Dh pissing bed drunk

[Exutant]

He is 52 and went into work yesterday in London (normally wfh). Spare bedroom. I went in to see him at 6am - bed soaking with and freezing.
It's not the first time - it happens about every 6 months.
I'm so pissed off. Carrying the sheets down and the lovely matress topper that all thr guests say has made the bed so comfortable. Probably ruined.
Washing machine is thru the kitchen so the kids saw - ashamed to.say I told them "daddy has pissed the bed".
Aibu to think it's not normal?
He's trying to ignore me asking about it and even tried to get into our bed but I made him have a shower.
Now he's being all jolly with the kids and I feel seething.

That's why living with an alcoholic is impossible.

Stripping the sheets and doing the washing pre emptively is "enabling" or "controlling".

Yet at the same time carrying on in a piss-stinking house, letting it all soak in the mattress until it's ruined, knowing he doesn't give a fuck, is also not tenable.

I was in an AlAnon meeting once where a woman was high-fiving herself because she didn't clean up her drunk husband's vomit. She left it on the floor, she and her kids stepped over it for a week. In the hopes of teaching her alkie husband something. And everyone was congratulating her. Jesus.

Not sure if anyone has already said this but we use waterproof mattress protectors on all of our beds, that would save this issue if it were to happen again.

It is really gross but sounds like he gets way too drunk only a couple of times a year and his body sleeps through his need to get up to the toilet..... trying to get into your main bed though without cleaning is really, really disgusting.

I also wouldn't have been cleaning the mess up.... he is an adult he can clean up after himself.

It’s definitely not normal or anything to be put up with. You say it only happens every 6 months or so, I’ve been with my DH 20 years, he’s pissed the bed exactly 0 times in that time - THAT is normal.

Your ‘D’H has no respect for you, he sees you as his maid (and no doubt the cook, cleaner and nanny too). I understand you wanting to get the sheets cleaned as quickly as possible but it does enable him to continue this behaviour with no consequences.

Think about the things you are subliminally teaching your children - the woman must run around and do everything including degrading her self to clean up the man’s bodily fluids. He’s not ill or disabled, he’s quite capable of doing it himself.

By all means bring it up at counselling but it sounds like there are far deeper issues at work here, I’d be preparing things to leave.

@radiocity what are you talking about? “Only twice a year, no big deal” - that’s not acceptable or normal at all. Why on earth would you want to normalise this??

@Coffeetree

That's why living with an alcoholic is impossible.

Stripping the sheets and doing the washing pre emptively is "enabling" or "controlling".

Yet at the same time carrying on in a piss-stinking house, letting it all soak in the mattress until it's ruined, knowing he doesn't give a fuck, is also not tenable.

I was in an AlAnon meeting once where a woman was high-fiving herself because she didn't clean up her drunk husband's vomit. She left it on the floor, she and her kids stepped over it for a week. In the hopes of teaching her alkie husband something. And everyone was congratulating her. Jesus.

@Coffeetree It had already soaked in when he actually pissed it. Him lying in it til 9:30am wasn't going to undo the damage.

Bloody hell, why are so many people having a go at this poor woman - she came here for support and all some of you can do is add insult to injury!

OP - my husband has done this twice in his life after huge amounts of alcohol: first time we cleaned it up together, he was beyond mortified, apologetic etc etc

Sometime later it happened again - again after a huge amount of booze. This was the point at which he essentially stopped binge drinking entirely. He still drinks but having this happen more that once was the wake up call he needed to tell him he could no longer drink like he could in his youth - that has been off the cards for him ever since. I encouraged this but he had to come round to this decision himself.

I don’t know how many times this has happened for you. We also have no idea how your husband deals with shame, so no idea where he is on the path to realising he cannot drink like this anymore.

I asked him to sit and talk to me about it a day after the incident both times (once I was no longer livid, so it could be a calm problem solving discussion)to ask him how he could ensure it never happened again, and if there was any way I could help him get there (there were a couple of things I could do to help interestingly).

I hope some of this might help you? I love my husband dearly - he didn’t want to have this happen to him either, so it was a case of supporting him to step away from binge drinking as ever being an option for him.

He has the problem. You are allowing his problem to adversely affect his children's lives and future mental health. Please get some help to stop.

Disgusting behaviour. My ex would piss up the bedroom wall when drunk . Make him clean it up himself . His mess to sort . And tell him to sort his behaviour out. Unacceptable

Once every 6 months you say? I mean, it's disgusting yes but if it's only happened twice a year it's no big deal. We all get drunk and do stupid things.

No, we don’t all get so drunk that we piss the bed. You must have very low standards. It is a big deal. Neither of us has been so drunk that we haven’t been able to make it to the toilet in time.

I don’t think people have been very fair to the OP. I wouldn’t want the house to smell of piss, so if my husband had left pissy sheets on the bed I would absolutely get them washed. However, it does sound like there are deeper problems going on in this marriage, especially as she has said they are going to marriage guidance.

Going forward, I would, put a waterproof protector on the bed, and next time it happens (if there is a next time) I would leave the husband lying in his piss and not try and wake him up. He has to face the consequences of his actions.

You absolutely need to bring this up at your marriage guidance meeting @Exutant. This kind of behaviour is a deal breaker for most women.

@radiocity

Once every 6 months you say? I mean, it's disgusting yes but if it's only happened twice a year it's no big deal.

We all get drunk and do stupid things. My DH is a city banker - sometimes he just puts himself up in a hotel if he's been on it.

If dh pissed the bed twice a year through drinking I’d be seriously concerned about his consumption of booze and try and get him to see his GP etc. I have been w dh for nearly 30 years - we’ve seen each other very drunk esp in our younger days (a couple of grim pukes from him), but pissing the bed as a 52 year old man is no way normal, I’m sorry.

That is a standard of person so low I wouldn't even deign to speak to them. He's a bedwetting drunk! You can do better. Your kids would be better with no father than with this as a role model.

People are not derailing the thread by focusing on you skivvying around after him and cleaning his pissy sheets.

It’s at the heart of the matter.

Keep doing it, and in another miserable six months you’ll be back here doing it all again.

Leave him to fester, and it will eventually become his problem. If you’re willing to stick around for that outcome, of course.

Why are you washing his sheets is my first question?

If he won't do it who will? The washing fairy? I don't understand people who say this. Who wants to leave piss smelling bedding in the house? Should the OP just put it all in the bin instead?

@RampantIvy

Why are you washing his sheets is my first question?

If he won't do it who will? The washing fairy? I don't understand people who say this. Who wants to leave piss smelling bedding in the house? Should the OP just put it all in the bin instead?

You think the concept of A Man cleaning up their own piss is outside the realms of possibility………………..?

I’m really sorry for the shitty men you’re surrounded by.

@Clymene

No it's not normal, it's disgusting. But why are you cleaning his pissy sheets?

Quite. You should have let him lie in it until he washed it all himself and bought a new topper (and a waterproof cover for next time he goes out). I wouldn't have touched it.

There are two things here: 1) Your husband doesn't have a healthy relationship with alcohol, and being around that is bad for you and for your DC. If he will not address this, it's time to end the marriage. How often or how much he drinks does not matter - it's the fact that he has no off button when he does this and that there is a massive negative impact on the family.
2) Pissing the bed in this state is not normal, even when very drunk. My late husband was an alcoholic and did this too - he turned out to have a kidney stone. Once this was dealt with, the bed wetting stopped (though the excessive drinking did not - he died 12 days before the nisi was pronounced and it got very bad).

Also why do you not have full access to money so that you can order a mattress yourself?

Having the smell of a grown man's piss in the air is absolutely disgusting. It's an entirely normal response to grab the piss soaked sheets and wash them.

Giving the Op a hard time for that is ridiculous.

Yabu for cleaning a grown man piss. You leave it for him to clean. And he can sleep in it every night until he cleans it replaces the mattress. He wouldn't be coming in my bed until he had. What kind of man would happily let his wife clean his pissy sheets? It's not normal and it's utterly disrespectful of you. My husband would be mortified and apologetic and would sort it out himself. He then would make sure he never got in that state again. That's what an adult does.

@Coffeetree

Having the smell of a grown man's piss in the air is absolutely disgusting. It's an entirely normal response to grab the piss soaked sheets and wash them.

Giving the Op a hard time for that is ridiculous.

I agree with you. I don't think posters having a go at the OP can get their heads around being with someone who just won't clear up a mess like this. There are only two options here - she either washes the bedding or it stays on the bed and stinks the house out.

BTW DH wouldn't have left wet stinking bedding on the bed (it wouldn't have happened in the first place), but SIL's late husband was an alcoholic and she had to clean up a lot worse than just wet bedding. Clearly, some posters lack empathy for the shitty situation the OP finds herself in.

Having the smell of a grown man's piss in the air is absolutely disgusting

I agree.

Of course the OP shouldn't have to do this. Not least because her gruesome H shouldn't be wetting the bed.

Given the situation is really dire, her getting the stinking sheets into a washing machine is not making it worse or enabling him - he's going to do it anyway, she just cannot be in the house smelling the soiled sheets on top of everything else.

OP, you need to have a really clear conversation with him, perhaps via counselling. However, it sounds as if there is no expectation from you that he'll listen or change. It may be time to face up to the prospect of divorce.

I can see you are getting frustrated by people's responses to this but I think it's because your perspective on it are so skewed and far from normal.

When my son was in reception, another mother asked me how I stopped him from climbing on the dining table and wrapping himself up in the curtains. I couldn't answer her. Because my son had never done it. We had rules and boundaries in place that were enforced and so a lot of the parenting issues she was dealing with just weren't an issue for any of the other parents.

You are asking people's advice on dealing with a situation they simply can't answer because we would ever find ourselves in this situation in the first place.

And as for Bless you OP. I looked after my alcoholic ex boyfriend when he was in that situation because I'm a caretaker type of person, as I assume are you. The people on here saying 'why didn't you ...' likely aren't very empathetic people or just lack the ability to put themselves in anyone else's shoes.

It's not about lacking in empathy! Being a 'caretaker type of person' is not a badge of honour. It points to poor boundaries and a lack of self respect.

OP the sheets thing is a red herring. Your husband has a problem with alcohol (among other things). Please ignore the people normalising it and the people blaming you for enabling. This is no environment for your kids to be in.

Your husband urinated in a bed, you played the martyr and now you're getting chippy with people who replied. Why are you here?

Hope you're ok OP.
It's not normal and if it's happened more than once then I agree with pp that your DH has a drinking problem.
I understand why the kids are now involved but I would have tried to avoid that if possible, to protect them rather than him.

I also understand why you wanted to get the sheets cleaned but you do sound like the junior partner in this marriage - you should understand the finances. You should not have to clean up his mess. You should either be able to buy a mattress because one is needed without going short on housekeeping, or better still your DH would be mortified and organise a new one himself.
I would definitely buy a waterproof protector and then I would be telling him he needs help. If he doesn't get that help I would be reassessing my marriage. Sounds like you have nice things in your life but not much agency.

@QuirkyTurtle

Bless you OP. I looked after my alcoholic ex boyfriend when he was in that situation because I'm a caretaker type of person, as I assume are you. The people on here saying 'why didn't you ...' likely aren't very empathetic people or just lack the ability to put themselves in anyone else's shoes.

I'm not saying your husband is an alcoholic, but overconsumption of alcohol is way too normalised in this country. I sympathise with you, OP. You need to have a good chat with him and get through to him what this is doing to your mental health.

This is crazy. I’m sure most people are empathetic, just because we make a stand at cleaning up adult piss doesn’t mean we aren’t! If someone is genuinely ill that’s completely different but this is self inflicted binge drinking. Yes, he may be an alcoholic but that’s not been established. It sounds like stress = binge drinking at the moment At the very least he should be embarrassed, doing the sheets himself immediately and paying for replacements I agree op you’re an enabler. I know someone close to me just the same. They are very elderly now and still having a rotten time having to put up with awful behaviour ( even when they’re ill themselves) you just end up a controlled slave your whole life putting up with behaviour any normal person would balk at. It’s not good for your kids to witness either I hope you find your strength and change