WWYD- BIL has ‘spoiled’ dh weekend away

[LoveDaisy]

DH’s brother surprised him a few weeks ago with a weekend stay following an outdoor event that will take up most of the day. It was so they could have some quality time away and as gift for dh, he paid for mostly everything. His brother had booked it for a weekend where Dh and I was supposed to celebrate an anniversary so, we changed dates so he could go on the trip. For context, Dh absolutely deserves some time away for himself, so no issue with the trip itself although the timing was off, I was ok changing the dates for him.

Dd was teething this week and ended up with a nasty cold which has meant little sleep for us all. I’ve now caught her cold on top of the infection I have which I’m antibiotics for. So I’m feeling like I’m on my knees trying to push through. But now dh has called to say he is disappointed in his brother… as he has booked tickets for their nephews too (their sister’s children age 3 &4) and had no intention of telling dh! It slipped out and Dh is now saying the vibe of the whole trip has completely changed. It’s not quality time, it’s baby sitting for a weekend. Nephew (3) is not potty trained and they both have never stayed away from their parents. Brother in law has a tendency to do this kind of thing 🙄
With myself and dd sick and the two toddlers attending, Dh is torn as he wants to cancel but his brother has spent a lot of money. The trip is for this weekend and dh has only just found out now, despite his brother booking over a week ago.

@londoncallingme they are another sibling's kids.

He should just tell him that since the kids are coming it’s better he takes his wife and they all enjoy a family weekend while your DH looks after you as you’re ill.

It’s their sister’s boys.

If I were your DH I would book another room for himself then he can have the rest and BIL can look after the kids. He obviously hasn’t ever done this before. Where are the kids going to be when they are taking part in the activity. I can’t imagine taking a 3 and 4 year old kayaking, golfing, hill walking, bike racing, motor cross.

What is the activity OP?

I would plan to do nothing if you can. Snuggles with baby on the sofa with blankets and snacks. Order take away if possible or beg a friend to get you one or SIL if she hasn’t zipped off for a child free weekend.
Hope you feel better soon.

That is a gem of a BIL you have. Notch it up in your brain and get it out for pay back time if he has a DP /DW/ DH and kids. Yours will be older by then.🤣

Certainly seems odd

All the best and recovery op

Just let DH know that you think BIL is a sly b'stard and you are sorry he has been tricked into babysitting. Be on his side.
He will be on his guard if BIL suggests another brother bonding weekend.
Your BIL sounds awful. If I were you I'd feel sorry for your DH rather than annoyed.

@SmellyOldOwls

YANBU but you could use this to your advantage, get DH to take your kids so you get a rest this weekend, kids all get to play together, DH and brother spend some time together?

Definitely the best solution since the whole dynamic has changed. Surely the bil couldn’t have an issue with it 😉

He wants to cancel, tell his brother, that you and your child are sick, so he has to look after you guys. He also wants to say, that knowing the kids are coming has made his mind up, as he doesn't want to pass, what you guys have on to them too. Its only a small lie, but a very reasonable one.

@Teeturtle

Perhaps he thought it would be nice to spend time with the nephews?

I cannot imagine myself cancelling something because I found out my young niece was attending.

If the weekend was originally intended as an adult event then the BIL has changed that. Believe it or not, not everyone wants to spend their time with children, they can be a real pest.

@BluebellsGreenbells

So BIL is babysitting and has roped DH into helping him as a gift - lovely.

I’d cancel. Tell BIL he can find another friend to go with.

What’s the activity?

Your husband has the ideal reason to not go as you are ill. he could mention that it is a shame as he was looking forward to a child free break due to lack of sleep with your baby. If that doesn't through to his bro, nothing will. He should definitely cancel - you are VERY poorly aren't you?! so need him at home

@Morgysmum

He wants to cancel, tell his brother, that you and your child are sick, so he has to look after you guys. He also wants to say, that knowing the kids are coming has made his mind up, as he doesn't want to pass, what you guys have on to them too. Its only a small lie, but a very reasonable one.

I agree with this^. As you are ill and the baby is teething, DH cannot leave you alone - shame that - but his bro is a sneaky cf

Anyone else wondering what outdoor event would be good for two adults and also a treat for two pre-schoolers?

@Franca123

I think it's beyond rude to take kids on what has previously been sold as an adult holiday. Particularly once it's all paid for. It's just a dick move.

I agree. Manipulative wanker.

@LoveDaisy
Thank you everyone. Dh would not have agreed had he known.

BIL has said "thought I'd be nice for us all to spend time together" and nothing more. Dh made me soup, took the kids out so I could nap and did everything that needed doing...but he's going!

There's a weird dynamic with the in laws where no one ever questions BIL, it's his way or no way kind of thing. This sort of thing has happened before. I think that's the real issue here and what is frustrating to me.

I said to Dh this is a the opportunity to implement boundaries with bil and even if he holds it against you, you haven't done anything wrong as he 'tricked' you into babysitting with him. He has put had to put clear boundaries in place over the years.

I can see an overnight bag packed 😳 I think I’ll have a conversation once I’ve collected myself a bit!

Wow OP, any update? FWIW I think it's time the family dynamic changed, BIL sounds like a bully. DH should say, 'sorry bro, you said it was just going to be us for a weekend away now it's to be spent babysitting DSis' children. Well, DW is not well and my own DC is teething, so I'll be needed at home. Hope you can find another babysitter.'

He should say he thought it was just the two of them and was really looking forward to spending quality time with him and why has he invited his nephews without asking him and if he was inviting them, then why not his niece.

The OP has already said, Dd is breast fed and honestly, it’s not somewhere kids would even enjoy! I wouldn’t have dreamt of taking our toddler there

She said this yesterday at 13.00.

@Teeturtle

Perhaps he thought it would be nice to spend time with the nephews?

I cannot imagine myself cancelling something because I found out my young niece was attending.

Lol! No chance! BIL has been sly. The whole purpose and dynamics of the trip have been changed. The OP’s DH has been conned and manipulated.

@Teeturtle

Perhaps he thought it would be nice to spend time with the nephews?

I cannot imagine myself cancelling something because I found out my young niece was attending.

Even if your spouse was ill and looking after a small child?

I bet he'd said that he'd babysit the kids assuming his wife would do the work, but then, closer to the time, his wife said no bloody way. So he booked the w/e away so he could say "look, impossible, I'm away with my bro" but she said he could take kids with him or maybe she just walked out on him.

I have a whole script in my head.

Sounds like your BIL has some major communication issues, not checking the date first, or that your husband would want to go (given the full details & babysitting duty) I'm really curious about what the outdoor event is, any why your BIL thinks it's a good idea to take two young children that haven't stayed away from their parents before. I'd be annoyed, because a bit of upfront honesty would have been good - but.... As others have said, could be nice to spend time with the nephews, I presume there is a reason that the sister is sending her kids away for the weekend? If your husband didn't go, would BIL be able to handle the kids by himself?

But if he cancels... Will the BIL still go with the nephews? He sounds like a bit of an idiot, obviously never had them overnight before, and an outdoor trip away doesn't sound like the best first trip away from parents.... So I'd feel like I still had to go for the nephews sake. Nothing to do with bil spending a lot of money, that was his own stupid fault.

I'd be so peed off. Time away is a totally different prospect when you find out someone wants to bring kids into the equation.

Someone had to take one for the team by looking after your own kids, so why would you want to look after someone else's?

If my husband went away for the weekend to mind someone else’s children, barring a medical emergency, I’d be pissed… and that’s not even while I was sick!

Time away doing adult stuff? Have fun! Missing time with your own kids to mind someone else’s, like hell.

If he wants to give a Mom a weekend off, he can do it for his wife, not his sister.

And his brother lied to him. I’d cancel on that reason alone.

What @ChubbyMorticia says!

I'd leave them to it. They are big boys and I'm sure they can work it out one way or another.