To be upset by dd’s behaviour

[Atypicaldancer]

I’ve posted in teenagers but got no replies and I’m feeling a bit upset. This is my problem I think, not dd’s. I just wish I could handle it better. Dd is 15 and autistic. She struggles with social situations and takes a particular dislike to certain people, such as my MIL (DH is dd’s stepdad). MIL was visiting her grandchildren (DH’s two dc) at ours and she had also baked a cake for dd’s birthday.

Dd had just come back from her boyfriend’s house and I asked her if she could say thank you to MIL. Dd didn’t want to, but then she came in, cut a chunk out of the cake, said it was disgusting and told me to fuck off. I’m mortified by her behaviour, but at the same time I know that she will have pressured herself to come in and be sociable, found it too much and lost control.

She finds MIL irritating because she talks a lot and so the issue with the cake will have been about control for Dd.

She’s now shut herself up in her room and has texted me, apologising for not being a good daughter.

I wish I had a better handle on things. She’s autistic, not bad - and I know I shouldn’t worry about how she appears to others. I just wish others could see the kind, funny girl that I can.

@Snoozer11

I think you're making far too many excuses for her.

Helpful

I wonder if @Snoozer11 has read the whole thread. If so, I would welcome your insight and then maybe I can forget having to apply for an EHCP. Problem solved!

Yes I do need counselling. It’s just hard to find time to prioritise me with everything else going on.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay @nanbread

I’m fully aware that I do t have experience in this area, I’m just thinking about this from the OP and the rest of the family’s perspective. I mentioned upthread that the only experience I have is seeing a close friend with her ND son. He’s 14 and treats her like dirt. She seems terrified to impose more boundaries in case he reacts badly. The OP also seems afraid of what will happen if she says her DD can’t do as she wishes. I’m sure this is something she’s raising with the therapist and I hope they’re able to come up with sone strategies. The way my friend is treated by her child is awful to observe.

@Atypicaldancer

I wonder if *@Snoozer11* has read the whole thread. If so, I would welcome your insight and then maybe I can forget having to apply for an EHCP. Problem solved!

Yes I do need counselling. It’s just hard to find time to prioritise me with everything else going on.

You need to put your oxygen mask on first.

I know it's incredibly hard, but you have to try to look after yourself too. If not for your sake, then for your daughter's. If you're a ball of anxiety,worry,stress,frustration etc yourself at some point you will crack or drop a ball. Which will only add to those feelings. You're only human. A great mother, and you are working very hard,but still human.

You need to look after yourself so you can look after her.

Despite what some posters think, I'm really saying something similar to @ldontWanna. You have needs too, think about what you can tolerate- and I agree with speaking with a counsellor yourself.

Thank you all. I am currently writing the parental part of the EHCP and I am really hoping that she gets one. She hasn’t been to school again today or been out of her room to eat, though she has had a drink. She keeps a few chocolate snacks in her room so she may well have eaten them. I haven’t let her boyfriend come over while she’s not been going into school - but I do wonder if that’s the wrong thing to do🤔

@Atypicaldancer

Thank you all. I am currently writing the parental part of the EHCP and I am really hoping that she gets one. She hasn’t been to school again today or been out of her room to eat, though she has had a drink. She keeps a few chocolate snacks in her room so she may well have eaten them. I haven’t let her boyfriend come over while she’s not been going into school - but I do wonder if that’s the wrong thing to do🤔

Have you managed to get anything out of her? What's going on? What is she feeling?

School..fine. Staying in her room ..fine. If she's neglecting her basic needs like food(chocolate doesn't count) that's not fine. Are you sure she's fine in there? Could she have self harmed?

She hasn’t self harmed but she is anxious. She has a GP welfare check up tomorrow which she will go to as she likes our GP who is lovely. She sometimes uses food as a means of feeling in control- it can be very difficult. I usually find if I have a range of easy foods in the fridge that she can access, she will help herself. Sometimes at irregular times, like the middle of the night. I keep popping into her room. DH works from home as well so at least she isn’t alone during the day.

She won’t talk about her feelings most of the time. She struggles to communicate verbally.

@Atypicaldancer

She won’t talk about her feelings most of the time. She struggles to communicate verbally.

Is this normal for her? Was the incident with the cake enough to send her in a tailspin, or could there be more going on?

Sorry for so many questions, really wish I could help more.

Fingers crossed tomorrow goes well with the GP.

I think it’s school more than the cake. She can’t attend, even though she knows that she won’t see the boyfriend during the week if she doesn’t. She knows she is missing her education but she is unable to access it.

I’m going to show MIL the EHCP application. I think she may understand a bit more then (don’t worry I’m not putting them together again - it’s just for me really that I want her to understand). I’m almost crying writing it. Dd really does have extreme difficulty in so many areas.

It is normal that she can’t talk about her feelings. She will communicate In unhelpful ways usually- hence the cake thing.

@Atypicaldancer, 'I’m going to show MIL the EHCP application. I think she may understand a bit more then (don’t worry I’m not putting them together again - it’s just for me really that I want her to understand). I’m almost crying writing it.'
I used to feel like this when filling in DLA applications (and later helping them with PIP).
Yes, absolutely show it to MIL - maybe it will dawn in her then what DD, you and your whole family are going through.
As for filling in the forms, I used to howl when doing them for DC2 - because it's necessary to focus on all the negatives. Rightly so, to be fair, but it's a horrible and joyless experience. ((Hugs))

Hopefully the link will work as it's on FB but something I was forwarded that might resonate.

www.facebook.com/123708701041972/posts/2294103274002493/

That’s Dd. When she was little she would try to avoid demands by pretending to be a cat, or saying that her legs don’t work. Now she’ll say she feels ill.

I’ve completed the form. I think she’ll get an EHCP. I just want to ensure it’s fit for purpose.

@Atypicaldancer

I’ve completed the form. I think she’ll get an EHCP. I just want to ensure it’s fit for purpose.

Depending on the LA and evidence given by school this can take a bit of work but ultimately the law is clear on what she's entitled to. Do you have support from fe IPSEA? I've found that most helpful is to get thorough and all relevant assessments done, then you'll have enough evidence to base the plan on. And as someone on the SEN board here (very helpful) emphasised to me: make it all specific and quantified, who, when, where, how many hours etc etc

I haven’t had support from Ipsea but I work in a school so I’ve had some advice from the SENCO and she’s had a look through the parental section for me. I’ve researched online and got some advice on here, plus my friend has recently been through the process and ended up getting the local authority to look at a policy change in the future because she raised some issues. So I feel quite well supported there.

I haven’t quantified how many hours etc so that is really good advice - I will do that.

She has had cognitive processing scores (lowest 1%) fluid reasoning (lowest 3%) working memory (lowest 9%) IQ (lowest 9%). There are recommendations in the report I’ve already had done relating to that and her autism diagnosis.

The assessment she had done involved reports from 4 different professionals including clinical psychologist, SALT and Occupational therapist. She sees a psychiatrist who I’m sure could also write a report.
I do feel I’ve done the local authority’s job for them!

The LA is supposed to ensure the professional reports received are properly quantified and specified. The reality is it suits them if the wording is woolly (would benefit from/access to/regular etc).

At this stage it's just being clear what assessments need to be done (the LA has a statutory obligation to undertake any reasonable requests)

The Educational Psychologist report is generally the one that gets pit on lead vocals.

@Atypicaldancer there is no rhyme and reason with the LA. My ds1 had a very early diagnosis and regardless of Terrible problems in school was high achieving. He was turned down and we took them to court ehcp granted On court steps. He missed his special Ed place from primary to secondary and we had a awful 'teenage' Years. He was sectioned several times in secure units (of which there was six at the time 300 miles from home) BUT he came out of the other side and now has a degree :) he is still medicated but generally ok (he recognises when his mental health is on the decline)

Ds3 got into local grammar. Had diagnosis later and couldn't manage. I moved him to the school I taught at (mainstream secondary) and he became a school
Refuser. Ehcp granted first time and specialist school (that goes up to 19) maximum 2 in class for a levels. He is 18 in June.

Their experiences couldn't be more different.

It’s hard to know what they look for. DD’s boyfriend has just left and she’s now sobbing because she has no friends at all. She has lost all of the friends she once had, because she can’t maintain friendships. She’s gone to bed, upset. It’s awful to see. She really needs some help.

@Atypicaldancer

She won’t talk about her feelings most of the time. She struggles to communicate verbally.

Look up alexithymia