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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find visiting my inlaws such a waste of time

336 replies

littlepieces · 23/02/2022 10:47

I find going to my inlaws such a chore. DP always wants to go for the whole weekend when we go (Friday night to late Sunday night). He's really close with his family and their idea of spending time together is sitting on the sofa for three days watching football/F1/tennis or whatever sport is on. I just have to sit there going along with it, bored out of my mind, when I've got x100 other things I could be doing and would rather be doing. I'd also quite like a rest. His parents aren't the worst people, but not particularly enjoyable company either. MIL is hard work to talk to. She doesn't have any interests apart from TV, how great she is, and gossiping judgementally about her 'friends' and people she knows. I find it so draining, AIBU?

My parents live a couple of hours away but I'd never take DP to stay because everyone would get on top of each other and I appreciate DP wants to enjoy some of his weekend.

I know I only have to grin and bear this once every few months, but I really resent it and always come home feeling weirdly exhausted from doing nothing, and irritable with DP. Any advice on getting through these weekends better?

OP posts:
Tigersonvaseline · 23/02/2022 15:26

Finally lost it.

I think op has done her best to engage with her in law's / TV and sausages.

Coffeetree · 23/02/2022 15:35

@littlepieces

Also I take books but there's nowhere to read really apart from the bedroom. PIL think it's odd for a 35 yo woman to spend the afternoon 'in bed.'
First of all, yes, go less often.

But if you do go, settle in front of the TV with them and open your book! "That's all right, I don't really follow [that sport], I'll keep you company while I read my book." And then happily read. They'll get used to it.

I once had a guest look outside and say, "I know you're all going to watch a film but it's gorgeous out so I'm going to take a walk. Back soon!" That sort of thing is fine!

Eddielizzard · 23/02/2022 15:51

They just sound like incredibly boring people. I wouldn't go either. Or take up knitting.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 23/02/2022 16:08

I think they'd rather I just sat in silence with my eyes on the TV, so that's what I do now!

That's the reason you find yourself lumbered with this situation.

You don't have to meekly and complacently go along with it. That is a choice. You're an adult and are at liberty to choose differently, not least make separate decisions from those of your DH. Let this ride now and it will get far worse if you ever have kids.

What's the worst that can happen? Exactly what are they going to do about it?

me4real · 23/02/2022 16:21

YANBU. It's your life OP, live it how you want. PP's have made a lot of good suggestions though.

Benjispruce5 · 23/02/2022 16:21

Just don’t go. If it’s only every few months just tell him to go.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/02/2022 16:24

Just say no? Let Dh go and then have a weekend to yourself...

KatsWhiskas · 23/02/2022 16:24

Oh my goodness...if FIL is really doing that, yes, you do need to have a talk with your DH about their hosting skills and explain that these are what's putting you off visiting them! Have you really not raised this with your DH before...?

Keepyourheadscrewedon · 23/02/2022 16:30

We had a similar problem, so I sympathise op. We fixed our issues with staying for one night usually a Saturday and in an air bnb/hotel etc. You can enjoy a hotel, relax and chill/go shopping etc and just join them for dinner, and at a push a Sunday roast and catch up politely. Your dh can spend his time on the sofa watching sport. It is the best solution in my view, every few months somewhere that does not cost the earth.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/02/2022 16:35

My advice is to schedule your visits to your parents for the same weekend that your DP is visiting his parents.

When his parents ask "Where is littlepieces?" he's able to say that she is off visiting her own parents. They can hardly complain when he's doing the same thing, right?

Howshouldibehave · 23/02/2022 16:35

I wouldn’t spend more than 20 minutes watching any sort of sport-it reach isn’t of any interest to me. I wouldn’t make my husband do something of no interest to him for a whole weekend either!

You need to tell your DH it’s boring and you can’t do it for a whole weekend. I would do day every now and again, but if he wants it to be a weekend, he goes alone,

RockinHorseShit · 23/02/2022 16:38

An exes DPs & him were like this. I get it, It's draining.

I took to letting him go alone & meeting him there with them for Sunday afternoon only. After lots of words, it turned out he was equally as bored by it all, but felt pressured to go & wanted me there as back up. The compromise was that I went for a small part of it, instead or none of it.

MajorCarolDanvers · 23/02/2022 16:39

A few weekends is just part of being a family. IMO

CityMumma78 · 23/02/2022 16:44

Ah OP you are me 20 years ago!!! My DH parents just sit and watch endless TV, eat junk and talk about themselves! Every visit for me was torture and brain numbingly dull. Now I’m stronger and wiser and I don’t bother to visit, they are my husbands parents so his problem. I don’t expect him to spend his precious time with my parents.

KatsWhiskas · 23/02/2022 16:48

Having now read all your posts OP, in particular the one about your MIL constantly ringing your DP up to ask when you're next coming, I think, sadly, that your PIL's behaviour as a whole could be a sign of underlying developing health issues in either one or both of them. I really think you should talk to your partner about your concerns about their behaviour and try and find out more about what may be causing it.

Also agree with other posters you should limit the times you go with him to see them.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/02/2022 16:49

Maybe agree to visit his parents every 3rd or 4th time and point out to him that you don't expect him to visit your parents at all so he shouldn't expect you to visit his every time.

Would you want to visit your parents more on your own? As in you go to yours when he goes to his? Would that even be practical? It could be put to his parents that the both of you have decided on 'equal time' with each set of parents.

phoenixrosehere · 23/02/2022 16:58

I think it looks pretty rude to sit and read a book whilst they’re all say watching something, I’d feel really self conscious it wouldn’t be received well.

I think it’s pretty rude not to try and do something everyone could enjoy so no one has to be forced to entertain themselves and if not possible compromise.

At my in-laws, no one would bat an eye. We could all be sitting on the couch in the same room but doing different things. If MIL, FIL, and DH are watching a movie, they think nothing of me reading on my tablet. Sometimes it’s MIL reading and us watching a movie.

EatSleepReplete · 23/02/2022 17:00

Either take stuff with you to do - a couple of books to read, a laptop to catch up on work (if you WFH), some knitting/crochet if that's something you're into, your tablet & make sure you get their wifi password, running kit or just a decent pair of trainers so you can escape for an hour or so, etc etc... alternatively just tell your DH that you're absolutely bored to tears every time you visit, they don't do anything you find interesting, make any effort to include you, or even talk to you particularly, & you'd much rather stay home or visit your own parents thanks. I did this, it's so freeing.

averythinline · 23/02/2022 17:01

Don't go..... I don't know any adults where this is their lives...especially if young and no dc...should be making the most of your time together....

If this is what your dp thinks life should be about then maybe you're not that compatible???

Think about how you want to spend your time....as a whole nit necessarily blocking each weekend out with activity but what you want to do in your free time ....self/together maybe get him to do the same...

Maybe he sees them when you see yours...

If dc are your future does he think this will continue ....not a life for me I think!

WouldIwasShookspeared · 23/02/2022 17:09

You've decided for him to not stay at your parents but you didn't have to do that.

If you want him to 'get it' then the best way is for him to experience it from the other side

So for every time you stay with your in laws, arrange a similar visit for the two of you to your parents.

aloris · 23/02/2022 17:20

You said he goes more often than you. How often does he go? Doesn't that cut into your time together?

I would say just don't go. Make a limit of, I don't know, twice a year. Or tell him you'll go if he goes LESS often, because it's cutting into your time together as a couple to do things YOU like.

You don't have to just be walked upon.

Hoping4second · 23/02/2022 17:38

85% of my knitting is done during in-law visits. This way I can still follow conversation but it's not a complete and utter waste of my time.

I also do the dishes for some alone time while they watch TV. They all treat the mil like a house elf and she's ridiculously grateful to escape that one chore once in a while.

But otherwise yeah, space the visits. It can be quality time not quantity time.

Original poster
littlepieces · 23/02/2022 17:50

There is very little to do in the local area, it's by the coast and rural so I like going out for walks but very weather permitting. Anywhere else requires going out by car. DP's car almost always gets blocked in the driveway by his dad's car after we arrive. So then we'd have to go through the whole rigmarole of moving the cars etc. which would just make even more of a scene about me going out to do my own thing!

OP posts:
Original poster
littlepieces · 23/02/2022 17:52

When I do something like reading or knitting though I like to actually fully enjoy it and get into the flow, without interruptions. That's the part I enjoy most about those activities.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 23/02/2022 17:55

Put some earphones in as well so you won’t hear them interrupt you!