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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Men should have the right to not want a baby

999 replies

user57639206 · 23/02/2022 17:51

NC as I've been shot down a few times in real life for having this opinion.

I find it bizarre that women can decide that they don't want a baby and opt for a termination (just to clarify, I completely agree with this. It's her right to choice) but when a man decides now isn't the right time, right partner or whatever the reason - he's labelled a arsehole, good for nothing or irresponsible.

Surely if a woman has the right to say "no, not right now/not for me" a man should have the same right? Without being labelled or judged!

I've seen it a few times in real life, be it from a one night stand or a not so serious relationship. The woman wants to keep the baby, the man says he doesn't (but doesn't suggest an abortion), and he's thrown under the bus.

I know there is a big difference in some sense because obviously, the woman goes through all the physical changes/trauma of having a baby - but when are men then taken to court for CA or have knives shoved in their backs for not wanting a baby?

AIBU?

OP posts:

BobLep0nge · 26/02/2022 02:27

why are men the only ones that are supposed to be thinking every single time "oh I wonder if she had the shits yesterday and the pill might not be as effective!"

Because they have absolutely no control over what happened once their sperm is inside a woman. Why is that so difficult for you to understand?

Stop shirking responsibility and putting it all on the man. If you are not grown up enough to take the pill properly then by all means you should be telling every man you are with that you can't take the pill and he needs to wear something or not have sex with you

Why can't men stop shirking responsibility and putting it all on the woman? If a man is not grown up enough to take responsibility for his action of ejaculating inside a woman then he needs to wear something fine not have sex. Simple.

BobLep0nge · 26/02/2022 02:28

Ignore the typos.

BobLep0nge · 26/02/2022 02:30

A man can't expect a woman to undergo a medical procedure if you are talking about abortion? Where did I say I want this to happen? It's completely right a man has no control over a woman having an abortion or not having one

You think of a woman does not have an abortion when the man says he does not wish to even financially support the women. That means that the man is actually able to exhert a level of coercion over her, the threat of poverty. That means he is having a level of control, in your world.

Katie2017 · 26/02/2022 03:10

It's about communication, we can all agree that women have more options than men regarding contraception can we not? Men don't really like the options available to them for the following reasons-abstaining means no sex and I'm pretty sure the majority of people of either sex don't fancy being celibate for their entire lives should they not want kids. You might call it simple but it is not practical for most people for a happy life. Vasectomy is life changing and for all intents and purposes means a man can never father any biological children. It's not something that is an option for most men under 30 who may change their mind and will probably have a hard time convincing a doctor to perform the procedure on them at that age.

Condoms don't feel as good as without-I have no idea what it feels like not being a man but that is one reason men give for not wanting to wear them. Admittedly it's not a great reason but if you trusted a woman who tells you she's on the pill (over 99% effective and more effective than condoms) and says you don't need to wear a condom, I'd say he's taking precautions to stop a pregnancy by believing his partner is on the pill and taking it properly. Over 99% effective is pretty good odds he's going to avoid a pregnancy. If a woman has been sick she needs to tell her partner the pill might not be as effective-it's not a big ask. Again it's about communication and giving your partner the option of making an informed decision now he knows the pill might be less effective to wear something or abstain. This should not have to be something he does every single time when the pill is so effective in normal circumstances.

I'm not going to blame a man for believing it's extremely unlikely his sperm is going to make a woman he is seeing pregnant when she has told him she's taking something to prevent pregnancy that is over 99% effective. That's almost the same odds as abstinence FFS! If I was in a LTR and neither of us wanted to use condoms I'd expect my partner to be able to trust me if I was taking the pill. The fact that other women can't be trusted (and that's apparently ok! It's still the man's fault!) just makes things harder for me potentially if partners are going to have to be suspicious of everything I say regarding being on birth control.

Why does it always have to be men against women? Mutually deciding the woman is going to be on the pill as the couples contraception is a man taking responsibility and precautions.

Now if it's a ONS and a woman tells a man she's on the pill and he believes her he's an idiot. If two people in a long-term relationship actively decide to try for a baby and then the man changes his mind once she is pregnant he's also an idiot and a coward and should pay for the child since he actively agreed to the decision.

Neenawneenaw76 · 26/02/2022 03:13

@user57639206

At what point did I say she should be forced to abort? Maybe re-read and engage your brain?

My point is if he doesn't want to have a child either at all, or right now, surely he should be allowed to walk away without a stigma? Just as a woman rightly can abort without stigma

If he doesn't want a child he shouldn't have sex or should have vasectomy. By having sex he's consenting to the possibility of having a child so no shouldn't get to walk away later.

Neenawneenaw76 · 26/02/2022 03:17

@RedCandyApple

Unpopular opinion op but I agree with you and I think pp are missing the point op is not saying the woman should abort she’s saying the man shouldn’t have to step up and play dad to a child he didn’t want or pay maintenance for them.

I don’t claim child maintenance from my ex as he decided he wanted nothing to do with our children, I’m not going to force someone who wants nothing to do with our children to pay for them.

You're an idiot.

Superhanz · 26/02/2022 03:49

Because a man is aware that once he has sex there is always the potential for a child to be born. There's a difference between an abortion and an actual person. And before you put your dick in someone you're aware of what the consequences could be of that shag. That's the difference.

Superhanz · 26/02/2022 04:12

So if two people have sex neither wanting pregnancy and a pregnancy is created. The man ops out, he wants nothing to do with it, the women feels an attachment to the life in her belly, she's battling between not wanting to be a mother and the love she feels for this life already. She's already working for min wage barely scraping by, she knows she can't afford to do it on her own, the man is long gone ad he doesn't have to take any responsibility - so she has an abortion. Twenty years later she still cries thinking of that baby, she regrets the termination and it eats her up, she never gets over it. It's hardly the same is it?

Some women can have an abortion and they are OK with it. Some women never get over the decision they had to make.

The consequences are different for men and women because of basic biology but 99% it's the woman who has to carry the burden of an unwanted pregnancy. Do you really want to make things easier again for the poor men? Fuck off.

TheKeatingFive · 26/02/2022 05:53

It is interesting that the people talking about responsibility on here are basically arguing for the men to be absolved of ALL of it.

KittyWindbag · 26/02/2022 05:56

Let’s be clear a baby is not a rug you don’t like and don’t wish to have in your house. It’s a living human being who will grow up, who will base their sense of identity, masculinity and parenthood on the actions of their own parents. So perhaps a man does have the right to walk away and never be involved. But it’s an act of extreme cruelty and life is long. One day that man may wonder about his child. One day that child will definitely wonder about their dad. It’s absolutely better to start having some kind of relationship from the beginning, if that’s possible. For the sake of this human being you have created. Some things are just bigger than you. Life is very long and complicated and so many men live to regret walking out on their kids

Noname1999 · 26/02/2022 07:24

Sure men have a right to not to want a baby, but they need to take responsibility for their own fertility. It's not like it's abstinence or risking pregnancy either. Sex is more than PIV.

G5000 · 26/02/2022 07:37

the man shouldn’t have to step up and play dad

They don't. No man can be forced to even see any of their children if they do not want to, never mind raising them.
All they need to do is to contribute to some of the costs, but as the statistics show, this obligation is theoretical only and CMS is utterly useless.

So men already can and regularly do walk away without any consequences or stigma. I don't understand this thread.

ILoveYou3000 · 26/02/2022 07:49

What about women taking responsibility as well?

Women do. Every day.

The main problem is women have much better AND more effective birth control options so it makes sense that we get relied on to be on a form of contraception

So basically women have to shoulder the responsibility. What about the very real and sometimes dangerous side effects of hormonal contraception? Men are responsible for their own fertility. They have an option available that doesn't pose any risk to their health.

I'm sure he will wear something or abstain.

I'd argue differently. As shown in posts on this thread from experience there are many men for whom wearing a condom is not something they're willing to do. They 'don't like' them. They offer to do the old pull-and-pray then blame the woman when it all goes wrong.

TheWeeDonkey · 26/02/2022 07:53

Almost 1000 comments and people are still complaining that using condoms is a step too far. Make me wonder how they would feel if the didn't cause a pregnancy, but caught syphilis or chlamydia or HIV instead? Can't walk away from that can you?

Musttryharder2021 · 26/02/2022 08:07

@RedCandyApple

I don’t claim child maintenance from my ex as he decided he wanted nothing to do with our children, I’m not going to force someone who wants nothing to do with our children to pay for them.

A lot of women don't have the (financial) luxury not to ask the ex partner for financial contribution...it's legally the ex partner's duty of care

TheWeeDonkey · 26/02/2022 08:12

@RedCandyApple

children?

So he did this to you multiple times?

Does he just come back for the sex and you're okay with that?

I'm just wondering how that works.

RufustheFloralmissingreindeer · 26/02/2022 08:12

Mutually deciding the woman is going to be on the pill as the couples contraception is a man taking responsibility and precautions

Its really really not

G5000 · 26/02/2022 08:14

women have much better AND more effective birth control

We do?? Nobody told me, all the effective ones I've been introduced to come with a long list of side effects. Unless by 'better' you mean 'not inconveniencing the man'.

TheKeatingFive · 26/02/2022 08:19

Mutually deciding the woman is going to be on the pill as the couples contraception is a man taking responsibility and precautions

Jesus 🤦‍♀️

Anthurium · 26/02/2022 08:25

@Kendodd

Women choose to go it alone via sperm donor and there is no guy to be chased for money. Why is that allowed? Where is the child's right to have financial support from a father?

Actually, I agree. I'm really not comfortable with deliberately creating children without fathers. I believe the law changed on this somewhat a while ago and sperm donors can no longer be anonymous.

@Kendodd

To clarify: If you have fertility treatment in the UK, the donor must be ID release - meaning when the child turns 18 they will her the right to identifying information such as name/surname/last known address details. The donor still doesn't have any legal or financial commitments to any offspring created. They can also refuse to engage with this offspring if they are contacted in the future.

Out of interest, why aren't you comfortable with sperm donation as a way to create a family?

santasnothere · 26/02/2022 08:38

Poor men having to take responsibility for their own actions.

Wear a condom if you don't want the risk of pregnancy - I it really is that simple stupid.

yoyobaby · 26/02/2022 08:52

Tbh I agree with you

I once read a story on Reddit where a woman got pregnant but wanted to terminate the pregnancy. The dad begged her to have the child and said he'd take full custody. She said fine but she wants no involvement with the child whatsoever. The dad has posted saying he now resents his child and doesn't understand why she isn't interested in being in their child's lives. People were literally in the comments praising the woman for doing 'what's best for her' but if it was the other way round people would have a lot to say about the dad not being there

yoyobaby · 26/02/2022 08:53

Double standards I guess what you gonna do ey

yoyobaby · 26/02/2022 08:53

🤷‍♀️

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