Dh pissing bed drunk

[Exutant]

He is 52 and went into work yesterday in London (normally wfh). Spare bedroom. I went in to see him at 6am - bed soaking with and freezing.
It's not the first time - it happens about every 6 months.
I'm so pissed off. Carrying the sheets down and the lovely matress topper that all thr guests say has made the bed so comfortable. Probably ruined.
Washing machine is thru the kitchen so the kids saw - ashamed to.say I told them "daddy has pissed the bed".
Aibu to think it's not normal?
He's trying to ignore me asking about it and even tried to get into our bed but I made him have a shower.
Now he's being all jolly with the kids and I feel seething.

@ElevenSmiles

girlmom.....Shouldn't that be more fool OP.

It's hard to see the wood for the trees when you're in the situation so it's understandable to see why she's stuck to an extent.

You, presumably, are not in the situation and, as an outsider, are saying you'd willingly be financially abused and would stay with a man who treated you with utter contempt and disrespect, so no.

Fucking hell. Why are you doing his laundry for christ sake ? When will women stop doing this ?!? If this was my husband he would be mortified and would wash them himself. He certainly wouldn't want me doing it. So disrespectful.

You have no idea how strong you are right now and how much you are currently carrying living with this dysfunctional, degrading and exhausting situation. You are just using your strength for the wrong person in the misguided notion that this is best for your DCs.

Moving on from this will release your strength and energy from propping up this facade and free you to give your DCs and yourself an emotionally healthy, robust and calm childhood which will set them up for life.

I don’t think that you can wrap your head around that vision right now - but please look at emotionally supporting yourself separately from this relationship. Even if you just emotionally detach in your head. Drop the rope. Take a breath, get support and it time the path will be clear.

OP, this is the clearest and most sensible advice I've read on this thread.

I'm glad you are going to counselling and I would advise individual counselling as well.

The facts are that you don't think you love him, he gets pissed and wets the bed, he has no remorse, he doesn't help sort it out and he gives you an allowance and doesn't share financial information with you.

For most people anyone of those things would be enough to leave.

But how do you know wouldn't have been angry and got issues if they had spilt up.

That is also very harmful to families and I have lots of friends who have ongoing issues in adult from their parents splitting up.

It can be painful for children when their parents split up, yes. But it is far preferable than seeing either of their parents unhappy. I promise you, the best thing for your kids will also be the best thing for you. What they need is a parent who first of all takes care of herself and takes action to make sure she is happy.

I'm not saying this means you should leave your husband, at all. I just mean please don't add the worry about whether separated parents will harm your children into the mix.

The decisions about your relationship are to do with you and your husband; your children's mental wellbeing will be best served when you have a functioning, healthy relationship.

I hope that helps - you put your children first by putting yourself first, if that make sense.

@Clymene

No it's not normal, it's disgusting. But why are you cleaning his pissy sheets?

This.

Make him take his own pissy washing down.

I seriously can’t understand how some people are almost sticking up for the husband, sushi guy if it’s only twice a year it’s ok or suggesting incontinence pads when he’s had a skinful.

I enjoy a drink. So does my husband. We’re both from Irish backgrounds where alcohol use is not only ‘normal’ but encouraged. However even on that context if someone is so pissed that neither a full bladder or a wet bed is enough to wake them, it’s generally seen as problematic and help is needed. It’s not the same as a weak bladder…. in that context the sufferer is usually mortified but this man has no shame.

I remember a thread during the first lockdown. The OP had gone to the supermarket with her toddler and on the way back was bursting for a wee and ended up going in a footpath round the back of some houses. I had a lot of sympathy for her as the lack of toilets/pubs/McDonald’s was one of the worst things for me as I sometimes have problems with bladder control. But she was slated here. But this man gets people saying oh it’s only every 6 months!!!

I don’t know where sushi guy came from!

girlmom.....Have you thought about writing fiction...You could earn a few quid.

My DH is a city banker - sometimes he just puts himself up in a hotel if he's been on it

Why is the job title relevant? Job was mentioned in the OP too, I don't see why what people do for a living has anything to do with pissing the bed

@Spidey66

I seriously can’t understand how some people are almost sticking up for the husband, sushi guy if it’s only twice a year it’s ok or suggesting incontinence pads when he’s had a skinful.

I enjoy a drink. So does my husband. We’re both from Irish backgrounds where alcohol use is not only ‘normal’ but encouraged. However even on that context if someone is so pissed that neither a full bladder or a wet bed is enough to wake them, it’s generally seen as problematic and help is needed. It’s not the same as a weak bladder…. in that context the sufferer is usually mortified but this man has no shame.

I remember a thread during the first lockdown. The OP had gone to the supermarket with her toddler and on the way back was bursting for a wee and ended up going in a footpath round the back of some houses. I had a lot of sympathy for her as the lack of toilets/pubs/McDonald’s was one of the worst things for me as I sometimes have problems with bladder control. But she was slated here. But this man gets people saying oh it’s only every 6 months!!!

I know. The bar for men is so incredibly low it's depressing.

Bluesheep...Its all about status.

I never realised drunken grown men pissing the bed was a thing until I read it on MN. And I've seen some drunk men in my time.

You're a better woman than me OP, I'd have left him in it.

@Exutant

Actually I see them as MY SHEETS. Why should I not fucking clean them if they are dirty.

Grr, almost derailed thread by the focus being on this.

Because you didn't piss in them?

It's really frightening that you either can't see how wrong this is, or are basically happy to do such degrading, disgusting things just because he earns a lot of money.

Do not enable this behaviour by cleaning up after him !!
He needs help we are all stressed in demanding jobs but arent alcoholics who piss the bed
Marriage guidance sounds like a good start but what are you going to do if he doesn’t get help and stop ?

@Spidey66

I seriously can’t understand how some people are almost sticking up for the husband, sushi guy if it’s only twice a year it’s ok or suggesting incontinence pads when he’s had a skinful.

I enjoy a drink. So does my husband. We’re both from Irish backgrounds where alcohol use is not only ‘normal’ but encouraged. However even on that context if someone is so pissed that neither a full bladder or a wet bed is enough to wake them, it’s generally seen as problematic and help is needed. It’s not the same as a weak bladder…. in that context the sufferer is usually mortified but this man has no shame.

I remember a thread during the first lockdown. The OP had gone to the supermarket with her toddler and on the way back was bursting for a wee and ended up going in a footpath round the back of some houses. I had a lot of sympathy for her as the lack of toilets/pubs/McDonald’s was one of the worst things for me as I sometimes have problems with bladder control. But she was slated here. But this man gets people saying oh it’s only every 6 months!!!

I remember that thread. The poor woman was mortified.

Oh ffs, it’s a clear fact that the op is not paying a bill.

It’s not a criticism it’s just a practical fact. The lifestyle sounds expensive if three children are at private school, he’s obviously over working and struggling, and every penny has to come from him to cover it at present.

Why do some women on here have no empathy to the financial burden of supporting a family? I’ve seen it repeatedly…it’s really not helpful to deny it exists. Yes op being at home may have facilitated his career - he’s still got to do the job though.

What if op was saying running the house was stressing her and making her cope badly? The bloody advice would be get a cleaner/gardener/child care go on a spa day…

Strip the bed. Then hand him the sheets and tell him to get the fuck up and deal with it.

He should do the walk of shame past the kids.

Sorry I completely agree with the person who said his response says a lot about him though

@radiocity

Once every 6 months you say? I mean, it's disgusting yes but if it's only happened twice a year it's no big deal.

We all get drunk and do stupid things. My DH is a city banker - sometimes he just puts himself up in a hotel if he's been on it.

What on earth have I just read??

If it’s happened ONCE it needs addressing, and his drinking habits etc changing, with a promise that it will NEVER happen again.

A couple of times a year IS a big deal.

What if op was saying running the house was stressing her and making her cope badly? The bloody advice would be get a cleaner/gardener/child care go on a spa day…

Yeah it wouldn't be get out-your-face drunk and piss the bed and let him clean it up, would it?

If the stress is too much he could talk to the OP and they could find a solution together like married couples should.

The solution to his problems is not to be a massive arsehole.

Yeah that applies both ways girlmom.

You sound more like the housekeeper than the wife :-/

@RJnomore1

Yeah that applies both ways girlmom.

I agree. She should address the behaviour with him and get a job. But it's him acting disgustingly. That's not ok.

@Exutant

Well I'm so glad all of you can 'make' your husbands do what you want when you want. I'm not so lucky. I'm not just going to let stale piss smell seep around my upstairs for hours when I can sort it sooner. Surprised that others would do that tbh

OP- not going to read all 16 pages but it's obvious now what your marriage is like.

You are being downtrodden by a man who doesn't care.

It's not a case of being 'lucky'.

It's setting the bar high enough for yourself so you don't put up with this abuse. It's probably gone on for years. There will be more you aren't telling us.

At 52 /49 and married to a high earner, it's a shocking disgrace that you
a) don't know how much money you have as a couple

b) have to beg for money, and live in some 1950s world where he gives you 'housekeeping'.

The wetting the bed is not the issue.

It's how you are not treated as an equal.

You don't have access to your income as a couple.

You are treated as a skivvy.

FGS wake up and realise this is not the 19thC where many women were controlled by their husbands.

You can leave and have a much better life.