Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD- BIL has ‘spoiled’ dh weekend away

285 replies

LoveDaisy · 25/02/2022 12:33

DH’s brother surprised him a few weeks ago with a weekend stay following an outdoor event that will take up most of the day. It was so they could have some quality time away and as gift for dh, he paid for mostly everything. His brother had booked it for a weekend where Dh and I was supposed to celebrate an anniversary so, we changed dates so he could go on the trip. For context, Dh absolutely deserves some time away for himself, so no issue with the trip itself although the timing was off, I was ok changing the dates for him.

Dd was teething this week and ended up with a nasty cold which has meant little sleep for us all. I’ve now caught her cold on top of the infection I have which I’m antibiotics for. So I’m feeling like I’m on my knees trying to push through. But now dh has called to say he is disappointed in his brother… as he has booked tickets for their nephews too (their sister’s children age 3 &4) and had no intention of telling dh! It slipped out and Dh is now saying the vibe of the whole trip has completely changed. It’s not quality time, it’s baby sitting for a weekend. Nephew (3) is not potty trained and they both have never stayed away from their parents. Brother in law has a tendency to do this kind of thing 🙄
With myself and dd sick and the two toddlers attending, Dh is torn as he wants to cancel but his brother has spent a lot of money. The trip is for this weekend and dh has only just found out now, despite his brother booking over a week ago.

OP posts:
tractorhome · 25/02/2022 14:12

donquixotedelamancha spending lots of money to go away for a non-child friendly weekend with other people's toddlers is ridiculous.

Going away with your own toddlers isn't even much fun. It's exhausting. And they are very young.

Plus his wife and own child are sick.

It's not about 'liking different things' - no one in their right mind would enjoy that weekend.

LIZS · 25/02/2022 14:13

So when are he and sil babysitting your dc overnight? Hmm Dh should cry off.

KateTheEighth · 25/02/2022 14:13

A long trip away, an overnight stay (are they all going to be in the same room?) and an all day event with 2 pre schoolers? (Rugby match?)

Yeah that sounds like a treat...

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 25/02/2022 14:13

@donquixotedelamancha

Perhaps he thought it would be nice to spend time with the nephews?

Yep, I'm not seeing why he's a "sly bastard" and a "cheeky fucker" either.

Unfortunately… this is NOT the first time he’s done this sort of thing either. However, dh feels his brother would hold a grudge if he didn’t turn up as he’s spent quite a bit.

OP if he doesn't want to go on the weekend because the kids will be there then he needs to just tell his brother, who clearly has a very different idea of a fun weekend to your DH.

DH can't complain if that comes off as curmudgeonly. Assigning bad intentions to your BiL paying for an expensive weekend away is just odd- people like different things.

It seems sly because he's invited the DH away for seemingly a brothers weekend but seems to just enlisted him to help with childcare instead? If he'd been upfront about the kids being there from the start it would be different surely?
Kite22 · 25/02/2022 14:16

@Beees

Yep, I'm not seeing why he's a "sly bastard" and a "cheeky fucker" either.

Of course he's being sly and cheeky. He framed it as a weekend with his brother for a catch up and quality time together on purpose. If he'd framed it as babysitting two small kids away from their parents, familiar things and in a new strange place of course the OPs husband wouldn't have accepted the invite.

I don't know any sane person who would to be fair. Confused

This.

I would be messaging to say
"Sorry, I am not up for babysitting other peoples dc for a weekend whilst leaving LoveDaisy and dd home here, both poorly. You should have been clear about what you were offering"

I wouldn't be offering to pay for it.

PriamFarrl · 25/02/2022 14:18

So these aren’t even his own children but their sisters?
No way. With neither of the parents there this is going to be a lot of work, not the fun catch up grown men time that was planned.

Cameleongirl · 25/02/2022 14:22

If you and DD already have a nasty cold, your DH is almost bound to go down with it and probably pass it onto his niece and nephew-so their parents will be landed with two ill children next week.

I think he should bow out by saying that you’re all ill and he doesn’t want to pass it on.

Sally872 · 25/02/2022 14:25

It is sly and cheeky. The correct way to do it is

"sorry sis I am away with bil that weekend I can't help that weekend"

Or if baby sitting already planned
"Bro I am baby sitting the nephews, I really don't know how to fill the time for a full weekend. Can we catch up with you guys for a bit?" Then arrange to go to zoo, softplay, whatever including baby if possible.

The only benefit of the doubt I would give is that if brother doesn't have kids he probably doesn't see the child free time as precious or the time away from family as a problem.

RishiRich · 25/02/2022 14:32

I wouldn't go. No way would I be babysitting someone else's preschoolers as my birthday present. Nope.

JacquelineCarlyle · 25/02/2022 14:33

@Sausagesausagesausage

I'm not even that keen on taking my own children away let alone other people's.

DH should cancel and tell his brother he thought it was a grown up weekend.

Me too!
tolerable · 25/02/2022 14:36

First off-and despite feeling ill...its not your call.
Unless genuinely feel unable to struggle through?
Is heavy leaning towards underhand-tho still makes the remit for intended quality time. if nephew inclusive obviously. 3+4 on "boys weekend" even with the nappy(which bro defo is responsible for changing)is still fairly do-able.
I dunno sending sick dd along would be kind to anyone.
Sure dh capable of spelling out to db what a shitty move that was...

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/02/2022 14:42

I think your DH should cancel.

Why should he go to help out his brother with their sister's kids (not even his own!) while leaving you and your child struggling at home with ill health?

I think that's fucking outrageous of your BIL to have done that. He deserves to lose the money he's spent out for being a sly fucker - but also, if your DH goes this time, then BIL will continue to pull these stunts, because he's got away with it again.

He won't stop doing shit like this unless he pays the consequences for it.

LookItsMeAgain · 25/02/2022 14:43

@LoveDaisy - However, dh feels his brother would hold a grudge if he didn’t turn up as he’s spent quite a bit.

That, is not your DH's issue to fix.
His BiL organised a trip away and sold it to your DH as a trip where there would be adults only on this trip so he could unwind from having kids around, and be free to swear or talk freely if he wanted to. Now he can't. Add to that, you've had to rearrange your schedule so that your DH could go as you were supposed to be doing something else that weekend.
BiL should have been honest from the get go with your DH and if I were your DH, I'd just not go. Can you arrange something nice for your DH to do instead and say that 'something came up and he can't go any more"?

BuyDirt · 25/02/2022 14:46

Your husband wants to cancel so if I was him I’d say ‘if I’m going to be looking after children this weekend anyway, then it’ll be my own as my wife feels like shit’.
I wouldn’t feel guilty at all, his brother seems to have deliberately withheld the information from him. I presume if your DH would have known that his nephews were invited, he may have chosen to go on your already planned weekend away.
One good thing is that hopefully you will now feel good for your rescheduled weekend away, it would have been rubbish with a heavy cold/infection.
Hope you’re feeling better soon.

LookItsMeAgain · 25/02/2022 14:46

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

He should totally cancel.

"Sorry bro, I had it in mind as a sort of adults trip - dw and the kids are under the weather so if I'm gonna be spending the weekend looking after kids, it really should be my own. Let me know if you can rearrange with sis to have the newphews another time but if not, I'm going to have to tap out. Let me know what my share is so you aren't out of pocket"

This works except for the last sentence as it wasn't up to the Op's DH to book the weekend away in the first place. He shouldn't be out of pocket for something that was going to be a 'gift' from the BiL in the first place.
aloris · 25/02/2022 14:51

I think it's ridiculous for your DH to leave you sick and looking after your kids, so that he can go and look after someone else's kids! Is it his sister who has roped his brother into babysitting her children? Why can't he call up his sister and chew her out for invading his vacation? Or, better yet, his sister can take YOUR dd to babysit so you can get some rest, since she doesn't have to watch her own kids this weekend, ha ha.

You do realise that if he goes on this trip, then his brother will never learn to honor his commitments. Your dh is also going to come back knackered from watching two unfamiliar children who miss their parents, and it's going to make it harder for him to help you when he gets back. It's going to add to your burden.

The whole thing is nuts and I wouldn't blame you if you chewed out both his siblings for being inconsiderate to YOU.

RachelGreeneGreep · 25/02/2022 14:54

@KateTheEighth

A long trip away, an overnight stay (are they all going to be in the same room?) and an all day event with 2 pre schoolers? (Rugby match?)

Yeah that sounds like a treat...

Exactly!

In your husband's shoes, I would be saying no thanks. That is NOT a fun and relaxing weekend away for anyone involved.

billy1966 · 25/02/2022 14:55

@SNUG2022

Sly bastard.
Two words.

Gift to your husband, my arse.

Babysitting help.

The dishonesty is disgusting.

Your husband should cancel because you are ill and BIL can rope in someone else to help with his children.

If I was your husband there is NO way Inwould leave a sick wife for such a non trip.

Unbelievably sly.

Wheresthebeach · 25/02/2022 14:56

Frankly it sounds like hell. I'd just say 'no...we planned a weekend away together and I'm not looking after some else's kids'. Tell him to sort it as that would be a hellish weekend.

SpiderVersed · 25/02/2022 15:00

6 Nations match, maybe?

I would be furious with my brother if he turned my gift of an overnight trip away with him into a babysitting gig. (And it’s exactly the sort of thing he’d do as he’s a More The Merrier type)

It completely changes the dynamics and what’s possible. No lengthy post-match chat in the pub, for example. No staying out late, and instead nappy changing and toddler wrangling. And ones that have never stayed away from their parents before. And will probably be overtired/overstimulated.

Shudder.

If it is rugby, I think I’d still go along because I do love a live match, but I would head home afterwards and not do overnight childminding. Your BIL is a massive CF.

ElegantlyTouched · 25/02/2022 15:01

If I were your DH I'd contact his brother pretending I didn't know about the toddlers and gush about how much I was looking forward to going away and having a child-free weekend and that I was stocking up on the drinks. See if he admitted to the change in plan, and then, in either case, pull out.

CurzonDax · 25/02/2022 15:01

Wow - I genuinely feel sorry for your DH. Yes, BiL has paid, but your DH has still got a bit of a distance to travel to look after someone else's children, when he could be spending quality ti,e/caring for you and DD.

(I am not saying that an uncle shouldn't look after nephews, and I agree it is very nice to do so. However, the uncle usually agrees to this himself, and with more than one day's notice.)

billy1966 · 25/02/2022 15:03

If anyone should hold a grudge it should be your husband that his brother should try and pull such a nasty trick.

If a woman did that to her sister on MN she would be rightly slated.

Your husband shouldn't pay a penny to his brother for backing out of a complete lie.

That really is disgusting behaviour.

Hope you feel better soon.Flowers

sonjadog · 25/02/2022 15:06

So what if BiL holds a grudge. He deserves to be cancelled on after trying to trick your DH into babysitting for the weekend. If I were your DH I would hold a huge grudge about that. Imagine if he had turned up for an adult trip away and there were a three and four year old! At least he found out in advance. As you aren't well, it coincidently gives him the perfect get out for this. Why would he be babysitting someone else's kids when his own wife and child are ill? Of course he is going to prioritize you. He isn't leaving anyone high and dry as the BiL is available to babysit the nephews.

WouldBeGood · 25/02/2022 15:07

Your DH should cancel as it’s been a con! Sounds awful.

Perfect as he can look after you now

Swipe left for the next trending thread