To be upset by dd’s behaviour

[Atypicaldancer]

I’ve posted in teenagers but got no replies and I’m feeling a bit upset. This is my problem I think, not dd’s. I just wish I could handle it better. Dd is 15 and autistic. She struggles with social situations and takes a particular dislike to certain people, such as my MIL (DH is dd’s stepdad). MIL was visiting her grandchildren (DH’s two dc) at ours and she had also baked a cake for dd’s birthday.

Dd had just come back from her boyfriend’s house and I asked her if she could say thank you to MIL. Dd didn’t want to, but then she came in, cut a chunk out of the cake, said it was disgusting and told me to fuck off. I’m mortified by her behaviour, but at the same time I know that she will have pressured herself to come in and be sociable, found it too much and lost control.

She finds MIL irritating because she talks a lot and so the issue with the cake will have been about control for Dd.

She’s now shut herself up in her room and has texted me, apologising for not being a good daughter.

I wish I had a better handle on things. She’s autistic, not bad - and I know I shouldn’t worry about how she appears to others. I just wish others could see the kind, funny girl that I can.

It is so tricky with any teen, never mind those who are ND. Just one thing that struck me was you talked about gentle parenting and natural consequences and I wonder if non-gentle parenting might be better on occasion. I don’t mean shouting but if she is being “rude” or whatever giving a clear “go to your room now” type instruction. Discuss it before hand when calm but introducing the idea/agreement from her you will give her a direct instruction when she is feeling overwhelmed to allow her to leave a situation. She doesn’t need punishment at all obviously. I hope you navigate this tricky time without major incident or upset!

@callmebymyname1

It’s a genuine question and one that I’d ask her? If she manages it there, are there strategies she uses and can she apply them in other situations?

Here's an analogy to help you understand a bit, even though it's not exactly like for like.

You fractured your ankle and you're in a boot. It's still sore and swollen and there but kinda manageable at home resting and not moving much or with access to pain killers.

You go to work,slow ,sluggish, on your feet all day. You gotta keep moving and get it done though. You don't want to cry in front of others even if you desperately want to. Just hanging in there until you get home.
Your ankle is painful,throbbing and you're painfully aware of it. The pain shoots up your leg. You're getting a headache and your ears are kinda blocked. Your arms and hands are tingly. You're exhausted and frustrated at being so slow.Your other leg,knee and hip are sore and tired from the extra weight ,pressure and the lack of proper balance. 10 more minutes and you're at home, hold it in there,you nearly made it. It's the only thing that keep you going, the thought of finally getting a reprieve.You can lie down, rest both feet,catch your breath.
You walk through the door and a visitor stomps on your foot/slams the door on it by accident. Or something happened that needs dealing with right away delaying your rest. Or you find a house full of people when you just want to curl in a corner,rock yourself and cry.

How do you react?

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you, that really helps. DH says he’ll talk to his mum. It’s silly, but my instinct at the moment is just to avoid everyone - I feel like that’s the only way I can manage.

I know that feeling so very well - if you can just withdraw for a bit to let yourself recover and to focus on your daughter, I’d do that. I know sometimes the aftermath is almost harder to deal with than the incident itself, and I do sometimes just need to tuck myself away for a bit. You can’t pour from an empty cup, as the saying goes, so do take time to attend to your own needs.

Do you think there is any way for your home to be her protected space, with DH and the rest of you going to MIL's house?

If home is the only place she doesn't need to mask she was probably caught completely off guard and not prepared to filter herself.

I think it's fine to tell her she was rude, but nobody should dwell on it or punish her in any way. It's probably pretty difficult for her being part of a blended family with step siblings staying on a schedule. She might just be at the limit of her adjustments.

She will get there, she will find her place in life, it's just a longer journey for her.

@andysgirl22 your post brought tears to my eyes, that was so beautifully put and understanding❤️💐

You know what teenagers can be orrible on occasions...nurodiverse or not. You are not a bad Mum, honestly DH is older than me and he has a couple of friends we know, know very, very well with teenagers with no known SEN needs that we are aware of.....whoo can their behaviour be tough. There Mum's (and Dad's) are lovely good parents. But if they told me either of their DC's had done this I would in no way be surprised. The daughter of one can be particularly horrible, so much that it makes me as a confident adult feel uncomfortable....it is the age and alas like 99% of them they will soften eventually.

Your daughter will have all the raging hormones teens usually battle with an added layer of difficulty. Explain this to your DM and let her DD duck out of full on family things for a while. Give you and her (and anyone else) a bit of a break.

Actually OP it is her problem and not yours. None of it was your fault. Your dd was rude maybe because of autism/maybe not and shes said sorry. She knows shes doing something wrong. Your mil knows shes autistic and all you can do is talk to your dd about it. I dont think pandering to her and making the home a place no one can come in will do her any favours. She needs to get used to some social situations. When shes older she may have to live with people she doesnt like so she needs to learn how to do that. Id apologise to your mil and say your working on improving her behaviour and your really sorry. See what she says. You must say something you cant leave it all to your DH.

Sorry just read that you both did apologise and she swore at you not mil. Well its unfortunate but id just forget it.

@Mistyplanet I doubt Dd will ever have a ‘normal’ life as such in the future, depending on how she matures. I’m not making excuses at all, but I suspect she just won’t be able to cope with certain situations, ever.

I might duck out of family things for a bit too - I find it hard playing happy families at MIL’s over Sunday lunch with DH’s children and dd can’t manage being there. She did try to come this weekend actually but shut down and started panicking, so DH had to take her home. I might just hunker down for a bit and focus on dd.

What I find helpful is to give myself a time limit for hunkering down - so that might be for a weekend, or a week or until X point, that way I don’t get used to withdrawing - which can feel very safe. I’d also means friends or family know to give me a bit of space, until X. I can then use the time to get back on balance again.

Honestly you just have to grow a thick skin.
My.DS is still quite young. But he tells me to f off all the time. I'm sure other people think its terrible. But what they don't know is how far he has come and how hard everything is for him.
Your daughter will find the day very exhausting. You are her safe space. She is just taking her day out on you. Today it was the cake. Tomorrow it will be something else. Read 'the coke bottle effect'. What is difficult is that one day soon you won't be around all the time for her to 'decompress' on so she'll need to learn some strategies for that herself. My son is a lot younger and is lucky enough to have sensory integration therapy. He doesn't put much into practice at home unfortunately yet. She needs places and ways to decompress.
I'm ND myself. My tactic is to go for a drive in the car with my on repeat Spotify playlist. I just drive the longer way home.i also like to put on my PJs and slippers as soon as I get in, and if time have a bath. So we all have our regulating things.

Your MIL will need to get used to it. But it is difficult. My elderly parents struggle. Weve lost a lot of friends....

[quote Atypicaldancer]@Mistyplanet I doubt Dd will ever have a ‘normal’ life as such in the future, depending on how she matures. I’m not making excuses at all, but I suspect she just won’t be able to cope with certain situations, ever.[/quote]
Probably the main reason you get so upset. Events like this add to that doubt and worry which is massively weighing on your shoulders anyways.

@Atypicaldancer

She’s been with the boyfriend a year. He’s the same age. She’s 16 next month, she’s on contraception, which I make sure she takes and I know the boyfriend well. She has a low IQ but she’s Gillick competent.

I would also be very concerned about a boy who chose to be involved in this way.

@IdontWanna yes, definitely. I feel sad and broken today and I don’t think it’s just the cake.

@Atypicaldancer

In her fixed thinking, MIL isn’t family and so she doesn’t like her visiting and being in our space.

So wouldn't her boyfriend be the same? Was mil there when she said this?

@OnlyAFleshWound he’s very similar intellectually to Dd and is also on the pathway. ND people can have relationships too.

I'm autistic.

I'm in my 30s now and had lots of therapy, and feel as though I'm much better at coping with difficult situations now, but I imagine I might have behaved like this as a teen.

I remember my parents bringing me into social situations and asking me to politely say hello/thank you etc to people, and I used to feel uncontrollably furious by it. I didn't tend to be vocally rude, I think I was mostly silently angry, but I was still very angry.

From your DDs perspective, it was her birthday, someone she doesn't like/doesn't consider as family was in her home and had done something kind (in theory) for her, but she didn't want it, and didn't want to be put in a situation where she was forced to feel grateful for something that she didn't want, from someone she didn't want to see.

I remember feeling like this a lot, and finding it so hard to put etiquette/politeness above how I actually felt in that moment. It can make you feel even more weird/isolated, in that you're being told that your feelings are wrong.

I hated my birthday/attention/birthday cake/having to thank people for things I didn't like, it felt like I had to be fake (not myself) on a day that was my birthday, for the benefit of other people.

Of course now I can see that it was probably very sad for my parents - I didn't react to nice or kind things the way other kids did.

But at the time I remember being angry for being required to put on an act against my wishes for the sake of other people.

No - she says when you get married you become family to that person. Her boyfriend isn’t family but she’s comfortable with him.
No she said this to me afterwards. She’s all mixed up with the blended family situation.

@bbtatoes that’s almost exactly what Dd said to me. She didn’t want the cake and it’s not her birthday yet - mil came over today because DH’s children were here. Dd felt that it wasn’t really about her birthday and she doesn’t particularly like MIL or want her here.

Should I be stopping Dd having a boyfriend? She doesn’t come across as having a low IQ- we only found out in cognitive testing. They are the same age, met at school a year ago and he’s on the pathway for ASD too. He comes over a lot - she’s fine with him usually as she’s comfortable with him. She doesn’t have any friends really, but he makes her happy.

If she is contrite and regretful - which she seems to be from your description- then a card with an apology would be a nice gesture.
We all make mistakes, your DD has additional challenges. An apology, draw a line under it and continue onward.

I actually think I get what she's saying. To her there is no connection to mil so in her mind she is invading her space. You do need to work with her to explain to her that families come in different forms. How lovely is your mil to bake her a cake, she probably won't again. But maybe explain how dd saw the situation, she isn't doing it intentionally.

I’m not sure Dd will make a card with an apology. In her mind she’s apologised. She would refuse, I think.