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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find visiting my inlaws such a waste of time

336 replies

littlepieces · 23/02/2022 10:47

I find going to my inlaws such a chore. DP always wants to go for the whole weekend when we go (Friday night to late Sunday night). He's really close with his family and their idea of spending time together is sitting on the sofa for three days watching football/F1/tennis or whatever sport is on. I just have to sit there going along with it, bored out of my mind, when I've got x100 other things I could be doing and would rather be doing. I'd also quite like a rest. His parents aren't the worst people, but not particularly enjoyable company either. MIL is hard work to talk to. She doesn't have any interests apart from TV, how great she is, and gossiping judgementally about her 'friends' and people she knows. I find it so draining, AIBU?

My parents live a couple of hours away but I'd never take DP to stay because everyone would get on top of each other and I appreciate DP wants to enjoy some of his weekend.

I know I only have to grin and bear this once every few months, but I really resent it and always come home feeling weirdly exhausted from doing nothing, and irritable with DP. Any advice on getting through these weekends better?

OP posts:
SartresSoul · 23/02/2022 13:31

I’d personally just let him go and you stay behind at home. That way he can go sit in silence with his parents and you can do whatever you want, everyone wins.

Sharrowgirl · 23/02/2022 13:32

I don't even entertain the idea of taking DP to stay at my parents because I understand that's probably not what he'd want to be doing with his weekend

You should start taking him to your parents for weekends, as then he’ll understand better when you explain why you don’t like going to his.

Gizacluethen · 23/02/2022 13:34

You sound like my sister in law. She just comes along sometimes, bows out others. And plans days out, if PILs go then lovely but if they don't want to go out then she just goes out herself, or me now I'm around. MIL bitches about her a bit but so what, SIL doesn't live for MILs approval. I'm trying to be more like her and step back from trying to make everyone else happy at my expense.

Ionlydomassiveones · 23/02/2022 13:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

godmum56 · 23/02/2022 13:35

Should you be staying in a relationship with this bloke if you dislike the setup at his parents so much? Its not gonna change and once (if) you have kids then the inlaws will be wanting to see the kids. This is not an LTB but honestly THINK. You could be doing this until they die.

2bazookas · 23/02/2022 13:36

Take a book. Several books.

WildfirePonie · 23/02/2022 13:39

Stop going, sounds miserable and boring. Such a waste of your precious weekends too.

Brainwave89 · 23/02/2022 13:40

IMV if you marry someone there will be some work to be done with the new family and there will be some heavy lifting in attending and building the relationship with the new family. Not turning up or avoiding them will not help build this relationship and will lead to your DH feeling isolated. I am sorry you find them dull and interesting.

Flowersandjellybeans · 23/02/2022 13:40

I have EXACTLY the same problem.

DH’s family both PIL and BIL + family enjoy just sitting around, watching TV, doing nothing. And they can comfortably do this for 14+ hours, just in the same room. I just find it really, really boring and dread weekends spent with them. It’s weird how tiring just sitting around can be, it’s like a specific kind of lethargy.

I only go a few times a year too, and I don’t think I can reasonably not, but I only do it
for my DH. He’s normally really active too but seems to revert to this state around his family - I guess it’s less weird if you’re used to it.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/02/2022 13:50

@littlepieces

Also I take books but there's nowhere to read really apart from the bedroom. PIL think it's odd for a 35 yo woman to spend the afternoon 'in bed.'
From someone who must endure the same.

Accept your reality (they are boring fucks) and adapt to your reality (make it work for you)

My advice:

  • Do what suits you with no explanation
  • Read your book in front of the TV or go up and let them think you are weird
  • I book and go for massages mani pedi and spa treatments when I visit in laws. It drives my mil a but crazy 🤪 and she thinks it's weird but equally won't say anything to my face.
I sometimes get my DH to meet me in town afterwards and we get lunch or dinner.
  • I also go for walks / run or get get guest pass to the gym
  • I pop out to get fresh air and pick up tasty things I fancy eating as MIL is a shit cook fond of microwave and over ready meals. I will leave/share any leftovers but often just get myself a gorgeous pastry.

I also send DH up alone 1 time in 3 so he can have "quality time with his family" 🤭🤭🤭

WetLookKnitwear · 23/02/2022 13:51

I thought you were going to be being petty but they just sound like awful hosts.

I love going to see the in laws but we always eat/drink something nice, play a game or whatever. Sitting in front of the sport all weekend sounds so shit.

Also if you have kids nothing will change except you’ll be expected to manage the baby while they all sit there like potatoes.

gannett · 23/02/2022 13:51

YANBU to find this a chore, it sounds dull beyond belief and I say this as someone who could win a gold medal in sitting around doing nothing.

You need to stop trying to conform to what the in-laws expect, and do what you need to do to make the weekend enjoyable for you. They think couples should be joined at the hip? So what, you know that's not true. They think it's weird for you to be in bed reading? I repeat, so bloody what - just do it and if they do disapproving murmurs either ignore them or breezily say "well, I love reading and that's where I like to read".

Basically - just because they want to sit in tedious silence all weekend doesn't mean you have to. Take a book, take work you can catch up on, tell them you're popping out for a run/to the shops/to explore the local area, whatever's relevant.

Take back control over your weekends and don't get sucked into their inactivity!

7eleven · 23/02/2022 13:53

I’d just suck it up for the sake of my OH. It’ll hurt him if you don’t want to go. Take a book or download a film. As a compromise, maybe suggest seeking off early Saturday morning instead.

2Gen · 23/02/2022 13:57

@HomeHomeInTheRange

Hang on....are you Dave, married to Denise and the ILs are the Royle family?
Lololol, it put me in mind of the Royale Family as well, only the Royale Family are FUNNY!
user1477391263 · 23/02/2022 13:58

OP, do you drive or do they live in an area with decent public transport/stuff within walking distance? I would just use their house as a base, take the kids out and do stuff both days, and just spend time together at breakfast and from the evening meal onwards. I wouldn't ask permission or make a big fuss about it, just plan stuff and then mention that that's what we're doing.

I do think that it's a good idea to see extended family and establish bonds at a basic level, but you can do that without spending the whole of two days with them--and they sound very inadequate hosts, frankly. It's not rude to spend some time away from them during the day time if they are making absolutely zero effort.

MintyFreshBreath · 23/02/2022 13:59

YABU. I thought you were going to say it was every weekend…it’s a few times a YEAR!! Get over yourself, honestly.

Ionlydomassiveones · 23/02/2022 13:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

7eleven · 23/02/2022 14:02

@Ionlydomassiveones jeez does everything have to come down to gender roles Hmm

I’m just talking about a human taking care of the feelings of another human they love. For goodness sake grow up.

user1477391263 · 23/02/2022 14:04

I don't understand why everyone is saying "3 or 4 times a year isn't too bad

4 weekends a year is 8% of your total weekend time in the year. That's masses when you work full-time and your weekends are precious!

Exactly. If you are busy and tired and have stuff to do and not a lot of time to call your own, 3-4 times a year is a lot.

OP, grow a spine. Plan things to do in the daytime and go out and do them, if you go. If someone (including your DH) tries to stop you from doing that, stop going altogether.

Sceptre86 · 23/02/2022 14:06

I don't really understand. You won't take him to your parents for the weekend because you understand that it probably won't be enjoyable for him but he can't appreciate that you might feel that way about his? Why? Is he obtuse?

I'd be worried he's going to turn into them as he gets older and I'd ditch him to be honest. It's the lack of consideration of you that I wouldn't appreciate.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 23/02/2022 14:08

I think this is really interesting, you say dp so not married yet. I would say that you need to question whether your relationship is really that compatible ?

I only ask as my dbro is divorcing his wife and he would complain about his wife's family in the same way, ultimately they are in line with your partner and your partner really enjoys it. You will be doing this forever and EVER. Imagine what it will be like if you are married and have kids.

I would look for someone who had more of a similar family to you, it makes for a much more harmonious life.

Bullandbush · 23/02/2022 14:10

Tbf my dbil and his dw are the most boring people on the planet.
I often wonder what their dc's partners think.

We otoh are probably far too noisy and annoying for our dil but our son il could beat anyone for noise.

Ionlydomassiveones · 23/02/2022 14:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 23/02/2022 14:13

tell them you've given up watching tv for lent

trawl the internet for things to do in the local area, then say your off and does anyone want to come along?

sitting watching tv all day would drive me potty

WutheringHeights66 · 23/02/2022 14:17

I’d just find things to do round their way even if it’s just visiting the retail park or their local garden centre, no way would I sit in their house watching F1.