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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD- BIL has ‘spoiled’ dh weekend away

285 replies

LoveDaisy · 25/02/2022 12:33

DH’s brother surprised him a few weeks ago with a weekend stay following an outdoor event that will take up most of the day. It was so they could have some quality time away and as gift for dh, he paid for mostly everything. His brother had booked it for a weekend where Dh and I was supposed to celebrate an anniversary so, we changed dates so he could go on the trip. For context, Dh absolutely deserves some time away for himself, so no issue with the trip itself although the timing was off, I was ok changing the dates for him.

Dd was teething this week and ended up with a nasty cold which has meant little sleep for us all. I’ve now caught her cold on top of the infection I have which I’m antibiotics for. So I’m feeling like I’m on my knees trying to push through. But now dh has called to say he is disappointed in his brother… as he has booked tickets for their nephews too (their sister’s children age 3 &4) and had no intention of telling dh! It slipped out and Dh is now saying the vibe of the whole trip has completely changed. It’s not quality time, it’s baby sitting for a weekend. Nephew (3) is not potty trained and they both have never stayed away from their parents. Brother in law has a tendency to do this kind of thing 🙄
With myself and dd sick and the two toddlers attending, Dh is torn as he wants to cancel but his brother has spent a lot of money. The trip is for this weekend and dh has only just found out now, despite his brother booking over a week ago.

OP posts:
NewPapaGuinea · 25/02/2022 16:26

That is bloody awful! I’d be expecting a late night, a few beers and more adulting is now babysitting for a weekend. I’d sack it off.

poTAYtoes · 25/02/2022 16:33

I'd cancel. His brother is hopeless if he doesn't understand that a weekend of babysitting two young children (one not potty-trained) away from home is unlikely to be enjoyable. If he was clueless enough to briefly think that spending time with the nephews might be nice, not calculating in all the difficulties of the situation, he still should have run it past OP's DH, since it was meant to be a treat and quality time for the two of them.

If he's upset by the cancellation, that's his own problem. He's brought it on himself. If I wanted to avoid conflict, I'd say I felt I needed to stay home, now that spouse and child are unwell, or pretend to be ill, myself.

Feedingthebirds1 · 25/02/2022 16:38

OP you might not be enjoying being ill, but your timing's perfect. DH can quite legitimately say he's staying home to look after his own children.

Walkingalot · 25/02/2022 16:41

What Bernadette said.
Can't he take his DSis instead? All sounds a bit odd. Who on earth takes 2 toddlers away for a day and night, when they are not your own and they've never been away before. Sounds a bit fishy.

affairsofdragons · 25/02/2022 17:00

I'd be cancelling. Tell him to invite a babysitter.

MargosKaftan · 25/02/2022 17:15

If your DH doesn't want to face an upset brother, can't he just tell a white lie that he thinks he's caught the cold you and dd have - and while he would have said he's well enough to go if it was just him and DB, he'd "not forgive himself " if he gave this to the DNs, plus it would ruin their trip away with fun uncle DB etc. Hey, sister could have his ticket etc.

Such a shame, so many bugs going around etc.

fishonabicycle · 25/02/2022 17:17

So your husband's brother has agreed to take their sisters kids away for the weekend? Without telling your husband? That sounds like a shit weekend to me!

Original poster
LoveDaisy · 25/02/2022 17:20

Thank you everyone. Dh would not have agreed had he known.

BIL has said "thought I'd be nice for us all to spend time together" and nothing more. Dh made me soup, took the kids out so I could nap and did everything that needed doing...but he's going!

There's a weird dynamic with the in laws where no one ever questions BIL, it's his way or no way kind of thing. This sort of thing has happened before. I think that's the real issue here and what is frustrating to me.

I said to Dh this is a the opportunity to implement boundaries with bil and even if he holds it against you, you haven't done anything wrong as he 'tricked' you into babysitting with him. He has put had to put clear boundaries in place over the years.

I can see an overnight bag packed 😳 I think I’ll have a conversation once I’ve collected myself a bit!

OP posts:
twominutesmore · 25/02/2022 17:21

I don't blame your dh for being annoyed and not wanting to go. But I think cancelling is a rather nuclear option. BIL will be upset because he's paid for everything, and the parents of the toddlers will be upset because your dh will basically be cancelling because he doesn't want to spend time with them. As the whole thing is free, I'd go but never make arrangements with him again - and he'd know why.

user1481840227 · 25/02/2022 17:21

This sounds so funny (to an outsider).

2 men off on a weekend away and they end up babysitting other peoples kids!

FairFuming · 25/02/2022 17:25

So your DH is leaving you while you are ill to look after two small kids, one of which is ill so that his brother isn't upset at having to babysit on his own when he hadn't even told your DH he wanted help babysitting?

I think a serious conversation about priorities is needed here.
I'd also call SIL and see how long BIL knew the kids would be with them and whose idea it was.

SpiderVersed · 25/02/2022 17:26

@user1481840227

This sounds so funny (to an outsider).

2 men off on a weekend away and they end up babysitting other peoples kids!

I’m casting the movie right now!
RandomMess · 25/02/2022 17:30

Well this is the perfect opportunity for you to tell DH you are not happy about him leaving you and DD unwell so he can go babysit someone else's DC.

TBH I'd be fuming.

Beees · 25/02/2022 17:32

So he's still going despite you being ill. Why would he prioritise someone else children and his brother who lied and misled him over you and your children?

I'd be having serious words about where his priorities should be.

somanylies · 25/02/2022 17:34

@Dishwashersaurous

That's actually a great idea. He takes your children, then the brothers can spend the weekend looking after the young children and you can rest and recover
This! Grin
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/02/2022 17:35

You've agreed to this based on DH needing time to relax and recuperate. He's not actually getting that. There's the social contact between BIL and your DH but there's also one in your marriage. Which he's choosing to break.

If he comes back more knackered and less rested and it impacts your life, that's a real issue.

LannieDuck · 25/02/2022 17:35

I'm confused - are the BIL's kids?

Of course your DH should say 'no thanks', especially if BIL has a habit of getting away with this sort of thing and no-one ever calls him on it.

TempName01 · 25/02/2022 17:38

OP can you please confirm whose kids they are? If they aren’t BILs will he have a clue how to look after them? Is the mum aware of the plans and what is the activity they are going to? 😄

billy1966 · 25/02/2022 17:39

@FairFuming

So your DH is leaving you while you are ill to look after two small kids, one of which is ill so that his brother isn't upset at having to babysit on his own when he hadn't even told your DH he wanted help babysitting?

I think a serious conversation about priorities is needed here.
I'd also call SIL and see how long BIL knew the kids would be with them and whose idea it was.

Unbelievable.

How do marriages survive this type of bullshit.

Really Unbelievable.

Could there be starker proof as to where his priorities are whilst his wife is ill.

This is not a man to place your trust in.

His judgment is so flawed.

I feel very sorry for you.Flowers

ThinWomansBrain · 25/02/2022 17:41

dh feels his brother would hold a grudge if he didn’t turn up
What - hold a grudge and not invite him again? sounds like a plus to me!

He should have been honest about the nature of the trip from the outset; why invite sisters children but not yours?

;

Tiddlesthecat · 25/02/2022 17:44

Well obviously your DH should also take your child with him. Then it can be a dad's and kids special weekend, your DH doesn't get taken advantage of baby sitting two other kids and you get a break!

ChakaFridaMendips · 25/02/2022 17:54

Why doesn’t he just call and ask the kids not to go? Surely they’re the weird addition and easiest to remove. They’re not even going to know.

If they’re going he needs to make plans to do lots of sneaking off.

GlitteryGreen · 25/02/2022 17:58

Honestly in DH's shoes I would pull out citing your illness as a last minute reason why he's really sorry but he can't go as you can't care for DD.

BIL surely can't have too many hard feelings over that, and he can still go with his nephews Grin.

It's mad for DH to leave his sick wife to care for a young child alone just to end up spending the time looking after someone else's kids anyway!

User1367349 · 25/02/2022 17:59

It’s a shame your DH has come down with the same virus and won’t be able to make it now… 😉

GlitteryGreen · 25/02/2022 18:00

@TempName01

OP can you please confirm whose kids they are? If they aren’t BILs will he have a clue how to look after them? Is the mum aware of the plans and what is the activity they are going to? 😄
I think OP said they are DH's sister's children in the OP?

So DH and his brother are both their uncles.