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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh pissing bed drunk

472 replies

Exutant · 25/02/2022 07:11

He is 52 and went into work yesterday in London (normally wfh). Spare bedroom. I went in to see him at 6am - bed soaking with and freezing.
It's not the first time - it happens about every 6 months.
I'm so pissed off. Carrying the sheets down and the lovely matress topper that all thr guests say has made the bed so comfortable. Probably ruined.
Washing machine is thru the kitchen so the kids saw - ashamed to.say I told them "daddy has pissed the bed".
Aibu to think it's not normal?
He's trying to ignore me asking about it and even tried to get into our bed but I made him have a shower.
Now he's being all jolly with the kids and I feel seething.

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 25/02/2022 08:01

Sometimes OP you need to make a stand. Those prissy sheets would have been on that bed all week (and himself in there sleeping on them) before I'd have cleared up his mess. Stop being such a walk over. You cant change your DH's behaviour but you can change yours.

Original poster

Exutant · 25/02/2022 08:01

@Shuffleuplove

OP why is it vile to tell his mother that he wets the bed because he’s so out of control? Why are you covering/enabling???

I probably will tell his mother. The vile was directed to the idea of having a pissy matress emanating Stink for weeks. And that poster's insult towards me wasn't the most pleasant either.

OP posts:

Migrainesbythedozen · 25/02/2022 08:02

@Exutant

If I'd left them on he would have stayed there until 9.30.

And? So? 9:30am is pretty early, I thought you were going to say he gets up at 1pm, which would usually be normal for that amount of drinking. He has to get up sooner or later, he can put them in the wash when he gets up. I feel for you having to put up with him don't get me wrong and he must be incredibly frustrating, but you do seem very passive and enabling.

ReeseWitherfork · 25/02/2022 08:02

@Exutant

Well I'm so glad all of you can 'make' your husbands do what you want when you want. I'm not so lucky. I'm not just going to let stale piss smell seep around my upstairs for hours when I can sort it sooner. Surprised that others would do that tbh

I wouldn't need to "make" my husband do anything in this scenario. He's a responsible person who rectifies his mistakes. Pissing the bed is one thing but not giving a shit is a whole other level of unacceptable. That bit would be the deal breaker for me (for my own person circumstances, not saying you should LTB).

HomeHomeInTheRange · 25/02/2022 08:02

@Lime37

How old are the children?? At 52 I think they are probably a bit old to be calling him daddy

Utterly ridiculous comment.

HotWaterAndLemon · 25/02/2022 08:02

Being a SAHM doesn't involve cleaning up a grown man's piss
Agree but I also understand why you didn’t want to leave it for hours.

You sound defeated by it all OP. Is separating an option?

Porcupineintherough · 25/02/2022 08:02

pissy sheets though I can see why even my spellchecker doesnt want to believe it.

QuirkyTurtle · 25/02/2022 08:03

Bless you OP. I looked after my alcoholic ex boyfriend when he was in that situation because I'm a caretaker type of person, as I assume are you. The people on here saying 'why didn't you ...' likely aren't very empathetic people or just lack the ability to put themselves in anyone else's shoes.

I'm not saying your husband is an alcoholic, but overconsumption of alcohol is way too normalised in this country. I sympathise with you, OP. You need to have a good chat with him and get through to him what this is doing to your mental health.

starterset · 25/02/2022 08:03

I'm sorry OP, this sounds like a horrible situation. As many, many others have said, this is totally unacceptable behaviour even once in an adult lifetime, let alone a couple of times a year. It's the kind of thing you might do once or twice in your crazy youth, but then you grow up. I'd feel most worried by the fact that he's not absolutely mortified about this. I'm glad you're seeing a counsellor - I think there are some very serious conversations to be had here, and I would be looking very hard at your financial security, as this seems to be something he controls. How old are your DC? Can you start working again yourself? It sounds like your DH is taking massive advantage of your SAHM status and treating you with shockingly little respect.

user1471538283 · 25/02/2022 08:04

Good god. My bf has been in some states as have I but we have never once done this. To be so drunk you cannot make it to the bathroom? That sounds like a serious drinking problem especially if hes not hungover.

I would have let him lie there. I cannot believe you cleaned up and he is not mortified.

Nomorefuckstogive · 25/02/2022 08:04

Not normal, repulsive in fact. Really couldn’t bring myself to have sex with such a revolting slob.

OhJesusEffingChrist · 25/02/2022 08:04

You're saying that's he's 52
And then you say that you're children are 52 and 49? Have I read that correctly?

Shuffleuplove · 25/02/2022 08:04

OP I’ll tell you how this goes;

You go to counselling and mention his drinking amongst the other things that are pissing you off. He makes noises about changing but simultaneously bleats about the financial and career pressures on him. Things improve slightly for a bit. But fundamentally they don’t get better. He is still the same man who thinks he calls the shots to the little woman, and you’re the same woman who sorts his pissed on sheets. He’s already crossed SO many lines.

Fast forward a decade or so, and you’ll be so fed up both of you that there’s a crisis somewhere and you split up. He remarries an equally doting younger model. Ends.

OhJesusEffingChrist · 25/02/2022 08:05

*your

thepeopleversuswork · 25/02/2022 08:05

@radiocity

Once every 6 months you say? I mean, it's disgusting yes but if it's only happened twice a year it's no big deal.

We all get drunk and do stupid things. My DH is a city banker - sometimes he just puts himself up in a hotel if he's been on it.

It really is a big deal.

I have got drunk and done stupid things. Roaringly stupid things. But I have never in my life soiled my bed. You say your husband is a City banker as if we're all supposed to go "ah yes, that's alright then". He can drink himself to the point where he loses control of his bladder but its because he's a CITY BANKER.

Anyway I digress. This would be a dealbreaker to me and I wouldn't wash his sheets either.

Original poster

Exutant · 25/02/2022 08:05

@HotWaterAndLemon

Being a SAHM doesn't involve cleaning up a grown man's piss Agree but I also understand why you didn’t want to leave it for hours.

You sound defeated by it all OP. Is separating an option?

Probably a complicated option and one that will involve financial arrangements I can't currently fathom. But I hope so.

OP posts:

sm40 · 25/02/2022 08:07

When I say 'make him pay' I mean in ideal world you wouldn't be given a housekeeping allowance. There would be one account. You might have to buy it from effectively his money but I would be telling him why the account was down this month.
It's not right to make you pay for his mistakes either financially or clearing up.

JimmyShoo · 25/02/2022 08:07

Had you not stripped the bed, what would your husband have done when he woke up?

GalesThisMorning · 25/02/2022 08:07

Noo!!!!! OP don't tell his mother! Why would you? Talk to him about it, he's grown, it's too late for his mum to step in!!!

Talk to him. Tell him you are disgusted, and he's treating you like shit. Tell him you won't accept it, you have too much self worth to deal with his shit. Then tell him you want free access to all money, not just housekeeping. Then tell him you are getting a job so that you have some level of self sufficiency and protection, because a man who acts like this is not a man you'd want to rely on....

FannyCann · 25/02/2022 08:07

Is it normal to stay in hotels when there is a possibility of being so drunk that the bed is wet? Poor chambermaids sorting this out. I assume hotels charge for a new mattress and specialist cleaning of any vomit ?

arethereanyleftatall · 25/02/2022 08:07

@Exutant

It isn't really about 'making'. It's about respect. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect me. For me, the pissing in the bed isn't the deal breaker here. We all make mistakes. But your subsequent posts are implying that he intends leaving it for you to fix. That is awful and utterly unacceptable, so disrespectful.

Mouk · 25/02/2022 08:08

No, not normal at all.

My dad and ex were both raging alcoholics and did this regularly. He needs to get help, but before that happens he needs to admit to himself he's got a problem.

Original poster

Exutant · 25/02/2022 08:08

Actually I see them as MY SHEETS.
Why should I not fucking clean them if they are dirty.

Grr, almost derailed thread by the focus being on this.

OP posts:

Cocogreen · 25/02/2022 08:08

No it's not normal for an adult to be be so drunk they wet the bed and sleep in it.
If I were you I'd tell him how ashamed and disgusted you were, cleaning up after him.
I'm glad you're getting counselling. He also needs to see a doctor about his incontinence.

DreamingofTimbuktu · 25/02/2022 08:09

If my husband wet the bed when drunk he’d be mortified and clean up after himself, if he was ill obviously I’d do it.

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