To be upset by dd’s behaviour

[Atypicaldancer]

I’ve posted in teenagers but got no replies and I’m feeling a bit upset. This is my problem I think, not dd’s. I just wish I could handle it better. Dd is 15 and autistic. She struggles with social situations and takes a particular dislike to certain people, such as my MIL (DH is dd’s stepdad). MIL was visiting her grandchildren (DH’s two dc) at ours and she had also baked a cake for dd’s birthday.

Dd had just come back from her boyfriend’s house and I asked her if she could say thank you to MIL. Dd didn’t want to, but then she came in, cut a chunk out of the cake, said it was disgusting and told me to fuck off. I’m mortified by her behaviour, but at the same time I know that she will have pressured herself to come in and be sociable, found it too much and lost control.

She finds MIL irritating because she talks a lot and so the issue with the cake will have been about control for Dd.

She’s now shut herself up in her room and has texted me, apologising for not being a good daughter.

I wish I had a better handle on things. She’s autistic, not bad - and I know I shouldn’t worry about how she appears to others. I just wish others could see the kind, funny girl that I can.

I can't give exact advice on your current situation, as my dd (asd) is only 3. However I will say having suspected for the last year and a half (diagnosed December) ive essentially known that her quirks are ND for over half her life.
It's so so hard, but you have to taper expectations. Trying to fit her into what society conceives as normal and appropriate, just won't work.
I imagine she felt pressured, and a wall went up. Birthdays and social occasions can be so overwhelming to people on the spectrum, to then expect them to essentially mask their behaviours and feelings is just going to cause a meltdown. That's what your daughter did. She didn't have the time to process what she was saying, because she was probably overwhelmed. As she apologies after, it's pretty obvious to me that once she thought about it, she knew what she'd done. I get that MIL is important to you, but if your DD isn't comfortable around her for whatever reason, you need to respect that.
You sound really understanding, and please don't ever worry about what people think. You need to grow a though skin, and just help manage peoples expectations of dd.

Any you sound like a loving caring Mum. You have your DDs back.
Not all kids have this from their parents - even NT children

@callmebymyname1

How can she mask at her boyfriend’s house but be exceptionally rude to your MIL?

Her home is her safe space, it's a place where she doesn't have to mask. To expect a child to mask in their own space would open up a whole other world of problems. Somebody came into her safe space that she isn't comfortable with, and that's a very scary and overwhelming thing. Masking isn't an intentional behaviour, and often times people with asd don't realise they're doing it. It's why girls (especially) aren't diagnosed often until they're late teens/early adulthood.

I honestly don't know what you do, but I can tell you it's pretty shot being the recipient of this behaviour.

At one point my DS became the target of a child with autism's fixation at a sporting club. My son was his "no 1 enemy" etc, (publicly stated) and he was constantly saying really horrid stuff to him.

The parents overheard me talking about it with a friend because I was at my wits end with it, as DS was close to dropping out. They came and spoke to me about it - I offered to do whatever it took to get them on an even keel, even to try to get them together out of the club to see if he could replace those feelings with something better. In the end they had to pull him out of the club and I never saw them again.

@ClaryFairchild I’m sorry that happened. Dd isn’t quite like that with MIL - this is the first time she’s done this. She prefers to avoid her. She can get obsessive around people, but thankfully she seems more avoidant than nasty.

I’m not responsible for the behaviours of other autistic children- I can only focus on Dd.

I am astonished by the truly ignorant posters on this thread. Anyone with half an ounce of compassion could have taken the time that they've used to post on this thread in a negative way, and use it to educate themselves instead. But no, coming on here and spouting their beliefs, which they are dressing up as fact, is apparently easier.
I've raised two ND children. One of them still struggles massively due to their desire to fit in.
The other quite happily embraces their differences and has learnt not to care what others (who are not important to them) think about them.
@Atypicaldancer, keep plugging away at it. As I said earlier, you and DD will get there.
If MIL chooses to be offended rather than try to understand, you can do no more there. Maybe one day she will learn to understand, but it's not your job to educate her. (Just an anecdote that might help you realise where I'm coming from. DC2 has a severe sensory impairment and is registered blind. My DM couldn't accept it and kept saying they might grow out of it. It was enormously upsetting for me. One day, DM got shampoo in her eyes in the shower, and then told me she understood, because she had an inkling of what my DC was experiencing. I was still upset, but DM realised that making the same kind of comments was vastly unfair.)
I don't know how open your DD is to having a hug (my dc are very varied in how they respond to touch), but if she isn't able to give you one, I'm sending it instead.

@Atypicaldancer

I’m not sure Dd will make a card with an apology. In her mind she’s apologised. She would refuse, I think.

Don't make her apologise again , but see if there's an opportunity in the near future to extend an olive branch/acknowledgement of MIL/a nice gesture.

Once she's calm maybe have a chat with her and explain that MIL IS making an effort. It might not be the right effort, or well received or at the opportune moment but she is trying. While DD doesn't have to jump for joy or show eternal(or any ) gratitude, she has to acknowledge that and understand that what she sees as an aggression/interference with her safe space is a woman that doesn't know or understand much about her needs trying to make an effort. If DD could do the same in her own way (not necessarily the NT/expected/socially approved way ) that would be great, both for now and in the future.

Also ask her if it would be easier to say thank you for the effort (e ven by text or through you if not face to face) would be easier and a more honest way. Then it's not about the cake, or an invitation, or whatever else that's actually more likely to set her off than inspire gratitude. Just an acknowledgment that the other person is trying. Just like she is.

Crap that was probably way too wordy and abstract for you lr DD, possibly even you give how much you're dealing with. Just pick anything that you think your daughter might respond to. Sorry.

@Sideswiped thank you - that helps. I guess unfortunately I’ll encounter ignorance in wider society too.

I’m not sure if people are aware that part of the diagnostic process for autism is that the young person is experiencing significant difficulties in a number of areas and as such, it’s not something they can control.

Or that all autistic people are different, as different from each other as neurotypical people are. If one autistic person has been horrible to your child - that has nothing to do with my Dd not liking my MIL…

I hope MIL can understand and I really do feel terrible.

Dd won’t always let me hug her (though I’m the only one who is allowed) but she came into my bed and I stroked her head earlier.

Thank you @IdontWanna - I will try to find another opportunity to get Dd to thank MIL in her own way. I think I’ll keep our house as a safe space for a bit. Makes things less stressful for me too.

@RedHelenB I think it’s ok to say I am bu - it’s your opinion. But to say I’m embarrassing myself is untrue and quite mean. Ironic really, as it’s not particularly good manners on your part.

@RedHelenB

People with autism can learn manners. Yabu and embarrassing yourself.

I know little about autism but I don’t think OP’s dd is behaving like this because she has bad manners. I assume being nd and a teenager makes for a rough road for the dd.

Dd has been hospitalised three times for mental health issues. She cannot cope with too many demands. Manners are in fact very difficult to learn in some circumstances.

Op when you explain situations to your dd try be as clear and factual as possible. You were rude is no good. Its too abstract. It will be further complicating and confusing your dd. Say "you must not tell me to fuck off when you are stressed/overwhelmed". That's it. No concepts and no talk about social rules.

Your dd will have a 'normal' life. It will just be her normal. She will find her way and find her people, just not yet.

Being a ND teenager is utterly terrifying. The world seems so confusing and you feel like an alien from space plonked here with everyone around you speaking a language you cannot understand. You feel hated and different even if told otherwise.

I feel like its probably not best to have visitors in your home for a while and if you do you need to prepare ddbin advance and allow her space.

Blended families will be so abstract for dd its like watching a real life soap you are not part of. Yet you are slap bang in the middle and expected to muddle along on top of everything else your dealing with. But your dd will eventually muddle along just fine with the rest of you. Not today, not tomorrow but one day. It takes time to accept yourself enough to accept everyone else. Your dd won't have the maturity just yet.

There are things you can do to adapt your world for your dd and it sounds like you are doing so already.

You sound like a lovely mum. Stick with it. Your dd needs you even if she behaves otherwise.

As a side note, I'd be ok with people in my home and I'm happy in spontaneous social situations and I think I'm pretty funny and people do like spending time with me. My dd is also very popular and funny. We do still find it exhausting and hard to maintain friendships and to socialise too often or for too long. Just pointing that out as ND/autusm is so different for every person, so you need to really know your autistic loved one. Your dd may or may not ever be that way one day, but she will be her and thats enough.

@RedHelenB, on the contrary, you have embarrassed yourself by your complete ignorance of what autism entails. DFOD.

@Atypicaldancer

Dd has been hospitalised three times for mental health issues. She cannot cope with too many demands. Manners are in fact very difficult to learn in some circumstances.

Don't diminish your and your DD's accomplishments,progress and effort to try to educate the ignorant.

The fact is your DD showed manners. She came in, she tried the cake, she apologised to you and MIL. Those are attempts at being polite and actual manners.

She just also had a meltdown in the middle of it all.

I work with a kid that would've said thank you for the cake, can I have some please and then throw it at my head or on the floor or in the bin and tell me he wishes I was dead. Then apologise and want to do something together and tell me I'm ok. Am I going to focus on the cake thrown(or chair) or the positive behaviours,the attempts to manage socially and the fact that he's there and making an effort however that looks like when he's struggling so much?

@Atypicaldancer, you don't have to thank me. I'm just someone who understands where you are.
How lovely that even though your DD isn't a natural hugger, she came to you for some physical comfort. That's a golden moment.
My key message to you is that you can only have an influence on what goes on in your immediate family.
Ultimately, you may have to let the rest of your wider family and society educate themselves - you don't need to be obliged to do it. But, IME, people are becoming more understanding- the younger generations particularly so.
You already have a heavier load than many people carry (I know you don't view it like that), so please don't burden yourself with anything else.

Should I be stopping Dd having a boyfriend?

I don’t think you should stop her having a boyfriend but being autistic does make her slightly more vulnerable.

I know you can’t stop teens from having sex and I think it’s a great thing you put her on contraception but I don’t think it’s healthy for any 15 year old to spend most of their time in their boyfriends bedroom having sex.

I personally would say it’s fine to be in their bedrooms but the door needs to be open. Obviously now she’s turning 16 she can legally have sex but it’s still your house so you can make the rules.
I worry what would happen if she got pregnant his she would cope with a termination. It’s just an extra thing she doesn’t need.

Honestly I work with teens with SEND and I would flag this up if I heard a 15 year old spent most of her time in her boyfriends bedroom.

Autistic people can absolutely have manners and follow rules but like all of us and especially at 15 she’s going to have times when she’s rude and gets emotional.
As long as she knows it’s wrong and she apologises afterwards which she has then it’s completely normal and it will get easier as she gets older.

It must be so difficult for you having a MIL who just doesn’t get it.
Maybe next time MIL comes over it would be better for DD to come home and relax for an hour or 2 before she has to deal with MIL. It might be worse but it’s worth a try.

Does she have any contact with her grandmother on her dads side?

She doesn’t spend most of her time in her boyfriend’s room. He comes over sometimes and she goes over to his. I will keep an eye on things though.

@MerryMarigold

I think perhaps you should post in SN parents. I think there is a certain amount of self control you can expect from autistic children so I wouldn't say 'she can't help it'. It's good she sees her behavior wasn't good but doesn't she have strategies if she's feeling overwhelmed eg. Walking out of the room without opening her mouth.

Said no nd person ever

Her grandmother on her dad’s side died last year and my mum is quite self absorbed and not that involved.

The pill is extremely effective if taken properly and I watch her take it with her anti depressants each evening.

I think you need to stop trying to make her do “normal” polite things with people she is clear she doesn’t like. I have ASD and some things feel impossible that other people see as normal. Pushing myself to do the impossible things is very difficult and sometimes causes melt downs or filter failures. Having other people push me is guaranteed to cause my filter to fail. She didn’t ask for a cake so I can see why she would not see the need to thank your MIL for it. Next time just let her go straight to her room without making polite small talk (I HATE small talk.. it’s physically painful). She can’t be normal with your MIL so just let her be absent, less painful all round.