To be upset by dd’s behaviour

[Atypicaldancer]

I’ve posted in teenagers but got no replies and I’m feeling a bit upset. This is my problem I think, not dd’s. I just wish I could handle it better. Dd is 15 and autistic. She struggles with social situations and takes a particular dislike to certain people, such as my MIL (DH is dd’s stepdad). MIL was visiting her grandchildren (DH’s two dc) at ours and she had also baked a cake for dd’s birthday.

Dd had just come back from her boyfriend’s house and I asked her if she could say thank you to MIL. Dd didn’t want to, but then she came in, cut a chunk out of the cake, said it was disgusting and told me to fuck off. I’m mortified by her behaviour, but at the same time I know that she will have pressured herself to come in and be sociable, found it too much and lost control.

She finds MIL irritating because she talks a lot and so the issue with the cake will have been about control for Dd.

She’s now shut herself up in her room and has texted me, apologising for not being a good daughter.

I wish I had a better handle on things. She’s autistic, not bad - and I know I shouldn’t worry about how she appears to others. I just wish others could see the kind, funny girl that I can.

DD is ‘high functioning’ enough to have a boyfriend and visit him independently but cannot be polite enough to someone who’s spent time making her cake? Something doesn’t add up here, I’m afraid.

She texted you. Are you going to speak to her about an apology to MIL?

Could she be jealous about MIL not being her bio grandma?

Sounds like she’s showing only you and perhaps, her bf, her “fun side”. She’s 15. If you need support, try and access it so she can develop her social skills ( assuming that’s what she needs).
Some autistic people can just be mean, same as NT people. Not everything is down to being autistic.

I understand everyone is an individual but I know for certain, I would not accept this from mine and no one in my friendship group of parents of autistic children would accept this either.
She’s still young enough to be supported to do better. It’s very hard trying to nurture them in these areas but there are some limits they are not acceptable, I’m afraid.

Your poor MIL.

With my autistic dc I tend to look at managing his environment. So if there's something I know he can't manage I don't make him do it regardless of how it looks. If it's something he can do but it's a struggle I'll look at ways to support him ie only participate for a short space of time or be there but have ear defenders in. I keep an eye on him and if he's starting to struggle we leave. This makes dc feel safer and more willing to challenge himself because he's know if it's too much that's ok.

If she's apologised I wouldn't make her do it again

@SaySomethingMan

DD is ‘high functioning’ enough to have a boyfriend and visit him independently but cannot be polite enough to someone who’s spent time making her cake? Something doesn’t add up here, I’m afraid.

She texted you. Are you going to speak to her about an apology to MIL?

Could she be jealous about MIL not being her bio grandma?

Sounds like she’s showing only you and perhaps, her bf, her “fun side”. She’s 15. If you need support, try and access it so she can develop her social skills ( assuming that’s what she needs).
Some autistic people can just be mean, same as NT people. Not everything is down to being autistic.

I understand everyone is an individual but I know for certain, I would not accept this from mine and no one in my friendship group of parents of autistic children would accept this either.
She’s still young enough to be supported to do better. It’s very hard trying to nurture them in these areas but there are some limits they are not acceptable, I’m afraid.

Your poor MIL.

Yet another post from an NT person with no fucking clue what Autism is.

@SaySomethingMan the term ‘high functioning’ isn’t a great descriptor really. Dd has significant difficulties in a number of areas. Just because she is able to have a boyfriend does not mean she does not have difficulties. She cannot attend lessons; she has no friends; she struggles with sleep; she self harms; she is working well below academic expectations; she can’t describe an emotion she’s feeling or process what someone is saying if they are talking too fast. Having a boyfriend doesn’t mean she can always control her impulses - there is no correlation at all between those things.

I’m high functioning enough to have a career and an ex husband and a mortgage but there are some things I cannot do / can only sometimes do. People in my house make my eyeballs itch but I’ve learned over the last 40 years how to not swear at them but I still end up appearing rude, aloof, cold and a bit of a bitch. Very few people get an invite in and even the ones I invite are a painful intrusion. ASD isn’t linear, just because you can do A or B doesn’t mean C is a possibility.

And her ‘fun side.’ Ha ha ha. I can tell you - ‘fun’ is not a word I would use to describe the last couple of years with Dd.

Also she has already apologised to MIL.

[quote Sideswiped]@RedHelenB, on the contrary, you have embarrassed yourself by your complete ignorance of what autism entails. DFOD.[/quote]
Not so at all.

@XmasElf10 yup! Ex husband, STEM student getting Firsts for every assignment and exam, single parent of 3, doesn’t meant I’m not Autistic, doesn’t mean I don’t struggle.

It’s hurtful when people say how they wouldn’t accept it from their own - what on earth am I meant to do?! Dd has taken an overdose rather than go to school before! She absolutely will not respond to me using normal sanctions. And I’m getting tons of support - a psychiatrist, a psychotherapist, a team who conducted the autism assessment. We are working on social skills. It’s a slow process.

It’s helpful to know the level of ignorance out there, tbh. I will have to face this in the real world too.

@Atypicaldancer

It’s hurtful when people say how they wouldn’t accept it from their own - what on earth am I meant to do?! Dd has taken an overdose rather than go to school before! She absolutely will not respond to me using normal sanctions. And I’m getting tons of support - a psychiatrist, a psychotherapist, a team who conducted the autism assessment. We are working on social skills. It’s a slow process.

Ignore the stupid people, don’t feed them. My middle is Autistic with serious MH issues (she’s 11) and it’s a terrifying and tricky combination. Just keeping them alive is all we can hope for most days.

@LightfoldEngines thank you and I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had similar struggles. Dd needs to learn to regulate her emotions. The psychologist said she doesn’t recognise what her emotions are and so they feel terrifying for her and out of control. It’s why her reactions can be disproportionate. If not everyone on this thread can understand it, I’m not sure MIL will ever quite get it. It’s hard.

Emotional dysregulation is a huge thing.

I’ve had 15 years of therapy on and off, all types - nothing helps. Truth is that all therapy is aimed at the NT brain and not at the ND brain. We just don’t have the ability to reroute our thoughts etc.

Have you looked into ADHD as well? I was diagnosed with that shortly after ASD.

@Atypicaldancer

What is the local authority doing to support you with her?;I find all too often councils will not want to help families of SN's children because their more concerned about their budgets than the children.

Do you have access to a support worker?;is she in a suitable educational placement for her?;is CAHMS supporting you or are they being typically useless?

Hi OP. I’m Autistic (diagnosed in my 30s) and am raising a DD who is younger than yours, I’m pretty certain she’s on the spectrum but not getting far with assessment yet.
It’s unfortunate that although AIBU has got you traffic but it’s not always the most supportive environment
I highly, highly recommend “The Explosive Child” by Ross Greene. Our DD was having a lot of meltdowns last year, all the small things became a battle and we were at our wits end. I read this book and then asked DH too as well. Essentially what it says is although meltdowns/ explosions seemingly come out of nowhere, actually when you unpick them, they are predictable. The author goes through things but basically he suggests picking out the most challenging problem and work from there. For our Dd that was bedtime/lack of sleep. It did take a lot of effort to turn it around but once it did, it has helped massively and other battle grounds have improved too now she sleeps better. She is not “fixed” but she is a calmer, happier child. It’s worth a read!
Has she tried melatonin for sleep? Now she is diagnosed they should be willing to prescribe it (assuming she is taking an SSRI rather than sedating antidepressant?),
I feel for you, there’s no easy fix. I do wonder if the book might help you to stop her from reaching boiling point at times though.

I am sending you a virtual hug,@Atypicaldancer. I've got a SN son who had severe MH issues at 14 with peak of puberty. I've had many mortifying situations with my son (now 21)
Some people will never get your viewpoint and they are very lucky to not be in position to do so

We’ve applied for an EHCP and waiting to hear. A support worker came to see us and decided we didn’t need an early help plan because I had already privately organised the psychiatrist, psychologist and autism assessment and was liaising with school, so they couldn’t do anything more. CAMHS saw her last year and then discharged her in the summer - much to the surprise of my private psychologist who said he had no idea why they would discharge her! They weren’t hugely helpful.

She’s been assessed for ADHD and didn’t meet the diagnostic threshold.

She is taking an SSRI - sertraline. We haven’t tried melatonin yet, though her sleep hygiene could be better.

I think you really need to stop making her spend time with MIL. It’s not fun for either of them and it seems like you are making MIL suffer through insults from DD as a payment for accessing her own grandchildren because you feel guilty and I just don’t know why.

You’ve defended DD’s behaviour through the entire thread so you obviously feel this is the best she can do. That sounds right. You are a mother and you know her best. But I don’t understand why if she hates MIL so much and they don’t enjoy spending time together you would be trying to take her to MIL’s house or put them together in anyway.

Let MIL spend time with her own grandchildren. This is silly. If DD doesn’t want a cake, ask her not to make one. FFS. You’re setting them both up to fail. She’s not even her grandmother.

I just wanted to say that if you need a support group beyond Mumsnet, I'm in a Facebook group called Gentle parenting for autistic children UK which is run by autistic admin and I've found it really helpful.

I’m not making her spend time with MIL and I know she’s not her grandmother. She wanted to go for Sunday lunch last week and then couldn’t cope when we got there and today MIL was in dd’s own home visiting the grandchildren. I have two other dc who like MIL as well.

I’m not making MIL suffer - Dd hasn’t done this before.

@Atypicaldancer

She does, but she really struggles to control her emotions. She’s newly diagnosed and she is having therapy to help her. Sometimes she can manage to use strategies that help and sometimes she can’t. She really doesn’t like MIL for some reason, which upsets me.

What gentle parenting techniques do you use?