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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dh pissing bed drunk

472 replies

Exutant · 25/02/2022 07:11

He is 52 and went into work yesterday in London (normally wfh). Spare bedroom. I went in to see him at 6am - bed soaking with and freezing.
It's not the first time - it happens about every 6 months.
I'm so pissed off. Carrying the sheets down and the lovely matress topper that all thr guests say has made the bed so comfortable. Probably ruined.
Washing machine is thru the kitchen so the kids saw - ashamed to.say I told them "daddy has pissed the bed".
Aibu to think it's not normal?
He's trying to ignore me asking about it and even tried to get into our bed but I made him have a shower.
Now he's being all jolly with the kids and I feel seething.

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 02/03/2022 21:35

Ugh I'm so sorry @Exutant, you sound between a rock and a hard place.

Don't clean it up - and the mattress is definitely ruined. Do clean it up - and you're letting the Sisterhood down Hmm.

I personally couldn't live like this. I've never been with anyone who has pissed the bed, due to drink or anything else. For me, the worst thing is that he completely denies there's anything wrong?! I would make sure you bring it up at counselling as I doubt very much they'll agree with him.

Flowers for you, sounds like a bit of a tough life at the moment for you.

Janesmom · 02/03/2022 22:18

I find the lack of perspective here crazy.

DH is clearly the main breadwinner, doing a stressful job and gets too drunk occasionally. Hardly an abusive relationship.

Reading this, some of PPs sound like they must be a nightmare to live with. Any minor “transgression” and they consider themselves some sort of abused wives…

thepeopleversuswork · 02/03/2022 22:26

@Janesmom

I find the lack of perspective here crazy.

DH is clearly the main breadwinner, doing a stressful job and gets too drunk occasionally. Hardly an abusive relationship.

Reading this, some of PPs sound like they must be a nightmare to live with. Any minor “transgression” and they consider themselves some sort of abused wives…

For fuck's sake... I'm the sole breadwinner. If I wet my own bed I'd take myself off to Siberia. WTF has breadwinning got to do with this? It's about decency and respect.

If you consider that a minor transgression you need to raise your standards.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 02/03/2022 22:37

@Janesmom hi - another breadwinner here.

VERY stressed as the funding of this household is solely down to me, yet I've not pissed the bed since I was a baby?

Fucking hell, like @thepeopleversuswork says, raise your standards.

Justgorgeous · 02/03/2022 22:43

Jesus - justifying wetting the bed because they earn the money. What else do you put up with ?

YourWinter · 02/03/2022 23:34

An adult getting so drunk they wet the bed is not a person I would continue to live with, nor would I clean up their filthy stinking mess. Getting drunk is by choice and self-inflicted. I clean up after children and pets, not a grown man. Utterly disgusting and inexcusable.

Shuffleuplove · 02/03/2022 23:36

I cannot even conceive of this. I have wet the bed once, as an adult, and I was in hospital having just had major surgery under a general anaesthetic, and lost the run of myself. The nurses were not a bit phased and I was mortified beyond belief. How this becomes a part of someone’s life/stress relief is beyond me. Fall asleep on the sofa snoring? Yes. Wet the bed? NO!!!

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 02/03/2022 23:54

@Janesmom

I find the lack of perspective here crazy.

DH is clearly the main breadwinner, doing a stressful job and gets too drunk occasionally. Hardly an abusive relationship.

Reading this, some of PPs sound like they must be a nightmare to live with. Any minor “transgression” and they consider themselves some sort of abused wives…

‘Minor transgression’ you call it?

Try being a partner (and with a life partner) who’s a respectful adult, who cares for you, likes you and loves you - and you’ll soon realise that these sorts of ‘minor transgressions’ don’t even happen.

Because that’s what a healthy, functional, mutually satisfying relationship looks like.

No need to call ‘abused wife’ when you have a decent, loving man, behaving like an adult by your side.

mathanxiety · 03/03/2022 01:56

It doesn’t sound like a regular thing and although it’s disgusting, he was clearly just too drunk! I’d be annoyed but make him wash the sheets and replace the things that clearly are irreplaceable.
Maybe his stressful job means he needs to let off steam but in future maybe he shouldn’t drink quite so much!

Another one. I can't believe what I'm seeing here.

Some of you must find the smell of grown men's piss delightful.

And are you honestly arguing that drunkenness is an excuse for something?
How about causing a crash on the motorway?

Throughout this thread there is the unspoken thought that men are actually a separate species and we can expect them to behave differently from women. They are a little like dogs. However, we can't expect them to be completely housebroken, which we might expect from a dog.

They also go out to work, and sometimes their work is stressful, so instead of expecting them to deal with stress in healthy ways that are well known and don't cause extra work for those they live with, or cause problems for themselves down the road, we shake heads sadly and let them get on with it, and wash the stinking bedding ourselves.

Tilltheend99 · 03/03/2022 03:41

I agree with others posters that cleaning the sheets for him is allowing him to stay in denial about his behaviour when he drinks.

Don’t clean him up or the bed and he will start to think twice.

1forAll74 · 03/03/2022 04:02

Some heavy drinkers, and some men with prostate problems can have accidents in bed. Maybe get him some of those big incontinent pads, that some care home residents have to use.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 03/03/2022 09:29

Way to say ‘our sex life is dead’ and / or ‘you will never see me naked again’: buy your OH incontinence pads.

thebabessavedme · 03/03/2022 10:12

I would forgive and help clean up if my DH had a prostate problem, illness is a different issue, I have Colitis and during a really bad flare my DH has me after an accident, pissing the bed because of drink, I think it would be a deal breaker for both of us, and we like a drink and sometimes have too much, but that much?, nah! thats problem drinking.

SevenWaystoLeave · 03/03/2022 10:54

People seem to be assuming he's an alcoholic but unless I've missed it OP hasn't said anything about his normal drinking habits. Does he drink much in between these twice yearly binge sessions? If he only gets drunk twice a year, even if that's to excess, he's not an alcoholic. Which is not to say this isn't a problem that he has to address but it's a different problem from living with a habitual alcoholic.

Thedogscollar · 03/03/2022 11:13

[quote ImWearingReallyJudgyPants]@newbiename this is a false comparison, really. I doubt that the OP would have married him, had he been a road sweeper. I wouldn't have married a road sweeper, tbh.[/quote]
What an appropriate user name given the judgemental tone of your post.

CrowFriend · 03/03/2022 11:16

OP sounds like a martyr who is almost taking satisfaction in humiliating her husband.

Telling the DC and planning to tell counsellor.
No empathy for a man who she believes is struggling, working very long and stressful hours and OP’s view is that it’s hard being married to ‘a mess’. Yes it is but tough to be a mess too.

Not saying that makes his behaviour acceptable ( of course not!) but the whole dynamic seems very sad.

Tough place to be for them both.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 04/03/2022 00:10

Could not disagree with you more @CrowFriend. She sounds really upset and in a hard place where she thinks her marriage might be ending.

How much empathy is a wife expected to have for a man who pisses the bed every six months because he gets drunk, but who denies at every turn that there's an issue? You can't force a person to accept their own struggles you can only deal with your own. But unfortunately, those struggles cause ripples of upset throughout the family. Or are we now saying that some behaviours are to be excused if you're having a hard time?

I think it's really cruel of you to say that about her to be quite honest.

Person123456 · 04/03/2022 03:30

if hes really not coping and this is whats going on, i think you should speak to him about getting some help, this isnt normal and he might be really suffering inside but not showing all of it

Person123456 · 04/03/2022 03:36

@CrowFriend

OP sounds like a martyr who is almost taking satisfaction in humiliating her husband.

Telling the DC and planning to tell counsellor.
No empathy for a man who she believes is struggling, working very long and stressful hours and OP’s view is that it’s hard being married to ‘a mess’. Yes it is but tough to be a mess too.

Not saying that makes his behaviour acceptable ( of course not!) but the whole dynamic seems very sad.

Tough place to be for them both.

shame on you, this nice lady came here seeking help for a very tough situation, there's no need to be nasty, have some compassion and empathy!
mathanxiety · 04/03/2022 04:23

No empathy for a man who she believes is struggling, working very long and stressful hours and OP’s view is that it’s hard being married to ‘a mess’. Yes it is but tough to be a mess too.

I think it's tougher to have to carry an armful of smelly, piss-soaked bedding through a house to a washing machine while trying to pretend to herself that this wasn't her life.

Spidey66 · 04/03/2022 15:39

@1forAll74

Some heavy drinkers, and some men with prostate problems can have accidents in bed. Maybe get him some of those big incontinent pads, that some care home residents have to use.
Wetting the bed because of prostate problems, and wetting the bed because you’re so pissed you fail to recognise the sensation of a full bladder or a wet bed are 2 completely different scenarios.

Anyone would have sympathy with the first scenario and importantly the person who wet the bed due to medical reasons would likely be mortified and try and do everything to correct it. This man thinks it’s fine!!!

Spidey66 · 04/03/2022 15:45

Oh btw I love a drink after a hard week at work. I’m not one of these MNetters who think one sniff of a sherry trifle makes them an alcoholic, who who shouts LTB because once in 10 years their husband got pissed at his brothers stag night and vomited in the flower pot. This however is a different kettle of fish altogether.

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