Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh pissing bed drunk

472 replies

Exutant · 25/02/2022 07:11

He is 52 and went into work yesterday in London (normally wfh). Spare bedroom. I went in to see him at 6am - bed soaking with and freezing.
It's not the first time - it happens about every 6 months.
I'm so pissed off. Carrying the sheets down and the lovely matress topper that all thr guests say has made the bed so comfortable. Probably ruined.
Washing machine is thru the kitchen so the kids saw - ashamed to.say I told them "daddy has pissed the bed".
Aibu to think it's not normal?
He's trying to ignore me asking about it and even tried to get into our bed but I made him have a shower.
Now he's being all jolly with the kids and I feel seething.

OP posts:
ESGdance · 25/02/2022 11:24

@RJnomore1

Totally different view here. Your husband is mega stressed. You say yourself he is acting oddly shouting ant oriole and working frankly ridiculous hours. And I say that as a workaholic myself. Your passive aggressive hooking of the sheets to the washer is no more constructive than his avoidance of the topic.

Should a friend man wet the bed drunk ? No.

Should anyone be cleaning up after an adult like that? Again, no.

What do you want here? Why is he so stressed? Is he the sort who would work regardless and opt out of home or is he feeling the financial pressures of being solely responsible for a family, 3 private school fees etc?

I don’t think this one is necessarily as straightforward as drunken disgusting pig. The context is really important. I’d hate to see my husband in such a mess and struggling. You just sound like you despise him. Perhaps there’s reasons for that.

He is not solely financially responsible for the family and school fees. The OP is a major contributor to supporting his career progression so that he can earn enough to, save, invest and privately educate HIS children.
worriedatthemoment · 25/02/2022 11:26

I think yoU should of left him to clean it and sort the mattress , with door shut the whole upstairs wouldn't stink
It he had to deal with the aftermath he may think twice
I had a friend who's partner used to piss the bed when he had a drink , no other time and not even after large amounts but he did clean it himself ,

Treaclepie19 · 25/02/2022 11:27

This would be a deal breaker for me. Also I wouldn't be telling the kids what happens. I'd have left the sheets for him to sort or told them they just needed changing. Controversial I'm sure but as the child of an alcoholic I'd rather have been shielded as much as possible.

WonderfulYou · 25/02/2022 11:29

God forbid Op expresses some emotion and breaks out of robot martyr mummy mode. I think the kids will be able to fathom that their father pissing the bed is a completely different kettle of fish to them doing it

@LuckySantangelo35
She stripped her grown adult husbands bed and carried his wet sheets through the kids room to wash them - I don’t think she did break out of robot martyr mummy mode.

  • if you think that’s normal then I feel bad for you.

Or should I say she didn’t break out of robot martyr wife mode but chose to bring her kids into it because for some reason she won’t say it to her husband.

CJsGoldfish · 25/02/2022 11:32

That is also very harmful to families and I have lots of friends who have ongoing issues in adult from their parents splitting up
It's harmful when the parents make it so. When the children are the focus, they cope incredibly well.
Having you involve them in things like this and them seeing you act as a doormat/martyr would be far more harmful I can assure you.

worriedatthemoment · 25/02/2022 11:35

@ESGdance well he kind of his the kids are obviously at school so maybe he could do with doing less and another wage coming in to make the shortfull who knows
And re: housekeeping yes it could be financial control or it could not depending on the amount and if Op has a credit card for emergencies or is able to access other money when needed
My auntie doesn't work and she gets what she calls housekeeping from my uncle about £1000 a month and she has to buy food for 3 out of that so i wouldn't call that financial control as she has plenty of money to spend after the foods bought each month

ElevenSmiles · 25/02/2022 11:42

All this I'd leave bullshit, I wouldn't leave my husband for couple of fuck ups we all fuck up unless you're one of those perfect people.

girlmom21 · 25/02/2022 11:47

@ElevenSmiles

All this I'd leave bullshit, I wouldn't leave my husband for couple of fuck ups we all fuck up unless you're one of those perfect people.
You wouldn't leave your husband for pissing the bed on multiple occasions, leaving it for you to clean up, then playing hardball about paying for a replacement mattress, duvet etc, while also being financially controlling?

You don't have to be perfect to not put up with that shit.

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/02/2022 11:48

@WonderfulYou
The stripping his bed and cleaning up after him is unnecessary and martyr I agree with you. What I don’t agreed with you on is castigating the OP for daring to express how some exasperation about it in her front of her children. It’s good for them to know it’s not ok and they will be able to grasp that it’s different to them doing it

ladygindiva · 25/02/2022 11:49

My ex used to do this occasionally. It turned out he had diabetes, may be worth checking out. But yes, it's grim.

ESGdance · 25/02/2022 11:51

@Exutant

Perhaps the type of woman who won't (cant?) separate will also cope less than perfectly after a failed marriage and still not live up to their children's expectations?
You have no idea how strong you are right now and how much you are currently carrying living with this dysfunctional, degrading and exhausting situation. You are just using your strength for the wrong person in the misguided notion that this is best for your DCs.

Moving on from this will release your strength and energy from propping up this facade and free you to give your DCs and yourself an emotionally healthy, robust and calm childhood which will set them up for life.

I don’t think that you can wrap your head around that vision right now - but please look at emotionally supporting yourself separately from this relationship. Even if you just emotionally detach in your head. Drop the rope. Take a breath, get support and it time the path will be clear.

Many of us have walked this path.

Emotional freedom is glorious. The money and lifestyle is not worth it - although you will be fine - you will have enough money - and then in time an abundance of positive energy.

Honestly it’s wonderful on the other side.

No woman ever regrets leaving a financially controlling, emotionally negligent, problem drinker.

Having a calm and peaceful home life with kindness and respect is worth so much more than £££££

WonderfulYou · 25/02/2022 11:56

What I don’t agreed with you on is castigating the OP for daring to express how some exasperation about it in her front of her children. It’s good for them to know it’s not ok and they will be able to grasp that it’s different to them doing it

I disagree.
I don’t think it’s fair to drag children into something that’s between the adults and try and make them pick sides.

It’s not showing them it’s not ok because OP isn’t saying anything to him she’s just saying it to her children and carries on washing his sheets like a maid - that’s just teaching them you should put up with it and not say anything.

If OP and her DH had an argument and then she explained why he’s sulking because he has to wash his own sheets then that’s different but washing his sheets and moaning to the kids instead of him is sending a really bad message and puts them in an awkward situation.

Grida · 25/02/2022 11:57

I would not have cleaned up after him. I would have left the stinking sheets and mattress for him to deal with. If it meant leaving them for weeks, I would have closed the spare bedroom door and waited until he dealt with them. He is taking advantage of the fact that you are a SAHM and treating you like his slave (I bet he wouldn’t expect a cleaner to deal with his pissy sheets, as they would demand more respect).

RJnomore1 · 25/02/2022 11:58

He is entirely financially responsible now though in that no matter what the op does in the house, it’s not paying a bill. That’s a heavy burden to carry. Some people cannot do it long term.

Whether he’s ill or just a wanker I cannot tell from the info on here. Could be either.

ElevenSmiles · 25/02/2022 12:00

girlmom....Get it right a couple of times a year...No I wouldn't

girlmom21 · 25/02/2022 12:02

@RJnomore1

He is entirely financially responsible now though in that no matter what the op does in the house, it’s not paying a bill. That’s a heavy burden to carry. Some people cannot do it long term.

Whether he’s ill or just a wanker I cannot tell from the info on here. Could be either.

If he wasn't a wanker he'd apologise, be mortified and vow to stop drinking.
girlmom21 · 25/02/2022 12:03

@ElevenSmiles

girlmom....Get it right a couple of times a year...No I wouldn't
A couple of times a year for an unknown number of years is multiple occasions.

More fool you.

heyitsthistle · 25/02/2022 12:03

My sister's ex-DH has this problem. They stayed over and he got drunk. The next morning my friend asked for a bucket of soapy water and told me that he'd pissed the bed. He came down and said sorry, "it just happens when I'm drunk". Although he said the word 'sorry', he laughed and shrugged his shoulders as though I should be accepting of his behaviour because he chose to drink.

I was shocked but as soon as he'd left (and cleared up) I wondered what the fuck was wrong with him? He knew he pissed the bed when he's drunk, and he was staying over at my house, but got so drunk anyway that he fucking pissed the bed???

Unsurprisingly, I've not invited him to stay again.

scoobydoo1971 · 25/02/2022 12:10

White vinegar can work wonders on urine stains. Ebay sell incontinence mattress protectors. While this maybe a drink problem, it may be a sign of underlying health issues...prostate, diabetes etc and requires medical input.

ESGdance · 25/02/2022 12:11

@RJnomore1

He is entirely financially responsible now though in that no matter what the op does in the house, it’s not paying a bill. That’s a heavy burden to carry. Some people cannot do it long term.

Whether he’s ill or just a wanker I cannot tell from the info on here. Could be either.

Yes the OP does pay her way - she does 24/7 childcare, shops, cooks, cleans, laundry etc and runs his home and life so he can toddle off to the office unhindered.

It’s very easy to put a £££ value on that support service and add much more for the emotional support she providing for him and his children.

Pythone · 25/02/2022 12:13

People who are more casual about this, and think of it as something that just happens from time to time... don't you worry about your mattresses? In the absence of a waterproof mattress protector, I don't understand how just putting the sheets in the wash and presumably wiping the bed with soapy water is actually going to clean up the majority of the liquid, which will be inside the mattress.

KatieMaurice · 25/02/2022 12:17

I’m glad to hear you’re training with a view to getting work. You seem to be in such a vulnerable position, depending on a man who isn’t coping with his job.

Would you consider starting a different thread to tap about your efforts to get back to work because it really sounds like you could use as much support as possible and MN can be brilliant for this (despite the hard time you’re getting here)

KatieMaurice · 25/02/2022 12:18

Oh and sprinkle the matress with bicarb and leave it for a few days before hoovering it off.

ElevenSmiles · 25/02/2022 12:19

girlmom.....Shouldn't that be more fool OP.

RedHelenB · 25/02/2022 12:19

@Exutant

Friends and family stay in that bed. I made it all comfy and nice as at one point a guest (his mother) said it was uncomfortable. And he would honestly have lain there in it unless I stripped the bed.
I'd have left him to it.