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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantleave · 25/02/2022 19:28

Thanks @irene9 Don’t worry about it, I was maybe a bit harsh too, in my replies. From what you said in your last post, I can see you were just trying to be helpful. I’m also sorry about your painful past with your sister and hope that you managed to come to terms with the upset and difficulties in that relationship. Take care.

OP posts:
grapewine · 25/02/2022 19:56

@irene9

I do feel embarrassed and ashamed. It wasn't my intention to hurt anyone's feelings with my post. I responded because of my own painful past with my own sister, and I can see that now. I reacted as if you were that sister and of course you aren't. I lost sight with the fact that there is a real person on the receiving end of my post and how my words might be received. All I can do is apologise.
That's really decent of you.
FirewomanSam · 25/02/2022 20:08

@irene9 @Cantleave congratulations on having the most civilised exchange I think
I’ve ever seen on MN! Irene it was very graceful of you to take all the criticism on the chin and apologise so sincerely. Fair play to you and I’m sorry about your own sister situation Flowers

mcmooberry · 25/02/2022 20:52

I am glad to read the update about your brother's stance on this and I hope that by posting this thread you feel empowered to deal with this. If your sister socialises with your SIL who sounds like a piece of work, then maybe you and she are very different people. My suspicion is that she might possibly have worried that your recent (understandable, inevitable) low mood might have spoiled the vibe of her do? Is that possible? The reality is that a lovely lunch with people you feel comfortable with would have been something for you to look forward to, and that's why leaving you out is so appalling. The whole lunch party will think that too. One day you can let her know how badly she has behaved, but for now, your dignified withdrawal feels like the best plan.

Howshouldibehave · 25/02/2022 21:01

@irene9

I do feel embarrassed and ashamed. It wasn't my intention to hurt anyone's feelings with my post. I responded because of my own painful past with my own sister, and I can see that now. I reacted as if you were that sister and of course you aren't. I lost sight with the fact that there is a real person on the receiving end of my post and how my words might be received. All I can do is apologise.
Top post-how lovely to see someone rethink and come back and say something so nice
2018SoFarSoGreat · 25/02/2022 21:39

well done, @irene9. Very gracious and sincere apology. We don't see that often here.

I too share the horrid painful experiences with a sister, and I get it for you and for OP. It is so easy to fall into comparing and contrasting that relationship when thinking of any pair of siblings. Sadly, I mostly think 'mine is still worse' which does not make me a winner, believe me.

OP - you sound lovely, and these people should be counting their blessings having you in the family!

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 25/02/2022 22:05

@irene9 @Cantleave congratulations on having the most civilised exchange I think I’ve ever seen on MN! Irene it was very graceful of you to take all the criticism on the chin and apologise so sincerely. Fair play to you and I’m sorry about your own sister situation

This is what mumsnet is supposed to be like.

ralanne · 26/02/2022 07:03

[quote CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo]**@irene9* @Cantleave* congratulations on having the most civilised exchange I think I’ve ever seen on MN! Irene it was very graceful of you to take all the criticism on the chin and apologise so sincerely. Fair play to you and I’m sorry about your own sister situation

This is what mumsnet is supposed to be like.[/quote]
Agreed! This is beautiful. x

Disneysaurus · 26/02/2022 08:05

@irene9

I do feel embarrassed and ashamed. It wasn't my intention to hurt anyone's feelings with my post. I responded because of my own painful past with my own sister, and I can see that now. I reacted as if you were that sister and of course you aren't. I lost sight with the fact that there is a real person on the receiving end of my post and how my words might be received. All I can do is apologise.
Oh this made me really happy for some reason.
AryaStarkWolf · 26/02/2022 11:06

Fair dues Irene ❤

whynotwhatknot · 26/02/2022 12:25

Glad your dbro has your back op and maybe its made him realise what a horrible personhes married to

buckeejit · 26/02/2022 12:58

I enjoyed that peaceful resolution too, kudos to you both.

Good that db has your back, I don't know what the best resolution is here but would be tempted to send her a card to arrive before her birthday to say sorry you won't see her on the day & leave her to sort out any drama & answer any questions. I'd be extremely disappointed too. To be honest, some of my siblings have disappointed me in the past & my estimation of them has dropped. I still wouldn't exclude any of them if I'm having an event where some are invited

ScottishNameChange · 26/02/2022 22:15

Fair play @irene9

anotherbloodyyearofcovid · 26/02/2022 22:41

@JayAlfredPrufrock

I’d phone your sister and invite her out for lunch on her birthday.
Best suggestion so far 😜
nancynoname · 27/02/2022 07:28

@Ihatebullies2022

Gosh, imagine being one of the 17 friends waiting in the middle of nowhere to surprise your friend on her birthday, only for her to arrive with all the people she actually wanted to be with, and realising you weren't one of them. 17 people going out of their way to make her birthday special and all of them getting a massive 'fuck you' in return.

I'd be slipping out the back door with my king prawn platter and they'd never see me again.

Yes, talk about having A list / B list thrown in your face.

The sister and niece are going to ruin a lot of so-called friendships and cause family damage with this fiasco. If I was a B lister, I'd never speak to either of them again. If I was an A lister, (and didn't know about the B list until I arrived at the surprise party), I'd be so embarrassed and feel so awkward that I'd make my excuses and leave immediately, and really see the sister and niece in a whole new light.

The niece is not lovely. Despite knowing about the lunch, she still wants to go ahead with the surprise, and have the B listers cater it all to boot! Once her mother wanted to extend the lunch group, she should have immediately come clean so as to avoid this mess, and also insisted the OP be invited. But it sounds like she wants the kudos for organising this event for her mother - no matter the collateral damage of the OP and the other B listers.

ScottishNameChange · 27/02/2022 10:55

@Cantleave how are you getting on? Its in my head that the party was this weekend but I might have misread that. I hope you found peace with your decisions around this and found something else nice to focus on. I have recently lost a couple of people very close to me and grief is an awful feeling to navigate isn't it. I don't know about you but on the one hand I want to be around people and at the same time, the thought of it feels exhausting. But you do still like to know that people want you around and it feels rubbish when people decide for you what you are or aren't up for. I hope you are being kind to yourself and finding lots of balance right now. Take care.

Bitconfusedhmm · 05/03/2022 17:48

Did you go @Cantleave

ScottishNameChange · 05/03/2022 18:22

I've been wondering how she got on too. Hoping you're OK @Cantleave x

Original poster
Cantleave · 05/03/2022 19:32

The party was today and no I didn’t go. I haven’t heard from my brother, my niece or my sister, so I don’t know what happened about the Surprise Party or if it even went ahead.

I actually ended up sending my Owl sculpture back as I couldn’t justify keeping it for myself. I sent my sister a card and flowers, made a donation to one of the Ukraine charities and will put what was left towards my much increased utility bill!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/03/2022 20:21
Thanks
crowsfeet57 · 05/03/2022 20:30

@Cantleave, I think you made the right decision. You have behaved with dignity throughout.

My own sister has done this kind of thing to me more than once, including only inviting me to the evening of her wedding after I had made the wedding cake and bought bridesmaid dresses for her daughters. Many years without this kind of behaviour had lulled me into a false sense of security only for her to start up again this week.

I have read your posts with sympathy as I know this behaviour can be hurtful. Sending you hugs

Mix56 · 05/03/2022 21:06

Crowsfeet, that is really terrible.

Zonder · 05/03/2022 21:54

That's so sad for both of you, @Cantleave and @crowsfeet57

liliainterfrutices · 05/03/2022 22:30

I do hope you are ok, cantleave. Itwas nice of you to send flowers.
Sorry you’re going through it too, crowsfeet.

Bigboysmademedoit · 05/03/2022 22:46

You handled this with dignity as someone has said. Sorry you had to go through such crass behaviour Flowers

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