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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men should have the right to not want a baby

999 replies

user57639206 · 23/02/2022 17:51

NC as I've been shot down a few times in real life for having this opinion.

I find it bizarre that women can decide that they don't want a baby and opt for a termination (just to clarify, I completely agree with this. It's her right to choice) but when a man decides now isn't the right time, right partner or whatever the reason - he's labelled a arsehole, good for nothing or irresponsible.

Surely if a woman has the right to say "no, not right now/not for me" a man should have the same right? Without being labelled or judged!

I've seen it a few times in real life, be it from a one night stand or a not so serious relationship. The woman wants to keep the baby, the man says he doesn't (but doesn't suggest an abortion), and he's thrown under the bus.

I know there is a big difference in some sense because obviously, the woman goes through all the physical changes/trauma of having a baby - but when are men then taken to court for CA or have knives shoved in their backs for not wanting a baby?

AIBU?

OP posts:
phishy · 23/02/2022 17:53

YABU.

Engage your brain FFS. No one should be able to dictate that a woman abort a baby.

NutellaEllaElla · 23/02/2022 17:54

Do you want to force women to carry pregnancies to term? Or do you mean that men are free to have vasectomies or abstain from sex? Because the latter of course i agree with.

Nailsbythesea · 23/02/2022 17:55

Engage your brain you can’t force a woman to do anything with her body she does want.

He doesn’t want a baby wear a condom and double up with something else - or better still don’t have sex until you are prepared to take responsibility as nothing is 100%

Original poster
user57639206 · 23/02/2022 17:55

At what point did I say she should be forced to abort? Maybe re-read and engage your brain?

My point is if he doesn't want to have a child either at all, or right now, surely he should be allowed to walk away without a stigma? Just as a woman rightly can abort without stigma

OP posts:
grey12 · 23/02/2022 17:55

Yes of course!!! Men have the right to not want a baby Smile there are condoms to start and reversible vasectomy as well!!!! Perfectly fine! I think there are even contraceptive pills!

RealBecca · 23/02/2022 17:56

HIS CONTROL ENDS WHEN THE SPERM LEAVES HIS BODY. HE HAS NO RIGHTS OVER HER BODY. ITS NOT THAT FUCKING HARD.

ABSTAINING IS THE ONLY 100% WAY TO NOT HAVE A BABY.

GeraldinesVicarage · 23/02/2022 17:56

The issue lies in that we are all - male and female - fully aware that only a woman can become pregnant and therefore the ultimate decision on continuing a pregnancy lies with her, always.

So if a man knows he doesn't want a baby, he needs to take full responsibility for ensuring he doesn't make one. Because he knows that if he does, he will be on the hook to be a father and at the very least provide financially for that child if the mother decides to go ahead with the pregnancy.

I don't think anyone judges a man for not wanting a baby, but they will judge if he tries to (or does) duck his responsibilities once a pregnancy has been created.

rubyslippers · 23/02/2022 17:56

It’s not the same
Because of the reasons you state - women are at a massive societal disadvantage because of maternity / child rearing in a way men aren’t - this is physical, emotional etc

GoldiePrawn · 23/02/2022 17:56

Ah but it’s quite easy you see.

If men definitely don’t want a baby then they don’t need to be engaging in sexual intercourse. It comes with that risk, there are things you can do to hugely mitigate the risk but it’s there.

hugr · 23/02/2022 17:57

@user57639206

At what point did I say she should be forced to abort? Maybe re-read and engage your brain?

My point is if he doesn't want to have a child either at all, or right now, surely he should be allowed to walk away without a stigma? Just as a woman rightly can abort without stigma

And so a woman should just be able to walk away from the baby then?
rubyslippers · 23/02/2022 17:57

@user57639206

At what point did I say she should be forced to abort? Maybe re-read and engage your brain?

My point is if he doesn't want to have a child either at all, or right now, surely he should be allowed to walk away without a stigma? Just as a woman rightly can abort without stigma

Women are massively judged for terminations Plenty of stigma
RedCandyApple · 23/02/2022 17:57

Unpopular opinion op but I agree with you and I think pp are missing the point op is not saying the woman should abort she’s saying the man shouldn’t have to step up and play dad to a child he didn’t want or pay maintenance for them.

I don’t claim child maintenance from my ex as he decided he wanted nothing to do with our children, I’m not going to force someone who wants nothing to do with our children to pay for them.

QuizzlyBear · 23/02/2022 17:57

During pregnancy it's not a matter of deciding what they want to do re a baby, it's about deciding what to do re a woman's body. The 'baby' is still just a potential.

No man ought to have the right to a final say over what happens to a woman's body.

BrocolliHamster · 23/02/2022 17:57

I would have sympathy if the condom broke, but in any other case the question is why did they not take responsibility for contraception of they are that adamant they don't want a baby?

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 23/02/2022 17:57

They do have a choice... not to shag around carelessly.

hugr · 23/02/2022 17:58

If a woman walked away from her child after it was born, the stigma she faces is far above and beyond that of a father that walks away

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/02/2022 17:58

The problem, @user57639206, is that, in order to act on this decision, the man would get to force a woman to have a medical or surgical procedure, with all the possible complications and side effects that could arise. How would you make it happen - do you see women being forced onto operating tables, and held down until they are anaesthetised, so their baby can be terminated against their will? Can you imagine the trauma for a woman of being forced to abort a baby she wants?

If a man does not want to father a baby, he can get a vasectomy, or practise celibacy, or use condoms and accept that they are not 100% effective.

titchy · 23/02/2022 17:58

@user57639206

At what point did I say she should be forced to abort? Maybe re-read and engage your brain?

My point is if he doesn't want to have a child either at all, or right now, surely he should be allowed to walk away without a stigma? Just as a woman rightly can abort without stigma

Great news OP - condoms!
RufustheFloralmissingreindeer · 23/02/2022 17:58

I was going to agree cos of course men have the right not to have a baby

But now I understand that you mean AFTER conception not before

So i agree with grey

hugr · 23/02/2022 17:58

@RedCandyApple

Unpopular opinion op but I agree with you and I think pp are missing the point op is not saying the woman should abort she’s saying the man shouldn’t have to step up and play dad to a child he didn’t want or pay maintenance for them.

I don’t claim child maintenance from my ex as he decided he wanted nothing to do with our children, I’m not going to force someone who wants nothing to do with our children to pay for them.

Would you think the same of a woman who walked away from her child once it was born?
mikeyboo · 23/02/2022 17:59

It’s not an equal situation. There’s no way to make it equal. What we can do is choose the least worst option overall, which means woman aren’t forced to continue or terminate pregnancies, and children who are born receive financial support.

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 23/02/2022 17:59

Do you mean a man should have the right to say he wants to opt out of having a child (once the woman is pregnant)? He does, many men not only say this but act on it and get the hell out of there.

Or do you mean a man should have the right to make the woman have a procedure like terminating a pregnancy?

Either way, the best way to prevent a situation like this is to prevent pregnancy- so condoms for a man. I do not accept “she said she was on the pill as a reason a man finds himself in a situation like this btw. If he feels that strongly he needs to use condoms.

Original poster
user57639206 · 23/02/2022 17:59

I think you're missing the point.

A woman gets pregnant : she doesn't want the pregnancy, she aborts. No one's calling her a arsehole, irresponsible or awful.

A woman gets pregnant : she wants to continue the pregnancy, the man doesn't and wants to walk away. He's called an arsehole, irresponsible or awful.

I AGREE it's a woman's right to do whatever the hell she wants to do with her body, I've done it twice! Once for medical reasons and the other because I just wasn't ready. But why can a man not have the same rights?

And as for saying he should wrap it up, or not have sex. Do you say the same about women who have unplanned pregnancies? That's it's their fault for having sex in the first place and they should have used all the contraception? Pretty sure that's a no.

OP posts:
grey12 · 23/02/2022 17:59

@user57639206

At what point did I say she should be forced to abort? Maybe re-read and engage your brain?

My point is if he doesn't want to have a child either at all, or right now, surely he should be allowed to walk away without a stigma? Just as a woman rightly can abort without stigma

Women "can abort without stigma"????!!!!!! PLEASE let us in which fantastic amazing country you live in!!! Where is this special magical place that women aborting also don't face medical problems and emotional issues!!! I'll buy my ticket today!
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/02/2022 17:59

This is such a Fucking gormless, tedious, dickpandering debate.
Men do have the right to not want a baby, they have the right to wear condoms, practice no penis in vagina sex, abstinence or get a vasectomy.
Once babies are born THEY have rights. One of which is knowing who their biological parents are and being financially supported by them.

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