DH has suggested division of childcare/housework unfair...

[ooooopsididit]

Just that really!

DH works full time, from home until recently, but is now back in the office two days per week.

I am a SAHM of two nursery age children.

Both children are at nursery four half days and one full day per week.

DH and I split the morning get up and ready routine, and bedtime routines between us.

The housework is also split about 50/50, although I do more cooking and all laundry.

I also do all lunchtime pickups of DC.

For the complete picture I do have a little cleaning job of about four hours a week, but I could give that up if I wanted the extra time back.

I thought this was fine but DH his just said he thinks it's a bit unfair... I suspect he may be right.

AIBU to expect this to be fine
YABU to split this way as he works full time

You are lucky he does that much. SAHM is hard work, when I was SAHM I did everything just about, which I was fine with, as DH worked long hours and at times worked away, so it did all fall to me, but he was good with kids and If was at home for bed time would do that. So appreciate what he does.

Childcare should be split as parents should want to spend this time with their children, otherwise what is the point of having kids to raise. So I would expect your dh to spend more time with dc outside his working hours as you have them more in the day.

Housework i would expect the SAHP to do the lions share when the kids are at nursery, but with the expectation everyone should be putting things away as they go along and generally not leaving any mess behind them.

You don’t get 1.5 days to yourself though do you?
I imagine (I may be wrong) you’ll be doing things that benefit your home/family. Ie chores, life admin, mental load, running around etc.
Not laying in front of this morning/spa/etc
The mental load/life admin is under appreciated it’s that constant hum of what’s next/to do/etc.
If you’re conscious of it adjust it, but as you said, if he’s offering to do things perhaps he should just stop offering rather than expecting you to say ‘oh no I’ll do it, please don’t’ 😉
Sounds like you’re a great couple/team, nice to read something positive for a change 🙂

I’ve always been a stay at home mum, for the last 15 years. My DH works full time 6 days a week. He ties to work I do 90% of the home stuff. I wouldn’t expect him to do anything in the house except DIY which I’m rubbish st anyway.

I'm on the fence on this one. Hubby should be tidying up after himself and chipping in with housework but I see that lions share is yours as a SAHM, however it's whatever you both agree on that matters.

You should be doing the main bulk otherwise what are you doing while he’s working?

If both parents don't want their child in full time childcare then one of them has to stay home and do the looking after. No one is saying that all sahp are potential CEOs, but they are still giving up opportunities they'd have in a workplace and are making life at home simpler and easier. Not everyone would be happy doing the full on career and knowing their kids are in paid childcare for long hours - a lot of wohp feel easier knowing their dc are with the other parent for most of the time.

How is it 50/50 if OP does all the laundry and most of the cooking? This thread is soo typical 🙄

@Aderyn21

If both parents don't want their child in full time childcare then one of them has to stay home and do the looking after. No one is saying that all sahp are potential CEOs, but they are still giving up opportunities they'd have in a workplace and are making life at home simpler and easier. Not everyone would be happy doing the full on career and knowing their kids are in paid childcare for long hours - a lot of wohp feel easier knowing their dc are with the other parent for most of the time.

It's still a choice. I don't know a single SAHM who didn't actively choose and want to be one. In most cases it was because they didn't want a career of their own or were prepared to take the hit for a short time (discussed in advance). To do something because you want to and then make a big deal about what you are sacrificing for the benefit of your DH is a bit disingenuous. And let's not forget the DH is also sacrificing time with the children in order to allow his wife to be a SAHM, so it works both ways.

It is a choice but it's often one where the benefit to the wohp is ignored and the sahp is treated (on MN at least) as if her partner has done her a huge favour that he derives no benefit from. Just saying that both parties gain in some ways and lose out in others.

I'm not sure that many wohp are giving up time with their kids to enable their partner to sah. For many I think they work as they always have. The difference is that there is no longer a second income. But in the early years that's often swallowed by childcare costs.
I think there are two kinds of sahp - the ones who genuinely do choose it but also the ones whose decision is primarily influenced by the cost and availability of childcare compared to what they earn.

@Aderyn21

It is a choice but it's often one where the benefit to the wohp is ignored and the sahp is treated (on MN at least) as if her partner has done her a huge favour that he derives no benefit from. Just saying that both parties gain in some ways and lose out in others.

I agree with this. But I do find a lot of posters on here are wildly skewed towards the advantages that having a SAHP provides for the working partner and completely overestimate the financial saving it makes to the family and the impact in terms of facilitating the other person’s career. I also think they wildly underestimate how fortunate the SAHM is to be able to make the choice not to go out to earn money yet to still have a roof over her head and food on the table.

It’s an issue which people feel very differently about and it comes down to what the couple involved feel. Personally I would never in a million years want the pressure of being sole wage earner or having to work full time while my partner stays home and any advantages I would experience would be totally wiped out by the disadvantages. A lot of men will feel the same yet on MN the woman is always going him an enormous favour and he couldn’t possibly work or progress his career by just paying for childcare like millions of working parents do!

It also depends hugely on the job. If the bloke works odd shifts or travels loads the advantage will be much greater then if he works a standard 9-5 like the OP’s husband does.

When mine were small my dh was out of the home before the morning routine and after bedtime. So there was no sharing the chores !
At weekends we split the mornings as they were very early . I guess we split the chores but mine were still housework and cooking his were more diy and outdoors jobs . I could have split them differently but it suited me .
During lock down my dh was not working for a year , I could not get him to understand about chores ! He would not do them . So I gave him shopping and cooking which he grew quite good at !

I’d say in your place household stuff and child care is yours especially during the weeks. Weekends dh should do more childcare as it’s good for him and them to spend time together .

Good for you, you are in a very lucky and privileged position.

@ooooopsididit

Just that really!

DH works full time, from home until recently, but is now back in the office two days per week.

I am a SAHM of two nursery age children.

Both children are at nursery four half days and one full day per week.

DH and I split the morning get up and ready routine, and bedtime routines between us.

The housework is also split about 50/50, although I do more cooking and all laundry.

I also do all lunchtime pickups of DC.

For the complete picture I do have a little cleaning job of about four hours a week, but I could give that up if I wanted the extra time back.

I thought this was fine but DH his just said he thinks it's a bit unfair... I suspect he may be right.

AIBU to expect this to be fine
YABU to split this way as he works full time

From what you have said it sounds like he is doing more of the share of finance generating work and a nearly equal amount of household work but you are doing more cooking, all laundry, 4 hours paid work and 4 half days of childcare. If that is correct, I think it depends if you think that the extra cooking and laundry, extra childcare and your 4 hours paid work equal the same amount of hours as his employed full time role. If the amount of hours are the same I would say you're doing a fair amount and there should be no change.

I’m going to against the grain somewhat here. You don’t ‘work’ but you are on duty all the time by the sound of it. You are responsible for the children, house, admin, and all the mental load of child rearing which is a lot. 1.5 days to yourself to do something that’s isn’t cleaning or childcare isn’t much. He gets 9h minimum(I assume), 5 days a week to switch off, talk to adults, use his brain/skills. You get 5.5days talking peppa pig, cooking cleaning, changing nappies, making snacks, thinking about making dinner, making dinner….. the list goes on. I don’t see that you should be spending another 1.5 days cleaning the house. When exactly do you get time to yourself? Why can’t you both spend an hour cleaning and tidying together every evening and on weekends? When the babies nap? And then you get 1.5 days to yourself to go for a walk, see friends for coffee, without children.

I have a 7yr old and a 6yr old. I am a SAHM. My 6yr old has some special needs and so I have to drive him to therapists and clinics regularly. I spend a lot of time at home ‘filling time’ between these trips. My husband KNOWS I need this time to myself and would never expect me to do more than 50% of the housework because he feels that I do more than 50% (edging on 100%) of the stuff that really matters and so he is happy for me to do stuff for myself in that time for my mental health/self care/whatever you want to call it and we share the housework on weekends. We each have our roles but housework belongs to everyone in the house who lives there.

SAHM, but with a cleaner sounds like the Holy Grail, OP.

I think you are bloody lucky and are having the best of all worlds if your husband is happy to slave away at work in order for you to pay someone else to do the jobs you should be doing.

@ooooopsididit

Just for clarity, it is incorrect to say I get significant amounts of time every day to myself.

Out of the seven days in a week I get one full day and one half day per week.

That is 9-4 one day, and 9-1 the other. While granted it's more than DH it's not like I'm spending 90% of the work week child free.

Outside of those 11 hours I have one or both of my children with me.

It's not just about having time child free it's time free if any work. Paid, household, child... any. So if you have time free completely to yourself and the amount of work (paid, house, child) you do in hours is less than the amount of work (paid, house, child) he does, it is unfair. If it is the same it is not unfair.

@Aderyn21

It is a choice but it's often one where the benefit to the wohp is ignored and the sahp is treated (on MN at least) as if her partner has done her a huge favour that he derives no benefit from. Just saying that both parties gain in some ways and lose out in others.

Surely that kind of depends, doesn't it? I don't think my dh would have regarded it as a benefit to him if I had become a SAHP because we would have been significantly worse off as a family. It was much more cost effective to pay a nanny to look after dd, and she was every bit as happy and well cared for. I felt the same - it wouldn't really have benefitted me for DH to become a SAHP and I wouldn't have wanted that.

If DH had really wanted to be a SAHP, I might have grudgingly accepted it on the basis that there wasn't a real cost to us in him doing so - his loss of earnings would have been roughly equivalent to what we paid the nanny, so itc would have essentially been cost neutral. I would certainly have expected him to take on the bulk of the domestic duties in that scenario. If I had wanted to SAH, I don't think DH would have been happy because we would have been much worse off as a family.

DH SAH would have only been beneficial to our family if the cost of childcare had actually exceeded his earning potential or if we had felt that dd wasn't as happy or well cared for with her nanny as she would have been with a parent. Neither of those applied, and actually, we both felt that dd gained enormously from the relationship with her wonderful nanny, so that was a huge bonus.

@Whatamess582

I’m going to against the grain somewhat here. You don’t ‘work’ but you are on duty all the time by the sound of it. You are responsible for the children, house, admin, and all the mental load of child rearing which is a lot. 1.5 days to yourself to do something that’s isn’t cleaning or childcare isn’t much. He gets 9h minimum(I assume), 5 days a week to switch off, talk to adults, use his brain/skills. You get 5.5days talking peppa pig, cooking cleaning, changing nappies, making snacks, thinking about making dinner, making dinner….. the list goes on. I don’t see that you should be spending another 1.5 days cleaning the house. When exactly do you get time to yourself? Why can’t you both spend an hour cleaning and tidying together every evening and on weekends? When the babies nap? And then you get 1.5 days to yourself to go for a walk, see friends for coffee, without children.

I have a 7yr old and a 6yr old. I am a SAHM. My 6yr old has some special needs and so I have to drive him to therapists and clinics regularly. I spend a lot of time at home ‘filling time’ between these trips. My husband KNOWS I need this time to myself and would never expect me to do more than 50% of the housework because he feels that I do more than 50% (edging on 100%) of the stuff that really matters and so he is happy for me to do stuff for myself in that time for my mental health/self care/whatever you want to call it and we share the housework on weekends. We each have our roles but housework belongs to everyone in the house who lives there.

But her work as a SAHM is the children and house for the hours her husband is in work. So saying he has child free time at work isnt fair as his job doesnt involve children..if he was a nursery nurse or paediatrician it would. If she chose to work outside the home her job wouldnt. What is key in my view is the amount of hours spent doing whatever type of work. Once that amount is equally done, everything else is split. So additional childcare, housework etc outside of working hours is split.

It does depend, yes. I don't dispute that in some families paid childcare enables both partners to work and it's all good, logistically and financially etc. But some families have work which doesn't fit with conventional hours of childcare and even with two incomes the family can't afford or don't want a nanny. Some people prefer that the kids are primarily with a parent and also enjoy that it's easier logistically and they don't lose annual leave plugging childcare gaps and have peace of mind knowing there's no taking emergency leave when the kids get ill etc.
It's swings and roundabouts - the downside for the wohp is being sole breadwinner, but they do gain in other ways. The sahp loses career gains but benefits by spending more time with the dc.
I know we are all predisposed to noticing things which feel like criticism of our personal choices but I do feel on MN that sahp are treated as if they are being given a great favour and there's literally nothing in it for the wohp and that's not always true.

@Aderyn21

It does depend, yes. I don't dispute that in some families paid childcare enables both partners to work and it's all good, logistically and financially etc. But some families have work which doesn't fit with conventional hours of childcare and even with two incomes the family can't afford or don't want a nanny. Some people prefer that the kids are primarily with a parent and also enjoy that it's easier logistically and they don't lose annual leave plugging childcare gaps and have peace of mind knowing there's no taking emergency leave when the kids get ill etc. It's swings and roundabouts - the downside for the wohp is being sole breadwinner, but they do gain in other ways. The sahp loses career gains but benefits by spending more time with the dc. I know we are all predisposed to noticing things which feel like criticism of our personal choices but I do feel on MN that sahp are treated as if they are being given a great favour and there's literally nothing in it for the wohp and that's not always true.

No, I completely agree that it isn't always true, and I understand that in some families, having one parent SAH is absolutely the best way of organising things. But equally, I often see things on here which seem to suggest that the SAHP is doing the WOHP a massive favour by having sacrificed their career in order to enable the WOHP to pursue theirs. Again, that isn't always true.

Well done you for getting him to do half of the chores. Why shouldn’t he!? Most women who work outside home normally do far more.
Back in the day here, ex would occasionally hoover, then lie on sofa exhausted. I also worked, etc. But his attitude tired me out more than doing it myself!

If your kids are at nursery the same days you effectively get every weekday morning off (deduct your cleaning job from the full day) so you have 20 hours (approx) of time to do household stuff? I’d expect you are able to do everything needed in that time and gave some so there’s very little for your partner to do other than bedtimes, tidying up on weekends etc. I would expect you to do all cleaning, shopping, food prep, admin etc.

This thread has reminded me of various MN oddities.

Most notably:

Who "runs the Hoover around" every day?

What is this "house admin" that takes up so much time?

I was a SAHM and had an absolute blast. Yes, there were afternoons that felt years long sometimes - but I did not spend my time cleaning or doing whatever this curious "admin" thing is. I spent it having a ball with my children before they had to go to school, because that was a whole lot more fun than running a Hoover around (I still don't "run the Hoover around" every 10 minutes, and my DC are all grown up, btw).

SAHMs are bloody lucky.