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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder is it worth it??

154 replies

Namechangeroo1234 · 22/02/2022 23:54

DH and I just had a bust up over what's best.

We have 2 DC. We've explored them going into private education. We can't afford it alone. I applied for bursary. Got a small one, very grateful but we'd still struggle. Parents have offered to release funds from their house. Which does make it doable. However we'd be tight for cash for next 12 years. We wouldn't be able to save/holiday etc.

We only have 1 secondary school nearby, and it's really got a bad rep, bullying is rife and the teachers struggle. somehow they've dodged Ofsted for last 8 years, apparently because the became an academy?!?

Our choice - sacrifice a financially comfortable life for a while- and give children a good educational experience.

Or live comfortably, afford the children experiences outside of school, but they attend an awful school.

DH thinks private. Aibu to wonder if it's really worth it?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 23/02/2022 11:19

If you think DD is autistic maybe push to get a diagnosis, as would mean state school would be required to support necessary accommodations.

Wideawakeandconfused · 23/02/2022 11:21

I have to say, if my kids were neurotypical they would have carried on in state school. They aren’t and no amount of external support would have helped. They need support in the class room and we are lucky enough to be able to pay for it. My DC might come out with average grades (as did I) but they’ll have more self confidence than they would have at state school. That I know for sure and that is why it’s worth every penny to us. They have access to so many resources and the options to try so many new activities, they will find something they shine at.

I think a lot of it will depend on the school. Some are very academic, others for round. so you need to be sure it’s the right fit for your DC.

weaselish · 23/02/2022 11:24

Are you certain they'd get into the private schools if they have entrance exams?

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 23/02/2022 11:24

The fact that you could only send them by parents releasing funds from their own home, would be an instant no from me.

I would feel guilt and pressure.

What about expensive school trips and sports equipment etc., that they will need?

Babyvenusplant · 23/02/2022 11:26

It's not just the fees with private school, if you'll only just afford the fees without any extras I think it would be a real struggle.

Some private school charge extra for text books, exams, transport, school trips and extra activities, uniform and sports kits and if your children need supported learning during lessons etc

How do you know the state school has such a bad rep? Is it just from things you've heard? Sometimes it's not always as bad as people make it out to be.

gluenotsoup · 23/02/2022 11:27

I would move. I know you say there are reasons why you don’t want to, but I really think it’s the most sensible option. You could even rent your house out and rent another in a good catchment area then move back in the future.
In all honesty, I don’t think you can afford private school. If you reliant on equity release and cutting back as far as no holidays etc then it’s just forcing a way to fund private school, but at huge detriment to a lot of other experiences.
If you really can’t move, I would try the local schools and spend money on tutors, private music lessons, theatre, days out, museums, art galleries, holidays sometimes, all the things that support and enrich education and high life expectations. If it doesn’t work you can rethink it. However- and I mean this kindly- you’ve left it til the last minute to act on it. It’ll be fine, it’s how you handle it that matters.

roarfeckingroarr · 23/02/2022 11:27

Private every time

PeacefulPrune · 23/02/2022 11:28

It's a tough one. I just don't think the stress of being so tight on money would be worth it.

Why not use the state school, join their board and try to improve the school. Use the money you'd be saving on extra tuition and extra curricular activities.

BobbyeinArkansas · 23/02/2022 11:33

I’d go private without blinking an eye in your situation. It’s very hard to start again in secondary school. Sounds like you can up your income a bit and also that it’s only 3/4 years when they’re both there that things will be tight.
Your children might also be able to get sports or academic scholarships. I’d explore that angle also.

Wideawakeandconfused · 23/02/2022 11:34

Just to give you an idea, since September we have spent almost £1500 on uniform and sports kit which included second hand items (for two DC). Ignoring the fact that the school are now changing the uniform, I’m having to buy new again due to growth spurts!

On top of that, our invoice for last term was £600 for clubs, trips, books (not text). This is at primary level.

Original poster
Namechangeroo1234 · 23/02/2022 11:51

It's not been a last minute decision. We've been rolling it over for years. The firm money offer has just been made in last 6months, which is what's changed things and it's more real as a potential option.
What I wish I knew is, is it worth it.

OP posts:
hettie · 23/02/2022 11:57

My DH went to a series of shit state schools..And had fuck all support at home (the reverse in fact) Still managed to get into a Russell grp uni, an advanced progression programme post degree and is now a chief exec. Also a lovely, well rounded person with interests and friends....My brother went to a private school from a rural area. ... He's happy enough now but did not do that "traditionally well" for a long while. A few of his good friends had oodles of cash but some unhappy issues too....Type of school imho matters less than you might think

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 23/02/2022 12:10

@Namechangeroo1234

Lots of helpful views here, thank you!

Im leaning towards sending them state to start with, see how we go. It might- like some have suggested- be ok! If not, will consider our options again.

This seems sensible. Very few schools are so bad that a child who works hard can’t achieve.

Obviously if that child is not easily lead, or keen to seek out trouble, they may do better in a more sheltered environment eg. Private school, where there are less distractions.

But then that’s kind of on them. If your kids want to do well then they will. They’ll be much more appreciative of being able to have nice holidays and holidays extra cuticular activities than they will of you paying expensive school fees to send them to a school where they are the poorest and don’t have the same life style as their friends.

MatildaTheCat · 23/02/2022 12:22

is it worth it is something you’ll never really know for sure. Different children thrive in different settings. Our youngest went to an independent secondary school because the other options weren’t acceptable to us. He was the sort of child who was drawn towards the badly behaved kids and could have easily gone wrong. As it was he made a delightful set of friends, still got into trouble quite often but came out with very decent results.

Have you actually visited the state school and talked about your worries? Schools can change quite quickly if there is a change of leadership.

Lauraa7 · 23/02/2022 12:37

A friend sent her daughter private and she was bullied as she was ‘poor’. She wasn’t poor, she just didn’t go on big holidays every school holiday. My child went to a high
School with 1800 kids, had a bit of a name but they love it, and the activities they do are amazing.
I’d try state first and then go private if needed

expectingourmiracle · 23/02/2022 12:47

As other posters have said I think moving would be the best option, but if you really can't I would chance the state school. I worked at a private school and trust me, the bullying can be just as bad. Good luck in whatever you decide.

PatterPaws · 23/02/2022 13:05

I would chat to the admissions department of the private school and explain your situation.

Their fees may not necessarily be as set as it may seem. If there are currently vacancies in the school, they might be willing to reduce fees in order to fill the spaces.

I know a family who have three children at a small independent school. When one of the parents was made redundant, they gave notice to the school to leave.

The school wanted to keep the three children and offered all three children to be free for the remainder of the year (two terms), and for the following two years the family would only be charged for two of the three children.

Heyahun · 23/02/2022 13:12

having a life is more impotant i think!

Wilkolampshade · 23/02/2022 13:52

Unless you are very, very sure the private option is measurably better I wouldn't do this OP, and mine have been to every setting you can imagine and it always comes down to the year group/teachers you're handed. I might ask GP's to release some cash for extra-curricular enrichment instead?

Jazzhandedintrovert · 23/02/2022 13:56

We were in a similar position: awful school, shy child rapidly losing confidence and not quite enough money to pay for private. We are now home educating and see it as a way of providing affordable private education. (we are very lucky that there is a thriving home ed community in our area with a choice of groups every day, organised outings and private tutors)

Remember to allow for significant rise in fees as the cost of living increases, the schools will also need to charge more to cover their increased costs.

Good luck....you sound like a really supportive, thoughtful family, so I'm sure your children will be fine whatever you decide!

PinkPomeranian · 23/02/2022 14:04

My kids are still at primary school, but my own experience of a very good state high school (single sex, ex grammar) we have chosen independent schools for them. More freedom to explore their own interests and less pressure to jump through hoops and box tick. Despite its reputation as a hot house, my school was most concerned with getting as many C grades as possible than the top grades, and certainly spoon fed us rather than encouraging independent learning. I felt it keenly at university. If your only options are a bad state school or an independent school, I'd try to make the independent work.

thesandwich · 23/02/2022 14:06

Have you and Dc visited the state school? Was is like its reputation? What did you think of its pupils? When looking a at schools, I looked at what their oldest pupils were like and if I wanted my Dc to be like them…

NewcastleOrBust · 23/02/2022 14:21

I would chat to the admissions department of the private school and explain your situation.
Private schools are businesses. They will go under if they discount fees for people who can't afford them. The OP's 'situation' will be no different to any other parents situation in that area if the only two secondary schools are not very good.

Gowithme · 23/02/2022 14:28

We live rurally and have two schools within 5 miles one of which I wouldn't dream of sending my ds to. I couldn't put my kids in a shit school so it would have to be private. Their school hols are sometimes a bit different so you might be able to get a cheap holiday in that time.
If it's going to make life hell though then it's not worth it so you have to think carefully. It's a shame you can't move as that would be the best option.

qualitygirl · 23/02/2022 16:55

Is it worth it? Well that depends on what you want from it, or expect from it @Namechangeroo1234

A private school can provide your dc with more opportunities and perhaps a better education (not always a given) but if your dc are not the aspirational type then there's no point. If they are not ones to study then...again...there is no point.

If you think there's any chance that your older dc will study harder and better in private school and go on to be in a very successful career path (and at the same time you know 100% that it would never happen at said state school then yes...send him.

But don't send him and then expect the world out of him if he's not capable

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