To find visiting my inlaws such a waste of time

[littlepieces]

I find going to my inlaws such a chore. DP always wants to go for the whole weekend when we go (Friday night to late Sunday night). He's really close with his family and their idea of spending time together is sitting on the sofa for three days watching football/F1/tennis or whatever sport is on. I just have to sit there going along with it, bored out of my mind, when I've got x100 other things I could be doing and would rather be doing. I'd also quite like a rest. His parents aren't the worst people, but not particularly enjoyable company either. MIL is hard work to talk to. She doesn't have any interests apart from TV, how great she is, and gossiping judgementally about her 'friends' and people she knows. I find it so draining, AIBU?

My parents live a couple of hours away but I'd never take DP to stay because everyone would get on top of each other and I appreciate DP wants to enjoy some of his weekend.

I know I only have to grin and bear this once every few months, but I really resent it and always come home feeling weirdly exhausted from doing nothing, and irritable with DP. Any advice on getting through these weekends better?

I'd definitely start making your DH go to your parents too, he might have a lightbulb moment, you never know

Do you travel there by car and are you a driver? I'd definitely just start naffing off on my own to places: national trust, pub, garden centre, whatever's your thing. I often take my running stuff to relatives too (and I like the ones I visit), as I find it good to blow off a bit of steam.

You could invent an OU course which would involve you having to "study" while you're there (i.e. naff off to the bedroom to read a book or watch something decent on a tablet while supping and ).

Or you could actually enrol on a course - you could probably do a good chunk of learning while you're there

@WutheringHeights66

I’d just find things to do round their way even if it’s just visiting the retail park or their local garden centre, no way would I sit in their house watching F1.

A few people have suggested things like this, but I don't see the point.

Presumably, the OP's first choice of weekend activity would not normally be mooching about aimlessly on her own, so it's not a valid substitute for staying at home and doing the things she actually wants/needs to do.

And if she goes out the whole time, then she isn't actually spending time with the DH's parents. If they would be offended by her not turning up, surely they'd also be offended by her going out all day? And what is the point of travelling all that way just to leave them on their own to go and mooch around somewhere?

Far better to just be honest and significantly limit the number of visits she is prepared to do.

@Bigpaintinglittlepainting

I think this is really interesting, you say dp so not married yet. I would say that you need to question whether your relationship is really that compatible ?

I only ask as my dbro is divorcing his wife and he would complain about his wife's family in the same way, ultimately they are in line with your partner and your partner really enjoys it. You will be doing this forever and EVER. Imagine what it will be like if you are married and have kids.

I would look for someone who had more of a similar family to you, it makes for a much more harmonious life.

I kind of agree with this. Me disliking ExH's family and him in return being moody with mine was one of the factors in us eventually parting. There was just no compromise.

New DP's parents live in Germany. Given that he's already told me his mother wouldn't like me (Germans? Blunt?), it's a win win :o

OP, what would your DP say if you just said something like "oh you go on your own this time, darling, I've got too much I want to get done at home"? Doesn't have to be aggressive or confrontational, just breezily saying you're not coming with him.

If he'd be happy with this, sorted. I wouldn't be giving a flying fuck what in-laws thought about it, you don't owe them your presence.

The older I get, the more I realise how thankless it is to be a people pleaser.

These people will never thank the OP, or reciprocate the effort she makes. They will never make an effort to ensure that she enjoys her visits. And they will probably huff and tut if she disappears outdoors all day during these visits.

No. Instead the OP will just have to spend 8% of her weekend time for the next 20-30 years either (a) staring at the TV with the smell of sausages hanging in the air; (b) mooching about her IL's local area desperately trying to stay sane, but still offending the ILs because she isn't sat with them; or (c) politely making excuses and not going 90% of the time, and accepting that this may cause offence.

I'd choose (c).

HesterShaw1 yep would count that a win! I actually really love my PIL but them being on the other side of the Atlantic probably makes that much easier. Limited time to get fed up with each other.

I agree with PP's, limit your visits more! I find visiting my in-laws tedious, as do the children. There isn't anything much to do in their area and there's alot of sitting around...although we escape for walks. Plus, we're often hungry as my MIL insists on making some meals (although we always take them out for at least one meal) and has forgotten how hungry growing teenagers get. So, we sneak off to refuel sometimes.

They're coming to stay with us soon and although I'm quite happy to spend time with them, I've made sure DH is taking time off to entertain them and the children will continue to do their activities.

@littlepieces

Sorry, to clarify, hes never said he doesnt want to go to my parents. I don't even entertain the idea of taking DP to stay at my parents because I understand that's probably not what he'd want to be doing with his weekend. He doesn't seem to get it though.

Time to start expecting him to join you for weekends with your family if he moans you don't want to visit his.

(Btw, I say the above as someone who genuinely likes my ILs and enjoys visiting them. But they make an effort to host and engage with us!)

I’d be honest with your partner first - watching TV all weekend isn’t my thing and a waste of time. If this falls on deaf ears, say the same to them - and suggest going out somewhere. There’s no way I’d sit and watch crappy tv just to be polite. I’d take a book, craft project, offer to do something in the garden, so they get the idea that you’re happy to be there but it’s boring watching sport tv (it totally is) and would rather be busy.

Are there places nearby you could pop out to alone? Oh, the footy’s on, I don’t fancy that, think I’ll pop out for a couple of hours for a walk/to see an exhibition/local attraction or whatever, offer for anyone to come but when they say no, go anyway.

So you’re there, being friendly and all, but keeping sane.

OP, I feel for you. This would drive me mad too. Is there anywhere in their area where you can get out and about and do your own thing? Might make it bearable. If not, I just wouldn’t go. It’s not like your DP reciprocates anyway.

On the topic of your DP, why doesn’t he do anything to make these trips more pleasant for you? I would also be wary: it’s not unusual for people to become more like their parents as they get older. You might be getting a glimpse into your own future…! 😬

I remember a wedding thread where someone said they had 4 weddings to go to in a year that took up whole weekends - everyone was saying omg that is ridiculous I’d never waste 4 of my precious weekends attending someone’s OTT wedding people are soooo selfish etc

4 weekends a year bored shitless at in-laws and it’s rude, snobby, judgmental, bitchy etc to say you don’t enjoy it

When we go to MILs she doesn’t turn the Telly off her life revolves around it and conversation is usually around what she’s been watching, she’s obsessed with antique programmes and watches 6 plus hours of them a day. I find it so so boring and my Dp will say ‘come on mum let’s turn the Telly off and have a chat!’ Or something. Or we take her out for tea (which she normally finds fault with but I think she has a form of social anxiety where she immediately jumps to a negative as a ‘topic’ of conversation as she struggles to come up with things to talk about so I try and gently steer it elsewhere). Love her to bits but I don’t think I’m the devil to not love spending days on end with her - pretty sure she doesn’t love spending all her time with us either !

@littlepieces

Inlaws hate going anywhere unless it's to their friend's houses. The whole family has a kind of eat to live mentality, they see food as fuel only and eat the same meals every day. They see eating out as a frivolous waste of money so that's never an option.

DP is there to spend time with his parents who he seems to just enjoy sitting with doing nothing. I dont want to drag him away if that's what he considers quality family time? In the summer we do sometimes get out for walks.

God, that sounds utterly joyless! No wonder you don't like going!

Just don't go.

The only reason I go is because I want to be with my kids (as in, I don't want to be apart from them for 2-3 days.) I don't really engage or pay attention to the in-laws. They're strangers to me and talk about a load of really odd shit. They're my husband's problem to deal with.

If you've got no reason to be there, just don't go. Normalise having your own life. No one these days should be following a partner to places they don't want to go to 'just because that's what you do.'

When we go to MILs she doesn’t turn the Telly off her life revolves around it and conversation is usually around what she’s been watching, she’s obsessed with antique programmes and watches 6 plus hours of them a day

I used to have this with MIL too - not all antique programmes but often was. We used to gradually sneak the volume down and then DH would say "we'll turn the TV off so you can talk to us properly". We'd only be there a few hours though. It was better when she got too old to cater for us and we used to take her out for a meal so TV wasn't an issue.

@7eleven

I’d just suck it up for the sake of my OH. It’ll hurt him if you don’t want to go. Take a book or download a film. As a compromise, maybe suggest seeking off early Saturday morning instead.

But it hurts the OP to go. Why are her OH's feelings more important than hers? Because he's a man?

Why do you have to go?

@littlepieces

Also I take books but there's nowhere to read really apart from the bedroom. PIL think it's odd for a 35 yo woman to spend the afternoon 'in bed.'

Can't you read whilst they're watching TV? I certainly could.

@Nanny0gg some people probably can't concentrate on a book whilst there is noise of tv in same room

@godmum56

Should you be staying in a relationship with this bloke if you dislike the setup at his parents so much? Its not gonna change and once (if) you have kids then the inlaws will be wanting to see the kids. This is not an LTB but honestly THINK. You could be doing this until they die.

This.

The weekends sound awful, even if they are only every couple of months.

There seems a big disconnect between you and your partner that he doesn't know that sitting around in silence watching tv is not much of a weekend in your opinion, and that he can't understand that you are not keen to do it often.

Does he know you at all?
Or does he just not care?

@Nanny0gg I think it looks pretty rude to sit and read a book whilst they’re all say watching something, I’d feel really self conscious it wouldn’t be received well

" sitting around watching TV with the smell of sausages hanging in the air for the next 30 year's "

A whole weekend is too much. Even with friends I really like this occasion would be a rarity, usually if visiting over longish distances we go over and spend the evening and a meal with them, then return home the following day.

The point is that, regardless of personalities involved, YOU are not enjoying this and have a right to say how you spend your time. Your husband's expectations are not reasonable, and using the disclaimer that it's only once every few months is still not reasonable.

YANBU.

PS. I can't even begin to imagine what Christmas must be like!

YANBU. Just stay at home every time except for a duty visit once every 6 months. Or find something you'd like to do locally, invite everyone to come and if they don't fancy it just go by yourself.