Just invited to “After” party

[Cantleave]

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

Sounds like your brother and niece are lovely. Let’s hope your sister was just caught up in everything.

Hope you’re doing ok, OP-glad you go to speak to your brother, he sounds like a good un.

@irene9

There's simmering resentment here and it didn't start yesterday. I don't think it's unreasonable to be asked to bring a bottle of wine and make a dish to bring to a family party, is it? Maybe the niece forgot you don't drink. You could bring a bottle of something nice for yourself to drink there instead of wine. It's not a sign of anything.

If someone buys a present they can't afford, that's on them and their money management skills. Your sister didn't make you buy that, your feelings made you buy it. You tend to put other people's needs first.

The sister probably knows or has an inkling there's a family thing later on where the other siblings and family will be including yourself.
You say yourself you don't like to go to events where there are a lot of people you don't know. It follows if your sister knows this she wouldn't invite you to this lunch with these bunch of her friends.
There's a part of you that loves your sister and there's a part of you that is really frustrated and angry with her. Families are difficult.

Your current frame of mind seems to be presenting a case to you that you have been forgotten, just 'left' and that no-one is considering your feelings. So your mind will pick up on 'evidence' to support that perspective, and you'll find it hard to take other perspectives while you are feeling like this.
It might be an idea to get emotional support for yourself like counselling. You can do online counselling from home. You are in a tough place at the minute. Recognise that and do something about it.

Others won't necessarily spot that you are struggling especially if you put on a good show of being 'strong'. Your role in your own family and your extended family has altered since you lost your DH. This is disconcerting for you.

You know that the reality is your extended family does love you and would like to see you at that party. It might do you more good than harm to take this very rare opportunity to connect with people rather than to isolate yourself further. Isolating ourselves keeps us safe but it reduces our opportunities for seeking emotional support.

I wonder are you using this as a reason to dig yourself into the bunker even further. When we get on our high horse we are usually galloping away from something but towards isolation.
Leave the braying hordes to their lunch but you might find something to value in the evening party.
Best of luck whatever you decide.

B+ on your PassAgg essay, Irene9

OP, I’m sorry you have been treated like this and you are right to be hurt. My only feeling is I hope you get to the bottom of why you were excluded by your sister. It would be awful for relations between you to sour if the situation is not discussed and there was some less hurtful explanation (though one does not occur to me I confess). I’m thinking you must have once been very close to be her daughter’s godmother. You have behaved with impeccable dignity and restraint.

Anyway, the main reason I came on here was to tell you that having read one of your updates I looked up the Matthew Edge sculptures. They are lovely. I particularly like the 2 you have (the cat and the owl) and am thinking of getting one for my daughter for her 21st birthday. A total digression I know, but thought you’d like to know! All the best.

Oh your brother sounds much nicer than either your sister or his wife!

I'm sorry it's all such a shitshow but maybe it'll turn out for the best in the long run, now all the bad behaviour is out in the open.

Hi Op, firstly sorry for the loss of your husband. It must be a dreadful time for you.
There is likely to be fall out from all of this and I hope you will be able to stay calm and shut down any drama directed at you.
I am glad your brother and niece seem to understand your situation.
Def do keep the lovely gift you bought and just focus on whatever gives you relief or joy from your bereavement.
I think your sister has been a bit thoughtless and I do hope she sees sense and shows you some decency.
I would avoid your sil as much as possible.
Good luck

Irene may actually be the SIL..........

Glad your Brother has your back OP

Your brother sounds lovely. I hope he does speak to your sister about her behaviour. She needs to know that she's upset you.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband and your present struggles, @Cantleave. I'm very glad to read your update, though, and that your brother has got your back. From what you say, it sounds as if your sister wasn't deliberately leaving you out and your niece just made a hash of the organisation of the meal out and the party, with nobody meaning to snub you deliberately. I hope it all works out in the end in whatever way you want it to.

I agree that the niece should have revealed the surprise party to her mother when she started asking for more people to come to the lunch. She's actually inadvertently exposed her mother by keeping quiet. And now it's opened up the fault line in your DB's marriage. What a mess. And if it goes ahead, more people in 'the B Team' will be insulted and no doubt some of your sister's friendships will be damaged. It's nice that your DB's got your back, OP. But I hope someone steps in to get a hold of the situation and reorganise it into one non-surprise party.

irene IS the sister no? You have her account of this whole sorry debacle right there, and no Irene is never ever acceptable to treat your sibling in such a way when they are disable and grieving.

Your DB sounds a decent sort. I'm glad to read your update.

I hope your DB takes your DSis and your DNiece individually aside to discuss their behaviour towards you. I know you have defended your DNiece but her behaviour has also been crass. It sounds like it is a complete lack of good manners and concern on their part rather than any ill will towards you.

His wife is a lost cause.

@Keepyourheadscrewedon

irene IS the sister no? You have her account of this whole sorry debacle right there, and no Irene is never ever acceptable to treat your sibling in such a way when they are disable and grieving.

That's what I thought too. Reads very much like someone who knows all the details but is trying to make it sound like they don't.

Yes, it was the mixing up of tenses, and you should be 'helping yourself,' you can't be relying on anyone, get some counselling angle that just rang entirely true of someone looking to defend the indefensible. I have never seen such an unqualified rant out of absolute nowhere like that from just an ordinary poster. It sounded like she covered most of the points as well, so taking note of single thing that op had said. If irene is not the sister, then who is she? She seems to know more about the op than the op does!

Really hope Irene is not the sister because she's a cold hearted wotsit if she is.

It wouldn't cost much to extend sympathy and kindness to your recently bereaved sister.

Interesting that there no comments on the SILs dreadful behaviour in that post.

It wouldn’t surprise me is Irene is the sister. Re-reading the post, that’s exactly what it sounds like!

If I were one of the 17 at the after party, I think I would actually take my bottle of wine and walk out when all the others came back and I realised I wasn’t invited to the real party. How embarrassing for the sister.

@Disneysaurus

If I were one of the 17 at the after party, I think I would actually take my bottle of wine and walk out when all the others came back and I realised I wasn’t invited to the real party. How embarrassing for the sister.

Yeah, a lot of friendships potentially ruined unless there is a rethink of this surprise party.

@LetHimHaveIt

For the avoidance of doubt, *@irene9* - OP won that one. We've all handed her a metaphorical microphone, to drop.

Brava, OP. Brava.

Absolutely. Brilliant response to that rant, OP.

AryaStarkWolf
Yes I agree Irene could be the SIL seems far to invested not to be involved. OP glad your brother is looking out for you xx

@irene9 What a pile of nonsense! You should feel embarrassed, frankly.

@Cantleave You handled that ridiculous patronising essay from irene9 perfectly. If ever you feel your heart sinking at the thought of going somewhere alone, as you mentioned in your first post, then please harness that strength that so very clearly is still within you. It's good news that your brother is looking out for you. And I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband. If you were my sister you'd be top of my list for joining in with a family celebration and we would all be raising a glass to your husband. Very best wishes to you.

I do feel embarrassed and ashamed. It wasn't my intention to hurt anyone's feelings with my post.
I responded because of my own painful past with my own sister, and I can see that now.
I reacted as if you were that sister and of course you aren't.
I lost sight with the fact that there is a real person on the receiving end of my post and how my words might be received.
All I can do is apologise.

Well, I apologize too. I was a bit OTT in my remark to you @irene9. I just very strongly feel that it's hard to see how OP isn't the injured party in this situation.

op very glad to hear someone in your family has some decency!