To tell my sister to fuck off making comments about my son?

[123gege]

My son is almost 2.5, and I’m concerned about his speech. It seems that all other toddlers I know are talking in sentences and my little one just isn’t yet. My sister keeps making comments and I’m so sick of it.

He can say lots of words, his new favourite is spinosaurus which I’m super impressed with. He says at least 50 words, and will occasionally join words together, just not all the time. He said the other day after he got into bed - oh no, where’s my dummy gone? (he only has it for bed time). If I or my partner leave the room for example, he’ll say daddy/mummy come back. If I ask him body parts he can’t name them, he just laughs at me and runs away. He knows his animals though. Should I be concerned he can’t name body parts? Everywhere I’ve read states he should be talking in sentences now and if he’s not he’s really behind. Add on my sisters continuous comments and I’m stressed.

My sisters little one is much further advanced in speech - he’s 4 months younger. And she’s always saying oh shouldn’t he be talking more by now, he doesn’t say much does he, what are you going to do when he’s 3 and he’s still not talking. She knows when his birthday is but said the other day oh is he going to be 3 this year? Knowing full well he is and then followed it up with he’s still not talking much. Like she was trying to say wow he’s 3 this year and isn’t talking. Every time she comes to my house it's like look what my little one can say, say this, say that, oh you're clever, oh you're so smart, you are talking so well. His speech is so good isn't it? I just feel awful every time she's here. I’m just sick of constantly defending him to her attacks. She moans about him being too rough, he's just a busy boy who likes to play, her son is so sensitive and cries at everything - I feel like she's picking him apart every time he does something. Last time she made a comment saying 'you're disabled' because he was being silly, she said it jokingly but it upset me. I've spoken to her about the way it makes me feel and she told me I was being pathetic and to fuck off.

He attends nursery 1 day a week and they haven’t any concerns, I emailed my HV and she said if I have concerns they can come out and do an assessment to see if he needs speech therapy but she said the waiting list is very long. She said because he attends nursery they could also refer? I don’t know whether I should bring it up to the nursery, or ring the HV’s back and get an initial assessment first.

Is he that far behind on speech? What to do about my sister?

@BearOfEasttown

Yes, tell her to fuck off. She is rude and ignorant. Children develop at different rates, and my DD was chattering like a good 'un at 1.5 years old, whilst my cousin's mad said naff-all til 3. As teenagers they were both just as academic and smart as each other, and are as well educated and successful as each other in their 20s.

Your sister knows nothing @123gege

My cousin's 'mad!' I mean my cousin's 'son.' WTF? These words are nothing alike. How did I manage that?

Your sister sounds awful, she told you to fuck off when you said you were upset about her calling your son disabled?

I would be having strong words and if she didn't stop would distance myself and would be not allowing her near my son.

Something similar happened to me with a friend who's ds used to hit mine when we saw them and she tried to make out my ds was partly to blame.

We tried just seeing each other without the dc but the friendship didn't last for long after that.

I’m sorry but your sister is very insecure and toxic. If she carries on - you may need to put some space between her and your son. Regardless of how close the cousins are.

Your sister was out of line, that’s clear and unacceptable.

However I would get the HV to assess, I have a DC who needs speech therapy and they are right the waiting time is long (unless you can pay for it yourself). And the earlier the intervention the better, so getting onto the waitlist, if it is needed, is better sooner rather than later. I’d not trust nursery to identify it, it took me saying something several times for them to go ‘oh yes you’re right’ and for steps to be taken.

Last time she made a comment saying 'you're disabled' because he was being silly, she said it jokingly but it upset me. I've spoken to her about the way it makes me feel and she told me I was being pathetic and to fuck off.

I'd have told her to eff off to the far side of eff at the 'joke'

When my DS was 3 people used to ask me wasn't I worried he didn't talk. Age 12 he's very bright, articulate, and in the gifted and talented stream at school. He's also a pretty quiet child, I can talk but I'm pretty quiet too! It doesn't sound worrying but maybe have a chat with the HV for your own peace of mind.

Your sister sounds awful. I have a fair few concerns re my nieces behaviour and my sisters parenting practices but it's not neglect or abuse, just different to me so I keep them to myself!

I have a son with speech delay who was probably saying less words at that age.

However - it's hard to compare children. Have you have a recent review with his health visitor ?

I was concerned about my sons speech. Went to GP and asked for a referral to speech and language who did a formal assessment and confirmed he is behind and now having therapy

Ugh I fucking hate "your child should be doing XYZ by now." He's fine, he's learning new words, he's learning sentences. He might be behind her kid in some ways but he's ahead in others. My DS doesn't even nearly sleep through, our friends DS who's 2 weeks younger has done for ages. Their son isn't crawling yet, mine is walking. They're all different. They're all running their own race.

Your sisters a bitch.

I hated it when some parents had to constantly compare their child. She is causing you a lot of worry and probably for nothing. I'd distance myself from her and if she asks why you're never available to see her, tell her calmly that you've had enough of her petty spiteful behaviour and that you won't have her toxic behaviour around your child - as his parent, you will be protecting him from her. Be the mature adult in the situation. Call her behaviour out and it should work better than simply telling her to fuck off as that just shows her that she's managed to needle you successfully into behaviour as childish as her own.

I've only ever known one child be referred to a speech therapist and he was about 2 years old and hadn't said a single word. Your child seems to know many words, just isn't stringing them together much yet. They all do things at different rates and he has probably been working hard doing something else (cutting teeth, running, climbing, potty training, making things) as they can't do it all at once.

You are a good parent. She told you to fuck off in front of the kids just as they are learning new words and listening to what adults say. Perfect excuse to bar her from your house. Don't invite her over and if she turns up, don't open the door, just yell through it that you are busy and it's not convenient, then walk away (yes, leave her on the doorstep). Be persistent and she will eventually get the message and learn that she has to modify her behaviour to adult to spend time with you.

If you are still concerned, do try to get the referral to the speech therapist as you can always cancel if, by the time the appointment comes, he has progressed. In the meantime, plenty of sitting down with mum and a good story picture book. After reading to him you could show him the pictures and ask him to tell you the story back.

Good luck

I'd reiterate that the comments are out of line next time it happens and then put a bit of distance between you for a while. Let her reflect on it. She's your twin and the boys get on, perhaps if she sees you are serious she'll change her behavior.

There are two areas of speech that are focussed on: Receptive and Expressive

Does your DS understand what is said to him? Can he follow simple instructions? Understand stories/simple programmes?

Can he communicate his needs to you? Even if with single words? Drink? Biscuit? Wee? Mummy. Daddy etc

I would think he'll 'catch up' when he's good and ready. He's still young.

Your son actually speaks. My eldest didn’t say much at all until he turned three then he suddenly started speaking in full sentences out of nowhere. He’s 12 now and very intelligent, no SEN.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your DS at all and your sister needs to butt out.

Hi OP, seems to me the main problem here is not your son's speech but your sister's competitiveness. She's clearly got to you, she has you worried.

It's bizarre that she told you to f off, not the other way round, after she had the gall to use 'disabled' as a (pseudo)joke.

Maybe you need to look at the bigger picture of your relationship with your sister? Is there precedent for this kind of competitiveness? Or maybe it's just that motherhood has hit her the wrong way and she is secretly terribly insecure about her ('un-boyish', sensitive) son?

I saw this tendency to compare kids obsessively in some friends when kids were small. Always blamed it on insecurity, but it is an utter pain in the ass.

Your sister is trash. Advocate for your child, don’t allow anyone to bully or mock him, it’s literally your job you chose to take on by having a kid. Tell your sister she is the pathetic one, and to fuck off.

My neighbour's ds didn't utter a word until he was three, and it didn't stop him going to university, so I wouldn't worry about him being behind, he isn't.

And yes, tell your sister to mind her own beeswax.

I childmind two children the same age one full sentences the other single words and the very odd sentence! Both totally normal. One much more physically able the other not so.

Maybe 'insecurity' isn't the right word though. More a determination yo live through you kids, cast them as 'successful' because their infantile successes are yours, at a time in life when your own world is shrinking b/o childrearing. It entails a very possessive attitude towards your children, I don't envy you nephew.

Try not to worry. I had a DD and then 16 months later a DS . DD speech was advanced because she spent her whole time with adults but DS was the opposite. To be honest he was lazy . If he was hungry he would go to get a tin of soup or a pkt of cereal from the kitchen cupboard 😀. If he was thirsty he would bring me his cup . He could say words by 2 and a half but not full sentences like his sister . DD also spoke a lot for him eg. Mum , Dave wants this or , mum , Dave wants that .
Aged 3 he started speaking more but had trouble with a couple of sounds . When he started school at 4 they referred him to Speech Therapy. She did exercises with him for one week and all was sorted .
He's 47 now and never shuts up !

Your twin sister is being very nasty.

Your DS sounds completely normal to me, way ahead speechwise compared to my son at that age. Please don’t worry about your DS. I’ve no idea why your DD is being so vile but you are not obligated to see her you know!

Your little one sounds perfectly normal and honestly if there were any concerns then Nursery would raise these with you. My DS had delayed speech because his older sister spoke for him, constantly. He is a summer baby so when he started school he was slightly behind but caught up very quickly and didn’t have any additional issues.
Your sister is being a bit of a dick and using this as an opportunity to gloat and put you down!!

I work with young children and have two of my own, one of whom wasn't using any words at all at 2. Your child sounds fab, and well within typical parameters. In my locality he wouldn't meet the criteria for nhs speech and language therapy at this time. There's lots that you can do at home to support him and I expect you already are. The ican website is really helpful and has questionnaires and the ability to contact speech and language practitioners for advice. Your sister needs to remember that childhood is not a race and that all children develop at different rates.

I lost a pretty rubbish relationship with my SiL as she made similar comments about my 6 month olds development, comparing him to her 2+ year old When I told her how she was making me feel, I got the "get a grip" "stop being so sensitive" remarks, too. People like that are gaslighting arseholes who, for some reason, need to make themselves feel superior to you by comparing your parenting/children.

Your son sounds like a lot of fun with lots of personality to me! Maybe start pointing out how sensitive her son seems to be, and how brave and outgoing yours is? A taste of her own medicine might help her see the error of her ways.

It sounds like she's the one who insecure about something. He sounds perfectly normal. He'll speak in sentences when he's ready.

If she's your sister, maybe you can tell her to not mention his speech anymore?

There is no benefit in comparing your kids, similar to comparing ourselves. Everyone's always better & speaking isn't an Olympic sport.

When you start comparing children there's always going to be someone behind. My son is 3 and has only two words. He attends preschool, does speech therapy and we use pecs to try and bring on his speech. When anyone comments I tell them he will speak in his own time and if he doesn't we will learn sign language to communicate. I try not to put any stress on my son as he's working hard and doing the best he can. You need to tell your sister its not OK to put down your son and that you need to be supporting each other rather than having your children compete.

"Last time she made a comment saying 'you're disabled' because he was being silly, she said it jokingly but it upset me."

Using ' disabled' as a jokey insult is appalling. It says a lot about her. I think you can safely ignore anything she has got to say about your son's development.