DH has suggested division of childcare/housework unfair...

[ooooopsididit]

Just that really!

DH works full time, from home until recently, but is now back in the office two days per week.

I am a SAHM of two nursery age children.

Both children are at nursery four half days and one full day per week.

DH and I split the morning get up and ready routine, and bedtime routines between us.

The housework is also split about 50/50, although I do more cooking and all laundry.

I also do all lunchtime pickups of DC.

For the complete picture I do have a little cleaning job of about four hours a week, but I could give that up if I wanted the extra time back.

I thought this was fine but DH his just said he thinks it's a bit unfair... I suspect he may be right.

AIBU to expect this to be fine
YABU to split this way as he works full time

I never said they aren't obliged to consider it, I said they aren't obliged to agree. Not if they think it will negatively impact their business. There are some roles where it's straightforward to have a job share or accommodate pt but some jobs just don't lend themselves to reduced days. And what can happen is a person ends up working harder/longer during their 4 days to get everything done but loses the wage for the 5th day.

No she doesn’t have 4 free mornings and a free day. Please read the thread - the kids are at nursery at different times. She has one free morning, plus Friday.

Even with a cleaner, there will still obviously be stuff house-related stuff for her to do in that time. I’m just saying, being a SAHM should not be equated with “SAH housework martyr.”

Nor should she feel guilty about having a bit of headspace in the week, fgs. Bring a SAHM is not really comparable to a “full time job.” It takes a different kind of resilience to being out at work for money. You can very easily “lose yourself” if you’re not careful. But there are “perks” to the SAH role for sure. If that’s being able to meet a friend every single often for lunch; or a few hours Netflix; or the gym - so be it! If the DH is at work and it’s a slow day; or someone says, “let’s go out for a long lunch,” or whatever the case may be, is he supposed to say, “No sorry - I must justify my existence by being nose to the grindstone because my wife has my kids today.” No I don’t think so!

'need their mum around'. Offensive to those who work tbh, like so many of us do (now it's not 1955).

Well, they need someone around. Any signs of him stepping into that role? Er, No. So if he wants them with their mum so that he can continue in his career trajectory unaffected, then he should respect her for being prepared to do that.

OP: Am I being Unreasonable?

Everyone: Yes

OP: No I'm not.

@saraya7

He does respect her, respect works both ways.

You should very defensive

@DillonPanthersTexas

OP: Am I being Unreasonable?

Everyone: Yes

OP: No I'm not.

Apart from she accepted that she perhaps was being unreasonable and hadn't realised.

She's arguing back against the martyrs whose husbands worked 5am-11pm and had their tea on the table and blowjobs on tap while the poster looked after 17 children single-handedly and had a spotless house.

She's happy to pull her weight but she's refusing to sacrifice having any time at all to herself - which is fair.

She's happy to pull her weight but she's refusing to sacrifice having any time at all to herself - which is fair.

Yes exactly.

Like other people on this thread I’m a bit baffled by all the percentage calculations of who does what

DH works full time and I work PT.

We have two children, one who is in school and one who is with a childminder three days a week and then spends two days a week with me.

My husband does all the food shopping and all the cooking and although I keep on top of the day to day tidying, every weekend we will do a deeper clean of the house and we do it between us.

I do more things with the children in the house, like homework, reading, playing games, doing arts and crafts etc and I also do the sorting out of parties and dentist appointments etc but DH takes them out every Saturday for about 5 hours and I get a bit of time to myself then.

We alternate bath and bedtime as we both enjoy doing those things - my DH would hate for me to ‘do more of them’ just because he works full time whereas I’m part time.

On both weekend mornings he tends to get up with the children and I have about an hour (sometimes two hours) to myself. He’s completely happy with this and if I do get up he just tells me to go back to bed and then usually brings me a cup of tea too

We just get on with our life as a family without keeping tabs on what each other is doing to make sure everything is 50/50.

Every family works differently though so if your husband has said he isn’t happy with your current set-up then you need to sit down together and find a solution that you’re both happy with.

Saraya what do you think the point if childcare is? You're talking from a point of privilege

I'm a sahm, I do most things around home and childcare. DH works away a lot and I try to have most things done so he has more quality family time than anything else when home.

@saraya7

A day and a half each week, not counting the weekend is not 'a bit of time' to herself. It's a lot of time. DH taking a long lunch at work isn't comparable. Even before I had children, I didn't have a free day and a half each week, with no responsibilities to do as i pleased. Few people do.

And it sounds like you and DH were happy with the balance, and came from a place of privilege that might not be the case in this family. OP's DH is not happy with the balance, and finances are a factor.

There should be a balance in terms of chances for leisure between OP and her DH. If OP cleaned the bathroom during her time off then that gives DH some time back to himself, or for the four of them to spend as a family.

Who's compensating the OP for the dip in pension contributions or career progression. Because if the dh is resentful of the perk of having a bit of extra time to herself, I hope he's making sure that his perks aren't disadvantaging her either.

@Aderyn21

Who's compensating the OP for the dip in pension contributions or career progression. Because if the dh is resentful of the perk of having a bit of extra time to herself, I hope he's making sure that his perks aren't disadvantaging her either.

If they get divorced she is entitled to at least half of the assets including his pension. Possibly more to compensate for her lower earnings. So the finances aren’t comparable to the time - they’re entirely separate issues.

The husband is resentful because she gets a day and a half a week to herself - on top of weekends which apparently count as me time for him but not her if you listen to some posters on here - while he works full time to cover all the bills and still does half of the household chores.

It’s not hard to see why he’s not over the moon with the current set up.

She’s not taking ‘a free day and a half though’ is she? Did she say she does nothing house related in this time?

I remember that stage when my kids were in nursery for a couple of hours a few mornings a week. It’s more hassle to get them there / pick them up than to just have them home, to be perfectly honest. I had three, so a bit different, but by the time you’ve got two toddlers and a baby out the house for 8.30 to drop the elder one off for 9, then you’ve still got to occupy the others for about two hours - maybe take them to a baby group, do some shopping etc - before picking them up. Then one will start school, so you’re dragging the younger ones on the school run in the car, then rushing back for nursery drop off. Just for maybe 2 hours before you pick them up. That two hours is just time to get home; clear up and whatever before you’re back at the nursery. Then it’s lunchtime for the younger ones and occupying them, before getting them all in the car before 3pm to get on the school run. And trying to keep the baby awake in the car so they don’t then stay awake until 10pm and you can actually have some time with your husband in the evening. Hardly a life of leisure! If you have a free couple of hours - take it with both hands. I would say that to anyone, working or not.

Idk what getting divorced has got to do with anything. She will probably benefit from the pension but not as much as if she had her own.
As things stand, her perks are a bit of free time and his perks are career progression, not having to use annual leave for childcare, building his pension.
Seems mean to be focussed on the one upside she is enjoying for herself (if one assumes that she does nothing at all house related on that day).
Personally I think that cleaning the bathroom etc isn't something that only one person in the household should be doing since they all contribute to the mess - she's a sahm for the benefit of the kids, not to be a skivvy for another adult. Doing housework when you're not at work is just part of a person's self care and respect-doing what is necessary to live well.

Thank you @saraya7

I think this thread has gotten quite far from where it started.

DH is in no way doing the majority of the housework. He's just doing fractionally more than he wants as he's working full time.

Also DH Works from home a large majority of the time, so him helping with dc at breakfast or bath time on the days he's here is hardly a major request, and is something he wants to do.

For those still saying I have four or five days a week to myself. I have one and a half days. I don't think I can repeat that many more times.

In response to the suggestions I "just get a job" I've outlined above the reasons that's difficult. My husband also earns probably at least 5x what I do. And is in no way keen to go part time. He's on an upward trajectory, assisted by me being here.

Me getting a job is fine on paper but logistically and financially makes no sense. Also employers aren't that keen on people who can only work limited hours and have been out of the workplace for quite a while. Sadly that's the way it is.

I've showed my husband this thread and he is shocked by the martyrdom shown by some posters.

The upshot of his comment yesterday is that we'll be getting a cleaner. I'm here for a good time, not a long time and I plan To spend my time doing enjoyable things with my family and by myself, rather than splitting hairs over who's done the bins and emptied the dishwasher

Good result OP. I think this martyrdom comes about because looking after children isn't considered to be valuable, so people think that if you are a sahp, your partner is doing you a massive favour and therefore you owe it to them to do all the drudgery in thanks for this great favour! There's little recognition that perhaps the wohp is benefiting from the arrangement.

Good for you OP. I hope the cleaner will take the pressure off a bit. Marriage is about facilitating each other to make the most of tidy opportunities available to you - whether this be a career trajectory or input to the kids / SAH. It’s not a martyrdom competition, as you say, Good luck!

The - not tidy!

Well I hope it works out for you. Since you’ve said there’s a struggle for you getting into work given you’ve been out of work maybe you could use your time while the children are nursery or you have only one child at home to do some sort of course with the objective of future work. They’re not little forever and obviously that employment gap gets longer not shorter. And when the kids are at school and a cleaner is doing the housework you won’t want to be sitting around at home all day every day.

Good outcome op! Having a cleaner is the best way to spend money imo

He's on an upward trajectory, assisted by me being here.

Indeed he is, shame about the impact on your career.

@Pandai

He's on an upward trajectory, assisted by me being here.

Indeed he is, shame about the impact on your career.

DH works a standard 40 hour week Monday - Friday i.e. the easiest possible hours to find childcare for. His career would have progressed equally if he and OP had used a childminder or a nursery instead. OP has chosen to be a SAHM; she could have equally chosen not to. And as DH shares mornings/evening and housework currently, there's not indication that he wouldn't have pulled his weight in this scenario.

@Pandai

He's on an upward trajectory, assisted by me being here.

Indeed he is, shame about the impact on your career.

Presumably the OP has chosen of her own free will to give up work and stay at home? Why do some women on here insist that being a SAHM is some enormous sacrifice and the only reason every woman isn’t a CEO on £100k? Not every woman who stays at home with their kids has given up a career to do so and many think it’s the absolute dream life and choose it, actively. If she wanted a career why did she give up work?

Only on MN is a woman always the hard done by party when she doesn’t go out to work, stays at home with her children, has her every expense covered by her husband’s salary, and still gets time to herself when his salary pays for nursery hours.

I’m not saying being a SAHM isn’t hard in lots of ways but can we stop with the ridiculous insistence that every SAHM is a hard done by would be CEO?! Some people would say it’s not a bad deal, not having to go out to work and having another person to fund your every cost while you stay home with the kids (especially if they also go to nursery) But you’re not allowed to point that out on mumsnet where SAHMs are literally the only reason any man is able to earn their money…