To wonder is it worth it??

[Namechangeroo1234]

DH and I just had a bust up over what's best.

We have 2 DC. We've explored them going into private education. We can't afford it alone. I applied for bursary. Got a small one, very grateful but we'd still struggle. Parents have offered to release funds from their house. Which does make it doable. However we'd be tight for cash for next 12 years. We wouldn't be able to save/holiday etc.

We only have 1 secondary school nearby, and it's really got a bad rep, bullying is rife and the teachers struggle. somehow they've dodged Ofsted for last 8 years, apparently because the became an academy?!?

Our choice - sacrifice a financially comfortable life for a while- and give children a good educational experience.

Or live comfortably, afford the children experiences outside of school, but they attend an awful school.

DH thinks private. Aibu to wonder if it's really worth it?

I wouldn't send them to the private school. My parents did this for me and my sister and it was so hard on them in the long term. They struggled to pay for the extras that come along with private ed. Trips more expensive, equipment etc. I only have one daughter and could afford to do it I guess but I definitively wouldn't xx

Forgive me for asking but - did you not factor in schools when choosing your location?

Posters always cite living 'very rurally' for why they can't do x, y or z but presumably they made a choice to live there.

If your parents are offering to take out an equity release mortgage I'd consider how that would impact them in very old age in terms of care costs.

So all the kids at the state school are bullies and asbo types ?
Doubt it very much. 90% of the county's population cannot afford private school. Ordinary folk have by necessity to use state schools. Vast majority of kids with parents invested in their kids education do ok.
I know someone who sent their children to private school. Scrapped everything they had to pay. They were shocked to discover that many of their childrens' classmates were still having private tuition despite being at private school, such was the fear of being bottom of the class

Bullying is rife in the private sector too

( speaking from experience).

In my experience private school has definitely been worth it, especially if the only state option is really bad. However, in our case the fees didn't leave us in a tight position financially. I think there's a point where it makes more sense to move to a decent catchment, rather than pay for private fees. It probably still won't quite offer all the opportunities of a top private school, but it will give the dc a solid education and you can supplement with extra curricular activities. But I suppose if you are at the stage of getting a bursary then you've already done secondary admissions, so it could be too late to move. Although you can always move anyway and get on a waiting list.

In the gentlest way of putting this, if you need to budget carefully to afford private school then your children may not have the best experience there. It sounds like with fees included, you will have to make sacrifices in lifestyle choices so there won't be a huge amount to live "comfortably".

Most private school kids are lovely but there's no escaping the fact that many grow up with significant privilege. The school itself will also have different expectations of the parents re: paying for trips, extra curricular activities etc. In order to fit in, you children will inevitably be expected to keep with the others in some way and if that becomes an issue then it can really make the school experience miserable.

I'm annoyed on OPs behalf at so many people telling her to move when she's already said it's definitely not an option. Not everyone is able to just up and move, they could be farmers, light-house keepers, hoteliers - there can be lots of reasons why people can't just sell up to be in the right catchment area.
FWIW, I'd go state and see how it goes.

Releasing equity is a huge ask.
If that’s the only way you can manage private I say don’t. Supplement the education and stay state. Once the children are considering college/uni then maybe get grandparents help but not so early on.

FWIW - DSis went to private school, I didn't. I went to the local comprehensive.
I got good A level grades and went to university. DSis didn't.

Private school is no guarantee that your children will do well in school.

I had a state grammar education , my DH had a private education and my DC were both privately educated.

They are now adults and have ok jobs but nothing they couldn't have achieved from a state education.

Would I do it again, absolutely no way. The cost of private education is now so high and undoubtedly will increase further along with everything else.

I understand a housemove is not a possibility but is there no other state school within driving distance that you could consider?

The private school my DC attended was 25 miles away. During their time there we covered thousands of miles, accommodating sport, choir and social occasions for them as we chose the school. There was a bus to and fro which covered the normal school day.

On these threads there are always the comments about being socially inferior to other parents at a private school. In my experience there are certainly some parents who are loaded but the majority are just working hard to pay the fees.

Have you factored in uniforms (not just the standard uniform, but all the different sports kits too), mandatory extra tuition if needed, clubs, school bus, trips etc.? If you can't make it work with the unoptional extras then your decision is made for you.

Is the bad state school bad educationally or is it unsafe, i.e. gangs and kids getting stabbed? If it's actually unsafe then I'd do everything I could to get the DC into the independent school.

I was had the same dilemma last year, made worse because we couldn't see any of the schools due to covid. I decided to put the good but heavily oversubscribed state school as DS' first option and see how it went. Our catchment school has had bad gang problems and a child was stabbed just down the road from us. I wouldn't have sent him there. Luckily he got a place at the good school and loves it, so problem solved.

How about tutoring for the shortfall in teaching. We got tutors for dd gsce year as she has had some
mH issues and it's helped hugely for her to improve her grades.

The bullying is tricky but all schools have some element of bullying even top private so you can avoid that anywhere. Just have to equip for kids to stand up or at least come to you or an adult should
It occur.

I would send the children to the state school for year 7 and 8 as these are not critical years and then move them to private from year 9 when they are choosing options and preparing to start GCSE's. That way, you could save 2 years worth of fees.

So you'd pay private but then put your children into poverty?? Essentially isolating them from their more affluent peers! Find a school out of the area or move. That said, don't believe everything you hear about a school.

I agree with people saying it's too much for you.

You won't move house because you like where you are too much to move, but you'll have relatives releasing property equity to fund this and even then you'd be scraping by?

What if you lost your income or it reduced? What if one of you became terminally ill? How will you pay for the expensive extras your children will be expected to indulge in to keep up with peers?

That's no way to put children through private school, I'm afraid.

I'm reluctantly on your DH's side. I think I probably would go private in your situation, especially given your children's personalities. I'd maybe give the state school a try first and see if it worked out, but would be prepared to put my hand in my pocket (or my PIL's pocket) if things went wrong.

I find it a bit of an odd one because your children seem to come quite far down your list of priorities if having a decent school available (and by decent, I mean OK academically, friendly and supportive, not an academic hothouse ) wasn't something that you took into account when planning your lives. I'm not criticising, just pointing out that this would be a priority for lots of people over living near family etc.

If you can't move and you decide the independent school is too much of a stretch, could you look at state boarding schools? Your DC might be willing to give it a go if they find the state option absolutely miserable even if it means living away from home.

So many people assuming OP could move if they wanted to. Given that they are rural, maybe they are farmers or hoteliers/B&B owners who really cannot just move at the drop of a hat.

I didn't have children- they weren't even a twinkle in my eye when I found myself living where we do. So it wasn't that it was bad planning or what ever, it's just this is the situation we found ourselves in and those are the options available to us now.
We can't move....just say that again, as people don't read the whole post.

There’s plenty of bullying at private schools, and if you don’t have the money to fit in with the lifestyle it’s not going to help.

It wouldn't be my first choice for my child, but in your circumstances I would definitely have a look at state boarding schools if there are any within a few hours drive. They're often very good schools and cheaper than normal independent schools since you only pay the boarding element and it removes the need to ferry your children around during the week if you're relatively isolated. They can focus on activities and homework instead rather than travelling to school. The downside of course is boarding but that might be outweighed by having a better educational experience in a smaller school. It sounds like where you are isn't ideal for your DC.

Have you considered that they’ll likely be the poorest kids in private school and the stigma that can carry? Also a lot of what gives privately educated kids the ‘edge’ is the money to pay for experiences etc and their parents existing connections.

Realistically, you're talking about a minimum cost of £250k over the lifetime of their secondary education, not including fees for lunches, trips, extra curricular activities, or uniform. This is a significant cost and I'd advise you to think carefully unless you can genuinely and easily afford it. I'd certainly look at the local secondary with clear eyes first. The Ofsted is clearly out of date, but what are its grades like? Where do the children from their primary school go? How many go into jobs or further qualifications? How do they approach SEN? Go and visit and talk to the teachers before making any decisions.

DH being a farmer is really the only circumstance in which "can't move" applies.

@TatianaBis which then leads me to think will the DS also stay in farming (which they usually do!)...at which point I would think private education would be wasted!