Page 5 | Dh pissing bed drunk

Exutant · 2022-02-25T07:11:28+00:00

He is 52 and went into work yesterday in London (normally wfh). Spare bedroom. I went in to see him at 6am - bed soaking with and freezing. It's not the first time - it happens about every 6 months. I'm so pissed off. Carrying the sheets down and the lovely matress topper that all thr guests say has made the bed so comfortable. Probably ruined. Washing machine is thru the kitchen so the kids saw - ashamed to.say I told them "daddy has pissed the bed". Aibu to think it's not normal? He's trying to ignore me asking about it and even tried to get into our bed but I made him have a shower. Now he's being all jolly with the kids and I feel seething.

PegasusReturns · 25/02/2022 08:09

I would close the door and leave the sheets. Next time his Mother wants to come tell her she can't because her son pissed the bed and you're waiting for him to clear up after himself

That's vile

Certainly no more vile than telling your DC that daddy pissed the bed.

I’m a city lawyer. I’ve done decades of client engagement that involve too much alcohol on my part or that of others. I understand it’s a stressful job and I understand that the lifestyle can such the salary dry.

But his behaviour is not acceptable.
Pissing the bed is not acceptable.
Not cleaning up after himself is not acceptable.
Refusing to replace items he has trashed through negligence is financial abuse.

If your husband will not replace the mattress willingly whilst being deeply appreciative of your efforts to sort things out then you should leave.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 25/02/2022 08:10

It’s not normal, it’s vile. There is no way I’d have cleaned it, at 52 he is more than capable of cleaning his own piss.
I wouldn’t have told your children either. How old are they?

Migrainesbythedozen · 25/02/2022 08:11

@Exutant

Actually I see them as MY SHEETS. Why should I not fucking clean them if they are dirty.

Grr, almost derailed thread by the focus being on this.

Because you didn't dirty them. HE DID. So it's up to him to clean them and you don't need to be his slave and mollycoddle him. Because you have self respect and so won't be his slave and mollycoddle him. You shouldn't be rewarding his bad behaviour by washing sheets he soiled.

Totalwasteofpaper · 25/02/2022 08:12

@Exutant

Well I'm so glad all of you can 'make' your husbands do what you want when you want. I'm not so lucky. I'm not just going to let stale piss smell seep around my upstairs for hours when I can sort it sooner. Surprised that others would do that tbh

Honestly I 100% would do this.

Let him see it let him fix it. Let the house be unpleasant Let the kids ask about it. Direct them to daddy.

Actions should have consequences (his don't as you are fixing his problems)

GalesThisMorning · 25/02/2022 08:12

@QuirkyTurtle

Bless you OP. I looked after my alcoholic ex boyfriend when he was in that situation because I'm a caretaker type of person, as I assume are you. The people on here saying 'why didn't you ...' likely aren't very empathetic people or just lack the ability to put themselves in anyone else's shoes.

I'm not saying your husband is an alcoholic, but overconsumption of alcohol is way too normalised in this country. I sympathise with you, OP. You need to have a good chat with him and get through to him what this is doing to your mental health.

Yeah but he's your ex now right? So you can maybe see why being a caretaker is not always the best default option, and why people are saying cleaning up after a healthy adult pisses the bed is unacceptable

girlmom21 · 25/02/2022 08:12

OP is he often so disrespectful towards you? Does he treat you as his wife or as his housemaid?

Coffeetree · 25/02/2022 08:13

@radiocity

Once every 6 months you say? I mean, it's disgusting yes but if it's only happened twice a year it's no big deal.

We all get drunk and do stupid things. My DH is a city banker - sometimes he just puts himself up in a hotel if he's been on it.

Really didn't take long.

No we don't all get drunk and do stupid things. If you think this isn't a big deal get some therapy.

Migrainesbythedozen · 25/02/2022 08:13

@PegasusReturns

I would close the door and leave the sheets. Next time his Mother wants to come tell her she can't because her son pissed the bed and you're waiting for him to clear up after himself

That's vile

Certainly no more vile than telling your DC that daddy pissed the bed.

I’m a city lawyer. I’ve done decades of client engagement that involve too much alcohol on my part or that of others. I understand it’s a stressful job and I understand that the lifestyle can such the salary dry.

But his behaviour is not acceptable.
Pissing the bed is not acceptable.
Not cleaning up after himself is not acceptable.
Refusing to replace items he has trashed through negligence is financial abuse.

If your husband will not replace the mattress willingly whilst being deeply appreciative of your efforts to sort things out then you should leave.

Not cleaning up after himself is not acceptable.

To be fair, he didn't have the chance. OP put them in the wash.

Original poster

Exutant · 25/02/2022 08:13

@PegasusReturns

I would close the door and leave the sheets. Next time his Mother wants to come tell her she can't because her son pissed the bed and you're waiting for him to clear up after himself

That's vile

Certainly no more vile than telling your DC that daddy pissed the bed.

I’m a city lawyer. I’ve done decades of client engagement that involve too much alcohol on my part or that of others. I understand it’s a stressful job and I understand that the lifestyle can such the salary dry.

But his behaviour is not acceptable.
Pissing the bed is not acceptable.
Not cleaning up after himself is not acceptable.
Refusing to replace items he has trashed through negligence is financial abuse.

If your husband will not replace the mattress willingly whilst being deeply appreciative of your efforts to sort things out then you should leave.

Thank you, this makes sense to me.

Also I am very sorry to anyone on here who opened up about having am alcoholic loved one. Did not want to read and ignore that.

OP posts:

Sundancerintherain · 25/02/2022 08:14

You may see them as YOUR SHEETS op but by cleaning up for him you are actually shielding him from taking any responsibility for his actions.

Schoolchoicesucks · 25/02/2022 08:14

Oh dear OP. That's dreadful behaviour from him, I can completely see why you are upset.

It's not normal or acceptable behaviour. To happen once would be bad enough, but that fact he has done this before makes it worse. He's a grown man and he needs to take responsibility for his actions. Does he often drink to excess? Is alcohol a problem?

It sounds as though there may be other issues in the marriage (seeing a counsellor, not having his attention, not knowing about the finances). The lack of respect shown to you and your house and lack of will to take responsibility for his drinking and its results would compound this for me. Do you want to stay with him?

I probably wouldn't have told the children. I definitely wouldn't have been the one clearing it up. If he wants to lie in his own urine he can. And he would absolutely be clearing it up and replacing anything that couldn't be laundered.

You can't change his behaviour, only your reactions to it. Yours seem to be cross with him and try to clear up the mess. You could decide to separate.

Teenylittlefella · 25/02/2022 08:16

If this were a one off and he was mortified I would be - not okay with it, but I'd accept it. My dh once pissed in a bin when drunk. But it was once, and he was very embarrassed.
The worrying thing is that he knows this happens to him, and still drinks too much. He needs to set himself drinking boundaries. I get palpitations if I drink too much and I know 2/3 of a bottle of wine is my absolute limit. So I never drink more than that (or 4 small glasses), I never mix drinks. And why would he let you clean up? It's quite infantilising behaviour. If I for some reason peed in my bed, I would be totally humiliated and would not want anyone else to see or know. I would be secretly running off to the washer. Does he not perceive it as hugely embarrassing?

Reallybadidea · 25/02/2022 08:16

@Exutant

Actually I see them as MY SHEETS. Why should I not fucking clean them if they are dirty.

Grr, almost derailed thread by the focus being on this.

I don't think it's derailing, I think it's really telling that your husband pissed the bed and you cleaned it up for him so he doesn't have to deal with it and don't seem to understand why everyone is shocked by this. Suggests to me that there is a massive power imbalance in your relationship, that he doesn't respect you, and most importantly, you don't respect yourself very much either. I think we're all sad for you because it sounds horrible

Newmumatlast · 25/02/2022 08:17

You shouldn't be washing them he should

Migrainesbythedozen · 25/02/2022 08:18

@Sundancerintherain

You may see them as YOUR SHEETS op but by cleaning up for him you are actually shielding him from taking any responsibility for his actions.

Exactly. He has no need to change because OP will clean up after him, and he knows it. There are no consequences for him.

Totalwasteofpaper · 25/02/2022 08:18

See I see guest bed sheets as THE SHEETS.
Everything bar personal possessions is a "The"

These are the sheets my husband pissed on and now my husband must clean up.
This is the rug I spilled coffee on now i must clean up.

I get the vibe from the my sheets (my house) you are a sahm and your (probably) very nice house is the trade off /pay off for your husbands shit behaviour?
Because I cannot believe he is a perfect or good husband apart from this one issue .

I say this not be stick the knife in but honestly if you want the situation to change you need to look critically at the role you play in supporting / sustaining this dysfunctional pattern of behaviour

Girlwhowearsglasses · 25/02/2022 08:18

‘Housekeeping’. It’s this your only access to ‘his’ money? That is what needs sorting.

Having a conversation post hangover about the pissing in bed. In the cold light of day does he think it’s reasonable.?

Your list of outgoings is very short. Who sorts all the other things? If you’re paying schoolnfess I would assume there is a whole shed load of other expenses - does DH deal with them all? Broadband, subscriptions, Netflix, insurance, life insurance (do you have this as well as him?) pensions, car expenses, Maintenance, boiler repair, plumber, … if he is managing these and you don’t have input you have a problem.

FrancescaContini · 25/02/2022 08:19

@Clymene

No it's not normal, it's disgusting. But why are you cleaning his pissy sheets?

Agree.

QuirkyTurtle · 25/02/2022 08:19

Yeah but he's your ex now right? So you can maybe see why being a caretaker is not always the best default option, and why people are saying cleaning up after a healthy adult pisses the bed is unacceptable

@GalesThisMorning oh definitely! I should have left much sooner. I'm not saying it's the best solution, just making a point that things in the real world aren't as easy or black and white as people on MN like to pretend they are.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 25/02/2022 08:20

It’s not disgusting nor is it not normal, it is testing tho.

Mnetters do like to be over dramatic at times!

www.id-direct.com/blog/bed-wetting-after-drinking-alcohol/

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/health.clevelandclinic.org/adults-booze-bedwetting-heres-happens/amp/

It’s more common than you think OP, it isn’t ideal but it’s the bodies natural reaction to over indulgence of alcohol.

I’d personally be more concerned with him not coping at work and drinking alcohol as a coping mechanism!

I’d be going down this route, not focusing on something this trivial and dealing with the root cause!

Lookingforatimeslip · 25/02/2022 08:22

You have housekeeping and he keeps you topped up? Does that mean you don’t have access to money?

arethereanyleftatall · 25/02/2022 08:22

Can't quote the post where you said you'd leave but finances would be complicated. Glad to hear this (the first bit)! Why would the finances be complicated?

JustDanceAddict · 25/02/2022 08:22

Why are you washing his sheets is my first question?
And no, it’s not normal.

thenewduchessoflapland · 25/02/2022 08:23

@Exutant

I can't imagine what it's like to live like this,it sounds as though you're DH has an issue with alcohol and is using it as a crutch.Is there a possibility drugs have been involved when out on one of these drinking sessions?;it'll be most likely cocaine.

Organisations like alcoholic anonymous offer support to families of alcoholics.It could be worth talking to them for support for yourself in the first instance here.

It makes me sad you end up having to clean up after him;he should hang his head in shame as you absolutely do not deserve to be treated like that.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 25/02/2022 08:23

If I was married to a man who refused to buy new mattress and sheets that he has ruined by getting so drunk he pissed himself I’d be seriously looking at divorce. Although I’d probably be looking at one anyway from the sound of him.

His behaviour is so utterly disgusting I actually cannot believe you’ve put up with it thus far.

What does he bring to the table in your relationship ?