To be upset by dd’s behaviour

[Atypicaldancer]

I’ve posted in teenagers but got no replies and I’m feeling a bit upset. This is my problem I think, not dd’s. I just wish I could handle it better. Dd is 15 and autistic. She struggles with social situations and takes a particular dislike to certain people, such as my MIL (DH is dd’s stepdad). MIL was visiting her grandchildren (DH’s two dc) at ours and she had also baked a cake for dd’s birthday.

Dd had just come back from her boyfriend’s house and I asked her if she could say thank you to MIL. Dd didn’t want to, but then she came in, cut a chunk out of the cake, said it was disgusting and told me to fuck off. I’m mortified by her behaviour, but at the same time I know that she will have pressured herself to come in and be sociable, found it too much and lost control.

She finds MIL irritating because she talks a lot and so the issue with the cake will have been about control for Dd.

She’s now shut herself up in her room and has texted me, apologising for not being a good daughter.

I wish I had a better handle on things. She’s autistic, not bad - and I know I shouldn’t worry about how she appears to others. I just wish others could see the kind, funny girl that I can.

You're excusing her behaviour, she was really rude.

I have a son aged 9 with severe autism.

You mustn’t feel bad. There is no perfect parenting when it comes to dc with autism, we’re all just winging our way through it! (I also have a NT dd aged 19 so the whole teen thing is horrendous even without the perils of autism too)!

If you’ve explained to MIL I would just draw a line under it and move on… I myself have autism and really used to hate my own mil. I once spent a whole weekend painting a bathroom I’d recently painted just so I didn’t have to sit with her. Something about her voice and how much she spoke just drove me up the wall (I’m divorced from her Ds now thank god so never have to see her again).

Maybe your dd just felt overwhelmed to come back and find someone she isn’t keen on in her safe space….

It sounds like she can’t control her impulse reaction well and that’s ok, many people with autism just can’t.

By saying she didn't want to come in and thank MIL, She was communicating her discomfort at that situation and trying to prevent what happened.....from happening. Why did she then come in? Was she pressed to come in? Did she feel the expectation to come in despite saying she didn't want to?
If so, next time ask her if there is a way she could please communicate thankfulness for the cake in a way that feels less overwhelming like sending a thank you card through the post or texting MIL once she's gone.
My daughter is also ASD and ADHD and we try to find ways of getting the best outcome for everyone but that is never when she feels put on the spot. Never when she feels pressure to try food that is unknown or new and especially never when forced to play nice with people that she feels " invade" her.
We are learning as we go here. It's hard isn't it?

Ok. Yes it was rude, but equally your usual 15 year old wouldn’t behave like that. Do you know anything about autism? She’s apologised over text.

I think she felt pressured to come in, even though I said she could stay in her room. My fault really. She has no friends, other than her boyfriend and really does find people difficult.

@Atypicaldancer

I think she felt pressured to come in, even though I said she could stay in her room. My fault really. She has no friends, other than her boyfriend and really does find people difficult.

The usual rules don't apply. Sometimes we will get it right and sometimes wrong. Sometimes I advocate too heavily for my daughter whilst neglecting the feelings of those around her and at other times I get embarrassed that she won't do what I want her to do socially and I put her in challenging situations unessasarily. What has helped is by just letting go how we think things should be done. She just doesn't see the world that way. I'm sure you're a great mum. No one knows until they have walked in your shoes. She will will be ok. Brush yourself down, tomorrow is a new day x

@Atypicaldancer

I think she felt pressured to come in, even though I said she could stay in her room. My fault really. She has no friends, other than her boyfriend and really does find people difficult.

Would some advance warning and prep have helped?

So while she was gone a message saying "x is here and she brought a cake for your birthday. When you get home you can go straight upstairs or come in and say hi and thank you and then go up."

Limited choices that you find acceptable , warning and clear ,simple instructions can sometimes work for situations like this. Of course it is exhausting, and some things you simply can't prevent or warn about in advance but it would probably help to limit occasions when she bursts out like this and then feels bad about it, at least at home.

@Atypicaldancer, 'I think she felt pressured to come in, even though I said she could stay in her room. My fault really. She has no friends, other than her boyfriend and really does find people difficult.'
Oh, that's so sad - for you and her. Have a chat to her at some point and tell her again that if she just wants to go to her room, that's ok and that people who love her will understand.
(And tell her she's a lovely daughter and you love her if you haven't already - but I suspect you have.)
I had a similar incident at the end of last year, when I had some family visitors. DC2 (undiagnosed but definitely on the ASD spectrum) made an attempt at being sociable, but one visitor took offence at the fact that my DC wasn't falling over themselves to make conversation. When I told my DC (young adult) about it, they told me that it was just as well I didn't say anything about it while the visitor was here as their reply would have been less than polite!
You and she are still navigating this together. You will both get there in time.

My only thought really is that if I were her mum I’d be wondering how to teach her to cope in these situations. What is sort of permissible as a 15 year old with a mum to advocate for her and explain her autism to others, won’t be acceptable once she is an adult. Or rather I should say it won’t be accepted by the vast majority of people who can’t see her disability.

I would be racking my brain to teach her how to behave, in order to spare her own misery when people turn around and tell her to f”&£k off for being so rude.

But I wouldn’t worry in this particular situation, I’m sure your MIL understood.

@LightfoldEngines I agree that the relationship shouldn’t be forced. She’s come round to DH because he’s been benign and unobstrusive for the past year, putting no pressure on her. I think she needs space from MIL and then maybe to see her on her own terms if she so chooses. @

@HeyMoana thank you for sharing your perspective, I will try to think of it that way.

@IdontWanna yes I think clear instructions and advance warning would help.

I just feel embarrassed by Dd at times and that conflicts with my knowledge of what’s best for her.

@Holly60 she’s having therapy and I also suspect that she’s a few years behind her peers in terms of maturity. At 20, I imagine Dd will be quite different to how she presents now and will hopefully manage her impulses a little better.
@Sideswiped I have told her I still love her and I’m not ‘angy’ (we say that instead of angry and it makes us laugh when we are upset).

It doesn't feel positive right now, but you can take a positive from this - your daughter knows how to set personal boundaries. There are times when these don't feel appropriate to others, but they are hers and others shouldn't push them. That's a lesson many of us could do with learning.

It comes across that you have a great relationship. She trusts you, and she feels safe with you. Focus on that, not meeting NT expectations of 'normal'.

Hello my dear OP and OPs daughter,
I am so sorry you have felt upset. I think i am similar to your daughter i am neurodiverse and so is my partner. My partner in particular can be sort of blunt out loud if that makes sense. It is difficult when neurodiverse. My heart broke a bit reading ur daughter said sorry for not being a good daughter. It is very hard to maintain control sometimes when overwhelmed. Also maybe thr cake was disgusting hahaha. A bright side to focus on: Ur daughter is in her room wishing not to upset you and you are wishing not to upset/preaaure her you both have a lot of love for each other that is ace. Take a breathe, have a brew, have a hug. Sorry if this post was not helpful but i had to show solidarity and also wanted to sincerely wish you well my dears xxx

I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say you sound like an absolute brilliant mother and your DD is lucky to have you

Thank you so much for the supportive posts. I sometimes do wonder what lies ahead for her future, but she will always have me.

I would be racking my brain to teach her how to behave, in order to spare her own misery when people turn around and tell her to f”&£k off for being so rude.

I wasn't diagnosed until well into adulthood and I remember my mum saying (repeatedly, throughout my tweens and teens), "one day you'll talk like that to the wrong person and you'll get a punch in the mouth - and you'll deserve it". I wish I had been diagnosed so much earlier in life so I could have had proper guidance and support rather than just being told I'm rude.

OP, advance warning is absolutely key here. I struggle with transitions and even more so with things being sprung on me. I remember making plans with a friend in secondary school and when I arrived at her house, her older brother had popped in for a cup of tea with his mum. I went home because I couldn't cope with the change in dynamic even now I can't bear my plans or expectations being disrupted and I need advance warning. It can be as small as DH asking me to pull over on the way home so he can get something from the shop. In my mind, we are finished shopping and going home, so even making a stop on the way throws me.

I know your DD was rude, that's undeniable and you've admitted it, but when something unexpected is sprung on me, I become completely overwhelmed, close to meltdown and I can really lash out unless I can immediately leave and lie in my bed. I can 100% see why she reacted that way when being pushed into it.

[quote Atypicaldancer]@LightfoldEngines I agree that the relationship shouldn’t be forced. She’s come round to DH because he’s been benign and unobstrusive for the past year, putting no pressure on her. I think she needs space from MIL and then maybe to see her on her own terms if she so chooses. @

@HeyMoana thank you for sharing your perspective, I will try to think of it that way.

@IdontWanna yes I think clear instructions and advance warning would help.

I just feel embarrassed by Dd at times and that conflicts with my knowledge of what’s best for her.[/quote]
It's normal to feel like that. Society has a very rigid black and white view as to what's appropriate,polite,kind etc. and deviations are frowned upon regardless of the reason. Historically people have been shunned or locked away so it doesn't upset public sensibilities, including for physical attributes.

You know your daughter best. You know what she can help and what not. What behaviours stem from her needs and when she's being a teenage butt. It's a fine balance but it sounds like you're getting it right and not just that but your daughter knows it too. Hence apologising for the behaviour even if she couldn't help it.

Just remind her that her meltdowns don't define her. She might make the wrong choices sometimes or react because she's overwhelmed, but no one is perfect. As long as she keeps trying she's doing great and there's always a next time. Remind her of times when you messed up and the world didn't end,it doesn't make you a bad person or mum. Make it relatable. She's not alone .

We are all learning with our kids and we get it wrong. We mess up in the moment and look back see where we got it wrong.
Reading your post you asked her to be polite to mil to thank her but as therapist explained to me you made a demand on her she couldn't cope with.

We found pre agreed house rules useful - ones we created together.

If she is able to talk about what happened without melting down it might be useful. Esp if she can identify how she felt and work out what could have been done differently. We have younger kids but did lots of role play to manage situations and developed signals for I'm not ok and a plan of what they do when no feeling ok.

My son is 15 & Autistic also, I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes it is just not that simple. Dealing with the difficulties on an ongoing basis trying to balance the expectations of everyone around you & what they feel is expected of them, you feel like you are walking a tightrope with very little support.
My son won’t even speak to his own grandparents (very rarely) as he has been hurt by some of their behaviours in the past

@MerryMarigold

I think perhaps you should post in SN parents. I think there is a certain amount of self control you can expect from autistic children so I wouldn't say 'she can't help it'. It's good she sees her behavior wasn't good but doesn't she have strategies if she's feeling overwhelmed eg. Walking out of the room without opening her mouth.

Absolute rubbish!

@user1493494961

You're excusing her behaviour, she was really rude.

You don't have a clue about Autism, do you?

@UggyPow

My son is 15 & Autistic also, I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes it is just not that simple. Dealing with the difficulties on an ongoing basis trying to balance the expectations of everyone around you & what they feel is expected of them, you feel like you are walking a tightrope with very little support. My son won’t even speak to his own grandparents (very rarely) as he has been hurt by some of their behaviours in the past

Yes, exactly and usually sensory difficulties thrown into the mix. It is extremely difficult. And then you get called rude by people who have no understanding. I can understand why the Autistic community have issues with some NT's

How irritating can she have found mil if she hasn't seen her? She'd just come back from her boyfriend's!

And how does she behave at her boyfriend's house? Does she tell his parents to fuck off too?

I don't know. Surely she should be able to control herself better at her age, ASD or not. Poor mil.

@whiteworldgettingwhiter she didn’t tell MIL to fuck off, she said that to me. She masks at her boyfriend’s house. This, for context, is a teen with an IQ of 80, extremely poor processing speeds, sensory issues and autism. She self harms when overwhelmed and masking drains her, so she can’t do it for too long. She can’t even go to school. She probably won’t get any GCSEs. Some days she doesn’t leave her room.
I’ve apologised to MIL. Dd has apologised to MIL. But this is not a NT child.