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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder is it worth it??

154 replies

Namechangeroo1234 · 22/02/2022 23:54

DH and I just had a bust up over what's best.

We have 2 DC. We've explored them going into private education. We can't afford it alone. I applied for bursary. Got a small one, very grateful but we'd still struggle. Parents have offered to release funds from their house. Which does make it doable. However we'd be tight for cash for next 12 years. We wouldn't be able to save/holiday etc.

We only have 1 secondary school nearby, and it's really got a bad rep, bullying is rife and the teachers struggle. somehow they've dodged Ofsted for last 8 years, apparently because the became an academy?!?

Our choice - sacrifice a financially comfortable life for a while- and give children a good educational experience.

Or live comfortably, afford the children experiences outside of school, but they attend an awful school.

DH thinks private. Aibu to wonder if it's really worth it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeroo1234 · 23/02/2022 07:39

My DC- one is painfully shy but very sporty. Capable but not very enthusiastic about learning, probably same as most!! Other we think is autistic but very capable and a whiz at school and doing ok. I'm not sure how she'd cope in a school of 2k, her school now has 95

I'd really like to send them private. Just not sure about the cost. But DH is adamant it will be ok.

OP posts:
AnnieJ1985 · 23/02/2022 07:41

What age are your children now? Are you talking about private primary and secondary? If they are still small I would send them to state primary I think, see how they got on there, and by time they are getting close to secondary age, reassess. If it is a few years away, things can change.

I really don't like the idea of 12 years scraping by, that is a long time if something umexpected crops up and you have no spare funds

Original poster
Namechangeroo1234 · 23/02/2022 07:41

@Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase

Have you factored in potential future cost of living increases OP and if you have a mortgage have you considered the effect of rate increases on future repayments? Wholesale gas prices went up 11% yesterday when Germany announced it was halting approval of the Nordstream 2 pipeline. We are about to experience epic price inflation on just about everything like we haven’t seen for decades.
We did consider this in our workings out. Wether we've got the amount of inflation right, I'm not sure!
OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeroo1234 · 23/02/2022 07:44

@AnnieJ1985

What age are your children now? Are you talking about private primary and secondary? If they are still small I would send them to state primary I think, see how they got on there, and by time they are getting close to secondary age, reassess. If it is a few years away, things can change.

I really don't like the idea of 12 years scraping by, that is a long time if something umexpected crops up and you have no spare funds

It's secondary only. Happy with their primary.

Really it'll be 3/4years when it's a major scrimp and the cost is highest when both DC are there. Then it goes down again.

OP posts:
FiveShelties · 23/02/2022 08:40

What happens if your in-laws need to move, to go into care etc?

AlexaShutUp · 23/02/2022 08:50

Given what you've said about your children's personalities, OP, I might reconsider my response a bit. I think private schools probably add the most value for kids who are either very shy or who are lacking in self motivation. Sounds like one of your dc ticks both of those boxes and might therefore benefit from what a private school has to offer.

With regard to the other one, I would try to find out a bit more about how the private school would support a dc with SEN. I understand that some private schools have excellent provision while others are woeful in this regard, so it's important to find out and not assume. Having said that, a smaller environment might suit your dc better than a big comprehensive.

I still wouldn't do it though if it was going to be a real struggle financially. There are other aspects of their childhood that are also important!

ChiselandBits · 23/02/2022 08:50

Please stop telling them to move. The op has said they can't. If the money is released and handed over, it's gone, so parents' care needs would be met by the remainder and state. OP I would do it. Private is just out of my reach but I work in the sector and would send my kids if I could. So much extra going on, busy til at least 4.15, if not 6. Form groups half the size or less of state so much more individual time. BUT, all schools are different. Take time to look round thoroughly, send your kids for taster days if they do them nearer the time. Ask to visit on a normal day.

UsernameInTheTown · 23/02/2022 08:59

Self defence classes and private tutoring as required.

Pyewhacket · 23/02/2022 09:00

My daughter was being violently attacked at her school and the only solution was to send her to local independent. Expensive but the difference in the standard of education was stark. Best thing I ever did for her.

FiveShelties · 23/02/2022 09:00

@ChiselandBits - having spent time looking for a care home for my Dad with dementia, there is not a chance I would want any relative of mine depending on the state for their care. If you have to rely on state funded care they will stick you anywhere.

CityMumma78 · 23/02/2022 09:03

Your DH is being unreasonable - Of course a private education is better but the bottom line is you can’t afford it! To ask your parents to release equity from their home isn’t something I would do nor would I sacrifice holidays and family days out for the next 12 years as kids need experiences outside of school and good memories. If your local school is as bad as you say then move house!

rookiemere · 23/02/2022 09:06

Can you up your income at all ? Or can either of you get a job at the school as it halves the fees usually?

PumpkinPie2016 · 23/02/2022 09:09

It's a tricky one OP!

Have you been to visit the state school? I assume you have but of not, can you try to arrange a visit for during the day? That way, you can see what lessons look like ‐ are they calm a purposeful? what are the corridors like at lesson change over? If your dc has an additional need, what provision will there be? It may be that it would be OK.

I can understand you looking at private and if you visit the state school and it is awful, you could do it. It's a big sacrifice though!

HotWaterAndLemon · 23/02/2022 09:10

Really it'll be 3/4years when it's a major scrimp and the cost is highest when both DC are there. Then it goes down again
On this basis I’d go for the private option.

Hb12 · 23/02/2022 09:12

Tbh, I think it would be beyond cheeky to effectively remortgage your parents' house when you are not prepared to move.

Jamnation · 23/02/2022 09:17

Go and talk to the SENCos at both. There are pluses and minuses to private school for children with SEN. It can be transformative and successful but it can also leave them with people who don't have much knowledge, experience or motivation to help. A private school can turn round at any point and say your child is no longer welcome, and some will simply do this rather than put changes in place to meet needs. At state school there should at least be an ethos that the child has a right to a place there, and an effort to meet their needs.

SartresSoul · 23/02/2022 09:26

I wasn’t aware any school could ‘dodge’ OFSTED.

That aside, no I wouldn’t do this. My DH went to private school, as did his sister and his parents really couldn’t afford it. They both worked their arses off and got into a lot of debt to make it work but DH and SIL were always the poor kids in school so they stood out. You do stand out at a 12k per year school when you don’t live in a mansion and your parents don’t drive a sports car. I’m not kidding when I say someone was dropped off at DH’s school in a fucking helicopter… DH was regularly left embarrassed by his Dad’s old Mercedes and DH couldn’t have the latest flashy trainers or designer clothes because his parents used all of their money on school fees.

DH has since said he’d have much preferred to go to the local state school. His parents were relatively wealthy compared to the national average, both earned a decent living but when you’re shelling out 24k a year just on school fees it doesn’t go far.

eca80 · 23/02/2022 09:31

@Namechangeroo1234

We can't move. The in-laws don't have any mortgage, it would basically be our inheritance. So, it would be paid back then.
I am baffled by all the ‘just move’ responses- like it is ever that simple given vagaries in both catchment and housing market, never mind personal/occupational constraints!
StormzyinaTCup · 23/02/2022 09:31

We were in a similar position a few years back where it was doable but tight so we decided against going down the private route. It did enable us to be able to afford extra curricular activities (and a bit of extra tutoring at one point) which opened up a whole other friendship group particularly for DD.

At the time we were looking mortgage interest rates were very low, we had regular pay rises and general cost of living was lower. Right now it's looking like everything is going to be getting more expensive (inc probably private school fees) and I'd be very nervous making that sort of financial commitment now and I would have hated to have had to remove DC out of private and into state in teenage years.

I certainly wouldn't be comfortable with my parents releasing equity from their house for this.

lightnesspixie · 23/02/2022 09:32

Can't you compromise and move house to a better state school?

Andoffwego · 23/02/2022 09:38

Send them to the state school and use a proportion of your disposable income to add to their opportunities - private tutors, music lessons, trips away and so on. You can’t afford private and it is completely unreasonable to cover your parents to foot some of the bill. They could end up needing care homes for a long time.

eca80 · 23/02/2022 09:42

@lightnesspixie

Can't you compromise and move house to a better state school?
As per multiple previous responses, moving is not an option
Meanorisitme · 23/02/2022 09:46

You can't afford private school.
Bullying occurs everywhere
Deprived schools can offer increased opportunities such as Oxbridge outreach programmes which aim to equalise inequality. If your children are bright they have a good chance.
You are viewing this in a very black and white way. i have done the same in the past but it really will be fine whatever you choose.
But I would pay for extra curricular activities and tutors if necessary whilst having culturally enriching holidays, rathet than skint yourself.
Remember private schools do not just charge fees. It is costly trips and expensive uniforms. Keeping up with more affluent peers.
I went to a comp like this and did fine academically, got 1st classes at RG unis. It really will be fine at the comp if you are supportive at home. Do not just associate it will bullying being rife. In my experience the private schools can also be rife, and there it is an entitled rife around money, and there is a chance it can target people for being poor, I have heard of this at uni with public school criticising state school students. Teach the kids to be confident and secure and they can do well anywhere

Bogofftosomewherehot · 23/02/2022 09:47

The fact you say 12 years indicates your children aren't even secondary school age.
So what about state primary which gives you a few years breathing space and time to save?

I find it hard to believe that if you're in the UK it's really 20 miles between secondary schools, but am prepared to be corrected.

Original poster
Namechangeroo1234 · 23/02/2022 09:49

Just to clarify- it's not that we're not prepared to move- we can't move.....
We haven't asked parents to pay, they've offered. We hadn't considered it as too expensive, they bought the idea to the table. Their property is sizable and no mortgage, so the percentage is quite safe- for them, they could afford more but then it would be a risk to them. With regard care in later life, it's already arranged so to speak. The reason they offered was because we would get the money at some point anyway, they wanted to help with education of their grandkids.

OP posts:
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