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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by dd’s behaviour

449 replies

Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 18:18

I’ve posted in teenagers but got no replies and I’m feeling a bit upset. This is my problem I think, not dd’s. I just wish I could handle it better. Dd is 15 and autistic. She struggles with social situations and takes a particular dislike to certain people, such as my MIL (DH is dd’s stepdad). MIL was visiting her grandchildren (DH’s two dc) at ours and she had also baked a cake for dd’s birthday.

Dd had just come back from her boyfriend’s house and I asked her if she could say thank you to MIL. Dd didn’t want to, but then she came in, cut a chunk out of the cake, said it was disgusting and told me to fuck off. I’m mortified by her behaviour, but at the same time I know that she will have pressured herself to come in and be sociable, found it too much and lost control.

She finds MIL irritating because she talks a lot and so the issue with the cake will have been about control for Dd.

She’s now shut herself up in her room and has texted me, apologising for not being a good daughter.

I wish I had a better handle on things. She’s autistic, not bad - and I know I shouldn’t worry about how she appears to others. I just wish others could see the kind, funny girl that I can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 18:26

Just bumping this.
I don’t know how best to handle this really. I tend to just let Dd calm down and I use more gentle parenting strategies with her and natural consequences.
She’s obviously distressed when she lashes out like this, but I’m upset for poor MIL who has gone to the effort to bake a cake.
I feel like a rubbish mum.

OP posts:
LightfoldEngines · 23/02/2022 18:28

You’re not unreasonable to be upset, but you do seem to understand that DD can’t really help it, which is a good thing.

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 18:29

She can’t help it. I do find myself worrying about what other people will think, which I know shouldn’t be a concern.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 23/02/2022 18:39

I think perhaps you should post in SN parents. I think there is a certain amount of self control you can expect from autistic children so I wouldn't say 'she can't help it'. It's good she sees her behavior wasn't good but doesn't she have strategies if she's feeling overwhelmed eg. Walking out of the room without opening her mouth.

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 18:41

She does, but she really struggles to control her emotions. She’s newly diagnosed and she is having therapy to help her. Sometimes she can manage to use strategies that help and sometimes she can’t. She really doesn’t like MIL for some reason, which upsets me.

OP posts:
LightfoldEngines · 23/02/2022 18:42

@MerryMarigold

I think perhaps you should post in SN parents. I think there is a certain amount of self control you can expect from autistic children so I wouldn't say 'she can't help it'. It's good she sees her behavior wasn't good but doesn't she have strategies if she's feeling overwhelmed eg. Walking out of the room without opening her mouth.
You do realise that impulse control isn’t that simple in ND people, right?
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 18:43

Yes, Dd isn’t great at impulse control. Particularly when she’s overstimulated or tired.

OP posts:
LightfoldEngines · 23/02/2022 18:44

Come over to Neurodiverse MNetters OP, we’re friendly and actually Get It,

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 18:44

In her fixed thinking, MIL isn’t family and so she doesn’t like her visiting and being in our space.

OP posts:
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 18:44

Thank you - I will Smile

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Ttcfinalbub · 23/02/2022 18:45

Unfortunately often with the asd comes a lack of social filter ! I'm surprised I've not been knocked out because of my dd's lack of social filter and blatant honesty plus the hormones. I would explain best you can to mil and just continue to support your daughter to build up her appropriate behaviour and reactions. How is your dp with her in general and regarding the issue with mil ?

MerryMarigold · 23/02/2022 18:46

Well, ASD is a spectrum and it sounds like this child is quite high functioning. I'm not saying it's easy but I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation to be polite to someone who baked you a cake. I doubt she would speak to a teacher like this even if she wanted to, as she would consider it important enough to manage that impulse. If she would be that rude generally then maybe she can't control it, but if it's especially for MIL then...

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 18:48

She’s high functioning in some ways (though I know the term high functioning isn’t really used for a number of reasons). But her IQ is 80 and her cognitive processing speeds are in the bottom 1%. In addition to being autistic. She also has associated mental health difficulties.

OP posts:
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 18:48

She absolutely would speak to a teacher like that. She can’t often attend school.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 23/02/2022 18:49

I hope MIL understands that she lacks impulse control because she is ND, and doesn't get offended.

Being 15 is tough for NT kids, it must be doubly so for an autistic teen.

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 18:50

She takes against certain people.
DH is fine with her, but it has taken her some time to be ok with him. Though he’s still not ‘family’ as she thinks that’s only people related by blood.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 23/02/2022 18:50

@Atypicaldancer

She absolutely would speak to a teacher like that. She can’t often attend school.
Maybe you can explain that to MIL. I think it would help her to know she's not being singled out.
Ttcfinalbub · 23/02/2022 18:51

Is there such a place ?

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 18:52

Of course and I’ve apologised to MIL. But it’s exhausting sometimes. Her school attendance is 40% and she’s working well below expectations.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/02/2022 18:53

About the "family" label ask her if she married her boyfriend would he be "family".

Thanks

Sounds like it turned a nice visit into something upsetting for all of you Sad

LightfoldEngines · 23/02/2022 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

PonyPatter44 · 23/02/2022 18:55

How does she cope with her boyfriend, then? Presumably he isn't related by blood, but he's someone she likes and enjoys spending time with. Could you frame it to her in those terms - MIL isn't her 'blood', but she is still someone you all like and spend time with.

Where do you think shes picked up these ideas about family? Does she have contact with her biological dad?

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 18:56

He would be family to her but not me. Her thinking is fixed and won’t be changed. Yes, it did make it upsetting but she is autistic and it’s part of her disability I guess. She is having therapy to deal with her emotional regulation. It wasn’t a nice visit really - I find it stressful because I know Dd can’t cope with visitors.

OP posts:
LightfoldEngines · 23/02/2022 18:57

@PonyPatter44

How does she cope with her boyfriend, then? Presumably he isn't related by blood, but he's someone she likes and enjoys spending time with. Could you frame it to her in those terms - MIL isn't her 'blood', but she is still someone you all like and spend time with.

Where do you think shes picked up these ideas about family? Does she have contact with her biological dad?

I’m not a fan of forcing familial relationships in blended families anyway, but it’s even more distasteful to try and do this with a disabled child.
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 18:58

Her biological dad isn’t great - he’s in regular contact but his house is unsuitable for her to be able to stay over and he’s unreliable. I think she’s a bit jealous when MIL fusses over her grandchildren, DH’s children and she feels left out. Her autism means that she will sometimes have strange, fixed ideas about things like this.

OP posts: