To wonder is it worth it??

[Namechangeroo1234]

DH and I just had a bust up over what's best.

We have 2 DC. We've explored them going into private education. We can't afford it alone. I applied for bursary. Got a small one, very grateful but we'd still struggle. Parents have offered to release funds from their house. Which does make it doable. However we'd be tight for cash for next 12 years. We wouldn't be able to save/holiday etc.

We only have 1 secondary school nearby, and it's really got a bad rep, bullying is rife and the teachers struggle. somehow they've dodged Ofsted for last 8 years, apparently because the became an academy?!?

Our choice - sacrifice a financially comfortable life for a while- and give children a good educational experience.

Or live comfortably, afford the children experiences outside of school, but they attend an awful school.

DH thinks private. Aibu to wonder if it's really worth it?

The fact that you can only do this is if parents release money from their home means you can’t afford it. No matter the rest of the figures you do or how tightly squeezed you will be, it’s essentially taking on a massive loan. It’s alright saying it’s inheritance now rather than later but what if they die sooner than expected? What if they develop care needs? What if the house sale in the future doesn’t meet the expected value?

I couldn’t do it to my parents nor would I accept their offer. I’d go with the state secondary and supplement with private tuition and experiences.

@Bogofftosomewherehot

The fact you say 12 years indicates your children aren't even secondary school age. So what about state primary which gives you a few years breathing space and time to save?

I find it hard to believe that if you're in the UK it's really 20 miles between secondary schools, but am prepared to be corrected.

12 years- oldest starts secondary in sept. Youngest starts 4 years later. It's also assuming they did 6th form, although they may not.

Please be corrected, with out giving my location away, we're 6miles from any form of shop and that's a tiny village store!! Very rural. It's small towns with one secondary each. It's just how it is here. I actually think there's more independent schools than state, which is frustrating.

I’d go for the worse school and having a decent life style.

I’d move if feasible to an area with better schools, but if that wasn’t possible I’d just send them to the local one, despite its reputation. Kids can still do well at a not so good school and to me taking them on family holidays, being able to do clubs, helping them out with their first car or uni fees is much more important that private school.

Private school is a nice luxury if you can easily afford it. But it’s a lifestyle choice and not a necessity. Most children go to state school and do just fine, even if their state school isn’t amazing.

Could you apply to a better school out of area if they have places. Means more travelling

Sorry that you're between a rock and a hard place on this one - it sounds like a very difficult decision.

Personally, I would try the local school first and move them to private if it's as bad as you think it is. The stress of living only just within your means will affect your kids' wellbeing, and I don't think private school is a magic wand. Also, private schools have the resources to hide their flaws better than state schools - it doesn't necessarily mean they don't have any.

Please be corrected, with out giving my location away, we're 6miles from any form of shop and that's a tiny village store!! Very rural. It's small towns with one secondary each. It's just how it is here. I actually think there's more independent schools than state, which is frustrating

This sounds a bit like my area. One of the schools has a bad rep and has recently been struggling, I know some kids who have left due to recent troubles. My HPC team lead still fully intendeds to send her DC there though. But there are other schools, 2 decent ones in the nearby town and another in another village/small town about 10 miles away which lots of the kids attend as it’s an outstanding school. They just have to pay for the bus rather than it being free. Are you certain OP that there aren’t other viable state options as even in our rural area there’s never the choice of just one school.

Sorry that should be HCP. My brain isn’t working this morning.

Give it a go. You can always change your mind if it's just too hard. While only one is going, can you save some money to make it more bearable when both are there?

Why did this only come to fruition now if your oldest is 12...

You do;n't have to go private all the way through. My sons were at a private nursery/school from 3 to 11. It worked well for us as we both worked long hours and they were able to stay late with the boarders if we were working into the evening. They really acquired self discipline due to the values the school promoted, I never had to chivvy either of them about doing homework. They also had huge grounds and a little wood to play in, lots of sport and the teachers and other pupils were lovely. At 11 mine went on to a state grammar where they did better than those of their friends who stayed in the private sector. Might this work for you?

Your area sounds similar to mine. We live in a semi-rural town with one state secondary & one private school. The state secondary has been 'Requires Improvement' for the past 6 years. Most parents locally says they don't want to send their kids there, but most can't afford the private school either.
There is an Outstanding Secondary in the next catchment/county but it's oversubscribed & hasn't had OFSTED for 9 years; there is another Good Secondary in another town but it too hasn't had OFSTED for 10 years as it was converted into an Academy. Plus it's a fair drive away.
So for us, we can't afford the private school & don't have the lifestyle to match; but we could move to be in catchment for another school but have decided to stick it out & provide our DC with the extra curricular help & decent lifestyle we can afford.
What are your DCs peers doing? Are they going to the state or private?

Use the money to buy in a good catchment? Then at least you've got an asset at the end of it...

I feel for you, what a tough one especially as moving isn't an option. I would say go for state but it seems like the state option is very, very bad. Rife bullying coupled with a shy and reserved child is a disaster itself. Along with teachers who are struggling, what quality of education would your kids be leaving with? Would you honestly look back and regret that? Otoh, barely making the fees and no holidays for 12 years just seem depressing and stressful. Hate to ask, but can you really not think of a way out of your living situation? Rent out your house, rent somewhere else?

One thing - don’t look at the grades for the private school, especially if it’s one where the kids may have to sit an exam. Look at the “progress 8 data” if you can find it. (It’s notoriously hard to find!!)

Basically that’s the data that shows his good the teachers are. Straight high grades across the board mean nothing if all the students there were predicted them anyway as likely they would’ve got them at any school. You want to see if kids who started at a low grade were pushed to achieve more!

Meant to be “where kids have to sit an exam to get in”

We live rural and I would absolutely think about moving somewhere less so in these circumstances.

However, if you can’t do that I agree with PP give the state school a try first. You might be surprised. Bullying happens everywhere unfortunately.

Lots of people go to state schools with a bad rep (myself included!) and come out with good qualifications and jobs. It doesn’t sound like you can afford the private school and I certainly wouldn’t be skinting myself for 12 years without trying the other option first.

hmmm very tricky situation, reading your messages OP, I would go for private. I tend to have an optimistic outlook regarding money and think finances can/will/may get better; inheritance, pay rises, new job, bonuses etc.

Can you and DH do anything at weekends? My DH is a footie ref which brings in around £75 extra a week.

However, the deal breaker for me would be kids going to a poor state school. That would stress me out more.

How old are the DC? Schools can change quickly with a change in their leadership team.
And what is it about the school that is so awful? What you think is awful might not actually affect your children's experience and outcome all that much.

There's a lot more to the cost of private school than just the annual fees and not all private schools are good schools either.

I'd use the private school money to fund good extra-curricular experiences for your DC's, or tutors if that should become necessary.

I know it was a million years ago but my experience of being the poorest kid in a private school was not a happy one.
I was able to go because my parents gave up their modern hose to go back to share with Grandparents and they helped with fees.
No don't try please. You have thought through the alternatives. Make sure DC gets extra planned tuition if needed AND more fun outings.

Do you mean the nearest secondary school is rubbish? Is there any schools slightly further that are better? And if so what would the journey time be?

At least half the people I know who went to private school would have been a lot better off if their parents had just saved up the money they were going to spend on fees and then given it to them as adults in the form of a huge house deposit. Their expensive education hasn’t resulted in anything beyond the mediocrity they probably would have achieved at state school anyway. Honestly, I’d always see that as the better leg up in life you can give your kid, unless they have particularly amazing gifts or talents that a specialist private school can nurture.

A few questions - how are your parents releasing equity? Please don’t let them consider equity release.

As for costs, have you considered costs for all the uniforms, sports kit, clubs and activities. It’s eye watering on top of school fees. Most schools have a second hand uniform shop which is brilliant, but add on all the Sport equipment and it soon adds up. Clubs can be free but some charge. Can you find out from other parents how much the spend on these items over 12 months?

Just make sure you can cover it all and more and still live. I get what you mean about local state options, schooling is a real lottery depending on where you live.

@ballerinaqueen

Do you mean the nearest secondary school is rubbish? Is there any schools slightly further that are better? And if so what would the journey time be?

Our next nearest is 20 miles away. It's not great either, so if to compare you just as well send them closer.

Kids can excel even in a rough school if there is family support - you can spend on tutors if necessary. Also bright kids from rough schools do better at University than hot housed private school kids. The only danger is that kids can get swayed by their peers in their attitude to studying.

Lots of helpful views here, thank you!

Im leaning towards sending them state to start with, see how we go. It might- like some have suggested- be ok! If not, will consider our options again.