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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Okay to stay out when married?

554 replies

LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:22

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

OP posts:
SexyLittleNosferatu · 23/02/2022 20:03

@KarmaStar

Yes yabu. If you want to live the single life then separate. Presumably you can tell the time and know when it's getting late,get yourself home. Don't drink every time you are with your friends. Certainly go out but act like an adult not an 18 year old with no responsibilities.Have fun,but go home.
Take the stick out of your arse hun.
SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2022 20:27

@KarmaStar

Yes yabu. If you want to live the single life then separate. Presumably you can tell the time and know when it's getting late,get yourself home. Don't drink every time you are with your friends. Certainly go out but act like an adult not an 18 year old with no responsibilities.Have fun,but go home.
Living the single life is by your definition socialising with friends, having a drink and making sensible choices of whether to stay there or get a taxi home.

So not the other 350+ days a year.
Not her fidelity even on those nights she sleeps at her mates.

Rightio.

PixieLaLa · 23/02/2022 20:52

It's actually quite sad to see so many people think being a parent or husband/wife means you're not allowed to have time out with friends and away from the responsibilities when you're children are elsewhere!

That’s not the issue though DH isn’t bothered about her going out and having her own life he just feels uncomfortable about her deciding she’s not coming home at the last min and that being late/early morning.

Once or twice it might happen but not a regular thing….it does sound quite disrespectful. Everyone is allowed their own opinions here!

ChargingBuck · 23/02/2022 20:53

where is OP compromising? She still gets her one or two piss ups a month with her mates, gets picked up when shes ready to come home before midnight. But she isn't prepared to compromise on getting a cab instead of crashing at a mates. There is ZERO compromise here from the OP.

Bullshit.

She goes out once or twice a month but stays at her friend's for fewer than half of those nights.
She's already compromising.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/02/2022 20:54

@redbigbananafeet it’s still not loads

ChargingBuck · 23/02/2022 20:56

if my DP was anxious about me staying out, for whatever reason (but lets face it OP's DH has a bloody good reason)

He has no more reason than anybody else who'd ever been cheated on.
Which has got to be at least a billion people.
When you have an serious emotional issue, you don't solve it by controlling other people. You solve it by dealing with it, like an adult, with a therapist.

Peasandcabbage · 23/02/2022 21:00

How old is DH?

I don't do what you do but know people and friends who do. I just prefer my own bed.

Just if he's 28 and been with you six years and been married before, fair to say young? Could be just a never slept in a house alone scenario.

Not a criticism, just a thought. Straight from parents to first wife to parents or you.

ChargingBuck · 23/02/2022 21:01

if my DP was anxious about me staying out, for whatever reason (but lets face it OP's DH has a bloody good reason) I'd not stay out if it was that important to him. Its not about control or me not being able to do 'what I want, when I want' its about respect and care for the person you love. I get to have a great night out with my friends, he stays secure knowing I'm coming home again.

Compromise.

Oh, I see I was correct about you not understanding the word 'compromise'.

Because that would not be a 'compromise' - it just would be total compliance to your DH's demands. A compromise is where both parties get concessions. Your scenario only gives concessions to one party.

ChikaCherryCola · 23/02/2022 22:46

@MichaelAndEagle

I hate it when I have to clock watch on a night out. You can't let your hair down and fully enjoy yourself. That said, my nights out are rarer, say once every two or three months. I think a reasonable compromise is to plan to stay out, so at least he's not wondering if you'll be back or not.
I agree. Make the definite plan to stay out all night, op. Then dh won't be wondering whether you'll be coming home or not. You can always decide to get a taxi home if you choose to; better that way round than the other. And perhaps help him to find a good therapist who can assist him with his very obvious trust issues.
TrishM80 · 23/02/2022 22:56

If OP's husband was going out on the piss and sleeping over a couple of times a month at his mates' house, everyone would be telling her he's cheating on her!

ChikaCherryCola · 23/02/2022 23:07

@TrishM80

If OP's husband was going out on the piss and sleeping over a couple of times a month at his mates' house, everyone would be telling her he's cheating on her!
And they would be ridiculous to jump to that conclusion.
Rosieposie101 · 23/02/2022 23:39

I think it's inappropriate personally. I'd go home.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/02/2022 23:56

@Rosieposie101

I think it's inappropriate personally. I'd go home.
@Rosieposie101 why?
OshaOsha · 24/02/2022 00:04

Nobody is able to say why it is objectively inappropriate (because there isn't a reason), just that they don't like it.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/02/2022 00:06

@Rosieposie101

I think it's inappropriate personally. I'd go home.
Can you elaborate on "inappropriate"?
SleepingStandingUp · 24/02/2022 00:07

if my DP was anxious about me staying out, for whatever reason (but lets face it OP's DH has a bloody good reason)
No he bloody doesn't!! He was cheated on by his ex. He and op have been together six years. She hasn't cheated on him. She doesn't get to be assumed to be some loose woman of sin because she has the same genitals and taste in men as the ex!!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/02/2022 00:08

@Rosieposie101

Inappropriate to stay at a female friends home overnight? Why?

It's safer than getting a taxi home, too.

OshaOsha · 24/02/2022 00:13

I get to have a great night out with my friends, he stays secure knowing I'm coming home again.

That's not a compromise because he doesn't have an issue with her going out with friends.

She wants to go out. He doesn't care. No compromise needed.

She wants to stay at friend's. He doesn't want her to. That's where a compromise could he appropriate. Where you both feel different ways about something.

You don't compromise by OP doing something that DP didn't even have an issue with, and then demanding that she solve the ACTUAL issue by just doing what he wants.

If I take my kids to the park, I don't have an issue with that. I do have an issue that they want to stay there for 5 hours.

The issue isn't going to the park, it's the time spent there. So, a compromise would be "2.5 hours". It would be a compromise about the time, they don't get to spend 5 hours there and I don't get to insist they play there for "just an hour".

Saying "Well, let's 'compromise', I took you to the park so you leave in an hour" isn't a compromise - it's a deal. It's different.

newbiename · 24/02/2022 00:17

@Rosieposie101

I think it's inappropriate personally. I'd go home.
Why ? Because she's married? Because she's got kids ?
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 24/02/2022 06:40

@Rosieposie101

I think it's inappropriate personally. I'd go home.
What's inappropriate about staying over at a friends' house?
ChikaCherryCola · 24/02/2022 08:05

What's inappropriate about staying over at a friends' house?

I'd like to know the answer to this as well. What is inappropriate? Staying out? Staying at a friend's? Leaving the childcare to dh?

I think it's inappropriate for the op's dh to try to curb her activities with her friends due to his own issues and insecurities.

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/02/2022 08:08

Completely agree. Really don’t get what is “inappropriate” about it

ChargingBuck · 24/02/2022 09:34

@Rosieposie101

I think it's inappropriate personally. I'd go home.
Grin Grin Grin

Come on @Rosieposie101, enlighten me. Please, PLEASE explain what is "inappropriate" about a grown woman staying the night with her woman friend?

MsHampton · 24/02/2022 09:52

This is batshit, honestly.
Are we really still expected to be a load of 50s stepford wives?

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/02/2022 10:11

@MsHampton

This is batshit, honestly. Are we really still expected to be a load of 50s stepford wives?
@MsHampton Isn’t it? So sad that there is this degree of internalised misogyny