Just invited to “After” party

[Cantleave]

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

Just a thought, if anyone mentions her birthday you should say that there will be a big lunch and you weren't invited. She is bound to tell everyone that you weren't feeling up to it rather than say she didn't invite you.

All the party-only guests will know they didn't make the cut for the lunch when the large lunch group turns up. Painful.

Good point

Oh yes the dn asking op to provide food and wine, presumably dn also asked the other second class guests to also take wine and food. So basically the second class are paying for the surprise party lol you couldn't make it up
Op you have really handled this with real dignity. Enjoy the owl and as op has said order a takeaway and invite a friend over. Also (a bit spiteful, but you can just imagine the fall out when the second hand friends find out they are just that. Sorry for your loss of your dh

There's simmering resentment here and it didn't start yesterday. I don't think it's unreasonable to be asked to bring a bottle of wine and make a dish to bring to a family party, is it? Maybe the niece forgot you don't drink. You could bring a bottle of something nice for yourself to drink there instead of wine. It's not a sign of anything.

If someone buys a present they can't afford, that's on them and their money management skills. Your sister didn't make you buy that, your feelings made you buy it. You tend to put other people's needs first.

The sister probably knows or has an inkling there's a family thing later on where the other siblings and family will be including yourself.
You say yourself you don't like to go to events where there are a lot of people you don't know. It follows if your sister knows this she wouldn't invite you to this lunch with these bunch of her friends.
There's a part of you that loves your sister and there's a part of you that is really frustrated and angry with her. Families are difficult.

Your current frame of mind seems to be presenting a case to you that you have been forgotten, just 'left' and that no-one is considering your feelings. So your mind will pick up on 'evidence' to support that perspective, and you'll find it hard to take other perspectives while you are feeling like this.
It might be an idea to get emotional support for yourself like counselling. You can do online counselling from home. You are in a tough place at the minute. Recognise that and do something about it.

Others won't necessarily spot that you are struggling especially if you put on a good show of being 'strong'. Your role in your own family and your extended family has altered since you lost your DH. This is disconcerting for you.

You know that the reality is your extended family does love you and would like to see you at that party. It might do you more good than harm to take this very rare opportunity to connect with people rather than to isolate yourself further. Isolating ourselves keeps us safe but it reduces our opportunities for seeking emotional support.

I wonder are you using this as a reason to dig yourself into the bunker even further. When we get on our high horse we are usually galloping away from something but towards isolation.
Leave the braying hordes to their lunch but you might find something to value in the evening party.
Best of luck whatever you decide.

@Ihatebullies2022

Gosh, imagine being one of the 17 friends waiting in the middle of nowhere to surprise your friend on her birthday, only for her to arrive with all the people she actually wanted to be with, and realising you weren't one of them. 17 people going out of their way to make her birthday special and all of them getting a massive 'fuck you' in return.

I'd be slipping out the back door with my king prawn platter and they'd never see me again.

🤣

Quite right!

Totally agree with those who say DN should have come clear when the mum added extras to the lunch. Understandable, she thought she wouldn’t see these people otherwise, and was maybe trying to make the lunch less of a “grandma duty” and more fun for her.

But you can’t have an after party situation when the people going for lunch outnumbers those at the after party. That’s just beyond rude. And you can’t ask them to bring the food and wide!

Most of all of course, it’s hurtful that your sis didn’t ask you to the lunch, and I’d struggle to get over this.

@Ihatebullies2022

Gosh, imagine being one of the 17 friends waiting in the middle of nowhere to surprise your friend on her birthday, only for her to arrive with all the people she actually wanted to be with, and realising you weren't one of them. 17 people going out of their way to make her birthday special and all of them getting a massive 'fuck you' in return.

I'd be slipping out the back door with my king prawn platter and they'd never see me again.

So true. It's embarrassing. I get the idea of the surprise party if it was only ops sisters immediate family as she originally thought ... not every one she's ever met and their plus ones.

@irene9

Okay...are you the niece?

Bit of a tangent lol

[quote NotMyselfWithoutCoffee]@irene9

Okay...are you the niece?

Bit of a tangent lol [/quote]
Or the sister?! 🧐

Poor dn! So awkward now for everyone involved! Why didn't dn or dbil say no at the beginning and reiterate it was a family lunch? Then if she insisted either come clean or ask the new invitees to say no as they'd obviously know there was a surprise party in the evening.
Once it got this big it does seem odd that op wasn't invited or even suggested by dn to her mother.
I think dsis needs to know everything now and see what she thinks should happen.

@Ihatebullies2022

Gosh, imagine being one of the 17 friends waiting in the middle of nowhere to surprise your friend on her birthday, only for her to arrive with all the people she actually wanted to be with, and realising you weren't one of them. 17 people going out of their way to make her birthday special and all of them getting a massive 'fuck you' in return.

I'd be slipping out the back door with my king prawn platter and they'd never see me again.

Well it's not really different to having some to the meal at a wedding & others arriving later for the buffet & dancing is it?

But having such a big number to the lunch & less for the party seems odd to me.

32 to lunch-why not 49??

If I were DN I would just cancel the surprise party and give some excuse. It's a bit of a shit show.

Yes, I have to agree that, once the OP's sister expanded the lunch plans, the surprise party should have either been totally scrapped, or OP's niece should have just told her mother about it so that it was no longer a surprise.

It's now an epic fuck up and will cause a lot of hurt feelings, I think - not just OP's!

I'm neither the sister or the niece!
There's more to this than meets the eye.
I'm merely hoping the OP will pause before any cutting of nose to spite face goes on. To see what can she gain from this situation.
It's a lose lose situation currently.
It depends what's more important to the OP.
Nobody said that those people at the lunch are going back to the OPs house.

I'd be slipping out the back door with my king prawn platter and they'd never see me again

OP I see everyone is very much on your side and I am absolutely with you that you have been treated badly and asking you to bring wine when you don't drink it is out of line.
I do wonder though as you have mentioned quite a few times that you are short on money whether they didn't want to put you in a position where you couldn't pay for dinner and had to refuse on that basis? Also, if you thought you were closer to your sister than it appears I do wonder if there is another explanation. I have friends/family I see in a group, and others I prefer to see on their own. I am definitely closer to the ones I catch up with one on one, I wonder whether there was a plan to catch up with you separately knowing you aren't a fan of groups but they invited you to the after party so you weren't excluded from the day.
There are definitely things here you are justified to be hurt by, but if you really think you are close then I do suggest not throwing it back at them just yet and getting to the bottom of it calmly when you feel able.
sending hugs.

@Totalwasteofpaper - She set up an immediate family lunch and a surprise party after for a larger extended group.
So far so lovely nice.

Except for the fact that it wasn't an immediate family lunch. It was a family lunch minus the sister of the birthday 'girl' so not an immediate family lunch to me.

So far not so nice niece.

@Eddielizzard

If I were DN I would just cancel the surprise party and give some excuse. It's a bit of a shit show.

I does seem odd to have people coming back from lunch to be greeted by people clutching wine & platters doesn't it?

Or are the lunch people supposed to go home from the restaurant?

Well it's not really different to having some to the meal at a wedding & others arriving later for the buffet & dancing is it?

Only if you have evening guests who are being told that only immediate family are going to the wedding, but actually the bulk of the guests are going - just not them.

Hmmm. I suppose it's possible that the sister may have thought she was considering OP's feelings when not inviting her to the lunch, but she's managed it incredibly badly. If it were me and my sister in that position I'd phone her up, tell her I was having the lunch and ask her how she felt about it with the option of just the two of us having a lovely lunch together on a separate day, if she chose not to come. What I would not do is have a secret lunch party and risk the very hurt feelings that the OP is now experiencing. And for the record, OP, your SiL is an absolute bitch.

@HenryIV

I think you’re avoiding a very awkward ‘surprise’ party. Your SIL is going to be blindsided when faced with 17 people who weren’t important enough to attend the lunch, particularly with an entourage of 32. You’re best out of it but I’d love to be a fly on that wall. You sound lovely OP and have behaved with absolute dignity. You’re niece, btw, sounds lovely, as do you and you deserve better.

That reminds me for some reason of Friends when Monica's friends for her surprise party hide, and she says to Monica and Phoebe she didn't care about seeing them anyway. And then they all pop up from where they were hiding. Awwwwwkward.

Glad you are keeping the gift, OP. It sounds lovely and you deserve it.

@liliainterfrutices

Hmmm. I suppose it's possible that the sister may have thought she was considering OP's feelings when not inviting her to the lunch, but she's managed it incredibly badly. If it were me and my sister in that position I'd phone her up, tell her I was having the lunch and ask her how she felt about it with the option of just the two of us having a lovely lunch together on a separate day, if she chose not to come. What I would not do is have a secret lunch party and risk the very hurt feelings that the OP is now experiencing. And for the record, OP, your SiL is an absolute bitch.

That was exactly what I was thinking. It would have been nice to simply have a quiet lunch together, in the circumstances.

@irene9 I suggest you get on your high horse and gallop away to RTFT

Well it's not really different to having some to the meal at a wedding & others arriving later for the buffet & dancing is it?

Not really. All the wedding guests are invited by the bride and groom. The surprise party guests have not been invited by the birthday girl. She doesn't want them at her birthday celebration.