Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder why people get with deadbeat dads

237 replies

WobbleMolly · 22/02/2022 21:16

So ex was abusive + cheating. We separated with one child. He moved to another country and the child maintenance people could never get hold of him. He's contributed a grand total of about £50 towards his child's upbringing since we separated. Does not keep in touch even though I've never said 'no calls' or anything.

His sister and parents send birthday and Christmas cards but nothing else. And he remembers maybe every other year, no gift, just a text to dc. Just a full on deadbeat dad.

So he's got a new partner got married and they've had a child.

Who knows what he said about me. Obviously only the two people in the relationship know the full truth.

But you know he's got a child (he used to put pics on Facebook when we were together & me & his new partner have a few mutual acquaintances). And you know £0 of the household budget is going to pay for the child he already has.

But if he's said 'I'm not allowed see my child." Where's the paperwork showing you've tried to get visitation? Even a letter from a visit to a lawyer.

I would love to understand the mental gymnastics of why a person would be with a man who doesn't take care of his kids.

Even if they've been told "ex is a harpy who said I can't see the kids", that doesn't mean not paying for them. And even someone on minimum wage, after a few years can scrape together money for a lawyer to get visitation.

Yes, I sound bitter - I am. He is awful, but I also feel she disgusted by the people who partner with such men in full knowledge of their deadbeatness (that's a word now).

OP posts:
Original poster
WobbleMolly · 23/02/2022 14:21

@bluedodecagon

How am I trying to make myself look better or rewrite history?

He was not a monster I was writing to on death row, and then got surprised that he's 'not very nice?'

We grew up in a small community. I was friends with his sister, I was friends with him too from about age 16 and we went out in groups together, funny, charming. We became a couple a few years later, and when I got pregnant he stopped being charming and lovely.

My question is about when you are with a person who you know has kids but expends zero effort to their care, how can you be in a relationship with them. And I've had some really enlightening answers.

OP posts:
nagsarse · 23/02/2022 14:42

My very lovely, very intelligent friend ended up with one of these men. When they met she knew he had a child who lived with his ex and assumed he spent time with the child when they were not together. As their relationship got more serious he gradually fed her a story about his ex being jealous that he had moved on and making it difficult for him to see his child, then that ex and child had moved away. He told her he's spoken to lawyers etc but the fighting and arguments were too upsetting for his child so even though it broke his heart he agreed not to push for access- and that as part of this his ex had agreed that he didn't need to pay her any maintenance. He also claimed that instead of maintenance he was putting money in to an account each month to be given to the child on his 18th birthday to pay for university/deposit on a house or whatever he needed at the time. He and his family rarely mentioned the child- as he said he found it all too upsetting. He was very good at seeming to be a wonderful, caring father who was prevented from seeing his child by a crazy ex.

It was only when they had a child together that she started to see the truth. He treated her badly, cheated on her and eventually left her. He claimed he didn't think the child was his, as a way to try to get out of paying anything and to explain why he didn't want to see the child. it became apparent that the fund she thought was for this other child was actually his exit fund.

Mogul · 23/02/2022 14:44

@wobblemolly My question is about when you are with a person who you know has kids but expends zero effort to their care, how can you be in a relationship with them. And I've had some really enlightening answers.

My OH isn't in this situation but it wouldn't bother me if he was because I'm not with him for his parenting I'm with him for his relationship skills, if they were sub par it would be a different answer

Babyroobs · 23/02/2022 14:51

@RoseGoldEagle

I think you’re being a bit unfair. There are lots of people that would look at you in your original relationship with him and think- how does someone end up having a child with someone like that, surely there must have been signs of how abusive and awful he was long before that point? And presumably you’d argue there weren’t and he changed after you had kids etc? But can’t you see how you judging her is the same thing?
Exactly this ! You fell for him and must have thought he would make a good dad, but someone else can't think the same?
Original poster
WobbleMolly · 23/02/2022 14:55

@babyroobs

If someone told you they were a good driver, and they showed you their licence, you would probably get into their car when they offered you a lift.

You don't have evidence to the contrary.

But if, parked in their front garden was their car, all smashed up and a write off from a serious accident, you might think twice.

A young, unmarried man without kids is not the same as a man with kids when you are thinking about getting into a relationship.

OP posts:
Highwind · 23/02/2022 14:55

[quote Mogul]@wobblemolly My question is about when you are with a person who you know has kids but expends zero effort to their care, how can you be in a relationship with them. And I've had some really enlightening answers.

My OH isn't in this situation but it wouldn't bother me if he was because I'm not with him for his parenting I'm with him for his relationship skills, if they were sub par it would be a different answer[/quote]
This is exactly it for me as well.

I don't care how or why he is failing anyone else expectations of him, as long as he isn't failing mine.

Original poster
WobbleMolly · 23/02/2022 15:00

But @mogul & @highwind doesn't that speak to his character to you? He's let down his own children, so why do you think he won't let you down too? Maybe when you are sick or at a vulnerable time?

It's like taking on an employee who was fired for stealing at their last job. Maybe they've learnt their lesson or maybe they are a habitual thief. Why not hire one of the other people you interviewed who were just as good?

OP posts:
Macademiamum · 23/02/2022 15:01

My ex claimed to be a victim of parental alienation by a bitter ex partner after they had a baby together as teenagers
Now I am the bitter ex he claims made him the victim of parental alienation (again) after we had a baby together in our thirties.
He claimed to be fighting it in the court to get contact (wasn't) & claimed he would fight me in court to get contact (didn't).
He is having a baby with somebody else now. I will never fall for that again. He was an abusive violent POS that's why he doesn't have contact with his kids.

lunar1 · 23/02/2022 15:04

Have you seen this shit on here people will believe or behaviour they will justify.

The ex was lazy, she did nothing, just sat on her arse with 5 month old twins and was having an affair...

She was abusive, neglectful, shit mum and wife...

We were living separate lives, hadn't had sex in 5 years, she's alienated me from our baby and toddler and won't let me see them...

She gets her nails done every month, I'm not paying maintenance for that...

People are deliberately misinterpreting your op. It doesn't take much digging to see through the lies. Decent dads don't leave their children at the mercy of abusive mothers.

She is posting about men who are already dads and the fact that many women are happy to give them a second chance to screw up a child.

There would be court papers, solicitor meetings, money for legal fees and maintenance. If he genuinely fought for his children there would be evidence.

I will probably get a lot of criticism for this post, I've just no idea why anyone wouldn't want better for their potential children.

Original poster
WobbleMolly · 23/02/2022 15:06

@Macademiamum
(((hugs)))

And hugs to all on this thread who have been through this kind of mess.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 23/02/2022 15:15

I am also astounded at the amount of women who let a man move in with them after less than a year together. You can have a happy relationship without living together you know. So much easier to get shot of if they turn out to be a twat. I always tell new boyfriends, no living together for at least 5 years, if they don't like it they can fuck off.

SnowFlo · 23/02/2022 15:17

But I guess having a fresh new grandchild to play with is more fun than cutting off your son for not doing right by his first child.

You think his parents should cut him off and also not see their new grandchild, because he didn't bother with yours? So you are hoping for another child to end up like yours?

Original poster
WobbleMolly · 23/02/2022 15:21

SnowFlo
I meant when I went to them laying out how awful everything was (when we were still together, and also freshly separated) they did nothing. They were happy to turn a blind eye.

Now they are happy to enjoy the new family he has.

I was talking about BEFORE he was in a new relationship.

OP posts:
Highwind · 23/02/2022 15:24

@WobbleMolly

Not at all

Being a parent and being a spouse are two totally different relationships. Some people are fantastic at both.... some are shit at both. You can be great at one but not the other, why should I miss out on a wonderful partner because he found out he was a shocking father?

I don't believe people should be shamed away from being a parent because they are shit at relationships so why should a shit parent be shamed for having a relationship?

I also try to judge people only on how they treat me personally.

GreenPepperRed · 23/02/2022 15:27

He's a completely liar and has tricked this women. It happens all the time. He might even be claiming you slept around and the child isn't his. God help the woman he's tricked this time.

OfstedOffred · 23/02/2022 15:30

If you are woman number 2 your first priority is probably your own child.

I imagine there are plenty of people out there good at sticking their head in the sand about what it means for the kid living in poverty because dad doesnt pay CM, because it's extra money that stays in their own family budget going on their own child.

OfstedOffred · 23/02/2022 15:36

Also I knew two lads at school who got girlfriends pregnant at 16. One was a useless fecker for the first 2-3 years. As he matured realised that kid was his to support and did try bloody hard to fight for access and send money etc. By that point mum wanted nowt to do with him and returned all money (she had 2 more kids with new partner who was raising first as his own). He continued trying to send money throughout child's life.15 yrs later as much more mature bloke the dad met someone & got married/had family etc. First mum would probably describe him as a deadbeat. Second mum would probably consider him a teenager who got shafted with an unwanted pregnancy he couldn't cope with, and prob considered him changed.

OfstedOffred · 23/02/2022 15:37

Second lad was reverse - paid up initially then fucked off by time child was 5.

Original poster
WobbleMolly · 23/02/2022 15:39

@OfstedOffred
But if she's returning the money then that's not a deadbeat dad.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 23/02/2022 15:41

@OfstedOffred

Also I knew two lads at school who got girlfriends pregnant at 16. One was a useless fecker for the first 2-3 years. As he matured realised that kid was his to support and did try bloody hard to fight for access and send money etc. By that point mum wanted nowt to do with him and returned all money (she had 2 more kids with new partner who was raising first as his own). He continued trying to send money throughout child's life.15 yrs later as much more mature bloke the dad met someone & got married/had family etc. First mum would probably describe him as a deadbeat. Second mum would probably consider him a teenager who got shafted with an unwanted pregnancy he couldn't cope with, and prob considered him changed.
Must be nice to be able to spend the first two or three years of your child's life doing fuck all for them and still getting to be the good guy after their mother decides to keep it with the person who's proved they're reliable. And getting redemption as the flawed hero 15 years later!
SnowFlo · 23/02/2022 15:49

I meant when I went to them laying out how awful everything was (when we were still together, and also freshly separated) they did nothing. They were happy to turn a blind eye.

What did you want them to do exactly? If they "cut him off" because he wouldn't do right by you, then any future children he may have they would lose out on too, which punishes subsequent grandchildren.

Sierra259 · 23/02/2022 16:02

I haven't been in your position OP, but have definitely wondered the same. A friend of mine split up with her DH after 15+ years together and with 2 DC under 6 after he had an affair and started drinking heavily. He dicked her around for a year (still seeing the OW, but not making a decision about their family future) before she started divorce proceedings. He's now shacked up with OW who is apparently desperate for a child with him and like you I cannot imagine why she thinks he is a catch. He cheated on his wife and walked out on his 2 young kids because he didn't like the sacrifices he had to make with a young family. That would be HUGE red flags waving for me about any guy I was seeing and I don't think I could get past it.

DrSbaitso · 23/02/2022 16:11

It sounds crazy because it is, but some women think a man is more "family material" if he's already married with kids when they meet...it's proof that he is willing to do those things, unlike many others. Of course, if he ditches his family for you then that should be proof that he's totally untrustworthy, but I guess they think it's different this time because they're The One, he loved them enough to ditch Family 1, etc etc.

I didn't say it made sense but a lot of people think this way.

veevee04 · 23/02/2022 16:52

@Highwind do you not think that's a serious character flaw? If someone fucks off and abandons his flesh and blood what does that mean for you? He's likely not to want to stick around for you if the shit hit the fan , illness, loss of your job . It shows someone who is deeply selfish and can't care for others .

veevee04 · 23/02/2022 16:54

@OfstedOffred

If you are woman number 2 your first priority is probably your own child.

I imagine there are plenty of people out there good at sticking their head in the sand about what it means for the kid living in poverty because dad doesnt pay CM, because it's extra money that stays in their own family budget going on their own child.

This is it a lot of stepparents wish the first family would disappear but I wonder how they would feel if it happens to them ? A man who abandons his kids is a weak and lazy character.