To find visiting my inlaws such a waste of time

[littlepieces]

I find going to my inlaws such a chore. DP always wants to go for the whole weekend when we go (Friday night to late Sunday night). He's really close with his family and their idea of spending time together is sitting on the sofa for three days watching football/F1/tennis or whatever sport is on. I just have to sit there going along with it, bored out of my mind, when I've got x100 other things I could be doing and would rather be doing. I'd also quite like a rest. His parents aren't the worst people, but not particularly enjoyable company either. MIL is hard work to talk to. She doesn't have any interests apart from TV, how great she is, and gossiping judgementally about her 'friends' and people she knows. I find it so draining, AIBU?

My parents live a couple of hours away but I'd never take DP to stay because everyone would get on top of each other and I appreciate DP wants to enjoy some of his weekend.

I know I only have to grin and bear this once every few months, but I really resent it and always come home feeling weirdly exhausted from doing nothing, and irritable with DP. Any advice on getting through these weekends better?

As your dh doesn’t stay with your parents, you shouldn’t be staying with him.

Can you just go for the day and make your own way home, leaving DH to stay there?

My parents live a couple of hours away but I'd never take DP to stay because everyone would get on top of each other and I appreciate DP wants to enjoy some of his weekend

How does he view this plan? Would he like to come and spend weekends with your family?

I often send dh off to his parents without me. It's actually a very occasion I go with him! They're very much like your pil. Mil sits on her tablet most of the time, and fil, bil and dh watch sports on the tv. It just doesn't interest me in the slightest.
I don't need to go with him. This works for us. He gets to spend time with his family doing what makes them happy with their quality time together and I get to do what I want during that day he's gone.
Just stop going, or limit how often you go to every couple visits.

OP, are you me??
This has been the story of my life for years. In laws moved a long way away, only visited us on their terms and only for dinner maybe twice a year.
We were expected to go to them for a whole weekend every couple of months. Like you, we would sit in silence with the TV or radio on and nobody would talk. We would go for dinner but conversation wouldnt flow naturally.
We took the decision to stop doing this and would see them when they visited us. DH has the option to go and see them whenever he wants, which he has never done. He seems to loke spending time with th but for very short pepriods and not often. They have very different lives, always have. His parents have never really beeen there for him as such but he feels he should entertain them whenever they are about (which is fair, they are his family).
DH does get on amazingly well with my DM though so will happily visit her weekly with me for a day. No pressure for hom to do this.

Maybe discuss with DH about how often you see them. Cut down how long you stay with them for. Maybe dont always go and have some you time.
Youre not contracted to do it. But there should be a bit of give and take.

I just do not understand why you go

On your next visit, you could avoid some telly time and the tasteless frozen dinners by going into the kitchen and making dinner for everyone. You could lessen the shock to their systems of having to endure proper food by making this

www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/sausage-bean-casserole

I'm not sure if you're joking or not, but would anyone suggest that a man do this?

Cooking dinner for everyone isn't a fun treat for the cook. Why should the OP do household chores to stave off insanity on a visit that she doesn't want to take part in?

[quote CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo]On your next visit, you could avoid some telly time and the tasteless frozen dinners by going into the kitchen and making dinner for everyone. You could lessen the shock to their systems of having to endure proper food by making this

www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/sausage-bean-casserole[/quote]
Thanks for all your replies everyone, you've all given me plenty to think about! I'm going to try to go less often, and also persuade DP to only stay for a night when we do go. I just feel bad tearing him away from his family when I know he'd rather stay.

Sorry accidentally quoted that post for no reason. Good recipe though!

Octomore
I'm not sure if you're joking or not, but would anyone suggest that a man do this?

Ionlydomassiveones
Cooking dinner for everyone isn't a fun treat for the cook. Why should the OP do household chores to stave off insanity on a visit that she doesn't want to take part in?

Agreed and I can’t think of anything worse than a bloody sausage casserole. Some people really do have a people-pleasing, don’t-rock-the-boat-cook-a sausage-casserole-for-wankers-who-make-no-effort-for-you handmaiden mindset.

Chill, people, it was a joke! The clue's in the grinny face..

So similar @Flutterby8. Trying to sustain a flowing conversation is agony isn't it. I get about 2 sentences max out of MIL at a time, unless it's about Corrie or golf (neither of which I watch/play). And nope they'll never come to us either because our flat is 'too small' and they 'joke' about why would they want to come to the 'ghetto?' (We live in a very benign SE london suburb?!) Plus FIL is worried about leaving his Merc parked out on the street rather than on a driveway...

I honestly think my MIL is lonely and just wants people around. She grew up in a household of two families, 12 in total, and then raised three boys (who she's obsessed with) for 20 odd years. Now she's knocking around in a big house with nothing much to do.

Ionlydomassiveones

Sorry. I was projecting. Over-invested and need to go to bed really! I will chill.

Thanks for that nice message - hope you have a good sleep

I think we may share the same inlaws. The TV is permanently on & it's never something I would choose to watch. Visiting my PIL makes me feel ill, like a low level case of noise torture! It's worse now kids are older as when they were young I could just play or read with them or rest. Now it's just 2 days of tedium.

I do understand that DH probably has his dislikes about my family though and you sometimes have to take one for the team.

Park your car on the street, head out and leave them to it, even just an hour or two out for a walk or lunch.
Personally, the thought of a sausage roll and crisps for dinner would keep me away for good!

Anywhere else requires going out by car. DP's car almost always gets blocked in the driveway by his dad's car after we arrive. So then we'd have to go through the whole rigmarole of moving the cars etc. which would just make even more of a scene about me going out to do my own thing!

You need to make it clear that you want to be able to get the car in and out because you are going to make plans and go out and do stuff.

If a fuss starts to be made about moving the car or parking differently, stop going to their place.

I do agree that it's good to keep a nice relationship going with inlaws if possible, but there needs to be some give and take in the relationship.

At the moment, they're trapping you in their house with their stupid car and not making any effort at all to be decent hosts.

It's rude to invite someone round, and then proceed to stick the TV on nonstop, do absolutely nothing else, make no conversation with them, and not even enable the person to be able to leave the house in their own car.

If they can't meet you halfway, just don't go, and tell your partner to go without you.

We're only just emerging from a pandemic when we were all bored stupid with being stuck in the house and not being able to go out and do things--wasting weekends with the Royle Family would drive me nuts, even if it's just a few weekends a year.

Bloody hell, that would drive me mad!? If I had to go I would just stay in his room the whole time 😖 I just wouldn’t go, if I was you. It’s all too much! Just no 😭 My idea of hell.

It's a few.times a year!! Sorry but I think YABU.

Just saw the PILs would think you odd for staying in dp’s room to read. They don’t deserve you caring what they think, they don’t seem to care what you think, OP 😞 if your DP must have you go with him, one day should suffice. If he really loves spending so much time with them, he should go by himself. That’s what I would do, anyway. But my people pleasing days are over!

@littlepieces it's going to be a very looonnnng married life if you keep this up.

i would (and have been) be frank about a very similar situ.

''I understand you want to see your family and they you. You do things very differently from the way we did things in our house. I get no joy from this, i could be doing other things''

The trouble with compromise is that no-one gets what they want.

So, you do you and he does him.

Don't go every time - be busy doing something else, your husband isn't a toddler who needs you.
Mine is at his dads for a few days in Somerset snd I haven't gone this time - we are in London and I'll go in a few months when the weather is better!
Go every few months snd take a book, iPad etc, suggest you all go for a walk or for a coffee or something to eat. I'm assuming that they're elderly. They won't be around forever so maybe also try to bring a little joy into their lives whilst they are here and take them to a local place of interest perhaps, you might enjoy it! My in laws (and my own parents tbf) sit watching tv most of the time but when we visit, we gee them up for a walk or a lunch out. Breaks up the time. Also, does your stay need to be that long?

@JenniferBarkley

It's a few weekends a year. I'd be so hurt if DH spoke that way about my family. I opened the thread expecting to find in-laws who are mean or antagonise small children or something, not just a boring weekend with people whose company you wouldn't choose.

This really doesn't seem too big an ask. Just bring a few books or some work or whatever and curl up on the sofa.

Why would you expect your partner to give up their entire weekend to spend time with people who are uninterested in them @JenniferBarkley ? Why not just go by yourself? It seems selfish to expect your partner to sacrifice a weekend just to sit around in someone else's house

If it's that hideous a time then just stop going. It doesn't really matter what they think, you clearly don't like them anyway! You've not said anything positive about either of them in any of your posts, and your whole attitude is one of exasperated, put-upon superiority.

I wouldn't want someone staying in my house who thought so little of me. It's clearly not a problem for you to go on your own to your parents' house, so I don't see why your husband can't do the same, though this does appear to be a mind-blowing concept for you, for some reason.

Can you stay in an Airbnb locally? Your DH can do the whole sitting in their house thing and you can go for meals and then escape.

Alternatively, you could become the pushy guest from hell so they no longer ask you to visit . Take the TV remote hostage (or just hide it ), refuse to watch sport ("Oh you must watch this documentary, it's really good") and cook them all sorts of weird and outlandish food that they then have to eat so as not to hurt your feelings. Oh, and insist everyone plays board games after dinner and drag them all out for a bracing walk the next morning. They'll be glad to see the back of you.