Page 21 | Just invited to “After” party

ifIwerenotanandroid · 24/02/2022 14:21

@Ihatebullies2022

Gosh, imagine being one of the 17 friends waiting in the middle of nowhere to surprise your friend on her birthday, only for her to arrive with all the people she actually wanted to be with, and realising you weren't one of them. 17 people going out of their way to make her birthday special and all of them getting a massive 'fuck you' in return.

I'd be slipping out the back door with my king prawn platter and they'd never see me again.

I had something like this once. Close friend of the family organised a party for her son's 18th with lots of his schoolfriends & invited DH & me, who were much older than that. I tried to refuse on the grounds that we'd be out of place there, but she insisted & so we went to the venue with a present, thinking at least it was nice that she wanted us to celebrate with them. Nope.

We arrived & found lots of older members of my family there, & it turned out they'd all just been to a restaurant for a birthday dinner. They left, the party started & we found that it was actually a loud disco & we were simply there to help out in some way which was never made clear to us. After 3 hours of boredom, watching teenagers dance & attempting shouted conversations with the boy's parents, we left - to the apparent anguish of the parents, who wanted us to stay till the very end. I don't know what they were expecting us to do at the end, presumably help clear up.

They were really nice people who were very hospitable to us at other times, so I've no idea what went wrong that night.

RachelGreeneGreep · 24/02/2022 14:22

@Ihatebullies2022

Gosh, imagine being one of the 17 friends waiting in the middle of nowhere to surprise your friend on her birthday, only for her to arrive with all the people she actually wanted to be with, and realising you weren't one of them. 17 people going out of their way to make her birthday special and all of them getting a massive 'fuck you' in return.

I'd be slipping out the back door with my king prawn platter and they'd never see me again.

I love this, especially the slipping out the back door with the platter. 'All around to mine, you second class party people. And bring your grub and wine with you'

ifIwerenotanandroid · 24/02/2022 14:27

Thinking about my post above, it happened a long time ago & I think we arrived at the venue & everyone was sitting round a big dining table - so the meal had happened there.

GabriellaMontez · 24/02/2022 14:28

@Ihatebullies2022

Gosh, imagine being one of the 17 friends waiting in the middle of nowhere to surprise your friend on her birthday, only for her to arrive with all the people she actually wanted to be with, and realising you weren't one of them. 17 people going out of their way to make her birthday special and all of them getting a massive 'fuck you' in return.

I'd be slipping out the back door with my king prawn platter and they'd never see me again.

And somehow having arrived in the middle of nowhere without a car... I'd love e to know how exactly its going to work. Will they all jump out of the bushes when the important people arrive from the main party?

BiBabbles · 24/02/2022 14:43

Entirely NBU to not go. It seems not that well thought out. How is your relationship with your other family members otherwise?

It might be an idea to get emotional support for yourself like counselling

Counseling is not emotional support. A counselor can help a person develop emotional support through other people in their life, but counseling and emotional support are very different and one shouldn't go into counseling expecting that.

You know that the reality is your extended family does love you and would like to see you at that party

Her sister isn't her extended family - , she's immediate family and we cannot assume she has an inkling of anything before getting into evidence otherwise like that their brother is invited to the lunch. Why would he and SIL be invited if the sister knew she'd see them later?

While I agree that there may be a jump to the negative if this is the only situation like this in their relationship and the OP said anything about entirely cutting off which she hasn't, assuming a positive that equally can not be assumed to be 'reality' either is not helpful. Their unloving actions may be unintentional, but trying to make it a positive or that it's not really a big deal is dismissive and a block to accepting and being able to discuss the pain caused.

There may be another explanation like the sister badly thought she could assume what the OP would say if she had been asked and unintentionally did something hurtful with good intent. It's also possible that the reality is that they've become related strangers - neither negative or positive on it's own, it can be viewed as a neutral that many family members end up with time and distance. It can be very frustrating, and the opposite of emotional support, to have someone push the narrative that being related means anything about how someone feels about us. Judging that takes more than one event, even a large one like this, but trying to make everything positive and about what we can gain can be just as unhealthy as assuming the worst (like assuming she's going to cut off her nose to spite her face but just not going to a party her sister didn't invite her to and sending an alternative gift). The most likely result is in the middle.

Queenkarm · 24/02/2022 14:45

Another thought if my dsis was grieving for her dh, had very little money and anxious about meeting new people I would pay for her meal and a taxi to the restaurant as a treat. As it was a family meal with dsis friends the OP would know most of the party if not all of them. It is probably the after party OP would struggle with who OP may not know and her anxiety would be high. No good trying to dress it up they have treated OP in a dismissive way. OP for your sake I hope it is a misunderstanding and not done out of spite. Wishing you well OP

diddl · 24/02/2022 15:19

@Ihatebullies2022

Well it's not really different to having some to the meal at a wedding & others arriving later for the buffet & dancing is it?

Not really. All the wedding guests are invited by the bride and groom. The surprise party guests have not been invited by the birthday girl. She doesn't want them at her birthday celebration.

True.

I was thinking in terms of "two tiers"-keep forgetting that both parts are being organised by different people!

It does very much sound as if Op's sister has now invited everyone she wants to the lunch & the surprise party might not be appreciated-by either the sister or the guests!

billy1966 · 24/02/2022 15:19

@Queenkarm

Another thought if my dsis was grieving for her dh, had very little money and anxious about meeting new people I would pay for her meal and a taxi to the restaurant as a treat. As it was a family meal with dsis friends the OP would know most of the party if not all of them. It is probably the after party OP would struggle with who OP may not know and her anxiety would be high. No good trying to dress it up they have treated OP in a dismissive way. OP for your sake I hope it is a misunderstanding and not done out of spite. Wishing you well OP

You and most normal decent people would do this.

To treat your recently bereaved sister like this is so awful.

I also agree with @Ihatebullies2022's I think the 17 who will be at the house will be quietly appalled at the two tiered party invite and I can well imagine guests heading off.

Some people will probably be hugely offended.
It really is a tone deaf party.

32 core invitees and 17 "I suppose we should invite them".🙄

FirewomanSam · 24/02/2022 15:30

This talk of awkward surprise parties reminds me of when my friend’s sister organised a surprise party for her. She was told she was going for drinks with a few friends (including me) and we were to bring her to this bar where sister and all the other guests were waiting.

The small group of us turned up with her only to get stopped at the door because one of our other friend’s boyfriends had the wrong kind of shoes on. Birthday girl cheerily said ‘oh never mind we’ll go somewhere else!’ Everyone stood frozen on the spot not saying anything, until one of us (it might even have been me, I can’t remember now) said ‘actually no, I really wanted to go here, Derek can you go home and change your shoes?’

Birthday girl briefly thought we were completely heartless bitches but obviously that only lasted a few minutes

Newmumatlast · 24/02/2022 19:15

@Cantleave

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

Could they have maybe not invited you because of the costs? If everyone can get themselves there and you can't afford a taxi, and if everyone is paying for themselves for the lunch and they know things are tight for you? And if they know you're struggling because of losing DH and you not wanting to go out etc? Is it possible they could've thought it best you didnt go to the lunch and just went to her house which would be more relaxed? I think they could've discussed this with you if so but could it be that?

Newmumatlast · 24/02/2022 19:20

@Cantleave

I have spoken to DN. we both ended up in tears. When she invited me to the Surprise Party, it was supposed to only be my Dsis and bil, her, her siblings and their children at the lunch, making a total of 14. Everyone else (including my brother and sil) were only going to the Surprise party. However my Dsis decided she wanted her best friends to go as well and asked that they be invited. As the group they socialise with include my brother and his wife, they were also on the list for the lunch.

The Birthday lunch now comprises of 32 people and there are now only 18 for the Surprise (well 17 now, as I am not going). My DN said that when the plans changed and I wasn’t on the Lunch list she was really upset and didn’t know what to do and was dreading my finding out! She tried to say that her dm probably didn’t ask me because of dh’s death and not thinking I would want to go out, but I shut her down on that.

She asked me to give her some time to speak to her DM about inviting me to the lunch, but I have told her not to, as I definitely wouldn’t go now anyway, knowing that my “D”sis didn’t want to invite me. I have also told her I won’t be at the Surprise party and it is up to her whether she says anything to her DM about my non-appearance. She doesn’t want to upset her DM so nothing will be said.

I will send my sister a card and a bottle of wine, but I’m keeping the gift I had got her as it is something I really loved (but couldn’t have justified buying for myself).

Seen this and maybe my first message was too kind in giving benefit of doubt. Glad you arent going and are keeping the gift for yourself OP.

Original poster

Cantleave · 24/02/2022 22:47

@irene9

There's simmering resentment here and it didn't start yesterday. I don't think it's unreasonable to be asked to bring a bottle of wine and make a dish to bring to a family party, is it? Maybe the niece forgot you don't drink. You could bring a bottle of something nice for yourself to drink there instead of wine. It's not a sign of anything.

If someone buys a present they can't afford, that's on them and their money management skills. Your sister didn't make you buy that, your feelings made you buy it. You tend to put other people's needs first.

The sister probably knows or has an inkling there's a family thing later on where the other siblings and family will be including yourself.
You say yourself you don't like to go to events where there are a lot of people you don't know. It follows if your sister knows this she wouldn't invite you to this lunch with these bunch of her friends.
There's a part of you that loves your sister and there's a part of you that is really frustrated and angry with her. Families are difficult.

Your current frame of mind seems to be presenting a case to you that you have been forgotten, just 'left' and that no-one is considering your feelings. So your mind will pick up on 'evidence' to support that perspective, and you'll find it hard to take other perspectives while you are feeling like this.
It might be an idea to get emotional support for yourself like counselling. You can do online counselling from home. You are in a tough place at the minute. Recognise that and do something about it.

Others won't necessarily spot that you are struggling especially if you put on a good show of being 'strong'. Your role in your own family and your extended family has altered since you lost your DH. This is disconcerting for you.

You know that the reality is your extended family does love you and would like to see you at that party. It might do you more good than harm to take this very rare opportunity to connect with people rather than to isolate yourself further. Isolating ourselves keeps us safe but it reduces our opportunities for seeking emotional support.

I wonder are you using this as a reason to dig yourself into the bunker even further. When we get on our high horse we are usually galloping away from something but towards isolation.
Leave the braying hordes to their lunch but you might find something to value in the evening party.
Best of luck whatever you decide.

Perhaps I should clarify some things - You say there is an ongoing simmering resentment. You don’t know me past what I have said on Mumsnet. I have no simmering resentment with regards to my sister. I was not aware of her having any simmering resentment to me, but as you seem to know better, please tell me about it. Taking a bottle of wine is neither here nor there and really nothing to do with the fact I was not invited to any lunch.

With regard to my “money management skills.” You have absolutely no need to worry about those as they are excellent. If they weren’t, I wouldn’t have been able to save enough to buy my sister the special present I thought she deserved!

I agree that I currently do not like to go to events where there are a lot of people I don’t know. However, I do know my sister and bil, my nieces and their families and most of the other people that are going to the lunch (hence why sil told me not to ask A, B, C and D). It is those now only at the Surprise I don’t really know, so the opposite of your presumption.

You think my sister knows there is a “family thing later on where the other siblings and family will be including yourself.” What other family?? The other family are now invited to the lunch, so it certainly isn’t a family thing later on! Plus, if my sister knew there was a surprise party, I doubt she would have asked that all the extra people went to the Birthday lunch. After all she is going to be pretty embarrassed at the surprise!

I really do not appreciate you “analysing” me. Are you trained to analyse people from a few short paragraphs? I somehow doubt that and I think it is perhaps enough to say that you are pretty wrong in your perspective and assumptions about me. After all, how do you know my extended family love me? Do you know them? No? Oh well! Do you really think that they want to see me at the party? I don’t! My DN actually agreed that it would be extremely awkward and embarrassing for both myself and my sister (might make my sil happy, but she would be the only one). Hence why she considered broaching the subject again with her DM!

You really think I might find something of value at the evening (it’s actually an afternoon) party? I think I would feel really undervalued and embarrassed. Do you honestly think my being asked numerous times why I wasn’t at the lunch, could in any way actually benefit me?? I can assure you 100% it wouldn’t!

By the way, my DB has now contacted me, after his wife told him I had phoned! He did not realise I wasn’t invited to the lunch and has said that he and sil were pulling out of the lunch and is pretty pissed off at both his wife (I think her laughing at my not being invited, has caused a rather large fall out) and our sister (he said he was going to tell her what he thought of her). I have said that I don’t want to be the cause of any further upset and would rather he just leave it and go. He says he will think about it, but whether he goes or not, he will be letting our sister know she was out of order.

OP posts:

laalaaland · 24/02/2022 22:52

What a horrible situation for you, OP. I'm really pleased to hear that your brother is a decent human being and seems to have your back.

Lalliella · 24/02/2022 23:01

@irene9

There's simmering resentment here and it didn't start yesterday. I don't think it's unreasonable to be asked to bring a bottle of wine and make a dish to bring to a family party, is it? Maybe the niece forgot you don't drink. You could bring a bottle of something nice for yourself to drink there instead of wine. It's not a sign of anything.

If someone buys a present they can't afford, that's on them and their money management skills. Your sister didn't make you buy that, your feelings made you buy it. You tend to put other people's needs first.

The sister probably knows or has an inkling there's a family thing later on where the other siblings and family will be including yourself.
You say yourself you don't like to go to events where there are a lot of people you don't know. It follows if your sister knows this she wouldn't invite you to this lunch with these bunch of her friends.
There's a part of you that loves your sister and there's a part of you that is really frustrated and angry with her. Families are difficult.

Your current frame of mind seems to be presenting a case to you that you have been forgotten, just 'left' and that no-one is considering your feelings. So your mind will pick up on 'evidence' to support that perspective, and you'll find it hard to take other perspectives while you are feeling like this.
It might be an idea to get emotional support for yourself like counselling. You can do online counselling from home. You are in a tough place at the minute. Recognise that and do something about it.

Others won't necessarily spot that you are struggling especially if you put on a good show of being 'strong'. Your role in your own family and your extended family has altered since you lost your DH. This is disconcerting for you.

You know that the reality is your extended family does love you and would like to see you at that party. It might do you more good than harm to take this very rare opportunity to connect with people rather than to isolate yourself further. Isolating ourselves keeps us safe but it reduces our opportunities for seeking emotional support.

I wonder are you using this as a reason to dig yourself into the bunker even further. When we get on our high horse we are usually galloping away from something but towards isolation.
Leave the braying hordes to their lunch but you might find something to value in the evening party.
Best of luck whatever you decide.

Blimey! What a patronising heap of crap! You’re the mother of invention aren’t you @irene9?

YANBU OP and you’re best off out of the whole event. Hope your DB does pull out!

Arabellla · 24/02/2022 23:03

He did not realise I wasn’t invited to the lunch and has said that he and sil were pulling out of the lunch and is pretty pissed off at both his wife (I think her laughing at my not being invited, has caused a rather large fall out) and our sister (he said he was going to tell her what he thought of her).

SIL told DB that she laughed at you not being invited?

TheMadGardener · 24/02/2022 23:26

Maybe SIL is such a cow that she laughed while telling her husband the story - "Your DSis rang, should have how gobsmacked she sounded when I told her about the lunch and she realised she wasn't invited, ha ha."

XelaM · 24/02/2022 23:34

OP you sound so lovely and dignified. You definitely deserve the present!

SallyMcNally · 24/02/2022 23:35

This is quite a lot of drama. I think the time has come for DN to talk to DSis and say
-Actually mum the reason we were just having a small family lunch is that we were planning a surprise party with everyone else after but it's all got a bit out of hand and we've ended up splitting the party in two! Why don't we just have a big party at the house/ get a venue to do a buffet and bring everyone together. Sorry to spoil the surprise but it ls really nice everyone wants to celebrate with you.

If your sister isn't usually like this then maybe give her the benefit of the doubt as well. She may have been worried about you feeling obliged to go if not up to it as you have had a recent bereavement and wanted to speak to you privately? You will know what she's like so can judge her likely motives but generally good people don't tend to go out of their way to hurt people, although they sometimes act thoughtlessly or carelessly if caught up in themselves they usually regret it when they realise what they've done.

MyOtherProfile · 24/02/2022 23:36

Well said @Cantleave

Your dB sounds great. I think he's right to pull out of the lunch.

Juniper68 · 24/02/2022 23:55

Glad to hear your db has your back.

Original poster

Cantleave · 25/02/2022 00:32

@TheMadGardener

Maybe SIL is such a cow that she laughed while telling her husband the story - "Your DSis rang, should have how gobsmacked she sounded when I told her about the lunch and she realised she wasn't invited, ha ha."

Pretty accurate from what my DB said. He has been on the verge of leaving her on more than one occasion and is sickened with her behaviour.

OP posts:

honeyrider · 25/02/2022 00:48

Your DB is the only one of your relations that's decent. Good to see he has your back.

LetHimHaveIt · 25/02/2022 06:07

For the avoidance of doubt, @irene9 - OP won that one. We've all handed her a metaphorical microphone, to drop.

Brava, OP. Brava.

lborgia · 25/02/2022 06:49

@LetHimHaveIt - I'd hold her beer any day!

LetHimHaveIt · 25/02/2022 06:53

Yep!