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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh pissing bed drunk

472 replies

Exutant · 25/02/2022 07:11

He is 52 and went into work yesterday in London (normally wfh). Spare bedroom. I went in to see him at 6am - bed soaking with and freezing.
It's not the first time - it happens about every 6 months.
I'm so pissed off. Carrying the sheets down and the lovely matress topper that all thr guests say has made the bed so comfortable. Probably ruined.
Washing machine is thru the kitchen so the kids saw - ashamed to.say I told them "daddy has pissed the bed".
Aibu to think it's not normal?
He's trying to ignore me asking about it and even tried to get into our bed but I made him have a shower.
Now he's being all jolly with the kids and I feel seething.

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 25/02/2022 13:39

It’s definitely not ok. The response should be in line with the reason though. MH issues can affect anyone, lawyer or not. I’d like to think there’s some compassion in cases where that’s the case.

dollymuchymuchness · 25/02/2022 13:39

@Exutant

Perhaps the type of woman who won't (cant?) separate will also cope less than perfectly after a failed marriage and still not live up to their children's expectations?
That's rubbish @Exutant, beware of the self-fullfilling prophecy.

Get away from this awful man and you will be much stronger and happier.

Firstruleofsoupover · 25/02/2022 13:46

I had a boyfriend who occasionally did this and when I was in the bed - so you would think it would be simple to wake him when you hear the sound and then of course the sensation. Absolutely couldn't wake him. It is grim to say the least, I know, but I just wanted to mention that this boyfriend had sleep apnoea diagnosed a couple of years later, and had some sort of surgery I think which worked. As his companion at the pub, I knew he didn't drink ridiculously. Your man OP does seem to drink heavily but I thought I would contribute my experience in case possibly he has the same. Apparently if the back of the neck is quite... fatty.... such as a few folds...it is more likely the person has this problem. Now I have made everyone feel a bit ill, over and out.

Franca123 · 25/02/2022 13:51

My partner pissed himself once after a Christmas do years ago. He'd passed out in the hall and i couldn't move him so I'd chucked a blanket over him. He's since massively reduced his drinking as he was ashamed. I bunged the mess in the washing machine as I felt sorry for him. I wouldn't do it on a regular basis as I'm not a door mat. You both need to sort your shit out.

KneadingKitty · 25/02/2022 14:08

@THisbackwithavengeance

I never realised drunken grown men pissing the bed was a thing until I read it on MN. And I've seen some drunk men in my time.

You're a better woman than me OP, I'd have left him in it.

People dont like to admit this goes on in their homes and they stay in the relationship. I was embarrassed
tara66 · 25/02/2022 14:36

I know someone whose partner does this and who is probably an alcoholic. He is also abusive and she wants to leave him. I had never heard of adults (who did not have some actual medical condition ) actually wetting the bed. Is it only men that do it? I don't know why everyone is focused on the OP not washing the sheets etc. - I read through the thread hoping for more enlighten advice. This woman I know can't afford to leave at the present time unless a relative gives her a substantial amount of money - and yes this IS the reality of some situations!

Drinkingallthewine · 25/02/2022 14:40

Spidey66, same as that. As an Irish person I've seen a lot of heavy drinking. I have not once encountered a man who pissed the bed nor have I ever encountered an Irish woman who would consider it a normal part of a bender.

Anyone in Ireland who's in the habit of pissing themselves while drunk would be considered to have a serious drinking problem.

Spidey66 · 25/02/2022 15:23

@Drinkingallthewine (ironic name:) )
I know! I mean I’ve never had a partner who’d done it but heard of others doing it and it was like a line had been crossed and their alcohol use was now a problem.

OfstedOffred · 25/02/2022 15:37

This is fucking disgusting and 100% not normal. My DH got pretty blind drunk a few times in younger years and has never once fucking pissed in a bed.

You have to be basically unconscious to do that, or have something medically wrong.

He either needs help for alcoholism or help for bladder/continence related stuff.

MadameHeisenberg · 25/02/2022 16:30

Good grief OP, you need to retrieve your self-respect and dignity from the gutter and get a grip of yourself.

Ask yourself, would you put up with such humiliating treatment if your DH were a city street sweeper rather than a city lawyer? Would you be cleaning up his piss then too? Because if not, then you need to be honest and admit that you’re in the marriage for the lifestyle he affords you, and you’re willing to do degrading tasks in exchange for that.

Is this really the example you want to set for your children? Mummy stays at home and is treated like a hotel maid, but it’s ok because Daddy has a ‘big, important’ job?

And if you really think his problems are down to him struggling and not coping at work, then why aren’t you out working too to help ease the burden?

newbiename · 25/02/2022 16:55

@Bluesheep8

My DH is a city banker - sometimes he just puts himself up in a hotel if he's been on it

Why is the job title relevant? Job was mentioned in the OP too, I don't see why what people do for a living has anything to do with pissing the bed Confused

It's ok for your husband to piss the bed if he has a 'City' job and earns £250k , then you have to wash the sheets. It's not ok if he works as a bin man earning £20k. Double standards 🙄
AsTreesWalking · 25/02/2022 17:04

I do a lot of urine cleaning after my husband. It isn't fun. He sometimes wets the bed,and often the bathroom floor. He tries to clean it up if he can.
But he has Parkinson's and is very ill.
It's a whole different thing.
Will your husband engage with the counselling OP? There is something wrong - I do hopeyou can come to some sort of resolution.

PrincessNutella · 25/02/2022 17:05

If my husband had pissed in a bed, I would never be able to look at him as a legitimate romantic partner again. I would be well and truly disgusted.

PrincessNutella · 25/02/2022 17:06

Let me clarify: It would be entirely different if he were ill with Parkinson's and had a legitimate illness. In that case, I could easily imagine loving someone who was struggling. But a healthy grown man who chooses to drink himself to the point where he URINATES in a bed like a toddler? Eeeewwwww.

bluechairs · 25/02/2022 17:19

I've done this once in my life aged 19 when at university. I was paralytic and it's never happened since. To be doing it in his 50s I'd be worried that either his continence was getting bad (pelvic floor Pt needed etc) or that he was drinking an obscene amount.

If he's drinking to cope with a lot of stress I do have some sympathy for him as something needs to be done to reduce his stress but that's hard to do.

He needs a healthy outlet for stress. And to wash his own pissy sheets.

ImWearingReallyJudgyPants · 25/02/2022 18:12

@newbiename this is a false comparison, really. I doubt that the OP would have married him, had he been a road sweeper. I wouldn't have married a road sweeper, tbh.

DryOldCaper · 25/02/2022 19:27

I always have a wry smile when posters say things like - make him wash the sheets ,make him give you money etc etc .how do you MAKE a grown man wash sheets ? My DSD’s husband has wet the bed ( and worse ) but refuses to wash them as she is a SAHM so what is she supposed to do ??

Ah, leave him?!

I think the people saying ‘make him wash the sheets’ aren’t with a man who would do this in the first place. Or, if he did, he’d recognise how bad it was, would be mortified and clean it up, and certainly wouldn’t expect some skivvy to clean up after him. Essentially - decent men.

You’re saying your step-daughter’s husband has shit the bed? And made her clean it up?

FML - that is next level.

Of course she deserves better than a partner like that. Confused

StoneofDestiny · 25/02/2022 19:50

It's not normal OP.
Washing the sheets to get the stink out of your home is normal.
His response is not normal.
His stress is clearly a huge issue and he needs help.
Only you know why you are staying with a man you no longer love and hopefully your marriage counselling will get to the route of it all.

Good luck to you

mathanxiety · 25/02/2022 20:18

In the nicest possible way, you are covering up for him. This will hurt you and the children in the short and long yerm.

Tell his mother she's sleeping on an air mattress you will buy, in a sleeping bag she brings with her, next time she visits, and tell her why.

He lies in his own piss if he pisses the air mattress. Do not wash any more bedding - do not provide any more bedding. He comes home drunk, his clothes and anything else he pisses on get thrown out.

Talk to people IRL about this. Tell his mother. Tell your friends. Tell your family.

How will he reach rock bottom when you are busy providing a safety net for him?

Join Al Anon for Families for support for you and the children.

2bazookas · 25/02/2022 20:20

as its happened before, why is there no waterproof mattress protector?

Bluetrews25 · 25/02/2022 20:33

Eh?
As it's happened before why did he not just drink less so it didn't happen again?
He's not a 2 year old just out of nappies!

Janesmom · 25/02/2022 21:12

Meh. Not ideal but not the first time I’ve heard of someone doing this. I used to work in a City law firm and heavy drinking is part and parcel of the culture. Was normally people being sick which is probably marginally better.

I’d just leave him to do his own sheets. Problem solved.

RampantIvy · 25/02/2022 21:45

I’d just leave him to do his own sheets. Problem solved.

But if he doesn't do them the problem isn't solved. Is it?

StrongerOrWeaker · 25/02/2022 22:13

If he acknowledges that there's a problem then you have something to work with. Otherwise I am afraid you don't come across as a team and I can't see how it's going to get any better

Spidey66 · 25/02/2022 23:48

@2bazookas

as its happened before, why is there no waterproof mattress protector?
A waterproof mattress protector just continues to enable him to drink himself to death without him facing up to the fact he's an abusive controlling man, with an alcohol problem. He wouldn't need a mattress protector if he faced up to his problems. He's not a child and he doesn't have an underlying medical condition. He's wetting the bed because he drinks too much. Easy. As. That. Using a protector is another way to keep him in denial.