Okay to stay out when married?

[LalaOIOI]

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

So he doesn't trust you then does he

Wow, this is a thread and a half.

When I was 28 I was still getting pissed sleeping on friends sofa's overnight. But I digress, that is not the point I wanted to make.

There's absolutely no problem with you going out with friends and sleeping over at their house occasionally. The problem here is it is not occasional! If you do this 2 weekends a month, that's at least 40% of the weekends you have!
Could you not reach some sort of compromise with your husband? I actually feel for the guy, he's not stopping you from doing anything but he is a little uncomfortable with it, and you doing it as often as you are is quite insensitive...can you see that?

No issue with you going out having fun or staying at friends houses but respect is a 2 way street. He should sort his trust issues out but you should meet him halfway. Nothing sexist or outdated about that.

If that means coming home after a night out, then thats the compromise. Its only 30 minutes, its not like its hours away anyway.
I don't think you understand the meaning of the word "compromise" @Bookworm20

He does not sound in the least controlling to me. He sounds like a bloke who was shit on by his ex, and is just anxious about his new wife wanting to do the exact thing that later turned into what was quite probably his worst fear.
It is highly controlling to sulk & stonewall for a full day because you object to your partner's entirely reasonable social life.
We see it here all the time - bloke is "insecure", so woman has to do as he says, or he gets arsey.
One of the definitions of abuse is when one party changes their normal behaviours purely to appease the other party.

If his mistrust of his wife is so deep that he needs to stonewall her for a day, he needs to work on his issues, not control his wife.

If you do this 2 weekends a month, that's at least 40% of the weekends you have!

FFS will PP ever read the fucking thread before going forensic on OP's arse?

She goes out once or twice a month, & stays at her mate's house for fewer than half of those occasions @again2020.
Her DH relishes having their home to himself. He has absolutely no problem with her social life per se. Just a weird fixation that she can only be unfaithful to him when sleeping at her mate's house, so this is the time he wants to police & control.

No issue with you going out having fun or staying at friends houses but respect is a 2 way street.
Dandy. But ...
He should sort his trust issues out but you should meet him halfway.
... how on earth can OP "meet him halfway" on this point?
Pitch a tent at the exact equidistance between her & her mate's house, & sleep there?
Do you reckon that'd fix it?

Not halfway literally 😳🤣
I meant staying at a friends fewer times than she does now, to reach a compromise with her husband.
That will still be a few times a year.

It is currently 6 - 8 times a year @again2020

Are you seriously positing that reducing that to, say, 3 - 4 times a year is going to magically cure the DH's insecurity & sulking?

The stark fact is that if someone wants to cheat.Then. They. Will. Cheat. End of.

Trying to curtail their opportunities to cheat will make zero difference to the outcome, if cheating is what they want to do.

Plus, it's incredibly disrespectful that the OP's DH thinks she will likely cheat if given half an opportunity. WTAF? I am a woman of my word, when I spoke my marriage vows I meant every single word of them with all of my heart. I have never, and will never cheat on my DH. He knows this because he knows me.

I couldn't be with DH if he thought so little of me, so little of my integrity, that I would merrily fall on to the nearest available penis the moment he was out of sight. I am better than that, and he knows that, else he wouldn't be with me either.

Yes yabu.
If you want to live the single life then separate.
Presumably you can tell the time and know when it's getting late,get yourself home.
Don't drink every time you are with your friends.
Certainly go out but act like an adult not an 18 year old with no responsibilities.Have fun,but go home.

@KarmaStar

Yes yabu. If you want to live the single life then separate. Presumably you can tell the time and know when it's getting late,get yourself home. Don't drink every time you are with your friends. Certainly go out but act like an adult not an 18 year old with no responsibilities.Have fun,but go home.

This is a ridiculous post.

Married people are never allowed to stay away on their own? Who made this a rule? I don’t remember it from my vows.

It actively does our relationship good to have time apart as well as time together. Dh is currently out with his friends while I’m home. It’s great.

Yes yabu.
If you want to live the single life then separate.
Presumably you can tell the time and know when it's getting late,get yourself home.
Don't drink every time you are with your friends.
Certainly go out but act like an adult not an 18 year old with no responsibilities.Have fun,but go home.

Responsibility to who exactly? Did you even read the OP’s post?

@KarmaStar

Yes yabu. If you want to live the single life then separate. Presumably you can tell the time and know when it's getting late,get yourself home. Don't drink every time you are with your friends. Certainly go out but act like an adult not an 18 year old with no responsibilities.Have fun,but go home.

Yes mummy. Sorry mummy. Only your life choices are valid mummy. We all see that now. Thank you for your wisdom mummy.

*posts

Going to guess not with that answer.

This thread is ridiculous!

I have actually read OP's posts and completely agree that she should be able to stay at a friend's house on the rare occasions she mentions this might happen.

It's actually quite sad to see so many people think being a parent or husband/wife means you're not allowed to have time out with friends and away from the responsibilities when you're children are elsewhere!

OP, I do think you need to have a proper talk with him about his trust issues - if that's what this is all about. He can't have it both ways - being unwilling to pick you up when you're ready to leave (even if later than 12) but also not happy when you stay the night out. You're a grown woman and the fact that you have a husband does not mean you're not allowed to spend a night away from him! What if it was needed for your work? Would PPs still be so mortally offended by it? Just because PPs wouldn't choose to do it, it doesn't mean you're wrong.

@LalaOIOI I have no idea why/how you have attracted such a bunch of weirdos to your thread

I am a respectable, professional woman as are my friends. We go out about once a month and the two of the group who have moved away from home town will sometimes stay over at one of our houses. Nobody's DH complains, they are too busy having a Play Station night/watching shit films.

I don't want to give anyone palpitations, but we also go on holiday together about twice a year. Totally fucking normal.

@KarmaStar

Yes yabu. If you want to live the single life then separate. Presumably you can tell the time and know when it's getting late,get yourself home. Don't drink every time you are with your friends. Certainly go out but act like an adult not an 18 year old with no responsibilities.Have fun,but go home.

Mother of god, what the fuck is this.

Eh, I'm middle aged woman, with a successful career and adult children. NOBODY tells me to "go home".

Seriously what the hell is wrong with some folks.

If that means coming home after a night out, then thats the compromise. Its only 30 minutes, its not like its hours away anyway.

How is that a compromise? It’s exactly what the dh wants her to do.

The compromise is she goes out at least once or twice a month with zero issues from her DP, he picks her up when she is able to come home before midnight. He just asks that she comes home by cab after midnight. He does not in any way stop her from going out. And to be honest, its pretty fucking often.

THAT is the compromise.

where is OP compromising? She still gets her one or two piss ups a month with her mates, gets picked up when shes ready to come home before midnight. But she isn't prepared to compromise on getting a cab instead of crashing at a mates. There is ZERO compromise here from the OP.

The bloke was cheated on. No, not by OP, but he was cheated on by his wife saying she was staying at friends. Why the fuck would anyone who loves this man want to fuel his anxiety over that just to be so selfish as to not come home after their nights out on the town with their mates knowing their partners past experience of this.

if my DP was anxious about me staying out, for whatever reason (but lets face it OP's DH has a bloody good reason) I'd not stay out if it was that important to him. Its not about control or me not being able to do 'what I want, when I want' its about respect and care for the person you love. I get to have a great night out with my friends, he stays secure knowing I'm coming home again.

Compromise.

The compromise is she goes out at least once or twice a month with zero issues from her DP, he picks her up when she is able to come home before midnight.

That is not a compromise. That is giving in to doing exactly what the dh wants her to do. Didn’t you read the op’s posts? Didn’t you read mine?

Compromise doesn’t just mean capitulating to what your unreasonable partner wants.

Yes he was cheated on. It was not by the op. He needs to get over it and trust her when she’s not given him the slightest reason to think she’s cheating.

I get to have a great night out with my friends, he stays secure knowing I'm coming home again.

My compromise would be be would know I was staying with a friend and would be coming home in the morning.

The bloke was cheated on. No, not by OP, but he was cheated on by his wife saying she was staying at friends. Why the fuck would anyone who loves this man want to fuel his anxiety over that just to be so selfish as to not come home after their nights out on the town with their mates knowing their partners past experience of this.

Why would someone who lives their wife want them to never stay over at their friends’ houses because their ex was a cheater?

Its not about control or me not being able to do 'what I want, when I want' its about respect and care for the person you love.

It’s not respectful or caring to think your wife is going to cheat on you because your ex did. That’s a lack of trust and what is the point of being in a relationship, a marriage, if you don’t trust the person you chose to be with.

His anxiety is something he should have therapy for not an excuse to control his partner

Bloody hell , it's not the 1950s. Go out , stay out if you want. 🍹🍾🍷

@KarmaStar

Yes yabu. If you want to live the single life then separate. Presumably you can tell the time and know when it's getting late,get yourself home. Don't drink every time you are with your friends. Certainly go out but act like an adult not an 18 year old with no responsibilities.Have fun,but go home.

@KarmaStar haha you cannot be serious! I’m presuming you’re joking but if you’re not….wow, what a killjoy you sound!

I hate it when I have to clock watch on a night out. You can't let your hair down and fully enjoy yourself. That said, my nights out are rarer, say once every two or three months.
I think a reasonable compromise is to plan to stay out, so at least he's not wondering if you'll be back or not.

@Bookworm20

Its totally understandable to want to go out with your mates, let off steam, talk crap, drink and have fun and then flop on a mates couch so as not to bother with the journey home. Pretty sure most of us have done that.

Your DH has no issues with your going out and having fun. Brilliant. he also picks you up on occasion. Brilliant. sounds like he does realise you enjoy your nights out and has no issues with them. And doesn't even mind if its a couple times a month. I'd say thats pretty good going for a parent and don't blame you for taking advantage of childfree time to do this, especially as DH likes his time on his own too.

But...... and heres the but.

You have chosen to be in a relationship with someone who was cheated on by his previous wife, and this was done by 'staying out at friends houses'. And yes, of course thats his hangup and something he has to deal with, but none the less you know this has happened in his past and that he is likely feeling insecure and anxious about you doing the same.

Chosing to be in a relationship with someone with something like this is their past, is something you need to take into account and not just go 'well its his issue, so nothing to do with me'. (which I am not saying you are doing, but some on this thread have this attitude). I'm a firm believer that in a relationship you each take on responsibility for the other. not in terms of physical silly stuff, but in terms of emotional wellbeing. I want my partner to be happy and vice versa. There may be times input isn't always 50/50. sometimes it might be 80/20 if one of you is having a rough time or struggling with something. My partners happiness isn't my sole responsibility, but I contribute to it and wouldn't want to purposely do things which I knew would make him unhappy.

It doesn't sound like he is accusing you of anything. Sounds like he has this thought at the back of his mind mostly under control as he has no issues with you going out. But I really do think you need to meet him half way on this one and realise that this insecurity is always going to be at the back of his mind, more so when you are out staying at friends - the exact thing his wife was doing when cheating. and if its something you can not make any worse for him, then surely thats what you would want to do.

If that means coming home after a night out, then thats the compromise. Its only 30 minutes, its not like its hours away anyway.

sounds like you get to have quite frequent nights out. Given the history with him, just go home. Surely him feeling secure in your relationship is much more important than your inconvenience getting a cab home after a great fun night out.

He does not sound in the least controlling to me. He sounds like a bloke who was shit on by his ex, and is just anxious about his new wife wanting to do the exact thing that later turned into what was quite probably his worst fear.

@Bookworm20 Nah. the DH just needs to get over it. Acceptance goes both ways. He married her knowing she is more extroverted than him and needs more of a social life. OP shouldn’t have to change her completely reasonable behaviour in order to appease his anxieties - that’s his shit to sort