Dh pissing bed drunk

[Exutant]

He is 52 and went into work yesterday in London (normally wfh). Spare bedroom. I went in to see him at 6am - bed soaking with and freezing.
It's not the first time - it happens about every 6 months.
I'm so pissed off. Carrying the sheets down and the lovely matress topper that all thr guests say has made the bed so comfortable. Probably ruined.
Washing machine is thru the kitchen so the kids saw - ashamed to.say I told them "daddy has pissed the bed".
Aibu to think it's not normal?
He's trying to ignore me asking about it and even tried to get into our bed but I made him have a shower.
Now he's being all jolly with the kids and I feel seething.

YABU for dealing with his dirty sheets. Make him do it!!!

So he pissed the bed and isn’t absolutely mortified or trying to clean it up himself? Dirty bastard.
I’ve never encountered an adult doing this, I wouldn’t put up with it at all.
He knows he does it and clearly isn’t bothered about it hence why he keeps drinking.

My ex used to do it regularly too, a lot younger than your oh. Worst thing was he would hide it and not clean it, so itd dry in and stink. Turned over sofa cushions etc. If I got annoyed he would get angry and say he didnt mean to in a snappy way.
One of many reasons hes an ex.

You’ve admitted you don’t love him OP. And sound like you don’t even like him (understandably in light of some of his behaviour). Leave him. Get a job and earn your own money to spend as you please. Love your life.

I would drag the mattress out into the garden and leave it there. If he doesn’t pay for a new one he can be the one to explain to your next guests that they are sleeping on the floor because the last mattress got ruined by his piss.

Sorry, I realise my post doesn’t help you with the decisions you need to be making about the rest of your life. Good luck OP, you will make it, and it will be better.

I'm confused about how old everyone is. You said the children are in their 40s but you're a SAHM and his mother is living?

He sounds like an alcoholic. At the point where someone is pissing themselves, surely they are at risk of alcohol poisoning. It sounds dangerous, especially on limited sleep and if he's a older.

It's disgusting, it's not ok, it's dangerous and disrespectful and completely unnecessary. His job is no excuse. He's being paid to be sensible and sharp, and this is the opposite of that.

@Brefugee

I really don't get why you didn't just leave him in there. Everything is ruined anyway.

It sounds rough though

Anger most likely. Having been in this situation over and over its pretty upsetting. It used to make me cry in frustration because my bed/sofa was being ruined.

YABU

1. I very much doubt he pisses in the sheets for a laugh - my friend has had a weak bladder and has to get up during the night else she’ll wet the bed. Drinking relaxes your muscles more/makes you sleep more deeply.

1. I really hope you didn’t tell yours kids that daddy pissed the sheets in a patronising way - if you’re a SAHP that means they’re still pretty young and are at risk of wetting the bed themselves.

1. For carrying his pissy sheets and washing them - you should have let him lie in it and then get up and wash them. You’re not his mum and he’s more than capable of washing his own sheets.

I don’t know if you were joking if not but please don’t tell his mum. It’s weird everyone is treating him like a child.

@Phobiaphobic

'Make him pay' won't work, so I will have to buy it from housekeeping. Then I'll be short but he will have to top it up. I'm sahm so all money comes from him

OP, I don't mean this unkindly, but is this a joke? I haven't heard anything like this since for about 30 years. Housekeeping? Why don't you have joint accounts and access to all the money? You're not his sodding employee on a wage.

That was my reaction, too.

My DF used to give my DM "housekeeping" when they were young and he got paid his wages in cash every week.

When he became "management", and his money was paid into a bank account, they had a joint account and my DM took money out as and when she needed to.

This was in the early 60s, and was quite normal, even then.

I'm confused about how old everyone is.

I assume he is 52 and she is 49.
I don’t think she’s said how old the kids are.
She’s a SAHP and had to walk through their bedroom and they call him daddy so they must be pretty young.

He needs help.
You need to stop playing the martyr.
Deal with this as a couple,you don't sound like a connected couple at all.
And leave the children out of it.

Just meeting clients normally for a drink. He gets carried away and orders spirits when he's already steaming on beer.
And sadly I never have his full attention if its something he doesn't want to discuss.

This tells me he has a significant alcohol problem. I suspect it has got slowly worse over the years to the stage he is at now. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If the word alcoholic is triggering - call it “problematic drinking” or “substance misuse” or “binge drinking” - it doesn’t really matter what word is chosen the actions, patterns and behaviours are unacceptable.

His behaviour in a business context is inappropriate and anti social and will be noted.

His behaviour in his home and his relationship with you has deteriorated to the point where you are dismissed and not heard and have to emotionally and physically hide and clear up the mess of the addict.

This is no way to live. There is no kindness or respect here.

You need support.

I would recommend that you see a therapist one to one and also engage with Al Anon so that you will understand the dynamics of addiction and how we are drawn into inadvertently enabling the problem. Al Anon will support you to emotionally “detach with love” - so that they are exposed to the consequences of their choices.

There is a lot of victim blaming on this thread and I know that it won’t help you when you are on your knees already.

Your children will be seeing, hearing, sensing, absorbing and internalising everything. They will be confused, scared, hurt, silenced by their distant, emotionally unavailable Dad and their exhausted, frustrated, angry Mum. You can’t hide this level of distress and emotion in the home and if you do it turns to long term crippling shame.

Please seek professional help for yourself to resource you to see your way through and support your DCs because they only have one functioning parent.

Signpost him to substance abuse support and then leave him to it.

Choose to conserve and invest your finite emotional energy in your own resilience and the your DCs emotional well being.

Play the long game here. It’s not about sheets. Get professional support for you and open up to trusted family and friends - your situation is far from unique but the secrecy could sink you.

@ElevenSmiles

Has the OP said he has a drink problem ?

Does she need to?

@Exutant

Perhaps the type of woman who won't (cant?) separate will also cope less than perfectly after a failed marriage and still not live up to their children's expectations?

Oh, OP. I'm so very sorry. I would like to give you a cup of tea and a hug.

I can understand how defeated and anxious and uncertain you must feel.

I think it sounds like you really need some help and support yourself. Whatever your decision about your marriage. AA have support for families of alcoholics, I believe. Take care.

He is an alcoholic and needs help dealing with this.

You also need to recognise you are the partner of an addict and need to protect yourself. Cleaning up after him is enabling the addiction.

Also, if you do split up: be cautious. Ex who did this drank at every contact with the children. Once drove to collect them steaming drunk. He says he doesnt drink during contact now as I threatened to remove it, but I think he does.

@thetombliboo

No I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. He was drunk and had a bodily function by accident? It's not like he is pulling it out and aiming at your soft furnishings.

If he was doing this every week yes you have a problem but now and again I wouldn't make an issue out of it you as were not in the bed, but let him clean it up himself in the future if it happens again and probably a chat about the amount he's drinking and the stress he is under.
Men suffer a weaker bladder with age too. He is probably ignoring it out of embarrassment.
As the current owner of a leaky bladder after a birth It is humiliating.
Touch wood I have never wet the bed but my kids have by accident, we don't shame them? It was an accident.

Blimey.

The fear of an accidental wee following childbirth is hardly comparable with habitual bedwetting through drunkenness...

• and all of what ESGdance said.

@WonderfulYou

YABU

1. I very much doubt he pisses in the sheets for a laugh - my friend has had a weak bladder and has to get up during the night else she’ll wet the bed. Drinking relaxes your muscles more/makes you sleep more deeply.

1. I really hope you didn’t tell yours kids that daddy pissed the sheets in a patronising way - if you’re a SAHP that means they’re still pretty young and are at risk of wetting the bed themselves.

1. For carrying his pissy sheets and washing them - you should have let him lie in it and then get up and wash them. You’re not his mum and he’s more than capable of washing his own sheets.

I don’t know if you were joking if not but please don’t tell his mum. It’s weird everyone is treating him like a child.

@WonderfulYou God forbid Op expresses some emotion and breaks out of robot martyr mummy mode. I think the kids will be able to fathom that their father pissing the bed is a completely different kettle of fish to them doing it

@Chilledchablis1

Northernparent68

Exutant
Actually I see them as MY SHEETS.
Why should I not fucking clean them if they are dirty.

Grr, almost derailed thread by the focus being on this.
“There you are then, you think they are your sheets and not a joint possession. Then you act like a martyr.”

Martyr? Crikey that’s unfair ?
OP I don’t understand why people are criticising you - it wasn’t you who pissed the bed ! I always have a wry smile when posters say things like - make him wash the sheets ,make him give you money etc etc .how do you MAKE a grown man wash sheets ? My DSD’s husband has wet the bed ( and worse ) but refuses to wash them as she is a SAHM so what is she supposed to do ??

Leave.

God forbid Op expresses some emotion and breaks out of robot martyr mummy mode. I think the kids will be able to fathom that their father pissing the bed is a completely different kettle of fish to them doing it

Quite.

And a drunk man pussing the sheets is hardly the same as a friend with a weak bladder condition. She's not shaming someone with a health condition, she's disgusted by an adult who can't control himself and refuses to clean up after himself.

@Lime37

How old are the children?? At 52 I think they are probably a bit old to be calling him daddy

What a daft comment! Maybe there's an significant age gap between op and her husband and he was in his late 40's when they had their children. I know someone who was in his fifties when their first child was born. My partner will be mid fifties I'm able to fall Pregnant and carry to term.

I am an alcoholic in recovery and never wet the bed but hear of plenty people that did. My brother (and also my dad) used to pee in wardrobes, on a bed, on a cabinet full of glasses etc when they had had way too much and I hated it (I didn't know about my dad until my mum told me way down the line but it made me see him differently that she had had to deal with that while she was heavily pregnant and dealing with her own dad dying) I think your husbands attitude to you is unacceptable and you are describing one very unacceptable incident in an overall pattern of his behaviour. I am sorry you are going through this. I also would have cleaned it up and in an angry way - damage limitation and being human and upset and reacting to something horrible and trying to keep things sanitary for myself and my kids. I think I would be separating as well. It's easy to say on an Internet forum but when you look at the practicalities it is very overwhelming when it is your actual life. I'd recommend al anon for coping strategies and having people who understand. Sorry you have this to deal with. It must be horrible. I have walked away from a marriage and a big house with the nice cars and it was hard at the time but I am so happy now. There were months of Just doing the next right thing and feeling overwhelmed but when I was in my little house with my kids and only had them to deal with and there was love and respect everywhere it was soooo worth it.

Not normal. And he needs to clean up his own mess!!! I would let him get on with it, he needs to clean it all up, redo the bed etc.
And no way does he come into your bed covered in urine!!