To wonder is it worth it??

[Namechangeroo1234]

DH and I just had a bust up over what's best.

We have 2 DC. We've explored them going into private education. We can't afford it alone. I applied for bursary. Got a small one, very grateful but we'd still struggle. Parents have offered to release funds from their house. Which does make it doable. However we'd be tight for cash for next 12 years. We wouldn't be able to save/holiday etc.

We only have 1 secondary school nearby, and it's really got a bad rep, bullying is rife and the teachers struggle. somehow they've dodged Ofsted for last 8 years, apparently because the became an academy?!?

Our choice - sacrifice a financially comfortable life for a while- and give children a good educational experience.

Or live comfortably, afford the children experiences outside of school, but they attend an awful school.

DH thinks private. Aibu to wonder if it's really worth it?

I know it's not what you're suggesting but if the school is that bad I'd move.

It sounds like you can't afford private. We all could if we just remortgaged our house buts it's not that simple.

There would be a lot of other costs to private education other than the fees I imagine?

I agree with your DH. Their school experience is fundamental to their future.

I really wouldn't pay for private schooling. I would use any money possible to move area instead. When you add up the cost of private education, particularly for more than one child, it's absolutely outrageous. Your poor parents will feel tremendous pressure to support you in this.

Very tough call but I don't think it's necessarily worth it in your case, money being so tight for so long sounds excruciating. Send them to state, if they're good kids they'll most likely be completely fine and you'll be relieved you didn't squander that money and live your lives in misery for years. If you find they're not fine in the state school then revisit the idea of private.

I would think it would be difficult for a child in private school to have no money to do the things their peers can - trips away/extracurricular stuff etc. that could cause issues in itself. I wouldn't do it in your shoes.

The fee-paying school may offer a discount for more than one child.

You can ask them what extras you might expect to see on your bill.

For us it was music lessons (expensive), day trips (very reasonable), residentials (pricey) and occasional exam fees, eg. for English Speaking Board exams.

Personally, I don't think it's worth it, no. We could have comfortably afforded private education for dd but we didn't think it was worth the investment.

DD has thrived socially and excelled academically in the state sector, so we have no regrets. Family support and individual motivation/drive are more important than the school imo.

Unfortunately - moving isn't an option. We're quite rural, and love where we are.
I just wish I had a crystal ball- I'd happily make the sacrifice if I knew it would genuinely benifit.

Private school won't do bursary and sibling discount for us.

Honestly - if you can afford to move to an area with better state schools do that instead. Most private schools academically only really benefit kids with special needs or who are super brainy. Otherwise most kids are just as well off in a decent state school.

Yes private schools often have far better facilities and things but if your children are missing family holidays and days out etc I think they would probably choose those over school facilities any day.

FWIW: I went to my local ‘rough’ secondary school (my primary school was wonderful) and came out with straight C-A* grades.
(I went there because it had a FANTASTIC music department and I love music. My parents wanted me to try for a music scholarship at a nearby girls school but I refused on the grounds that the uniform was pink jumpers and tartan skirts which I never would’ve been seen dead in as I was a trousers only teen who at the time hated wearing pink!)

DD has thrived socially and excelled academically in the state sector, so we have no regrets. Family support and individual motivation/drive are more important than the school imo.

I agree with this. Unless the state school in question is riddled with violent youths it will be fine. My school was very much a mixed bag demographically. There was some wild children there and a lot of disruptions, yet the good kids with stable homes excelled nonetheless and probably benefitted from the experience of mixing with people from all walks of life. Being able to resonate to/interact comfortably with a broad range of people is a very good skill to have. Thinking of the friend who went on to work in criminal law our former classmates are probably clients of hers!

Is there only one secondary school in the area?? I don't get it? Why can't you move?

Education is so important. Local bad school doesn't sound like an option if you want what is best for your kids.
Go private if the establishment is worth its salt - many aren't. They'll happily take your money, show you their beautiful grounds, and state of the art facilities but... the kids don't care about the grounds and the state of the art facilities only matter a bit. It is whether the teachers are any good that is important - very hard to judge from the outside, talk to parents of kids who go there but they may well suffer from confirmation bias as they have already decided to send their kids there. Look at the grades, uptake to uni etc. One of the big factors of private school is the social expectation among the peer group 'everyone is going to uni, so I will too', 'so and so is training to be a lawyer, dr, etc.' which makes it less likely they will view these professions as unattainable. Equally though there can be a sense of entitlement with a lot of the kids and some are not kind with the 'financially less well off kid'. I was that kid in private school for a while - could go to the school but not do all the extra curriculars that were extra or ski trips that were £1000's extra every year.

It sounds as though you are the one that doesn't want to move because you love where you are... I get that, I do. But do what is best for your kids even if it means moving - it is too important not to if it can be an option.

@ddshocker

Is there only one secondary school in the area?? I don't get it? Why can't you move?

Yes- only one. The next school is 20 miles away- which also not great, in the same academy trust. To move is difficult, it's not really a viable option. With our jobs/family etc. We're quite rural.

Is the private school you are considering a good one? How does it compare to others? If favourably, paying is a no brainer as you are hopefully setting up your children for life. But you do need a backup plan if one of you loses your job.

There's also other reasons which I don't want to go into on here incase its bit 'outing' but basically moving is not an option.

Did you go to private school OP?

I'm just thinking you'd be breaking your back to give your kids this amazing education. In 30 years will they just be doing the same?

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here but for you to have to give up treats and holidays and things. These were the things you went through an education in order to be able to work to afford. I know we do see our own children and their future as more important than ourselves but I really just don't think it sounds like it's comfortably in your reach sadly. It's a lot to put on both your children and your parents I think.

Not sure what your parents circumstances are but How would your parents pay back their loan/remortgage ? What if they struggle or need help with care in future?

While you don’t want to move, I would move rather than allowing my parents to release equity. As per another poster, how would they pay off the mortgage? Is the plan going to make things tight for them as well as you? I’m of the view of avoiding crap secondaries having been to one but in your current circs, the finances sound too tight. Could you do anything to raise your household income?

We can't move.
The in-laws don't have any mortgage, it would basically be our inheritance. So, it would be paid back then.

We've worked out our finances based on income now. But I would hope that I could increase my income as there is scope, but obviously that's not guaranteed, but likely.

It's so frustrating that it's doable,but just. I wish it was clear cut, either no chance of paying or able to with breathing room.

Try the state school first and go private if it doesn’t work out. Dc went to a not very good school bit with a friends group did very well.

Only you know what only just doable means in real terms. If literally you can’t save a penny, can never go on holiday and will struggle with the electricity cap change then no don’t do it. Of course education is important but a child’s life isn’t just school, a stressed out, financially tight home life is no benefit to them.

What are your DCs personalities like? I (quiet, geeky) was miserable at my not great primary school, but I look at DS1 (equally bright but a lot more outgoing)and think he would have been fine.

If I thought my children would struggle at the state school I think I'd choose private in your shoes.

I think you should move house

It would come down to the numbers for me - people's perception of what constitutes 'struggling' financially varies hugely.

If it meant being really tight with money though - very strict budget, zero saving, no holidays or treat fund - no, I wouldn't consider it. No one can plan that far in advance - if one of you loses your job, gets ill, etc you're screwed.

The only thing worse than sending the dc to a rubbish school would be sending them to a fantastic one for a few years then having to withdraw and send them to the shit one.

Also - why 12 years op? Years 7-11 is 5 years. Would there be some time you're paying for 2, time in between when 1 is in primary, one already left comp etc?

Have you factored in potential future cost of living increases OP and if you have a mortgage have you considered the effect of rate increases on future repayments? Wholesale gas prices went up 11% yesterday when Germany announced it was halting approval of the Nordstream 2 pipeline. We are about to experience epic price inflation on just about everything like we haven’t seen for decades.