DH has suggested division of childcare/housework unfair...

[ooooopsididit]

Just that really!

DH works full time, from home until recently, but is now back in the office two days per week.

I am a SAHM of two nursery age children.

Both children are at nursery four half days and one full day per week.

DH and I split the morning get up and ready routine, and bedtime routines between us.

The housework is also split about 50/50, although I do more cooking and all laundry.

I also do all lunchtime pickups of DC.

For the complete picture I do have a little cleaning job of about four hours a week, but I could give that up if I wanted the extra time back.

I thought this was fine but DH his just said he thinks it's a bit unfair... I suspect he may be right.

AIBU to expect this to be fine
YABU to split this way as he works full time

When I had free time whilst DD was in nursery I’d use it to do the food shop / batch cook / put away the clean clothes / unload and reload dishwasher / prepare dinner etc. I’d still use some of the time for a rest though, to just have a bit of quiet time or to exercise - life with little kids is full on and I needed the silence. But generally I think the larger share of jobs should be on you.

I would expect you to get most of the housework done when both kids were at nursery. But realistically this could be taken up with a supermarket shop Mon & Friday morning & tidy up/ laundry on Monday afternoon.

One good test is to leave DH with both kids for a day & see how much housework gets done. My DH only started to see reality when I had to work a weekend & he realised it was 4pm & none of them were even dressed! Have to say he has improved since then but it was definitely eye-opening for him.

not equal at all.

i think you should be doing 90% of the chores/cooking etc, as he works full time.

I believe he should be doing a fair share of bedtimes though to spend time with the kids, that should be 50/50

but you should be doing every morning and he should help where possible,
so yes YABU

I think you should be doing more of the housework as you have more free time
Childcare I would still say split equally as its time with the kids as well

I don't see you BU, or really that unfair.

Sharing morning/bed time routines is normal parenting.
I'm not sure you actually have the housework split 50:50 - you do majority of cooking, laundry, admin stuff - and than half of something (bins and cleaning? or what the rest which is divided actually contains?)

Nice rule is, that both parents should have similar amount of rare resources for themselves - typically time and money. So the question is, how much of the time for yourself you actually have, 1,5 day altogether without children, but for some chores and admin can be a bit more, but not outrageously so

Why cant you doing pretty much all the house work? What do you do with all the time on your hands?

Come on!!
You are a SAHM and you get 1.5 days a week to yourself and you only do 50% of the household chores!! Ignorance is bliss and also saying that you can't do anything whilst the children are with you is poppycock!!
Get a routine, and do your share!

So you're hiring a cleaner?

Why not give up your four hour a week cleaning job and clean your own house?

Woman who has started a little income-generating business of her own needs to give it up and become a little cinderella wifey because her husband thinks he is too important to help out at home.

And this is a site that calls itself feminist?

I work 10 hours a week oh does 37. I do mornings/school runs. Mon-Fri I cook tea/do pots, walk dog, do washing hoovering etc. we share bed time routine. Sat/sun we share child care, he cooks and I do pots. Any weekend house work is shared.

@mathanxiety

Woman who has started a little income-generating business of her own needs to give it up and become a little cinderella wifey because her husband thinks he is too important to help out at home.

And this is a site that calls itself feminist?

I don’t think anyone wants her to become a ‘Cinderella’ or is suggesting she should be working her fingers to the bone. People are just saying that if one person works 40 hours and does 50% of all housework, and another person works 4 hours and does 50% of the housework, that is unfair.

I personally really wouldn’t be happy if my husband wanted to quit work and for me to work full time and still do 50% of all housework and household type stuff. I wouldn’t feel it to be fair. So I can understand where the husband is coming from too.

Out of curiosity, would anyone else be happy with that? To go out to work 40 hours a week while your husband worked 4 hours a week and the majority of the time had one child or no children with him, then when you return from work you take on 50% of all household chores?

If I had been privileged enough to be able to stay at home with my kids the I would do the lions share of the housework.

That doesn’t mean he should do nothing. But you should be doing more as you’re kids are in nursery for a good amount of time and you only work a few hours. What do you do in the rest of your child free time?

@kanaloa absolutely I would be happy working, if my partner was doing the childcare and school runs PLUS all the laundry and most of the cooking. also I would trust that they were doing what was possible, without running themself's ragged in a day

@Aderyn21

I'm not sure that many wohp are giving up time with their kids to enable their partner to sah. For many I think they work as they always have. The difference is that there is no longer a second income. But in the early years that's often swallowed by childcare costs. I think there are two kinds of sahp - the ones who genuinely do choose it but also the ones whose decision is primarily influenced by the cost and availability of childcare compared to what they earn.

There’s also, dare I say an element of the woman being the one who wants children in her care more Money relevant for the posters with ‘bigjob’ husbands where salary is only 30-50K… Genuine higher earners probably not relevant as they can afford the childcare even with a partner on minimum wage

for those saying that a 'larger share' of the jobs should be on OP, they are. she does 100% of the laundry, most of the cooking and the 50% only refers to the rest....you don't think the husband should do 50% of the hoovering and bathroom/kitchen cleaning??

@VirginMedium

for those saying that a 'larger share' of the jobs should be on OP, they are. she does 100% of the laundry, most of the cooking and the 50% only refers to the rest....you don't think the husband should do 50% of the hoovering and bathroom/kitchen cleaning??

Personally, no. I would expect the SAHP to do the vast majority of that stuff, and wouldn't agree to taking on the WOHP role unless they were willing to agree to that. If they didn't feel that was reasonable, then I would suggest that both parents should share equal responsibility for everything.

It's not fair to compare her 4 hour job to his 40 hour one. She has at least one of the kids with her except for the 1.5 days. They don't look after themselves and jobs around the house take longer when you have a little one trying to help you.

It's also not fair to say sahp are 'lucky' - it isn't luck except in the sense that some couples can afford the choice. Other couples do it because childcare wipes out the wages. The couple are exchanging the second income for more time with the dc/easier family life. It's no more 'lucky' than choosing to keep the second income and buy additional help.
Women who do this are doing it because the couple have decided it's the best arrangement for their children. It doesn't automatically follow that sah should make a person responsible for all or majority of the drudgery involved in maintaining a house. Both adults use the bathroom so both adults should clean it!
Now in most families I'd assume the person who is home more would do more simply by virtue of being physically present in the house. To me it would be nitpicking to wash only your own clothes and not your partners or to keep track of every single little thing to ensure one wasn't doing anything 'extra'. Normal people do what needs doing when they see it needs work. But I don't think it's good to make it a rule that sah = responsible for everyone's shit!

No I don't think that's fair. I'm a sahm too, I do most of the house work (80 percent), including meals and laundry.

@mathanxiety

Woman who has started a little income-generating business of her own needs to give it up and become a little cinderella wifey because her husband thinks he is too important to help out at home.

And this is a site that calls itself feminist?

Oh give over. Getting paid say £15/hour to clean for four hours, paying tax on it and then paying someone else the same amount to clean your own house makes literally no financial sense. She hasn’t started a business with potential, she has a pocket money cleaning job. Which is absolutely fine but it’s ridiculous to make out shes some kind of business woman. Since when did cleaning your own house make you Cinderella - and you say HE is the one who thinks he’s too important? Upthread the OP sneeringly said she had better things to do than scrub skirting boards

And she has chosen to be a SAHM while her husband goes out and earns the money that literally pays for their existence - yet apparently it’s offensive and unfeminist to suggest that picking up the majority of the domestics might be her side of the deal?! Wtf?

Saying the husband thinks he’s too important to do housework is something you have literally invented. He does a huge amount for someone who works full time and has a stay at home partner - I’m surprised it’s taken him this long to voice dissatisfaction with the balance.

You sound really angry and your post is ridiculous. It’s not anti feminist to point out that women can sometimes be unreasonable and that not all men are despicable lazy cretins.

It's also not fair to say sahp are 'lucky' - it isn't luck except in the sense that some couples can afford the choice.

that's precisely the sense in which most people do say that sahp are lucky! The vast majority of families can't afford to survive on one salary or have the luxury of time to themselves when they have small children. Most parents in OPs situation would be working in a paid job at least 3 days a week, and still doing everything she does now. Or tag teaming with their partner so neither of them ever has a moment when they are not childcaring or in paid employment.

Slightly off the subject of how this thread started, but I see it's been mentioned a lot, so while I appreciate every SAHP experience is different, mine consisted of having a new born and a toddler in a pandemic.

So while I appreciate many people saying oh it's lovely, it's breezy, meet friends, go to classes, go out for lunch. Sadly that was not my experience.

I was locked inside with two very small children, pretty much in charge of everything and everyone, not seeing another adult, bar my husband, for months on end. MONTHS.

In that time DH was unable to do much to help due to other commitments, so I just got on with it.

And before someone says well yes we've all been there, well good for you if you didn't find it tough. But I did, and now that it's over, I want some time to myself, which isn't spent worrying about housework.

It's also not fair to say sahp are 'lucky' - it isn't luck except in the sense that some couples can afford the choice.

It’s only lucky if you consider going to work is always a chore that anyone would want to avoid. I don’t think that’s the case at all.

Many people get a lot from their job. Financial independence for one, some sense of belonging, connexion with other people, a sense of who they are. The ability to make a difference.

I think SAHM loose one very important thing. That’s the financial independence and the ability to (easily ish) say to their partner : stuff it. I’m not accepting that and I’m off.

And that’s Wo going into the ‘I am a SAHP because I don’t have any other choice’ which is the situation I ended up with - nursery fees costing more than my wage + partner travelling for work.
Being a SAHP is hard and some people will find it even harder. It should be a choice really (yes I know - it’s a dream)

@ooooopsididit I think that’s a very good point.

The last two years have been hard for everyone but harder for some people than others.
And sometimes, you also need some space to recover from that. Totally fair for you to take that space.

No it’s not fair. You have much more free time than he does. Every morning and one full day I’d say you should do the majority of the cleaning & cooking. Bit unfair one person working full time and doing half of everything whisker you’re not working.