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AIBU?

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Original poster

WWYD- BIL has ‘spoiled’ dh weekend away

285 replies

LoveDaisy · 25/02/2022 12:33

DH’s brother surprised him a few weeks ago with a weekend stay following an outdoor event that will take up most of the day. It was so they could have some quality time away and as gift for dh, he paid for mostly everything. His brother had booked it for a weekend where Dh and I was supposed to celebrate an anniversary so, we changed dates so he could go on the trip. For context, Dh absolutely deserves some time away for himself, so no issue with the trip itself although the timing was off, I was ok changing the dates for him.

Dd was teething this week and ended up with a nasty cold which has meant little sleep for us all. I’ve now caught her cold on top of the infection I have which I’m antibiotics for. So I’m feeling like I’m on my knees trying to push through. But now dh has called to say he is disappointed in his brother… as he has booked tickets for their nephews too (their sister’s children age 3 &4) and had no intention of telling dh! It slipped out and Dh is now saying the vibe of the whole trip has completely changed. It’s not quality time, it’s baby sitting for a weekend. Nephew (3) is not potty trained and they both have never stayed away from their parents. Brother in law has a tendency to do this kind of thing 🙄
With myself and dd sick and the two toddlers attending, Dh is torn as he wants to cancel but his brother has spent a lot of money. The trip is for this weekend and dh has only just found out now, despite his brother booking over a week ago.

OP posts:
DryOldCaper · 25/02/2022 19:54

@Mummy1608

However, dh feels his brother would hold a grudge if he didn’t turn up

Hmm, I think I'd hold a grudge against my husband if he DID go lol.

Why is he such a yes-man to everyone except his own wife...? That's really not ok

Exactly.

As ever, this really is not about the issue being posted about, but about something deeper and more insidious.

Time for DH to strap on a pair.

marqueses · 25/02/2022 19:55

This is madness, why is your DH being such a wimp about it? Why is everyone scared of speaking up with to the BIL?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/02/2022 20:01

@LoveDaisy

If he does go . . . will you give us an update on the sheer hell he gets put through, please?

Because I can see BiL leaving your DH with all the"baby work" - including nappies and broken nights.

LyricalBlowToTheJaw · 25/02/2022 20:08

@GabriellaMontez

I'd hit the fucking roof if dh left me to look after our child (whilst ill) while he went to look after someone elses kids. Because his brother told him to.
If this was me he'd be taking ours with him as well.
Ellie56 · 25/02/2022 20:27

I'd be letting rip and telling him he either takes your kids with him or he doesn't go at all. Prioritising BIL over you is not acceptable, especially when you are ill.

PeacefulPrune · 25/02/2022 20:33

DH needs to tell his bro directly that he is disappointed. They both should do some problem solving.

I'd still want DH to go but take DD if possible.

shiningstar2 · 25/02/2022 20:40

Seems your dh was looking forward to a bit of child free quality time with his db, which you were quite happy for him to have, even though you would be left at home caring for your own and dh's dc while you weren't feeling great yourself/

It's a very different break when small children are included into the mix. He has exchanged being at home with you and his own dc for being away looking after other peoples. No doubt he would rather have been at home where he could have supported you.

EmpressCixi · 25/02/2022 21:07

How is BIL “babysitting” when these are his own children who have never spent a night away from him? This is rank sexism. I think your DH was an idiot to think an invitation to come and stay for the weekend with his brother would be kid free. BIL is a dad, visiting him in his house is going to include his children. And FGS can we please stop with the sexist trope of calling it “babysitting” when a man is caring for his own damn kids.

HaveringWavering · 25/02/2022 21:08

@EmpressCixi

How is BIL “babysitting” when these are his own children who have never spent a night away from him? This is rank sexism. I think your DH was an idiot to think an invitation to come and stay for the weekend with his brother would be kid free. BIL is a dad, visiting him in his house is going to include his children. And FGS can we please stop with the sexist trope of calling it “babysitting” when a man is caring for his own damn kids.
They are not his children. They are the children of his sister.
EmpressCixi · 25/02/2022 21:10

i thought they were the DHs nephews with BIL and DH’s sister as the parents?

HaveringWavering · 25/02/2022 21:13

You thought wrong @EmpressCixi.

You’re not the only Mumsnetter who objects to the idea that men should ever be described as “babysitting” their own children. It is a very widely-held view in this site. Did you really, really think that all these previous posters, on this forum, were saying that?!

LIZS · 25/02/2022 21:14

Op says he has booked tickets for their nephews too (their sister’s children age 3 &4) . So not bil dc.

HaveringWavering · 25/02/2022 21:15

OP’s DH is one of three (or more) siblings. His sister is OP’s SIL, his brother is OP’s BIL.

EmpressCixi · 25/02/2022 21:19

@HaveringWavering
I had only read the first 2 pages. 8 pages is a bit long to go through.
My mistake though.

Morgan12 · 25/02/2022 21:20

It's not very clear who's kids they are and despite numerous people asking OP still hasn't confirmed.

olympicsrock · 25/02/2022 21:31

In the OP she says that her children belong to the sister of DH and BIL.

Awrite · 25/02/2022 21:32

Your illness has given your dh the perfect excuse to pull out. Not that he needs one.

Instead, he's so in thrall to his brother that he's going to look after 2 toddlers for the weekend.

Hell mend him. He deserves what he's about to endure.

Would he stay if you asked him to? If not, I think I'd go right off him.

EmpressCixi · 25/02/2022 21:33

@Morgan12
Thank you. I’m trying to wrap my head around why a 3 and 4 yr old would be off with two uncles for an entire weekend with one of the men not a parent? It’s highly unlikely as the children are so young. I agree it’s not very clear....

Awrite · 25/02/2022 21:34

'their sister's children, aged 3 & 4' is in the fucking op for those hard of understanding.

EmpressCixi · 25/02/2022 21:36

@Awrite

'their sister's children, aged 3 & 4' is in the fucking op for those hard of understanding.
Then how is the man a BIL to the DH and the OP? Wouldn’t he be the DHs DB? Not “BIL”?

The “fucking op” is hard to understand.

Awrite · 25/02/2022 21:38

He's BIL to op.

Wtfdoipick · 25/02/2022 21:42

First line of the op "dh brother invited him away". The dc are described as their(plural) nephews, theirs sisters children. It is perfectly clear if you read the op

Beees · 25/02/2022 21:47

@Wtfdoipick

First line of the op "dh brother invited him away". The dc are described as their(plural) nephews, theirs sisters children. It is perfectly clear if you read the op
Agreed. I really don't understand why anyone is struggling to comprehend that they are not the BILs children. I appreciate reading 8 pages might be too much for some but I don't think the OP could have been much clearer in her opening post.
Wtfdoipick · 25/02/2022 21:49

dh has called to say he is disappointed in his brother… as he has booked tickets for their nephews too (their sister’s children

Just in case anyone wants to argue about it i took that directly from the op

Rewritethestars1 · 25/02/2022 21:53

Bil wanted to play cool uncle and has imagined a weekend of fun as 4 'boys'. Bil is an idiot. When the toddlers go crazy because they are bored, scared, overtired and missing mummy, bil will flounder and dh will end up in charge and doing all the work with 2 screaming toddlers miles from home.
Bil is fun uncle and has no clue. He clearly does not have children because if he did he would have an idea how ridiculous and hellish this will be.
I think sil is also ridiculous allowing her two toddlers to go away so far, with childless uncle, when they have never stayed away from her. Can she not forsee what is going to happen and how distressed her toddlers will be. Id never agree to this no matter how much I needed a break. She is going to be greeted with two overwrought children on their return probably creating more work for her in the long run anyway.

Dh will return exhausted and stressed.

Your dh must be able to see how stressful this weekend will be. Hes a father. Why is is going along with this.