't recommended. Both the NSPCC and the government suggest 16 as the minimum age it's reasonable to leave a child alone overnight.

Nobody ever mentioned alone. We were talking with someone else like grandparents.

@Chonfox

I can only imagine that people who says they could "never leave" an 8 month old child have no trusted family members who will take said child. Otherwise it's an attitude I quite literally can't fathom. How can people not be DYING for a break after 8 months of baby drudge?! I wouldn't have left my children with anyone but my mum at that age. My mum was heavily involved in their care since birth and so leaving them with her was akin to leaving them with their father, in fact it was better for them as mum was way better with them than DH when they were babies/toddlers.

We went on a 10 day trip to America when they were about 10months and 2yo and left them with my mum. It was brilliant. I'm sure some may have raised eyebrows but no one dared raise it with me! I never really question my mothering and wouldn't allow anyone else to either - I refuse to engage in that sexism. The majority of mothers give their mind, body and soul to their DC when they're little. We serve more holidays if anything! So when you ask "am I a bad mum?" I feel irritated - you're feeding into that nonsense. You KNOW you're not a bad mum. Don't let people influence you like that. Particularly people who are most likely jealous, martyrs, or riddled with internalised misogyny.

Enjoy your well deserved break

I didn't have people I could leave my children with. But I'm sure I wouldn't have wanted to leave them. But I can't fathom getting into a situation whereby your mum is more reliable carer than your child's father, when you are married and living together. That's why it felt like drudgery to you. Not everybody has the same experience.

@bluesk75

I really want to know what's weird about the dad bathing his kid at 2 months old😂 I seriously don't get it

Because you think that the poster was saying it's weird for a dad to do the bath at 2 months. The poster was probably saying that it is weird that Looking back they were also shocked when the babies were 2 months old that my DH was "allowed " to do bath time. Some people think they might have a point about leaving the baby, but that the attitude to dads doing bath is weird. Actually I do think this is very, very odd, on the OP's side. What kind of a martyrish mother does all the baths for eight weeks? Talk about a rod for your own back!

@coffeelover13

Thanks all

Started to feel like I'm not that great of a mum for being ok with leaving her for 2 nights with people that love her

So in effect you're leaving your 8 months old for 3 days if going for 2 nights.

Yes, I'd judge you too!

Matters not that the grandparents love her, they're not their primary caregiver. She will feel abandoned.

Some people are ridiculous ^^

I have very fond memories of staying with my grandparents and also my great grandparents. Staying from when I was a baby doesn't seem to have done me any harm either

@ChoiceMummy

I don't remember feeling abandoned when I was a few months old and my own parents left me with my grandparents for a few nights 😃

I don't want to leave my baby. Doesn't mean I'm better than you and vice versa.

Can you imagine have @ChoiceMummy as a mother? Her children will keep so much from her, for fear of the cats bum mouth and nasty judgement.
And as for asking @choicemummy to look after your child whilst you go away for a couple of nights? Never. Going. To. Happen.

Ultimately mothers like this lose out

I don't remember feeling abandoned when I was a few months old and my own parents left me with my grandparents for a few nights

Not remembering something is not proof that it didn't have any long term effect on you. Or that, if it didn't affect you, it won't affect any other baby.

The secure attachment a young baby has to it's primary caregiver is a big deal. And yes, it's likely that suddenly withdrawing the PC from a x month old baby for a significant period of time will be noticed by them. And cause distress to some degree.

Personally I didn't leave mine for a night at that age let alone several days. And yes, I do think that's the far 'better' parenting choice for young babies. I'll say it seeing as there are so many fence sitters on this thread who are hinting but won't say it.

I definitely feel for the parents who just can't leave their little ones due to not having enough support or due to breastfeeding or anxiety etc but can confirm that those are not the reasons why my friends won't leave their babies. They genuinely think they would fail their children if they do anything like this for themselves

Anyway thanks all hope you all have a great weekend xx

@ChoiceMummy

Why are you like this? 😂

Your not a bad mum simply cause your worried about being one.
Bad mums couldn’t give a fig if people thought they were bad mums.

Personally I wouldn’t of left my baby for a weekend - my dd is 7.5 and I don’t like her sleeping overnight anywhere to this day

• that’s not because I’m a better mum but simply because I’ve got bad anxiety

Maybe I’m a bad mum for not letting my daughter experience sleepovers often? 🤷🏻‍♀️

This thread and the hyperbole on it is fucking hilarious

@FinnulaFloss

I don't remember feeling abandoned when I was a few months old and my own parents left me with my grandparents for a few nights

Not remembering something is not proof that it didn't have any long term effect on you. Or that, if it didn't affect you, it won't affect any other baby.

The secure attachment a young baby has to it's primary caregiver is a big deal. And yes, it's likely that suddenly withdrawing the PC from a x month old baby for a significant period of time will be noticed by them. And cause distress to some degree.

Personally I didn't leave mine for a night at that age let alone several days. And yes, I do think that's the far 'better' parenting choice for young babies. I'll say it seeing as there are so many fence sitters on this thread who are hinting but won't say it.

… you know I think the PP is right OP.

Book the therapy NOW 😱

Not enough eye rolls in the world…

From my previous post about not having willing/able family add:

I've used babysitters - they are expensive and unreliable in my experience.

I've used annual leave for a day off with DH whilst kids are in nursery- had comments from nursery about parents not spending holiday with their kids.

We have been invited to a child free wedding and PIL have agreed to babysit. Youngest child is now 5yo so they could survive a weekend by themselves - which is pretty much the standard I need before PIL could manage them. I also know I could call in a favour from friends.

I'll be judged for saying that I'm sure!!

But if you have your mum/relatives on hand - you've probably never experienced having to take your child to your doctors appt when you have a smear etc. There is nowhere to leave them!!

Enjoy your freedom but understand not everyone has help.

BTW, OP, you mention "these days' in your thread title. I've been on MN for 20 years, and this discussion has been cropping up every other day for all that time. So it's definitely not a "these days" thing...

I would love 2 nights baby free!! Unfortunately we don’t have family close by, otherwise I would jump at the chance. I would not worry about being away for the night at all, my baby sleeps straight through so they wouldn’t even know I was away!!