Okay to stay out when married?

[LalaOIOI]

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

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YABU (in my opinion) and I can understand why your DH would not be happy about this, but you don’t seem to like anyone expressing that

Perhaps because she doesn’t feel comfortable going in a taxi that late with a stranger in the middle of the night and feels safer staying at a female friend’s home, you know an actual person that she knows and trust.

For me the issue is not you staying out, but whether you twll him beforehand. Arranging a girls night out or whatever where your man knows you will be out all night, is different from going out, having a few drinks too many and deciding to stay over somewhere without letting him know, or only through a drunken text.

I may just be spitballing here but something between the lines of your OP felt very fmailiar to me. Do you regularly get drunker than you intended, and that's why you can't make it home even though you maybe planned to?

@potniatheron

For me the issue is not you staying out, but whether you twll him beforehand. Arranging a girls night out or whatever where your man knows you will be out all night, is different from going out, having a few drinks too many and deciding to stay over somewhere without letting him know, or only through a drunken text.

I may just be spitballing here but something between the lines of your OP felt very fmailiar to me. Do you regularly get drunker than you intended, and that's why you can't make it home even though you maybe planned to?

@potniatheron yes let’s now go down the route of OP having an alcohol problem…

[quote MajesticallyAwkward]@TheUnexpectedPickle I once spent a weekend in an air bnb with them before I knew the extent of the cringe. After 6 hours of them constantly touching and rubbing each other the tequila was opened and someone was sent for more booze. They have to be in physical contact at all times 🤢

I have never been more thankful for my own relationship and dh that has never had an issue doing our thing... and respects my lone showering needs [/quote]
No, no, no. Just reading this makes my hyperventilate. These people don't sound human - they're like amorphous ameobas, or something.

No, no, no. Just reading this makes my hyperventilate. These people don't sound human - they're like amorphous ameobas, or something.

Absolutely unhealthy. And amazing that two people like this met and fell in love, because they're few and far between. What's more likely, I think, is that one of them was this kind of person and they've chipped away at the other, removing all traces of their individuality and independence and has them convinced that they're in a healthy relationship.

If any of my children were in a relationship like that I'd be telling them to run for the hills.

@purplehairlady

And it is not your responsibility to change your behaviour to appease his paranoias and insecurities.

Wow. I hope no one takes advice from MN to have a lasting marriage. The advice is SO different depending on if it's a man or woman. Of course anyone should take their partner's (reasonable) insecurities into account. Why wouldn't you try to if you are truly a team?!

Being a team doesn't mean giving up your independence to appease the other person's insecurities

I would never give up my hobbies or free time because DH "didn't like it".

I would never give up my hobbies or free time because DH "didn't like it".

Not even "doesn't like it" but doesn't want you doing it because of a fear you'll cheat on him.

@ChikaCherryCola

I would never give up my hobbies or free time because DH "didn't like it".

Not even "doesn't like it" but doesn't want you doing it because of a fear you'll cheat on him.

If he didn't trust me, we wouldn't be together.

@ChikaCherryCola

No, no, no. Just reading this makes my hyperventilate. These people don't sound human - they're like amorphous ameobas, or something.

Absolutely unhealthy. And amazing that two people like this met and fell in love, because they're few and far between. What's more likely, I think, is that one of them was this kind of person and they've chipped away at the other, removing all traces of their individuality and independence and has them convinced that they're in a healthy relationship.

If any of my children were in a relationship like that I'd be telling them to run for the hills.

Absolutely, the dw is insecure and needs constant reassurance on everything, completely changes personality to please a partner. The dh has very little discernible personality and seems to have just gone along with it and has lost whatever sense of 'normal' he had. It's one of the most unhealthy relationships I've ever seen, obviously a very extreme version of what the OPs dh (and a scary amount of MNers) seems to want.

@LuckySantangelo35 there's no need to be like that. I believe it is a valid question. There is a big difference between planning to go on a girls night out and stay with a friend, and your man knowing about it; and regularly getting so drunk that you can't go home even if you had said you would. The latter is a red flag and something between the lines of OP's message struck a chord with my own past behaviour as an alcoholic and drug addict (fortunately years clean and sober now).

@Mistressiggi

drink so much that they can’t drive home There is no safe limit for drinking alcohol and then driving, fgs!

I live in Scotland, where there is no 'safe' drink-driving limit: if I drive to go out for dinner, I can't even have a glass of wine (which I completely support and agree with, btw: unless you are a biochemist, very few of us have any idea of how our bodies react to alcohol on a molecular level).

If you're going out and driving, assume you're not going to drink at all, or make safe plans, as the OP clearly has.

I lived in London for a long time when I was younger and had some seriously dodgy taxi rides (evidently not Worboys-level of 'oh fuck', but not a kick in the arse off it a couple of times, tbh).

I would far rather stay in the safety of the home of somebody I know than risk a dubious cab ride home these days (and I'm 42, although clearly little more than a teenager in the eyes of many here).

@Lovesacake it wasn't the level of anyone's inebriation I commented on. It was the "I'd be so lonely on my own" which turned into "I like spending my Sundays with him" and I pointed out they're not the same thing. The patronising over-egging of "my love is just so special but I guess you don't have that" which bemused me.

There's nothing wrong with other people's relationships not working for you but the various posts about "I'd never forgive him if he ever slept anywhere but beside me until we die / I could never sleep I'm a bed that my partner wasn't sleeping in" are boggling and concerning.

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@Lovesacake it wasn't the level of anyone's inebriation I commented on. It was the "I'd be so lonely on my own" which turned into "I like spending my Sundays with him" and I pointed out they're not the same thing. The patronising over-egging of "my love is just so special but I guess you don't have that" which bemused me.

There's nothing wrong with other people's relationships not working for you but the various posts about "I'd never forgive him if he ever slept anywhere but beside me until we die / I could never sleep I'm a bed that my partner wasn't sleeping in" are boggling and concerning.[/quote]
Oh Jesus you really are fixated on the fact that I used the word ‘lonely’ aren’t you??
To clarify, I did not mean that I would be a weeping gibberish wreck broken with loneliness. I meant that I would prefer not to unexpectedly find that my partner had stayed out all night on a Saturday night because I prefer our Sunday mornings together.

I’m sorry if my comment about you not having experienced this hit a nerve. From your many posts it is now clear to me that you are a very loved, happy and fulfilled individual and you definitely don’t get your kicks from having a pop at strangers on the internet.

@Talkingmouse

How well does he know these friends? Do you ever go out with them together? Perhaps have one weekend with them all at yours for a night in and sleepover. He will be able to get to know them better, and can visualise what you get up to when you are out with them. This may help his past association that ‘a sleepover with the girls’ = fucking another guy…

So is he joining in girls night so sitting in the corner observing?? It would be beyond weird to have a girls night in with the DP there so he can check they're responsible enough to take his partner out

Dh sometimes stays out, he doesn't go out often. We live in the back of beyond and there's no uber, taxis are really expensive, he wants to have a drink so can't drive. So he stays over at a friend's. I have no problem with that at all and tbh I think your dh is being a bit unreasonable. I can understand why he doesn't like it from his previous experience but surely he trusts you?!

Well if you moved to be where he is its tough....makes no sense to pay for taxis etc if you stay at friends and still do stuff together...

If he doesn't like it move to town!

It is really important to keep your friends and enjoy going out with them....

What if they came and stayed at yours instead?? Would he prefer that???

I have a friend who moved out a bit and we sort of rota 1 in 4 trips out to hers...just as a change/save cabs etc but more often she comes in as more to do here.....

Being in a huff/sulking is really poor behaviour from an adult ....maybe his ex got pissed off with that too....

Oh Jesus you really are fixated on the fact that I used the word ‘lonely’ aren’t you??I'm sorry, you have an issue when people read your posts and them reply based on the words that you used? How weird people would do that, to assume you meant the words you used. Especially given its quite a difference in meaning. Like the couple who shower together do they're not lonely vs the couple who prefer to spend most of their weekends together.

Like I said, I got from your second post that correction and that you just meant you liked spending your Sundays together. Its just bemusing when people have to resort to the "I guess I'm just so more in love than anyone else" , as if that solved the whole discussion. "Well if you were in love like me you'd know in right!!! "

And its a public chat
People not agreeing with you isn't them having a pop. It's called an opinion.

Its totally understandable to want to go out with your mates, let off steam, talk crap, drink and have fun and then flop on a mates couch so as not to bother with the journey home. Pretty sure most of us have done that.

Your DH has no issues with your going out and having fun. Brilliant. he also picks you up on occasion. Brilliant. sounds like he does realise you enjoy your nights out and has no issues with them. And doesn't even mind if its a couple times a month. I'd say thats pretty good going for a parent and don't blame you for taking advantage of childfree time to do this, especially as DH likes his time on his own too.

But...... and heres the but.

You have chosen to be in a relationship with someone who was cheated on by his previous wife, and this was done by 'staying out at friends houses'. And yes, of course thats his hangup and something he has to deal with, but none the less you know this has happened in his past and that he is likely feeling insecure and anxious about you doing the same.

Chosing to be in a relationship with someone with something like this is their past, is something you need to take into account and not just go 'well its his issue, so nothing to do with me'. (which I am not saying you are doing, but some on this thread have this attitude). I'm a firm believer that in a relationship you each take on responsibility for the other. not in terms of physical silly stuff, but in terms of emotional wellbeing. I want my partner to be happy and vice versa. There may be times input isn't always 50/50. sometimes it might be 80/20 if one of you is having a rough time or struggling with something. My partners happiness isn't my sole responsibility, but I contribute to it and wouldn't want to purposely do things which I knew would make him unhappy.

It doesn't sound like he is accusing you of anything. Sounds like he has this thought at the back of his mind mostly under control as he has no issues with you going out. But I really do think you need to meet him half way on this one and realise that this insecurity is always going to be at the back of his mind, more so when you are out staying at friends - the exact thing his wife was doing when cheating. and if its something you can not make any worse for him, then surely thats what you would want to do.

If that means coming home after a night out, then thats the compromise. Its only 30 minutes, its not like its hours away anyway.

sounds like you get to have quite frequent nights out. Given the history with him, just go home. Surely him feeling secure in your relationship is much more important than your inconvenience getting a cab home after a great fun night out.

He does not sound in the least controlling to me. He sounds like a bloke who was shit on by his ex, and is just anxious about his new wife wanting to do the exact thing that later turned into what was quite probably his worst fear.

Superb post @Bookworm20

If that means coming home after a night out, then thats the compromise. Its only 30 minutes, its not like its hours away anyway.

How is that a compromise? It’s exactly what the dh wants her to do.

It is not reasonable of him to not trust the op. She has done nothing to deserve that. She should not have to modify her behaviour to keep him happy over something totally irrational on his part. It’s common courtesy to arrange in advance whether you’re coming home or not at the end of a night out. It would be a more reasonable compromise for her to let him know where she is staying as text him when she gets there so he knows she’s safe.

.Surely him feeling secure in your relationship is much more important than your inconvenience getting a cab home after a great fun night out.

Pandering to someone who doesn’t trust you not to shag someone else isn’t a great omen for how the relationship is going to go in the future.

Pandering to someone who doesn’t trust you not to shag someone else isn’t a great omen for how the relationship is going to go in the future.

Yes, especially considering OP is spending it at female friends’ homes. Does he expect OP to become lesbian or does he think OP’s friends don’t like him to a point they would enable her cheating on him?

I shouldn't be surprised really but some of the replies here are awful.
Are we really still in a place where being married and a parent means that all semblance of your old life is gone.

So we shouldn't want to go out without our partners.
Shouldn't go and get pissed with our friends.
Shouldn't spend a night away from partner/children.
Fuck that! Why is having fun with your mates the preserve of single people in their 20s?

I'm in my late 40s and I still have a good social life.
I must check with my partner that he isn't feeling crushed and rejected by this. Except I don't need to because he's not a dick and we have our own lives.

Then poor @LalaOIOI has to pander to her husband's paranoia that she'll cheat on him. Not her issue, not her responsibility. If he can't trust her then he should be going to therapy to sort his own shit out.

Urgh, I really hoped we'd moved past this crap. Stay home, only socialise with your husband if you want to but don't judge the women who want to live differently.

If he can't trust her then he should be going to therapy to sort his own shit out.

Especially after being together for six years.