Page 18 | Okay to stay out when married?

LalaOIOI · 2022-02-22T19:22:46+00:00

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with. Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that. Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do. Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6. Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/02/2022 11:12

@purplehairlady

And it is not your responsibility to change your behaviour to appease his paranoias and insecurities.

Wow. I hope no one takes advice from MN to have a lasting marriage. The advice is SO different depending on if it's a man or woman. Of course anyone should take their partner's (reasonable) insecurities into account. Why wouldn't you try to if you are truly a team?!

@purplehairlady I don’t think it would be different. I am a woman and don’t attempt to overlay my insecurities on my DP and try to curb him from going out, staying over with friends etc. I’ve also been cheated on in the past. Because I recognise that would be unfair and make me controlling/manipulative in the relationship. Yes a marriage is a team but you also should retain your individuality and own autonomy as well

ChikaCherryCola · 23/02/2022 11:18

I do think a good compromise would be the DH picking her up though, whatever the time.

I get what you're saying but I think this is shit for both parties. Even if he agreed to pick her up "any time" it's likely that op would feel like she had to limit her time out and go home before she's ready. And it's about not being able to let go and enjoy the evening because of always being conscious of the time. And for her dh, it can be really hard to enjoy a nice peaceful evening knowing you're going to be summoned to to pick up duty at some point. What if he starts getting tired and wants to go to bed? Not ideal.

It would be far easier if he just, I don't know, trusted her.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/02/2022 11:32

@SartresSoul

If my DH did this I’d assume he was cheating too. I do trust him but I know everyone is capable of being unfaithful and if he was regularly sleeping over at other people’s houses after a night out, that would be my first conclusion.

If that would be your first conclusion then you obviously don't trust him

Lovesacake · 23/02/2022 11:43

@SleepingStandingUp

I love my own company but I also love the companionship of being in relationship with someone else whose company I also enjoy. We are very busy during the week and I enjoy spending time relaxing together on a Sunday morning. I’m sorry for you if you haven’t experienced that. It’s a nice thing there's a difference between "tbh we don't get much down time so I like to spend it with DP" and "I get lonely on my oney" imo. But sure, anyone who doesn't mind a quiet Sunday morning to themselves has never known as love as sweet and pure as the love you feel 😂😂

@SleepingStandingUp is it really so difficult for you to understand that some people prefer to have a partner who doesn’t regularly go out at the weekends, drink so much that they can’t drive home and end up unexpectedly crashing at a mates house? I mean, if that’s what you look for in a partner then great, crack on but is it really beyond the realms of your imagination that not everyone wants to live with someone who does that?

Talkingmouse · 23/02/2022 11:46

How well does he know these friends? Do you ever go out with them together? Perhaps have one weekend with them all at yours for a night in and sleepover. He will be able to get to know them better, and can visualise what you get up to when you are out with them. This may help his past association that ‘a sleepover with the girls’ = fucking another guy…

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/02/2022 11:49

@Lovesacake Quite right. Some people like a partner who never leaves their side, who might have a thimble full of Sherry at Christmas and who has no friendships, hobbies or activities outside of the home and their relationship. They may be able to go out to work but have to come straight home, no developing friendships or a night out with colleagues etc. If you’re a woman and have kids that might not even be allowed as you devote yourself entirely to being a MOTHER.
It takes all sorts.

Lovesacake · 23/02/2022 11:54

@LuckySantangelo35 really? You can’t see any middle ground between the couple where one of them semi regularly goes to bed thinking their partner will be there when they wake up, only to find in the morning that the partner never came home because they ended up crashing elsewhere , and the couple who have zero friends and zero fun in their lives? You seem to be expecting that people live their lives at one of two extremes but that’s not really my experience

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/02/2022 11:58

@Lovesacake
But that seems to be the case on this thread. So many posters clutching their pearls that Op is married and has kids and still goes out, so many telling her that she should have grown out of it by now, being told that that’s not what mothers do it’s just not, that she shouldn’t be using child free time to see friends, that they themselves wouldn’t dream of sleeping anywhere other than their marital bed even at parents house, that she should let him pick her up before midnight etc etc etc.

TheUnexpectedPickle · 23/02/2022 12:00

@LalaOIOI

It's good to see though that enjoying a drink or a club with friends or staying at a friend's house once you're married or have children is

-sad
-juvenile
-teenagery
-for the attention of men.

Okayyyy.

Such a ridiculous attitude here from some people.

My mum is in her 60s and she goes out with friends all the time. She has 2 adult children and 2 GC who live with her. And she often stays at her best friends house after a night out because she lives a bit of a way from her.

Luckily my DP, like yours, is a reasonable normal human who doesn’t mind me going out. He even- shocker- goes out too!!

I think the answer is just to reassure him that you’re not his ex. Getting in a huff isn’t acceptable though

Lovesacake · 23/02/2022 12:03

@LuckySantangelo35 I disagree, I see a lot of people who are saying socialising is normal, going out is normal, seeing other people is normal, but FOR THEM the norm would either be to come home at the end of the evening, or stay out if it’s been planned that way, and that FOR THEM it wouldn’t be a normal part of a weekend to go out for the evening expecting to come home, and then after their partner has gone to bed for the night decide to crash somewhere else. In my view to do that is clearly not a heinous crime but equally I would choose not to be in a relationship with someone who does that on a semi regular basis because I know I wouldn’t like it. I just don’t get that how that translates into the rather extreme accusation that I must lead a joyless life with no friends outside of my relationship

ChikaCherryCola · 23/02/2022 12:06

is it really so difficult for you to understand that some people prefer to have a partner who doesn’t regularly go out at the weekends, drink so much that they can’t drive home and end up unexpectedly crashing at a mates house?

You painting a picture of her that I think is quite unfair. She goes out with friends, who she moved away from to live with her dh. No doubt when she loved locally she would just return home at the endmof the night. It's not unreasonable for her to continue seeing her friends, and not unreasonable for her to stay over. Even two drinks can render someone illegal to drive so she doesn't have to be completely slaughtered.

Though I agree that the unexpected nature of it could be annoying. So my advice would be to go out with the intention of staying over, then everyone knows where they stand. She can always choose not to drink and return home instead.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/02/2022 12:08

I can see why he might be a bit weird about it if his ex wife used that as an excuse to cheat however that isn't your issue, it's his and he needs to deal with it not put it on you. Often times when i go out DH collects me and vice versa as we live a very very expensive cab ride away from where we'd normally meet friends for drinks. If that wasn't an option neither of us would have any issue with the other staying with a friend

MajesticallyAwkward · 23/02/2022 12:09

I don't even stay over at my parents. Since getting married, we make it a priority to spend time together and get ready for bed. Never would I consider staying somewhere else and not being in the same bed as him, neither does he

That is truly terrifying codependency.

I do know a RL couple like this, won't be apart other. They shower together so as not to 'get lonely'. The dw once said she didn't feel the need to be her own person away from the dh.
I feel genuinely bad for anyone who has so little independence, that's not a healthy relationship.

TheUnexpectedPickle · 23/02/2022 12:11

@MajesticallyAwkward

I don't even stay over at my parents. Since getting married, we make it a priority to spend time together and get ready for bed. Never would I consider staying somewhere else and not being in the same bed as him, neither does he

That is truly terrifying codependency.

I do know a RL couple like this, won't be apart other. They shower together so as not to 'get lonely'. The dw once said she didn't feel the need to be her own person away from the dh.
I feel genuinely bad for anyone who has so little independence, that's not a healthy relationship.

Oh god.

I feel suffocated just reading that!

Scout2016 · 23/02/2022 12:14

The real issue is that OP's husband still doesn't trust her, after 6 years together.

And, that he brought baggage into the relationship and still hasn't got over it. At least 6 years on. I think maybe he could do with some counselling.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/02/2022 12:22

@MajesticallyAwkward

I don't even stay over at my parents. Since getting married, we make it a priority to spend time together and get ready for bed. Never would I consider staying somewhere else and not being in the same bed as him, neither does he

That is truly terrifying codependency.

I do know a RL couple like this, won't be apart other. They shower together so as not to 'get lonely'. The dw once said she didn't feel the need to be her own person away from the dh.
I feel genuinely bad for anyone who has so little independence, that's not a healthy relationship.

Good grief!!

MajesticallyAwkward · 23/02/2022 12:25

@TheUnexpectedPickle I once spent a weekend in an air bnb with them before I knew the extent of the cringe. After 6 hours of them constantly touching and rubbing each other the tequila was opened and someone was sent for more booze. They have to be in physical contact at all times 🤢

I have never been more thankful for my own relationship and dh that has never had an issue doing our thing... and respects my lone showering needs

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/02/2022 12:29

I don't even stay over at my parents. Since getting married, we make it a priority to spend time together and get ready for bed. Never would I consider staying somewhere else and not being in the same bed as him, neither does he

This is really unhealthy. And also shit for your other loved ones - I would feel so sad if my sibling wouldn't stay over unless it was convenient for their partner to join them, or if I had adult children who wouldn't do so. I would be concerned about them. It just seems so unnecessarily codependent.

In a healthy, secure relationship there's no reason to sort of prove a point by literally never staying anywhere without your partner. I understand posters saying they prefer to sleep with their partner or sleep badly when they're apart etc but to say you literally never stay anywhere without them, even with your parents, is incredibly unhealthy.

I also always worry about what couples like this do when the first of them passes away.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/02/2022 12:34

They shower together so as not to 'get lonely'.

Ah stop, they do not?!

Mistressiggi · 23/02/2022 12:38

drink so much that they can’t drive home
There is no safe limit for drinking alcohol and then driving, fgs!

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/02/2022 12:43

“They shower together so as not to 'get lonely'.”
So they shit together as well so as not to get lonely?

Mistressiggi · 23/02/2022 12:47

The shower thing reminds me of that Beautiful South song, We Are Eachother
"It's too close for a lover; We are each other"

MajesticallyAwkward · 23/02/2022 12:49

@LuckySantangelo35

“They shower together so as not to 'get lonely'.” So they shit together as well so as not to get lonely?

I've seen them go for a wee together but the dw cried when questioned about it. Neither of them think it's strange 🤷🏼‍♀️

Chonfox · 23/02/2022 12:50

I do know a RL couple like this, won't be apart other. They shower together so as not to 'get lonely'...they have to be in physical contact at all times.

WTactualF?! I have an aunt who is completely codependent on her husband - in the same manner of that poster who won't countenance sleeping anywhere but the marital bed. However even that's a step too far for her! I know a few women who won't go anywhere without their husbands. It stems from insecurity and sometimes control on the husband's behalf. In all cases the women are considerably more physically attractive than their partners. It's sad and quite frankly a bit pathetic to watch when these grown women won't even drive anywhere on their own without their male chaperone.

PixieLaLa · 23/02/2022 12:51

sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something

YABU (in my opinion) and I can understand why your DH would not be happy about this, but you don’t seem to like anyone expressing that

I'm 28 and we have children

It was this post that gave the impression you had DC together FYI