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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by dd’s behaviour

449 replies

Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 18:18

I’ve posted in teenagers but got no replies and I’m feeling a bit upset. This is my problem I think, not dd’s. I just wish I could handle it better. Dd is 15 and autistic. She struggles with social situations and takes a particular dislike to certain people, such as my MIL (DH is dd’s stepdad). MIL was visiting her grandchildren (DH’s two dc) at ours and she had also baked a cake for dd’s birthday.

Dd had just come back from her boyfriend’s house and I asked her if she could say thank you to MIL. Dd didn’t want to, but then she came in, cut a chunk out of the cake, said it was disgusting and told me to fuck off. I’m mortified by her behaviour, but at the same time I know that she will have pressured herself to come in and be sociable, found it too much and lost control.

She finds MIL irritating because she talks a lot and so the issue with the cake will have been about control for Dd.

She’s now shut herself up in her room and has texted me, apologising for not being a good daughter.

I wish I had a better handle on things. She’s autistic, not bad - and I know I shouldn’t worry about how she appears to others. I just wish others could see the kind, funny girl that I can.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 23/02/2022 20:36

She was rude and I don’t think ASD is an excuse for that, I do think you shouldn’t have forced her to say thank you to MIL, teenagers in general don’t like being told to say ‘thank you’ to someone, and for someone with ASD it makes them feel awkward. Both my teens have ASD (15 and 18), my 18 year old hates my step dad (so do I tbh) and it’s got to the point where I just keep them apart because dd gets too upset by him, I wouldn’t ever ask her to talk to him or say thank you to him because I know it would make her feel uncomfortable.

What she said to MIL was rude and she should apologise but I think you should say sorry for making her say thank you, at the age of 15 she can decide who she wants to say thank you too. Of course we would love our kids to be polite to everyone but it’s not always possible 😬.

cansu · 23/02/2022 20:37

I have children with ASD so I do understand about the challenges. Regardless of whether she meant it or not though, I don't think it would be unreasonable to tell her she was rude and that she is not allowed to do that. Maybe you can discuss with her what she can say / do next time she is unhappy that someone is in the house.
E.g. I need some time alone.
It is also OK to explain to people that she won't be coming to say hello and that she may just stay in her room.

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 20:38

She has apologised to MIL but MIL just said how disappointed she was.

OP posts:
HappyDays40 · 23/02/2022 20:38

Your daughter sounds like my friend's daughter she was in a "crisis mode" for months and appeared obnoxious and rude but genuinely she is funny, kind, excellent with my son and a general good egg. So hard for you all.

callmebymyname1 · 23/02/2022 20:40

How can she mask at her boyfriend’s house but be exceptionally rude to your MIL?

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 20:44

I don’t know @callmebymyname1 - maybe that’s why it’s called masking. What do you want me to say? If I punish her, she’ll become distressed and hurt herself. All I can do is continue with the therapy and support. I am mortified. Dd tends to just stay in her boyfriend’s room at his house. She has no friends at all. She can’t attend lessons. Do you think she’s putting it on or something?

OP posts:
callmebymyname1 · 23/02/2022 20:45

It’s a genuine question and one that I’d ask her? If she manages it there, are there strategies she uses and can she apply them in other situations?

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 20:46

I have told her she was rude and I’ve told her to try to make amends with MIL. She just says that she’s already apologised so she doesn’t want to say it again. She is quite fixed about things like that.

OP posts:
WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 23/02/2022 20:46

@callmebymyname1

How can she mask at her boyfriend’s house but be exceptionally rude to your MIL?
Masking is exhausting but easier to do when you're not at home or in your "comfort zone". Have you not heard about Autistic children who can mask all day at school and then coming home and have a meltdown? Thats because they feel safe at home.
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 20:47

Masking hurts her. She can manage it for small amounts of time, but too much and she’ll start cutting herself. It’s not a strategy I would advise her to use.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 23/02/2022 20:47

If she’s coming in and instantly telling you to fuck off etc it sounds as though she’s masking in front of her boyfriend.
Maybe look into this and make sure the relationship is making her happy.

I’ve been told to fuck off by kids with and without SEND and it’s great that she’s apologised as she’s more than capable of doing this after she’s calmed down however I think you’re blaming her outburst on her disability when actually I think there’s a deeper reason - either she’s struggling with the boyfriend or I think the impact of not having a proper dad or grandparent could be having a bigger impact than she’s letting on.

Jellycatspyjamas · 23/02/2022 20:47

Because her home is her safe space @callmebymyname1, so no need to mask - it’s very common in children with autism, trauma, learning difficulties to keep themselves in check in social settings. The effort needed to do that means they become overwhelmed once in a safe space and can’t regulate themselves, and so decompensate very quickly which can lead to lashing out verbally or physically. They really don’t have control and need to learn strategies to cope - which can take time.

OP I hope you’re having a calmer evening, my DD is younger but I know how it goes, it can be very hard on parents.

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 20:48

Yes home is her space. She feels safe here. MIL doesn’t understand, which makes me feel more isolated.

OP posts:
whiteworldgettingwhiter · 23/02/2022 20:49

@Atypicaldancer - sorry, sorry. I posted without reading all the posts so I didn't have all the info about your dd - sorry.

Mil probably won't understand about ASD. Lots of pople don't (including me, obvs). Is there any info about it you could show MIL? That might stop you worrying so much when MIL comes round.

Does dd have any counselling or support from an ASD organsiation? Could you ask them for tips or ideas for helping dd deal with social situations?

WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 23/02/2022 20:49

Sorry, that was awfully written. *Autistic children can mask all day at school and then go home and have a melt down because their home is their safe space. Hope that makes sense

6demandingchildren · 23/02/2022 20:50

As she had only just come home, understandably she lashed out verbally and went to her room, she was probably holding it in all the time she was out that is so much control and internal pressure for her, then to be met with more pressure no wonder she exploded a little.
Maybe get the mil a book or after her in the way of online support so she can understand better as it's not her fault either
My son dislikes my mum his grandmother as she asks too many questions, I inform her she has to let me know if she makes a surprise visit so I can make my son aware and her prepares himself for her weekly visit, she doesn't get it and my son understands this so keeps out of her way

WonderfulYou · 23/02/2022 20:51

But her IQ is 80 and her cognitive processing speeds are in the bottom 1%. In addition to being autistic. She also has associated mental health difficulties.

I would not be comfortable with my autistic 15 year old who has an IQ of 80 to spend long periods of time in a room with her boyfriend in his house.

PeacefulPrune · 23/02/2022 20:51

Have you read much on PDA?

If you're on Facebook I suggest you follow Kristy Forbes - Autism and ND Support and Joe James The Photographer

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 20:52

I don’t think MIL does understand. She used to say things like ‘she’s just a normal teenager’ when Dd was avoiding school, eating the same food repetitively and staying in her room for days at a time.

Dd is having therapy from a psychotherapist and she sees a psychiatrist for medication for associated mental health issues.

It’s just too hard dealing with Dd without having to navigate other people’s feelings as well. MIL is justifiably upset, but I just can’t deal with anything else. I just can’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 20:53

She’s been with the boyfriend a year. He’s the same age. She’s 16 next month, she’s on contraception, which I make sure she takes and I know the boyfriend well. She has a low IQ but she’s Gillick competent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 20:54

I think she does fit the PDA profile.

OP posts:
Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 20:54

In fact she’s 16 this week hence the cake 😂

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 23/02/2022 20:58

It’s just too hard dealing with Dd without having to navigate other people’s feelings as well. MIL is justifiably upset, but I just can’t deal with anything else. I just can’t.

Don’t worry about your MIL, she’s an adult and responsible for her own feelings, your DD couldn’t help her reaction so being upset with her is pretty pointless, you’ve apologised, there’s really not much more you can do. Can your DH talk to his mum about the challenges that come with autism and how they particularly impact your daughter? It’s a hard age anyway without autism and MH issues thrown into the mix, she needs your time and care - I’d let the adults sort themselves out.

Bagelsandbrie · 23/02/2022 20:58

@Atypicaldancer

I don’t think MIL does understand. She used to say things like ‘she’s just a normal teenager’ when Dd was avoiding school, eating the same food repetitively and staying in her room for days at a time.

Dd is having therapy from a psychotherapist and she sees a psychiatrist for medication for associated mental health issues.

It’s just too hard dealing with Dd without having to navigate other people’s feelings as well. MIL is justifiably upset, but I just can’t deal with anything else. I just can’t.

Do you think some of your anger is actually towards your mil as well? That’s understandable.

Does the boyfriend have autism? If not and he has no additional needs that’s interesting… How does your dd manage to navigate their relationship?

Original poster
Atypicaldancer · 23/02/2022 21:00

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you, that really helps. DH says he’ll talk to his mum. It’s silly, but my instinct at the moment is just to avoid everyone - I feel like that’s the only way I can manage.

OP posts: