AIBU- No overnight stays

[Satsuma2019]

Hello, me and my DH are on different pages with regards to sleepovers at grandparents (or anybody really) house. My MIL and my mum have asked a few times and I have said no because tbh I don’t really see what they are gaining by having them sleep. I’m more than happy to drop DDs off at their house for them to spend the day whilst I get on with some errands and pick them up at a convenient time. My MIL thinks I’m being selfish but I think since I’ve done all the hard parts like night feeds, teething and the troublesome twos without any help and the DDs are now easier to watch, why shouldn’t I reap the rewards and enjoy their time rather than palming them off. Plus if I say yes to one then how can I say no to everyone else and then what time will I get to spend with them?

Aibu?

This is so peculiar to me.. I couldn't WAIT for kids to go to GPs and to have some proper adult time with DH.

First DC at 9 months (weekend in Amsterdam)
Second when DS was 6 months and DD1 22 months for a wedding and then when dd3 was small baby and the older ones 5&7. They absolutely loved it... the sleepover was a big part of the adventure.

Why do YOU get to say what goes and what doesn't. SSurely they are DH's children too? I would suggest that the DH organise a sleepover with his parents and you can decide that your children are not permitted to stay with your parents. Seems really unfair on your parents but that's your choice.

Yanbu to not want them, but what is it that makes you uncomfortable? The thought the kids night need you in the night and the GPS won't look after them or something more?

If course grandparents want them now they're older. They're easier to care for, sleep through more and can do more. They're asking to have them because they enjoy their company, want to see them for a longer chunk (so overnight as it means two days), etc. It isn't selfish for them to ASK if they can do something fun with their grandkids.
It isn't OK to badger and upset you.

You seem to be conflating "I didn't ask for help when it was hard so why should I let you enjoy them now they're older"

I think it’s very weird that you see your children as some kind of reward.

You seem to resent having parented your own children.

@LagunaBubbles

but I think since I’ve done all the hard parts like night feeds, teething and the troublesome twos without any help and the DDs are now easier to watch, why shouldn’t I reap the rewards and enjoy their time rather than palming

What a strange, strange attitude to have!

Yep - bonkers!

I do understand what you're saying about having wanted help during the really challenging tiny years. We are in the throes of those. One set of GPs are amazing and have had the now 3yo overnight so we can go away on a mini break just the two of us. The other set are plainly not interested in the tiny years and staying with them is incredibly stressful because they just don't help at all.

But we will let the kids stay overnight with both sets when the GPs offer because that time just the two of us is priceless. And because those are the only lie ins I have had for years.

DickMabutt73962 i know what your saying but for me the GP knew my DC and had a great relationship so when i had a big birthday bash when she was 8mths old I was happy to leave her overnight with MIL and FIL. If they didnt have that relationship I wouldnt have left her. They knew my DC, had spent a lot of time with her and I was comfortable. I am just surprised that some grandparents dont support their DC when its tough , why wouldnt you want to get up and look after baby to allow parents to have a sleep. I would jump at the chance when I am a GM.

You are preventing this for no logical reason. On the one hand you say they won't get quality time if they have the children when they're asleep, but on the other hand you want the children with you when they're asleep - do you get quality time then?

You sound as if you're wanting to withold this opportunity which both the GP and your dc might well really enjoy purely out of sour grapes that they didn't have as much contact as you think they should have done in the past. I don't see how you having that attitude to the grandarents' relationship with their grandchildren is going to benefit your dc.

This feels like a 'two kinds of people' thing - my dad couldn't have worked harder to help me with my kids when they were tiny, I have vivid memories of him coming and taking crying babies off me in the middle of the night so I could get some sleep. My mother in law was the same. (My mum was too ill.) if that's your model for how a family works together and helps each other then in-laws who are like 'fuckity bye, I'll see you in four years when they're easier!' will feel like a slap in the face. It would have for me, 100%. (And grandparents who are happy to watch their grandchild's mother sinking to her knees for lack of support might want to think about who's going to be looking after them in a couple of decades' time...)

I see family as being about mutual support - whoever's got something spare in the tank gives it to the person who really doesn't. Not 'I had a crap time with my babies 30 years ago so suck it up.'

@AngelinaFibres

I am 56. My grandparents had a colour TV. Now that was exciting. They had a real fire. I have 2 now because of my memories of theirs. They had their neighbours dog sometimes. My parents wouldn't have any animals. Walking Tessa was beyond exciting for us. We used to go on the bus every Thursday. It was the time of conductors with their fabulous machines. My dad wouldn't set foot on a bus. We used to sit on the big double seat that faced inwards. It was really high up. Sooooooo exciting. Grandad taught us to build a huge bonfire and to make a giant Guy out of his old coal board overalls. He used to take us into town to choose fireworks for Nov 5th. They had time, hours and hours of time . Time to take us for walks, to chat, to explain anything and everything. The popman came on the Friday before we arrived. We used to have Dandelion and Burdock. We still call it Dandelion and bird muck. We thought it was hilarious. The beds had flannelette sheets and candlewick bedspreads and they put their false teeth in glasses by the bed. My grandma kept her gallstones in a jar in her knicker drawer.Utterly fascinating to a child. She wore a playtex girdle which she used to take off when the weather was hot. We used to pick fresh peas from grandads allotment and pod them (and eat lots of them) sitting on a bench in the back yard. Everytime I pick peas the smell takes me straight back. They were beautiful times. I hope to be half as good a grandparent as they were. Let your children have modern memories with their grandparents. A good relationship with grandparents is absolutely priceless.

You sound like me- getting to stay at my Gran's and going to the little shop on a weekend evening getting a Bunty and some sweets. My Grandad would be at the pub and we would watch for him coming home just after 10 and would scuttle off to bed before he got in. I used to sleep in between the two of them! My Gran took me on the bus on mystery Tours 😂 Playing with the washing machine with the wringer, in my Granddad's shed with all his tools and shoe repair stuff - it was just different from being with parents😀

My kids loved staying with their Grandparents, they were spoilt rotten and it gave us a night off. They lived about 40 minutes away, so we would have been able to pick them up if there was problem.

Wow. I wish I had this option.

I loved staying at my grandparents growing up - it was an adventure and definitely more treats given then at home. I still remember the crisp sandwiches my granny would give us for supper!

You can agree to overnight stays whilst still setting boundaries. My grandparents were all within 20 minutes from home so we’d normally do a couple of nights at the each grandparents during the summer holidays. We’d still see them most weekends and they’d babysit our our house for an evening but the overnight stays were more of a mini-holiday for us (and probably our parents!).

I think it depends on the individual child & what type of grandparents they have to when it’s the right time for sleepovers to start, so only you & your children can decide that.

Depends on what the GP are like. Mine are toxic horrible people as were my exes -no chance!

@1ofeach2 what about her dh is he not allowed to have a say at all

You sound quite bitter at what you perceive as their lack of support during the first year or so of your dc lives. Perhaps they didn't think you needed or wanted support, did you ask? Do you have a reasonable relationship with your parents and ILs? Is there something else going on here?

Assuming you don't have other babysitters, why wouldn't you want a night off for you and your DH? Why wouldn't you want your DC to have a lovely time with the grandparents?

That's such a shame you think that way. My grandchildren adore sleepovers with us, and equally with their other grandparents also. We all have so much fun together and the parents can have time to themselves also. I can't imagine a life without having my grandchildren on a sleepover actually, we all have such a wonderful time. It benefits everyone enormously. And since they were very small should an emergency crop up, it meant the children would have somewhere safe and comfortable to stay that they were used to. As I say, I think it's such a shame your children will not experience that.

I'll answer your question as to why they weren't that involved when the children were babies. It's simple. Babies are actually quite boring, you don't get any interaction until they get to 2 or three years old and that's when being grandparent is fun. I think you sound like a real fun sponge.

Like other post has said, I cherish the memories of spending time with my grandparents.

Sleepovers, holidaysJust time together really special and I'm really glad my mother and father saw the value in it and we're not selfish with their children.

It really does sound to me like you are not wanting to give up too much ownership of your children and don’t want to open the floodgates of sleepovers

“ just don’t understand how they can be so little involved during the tough parts and suddenly want to be so involved now that the children are more interesting”
This sounds like you feeling resentful of them not being more involved earlier?? If this is the issue you need to deal your own emotions and not take away the benefits of building bonds with wider family. I think YABU and should view the fact that the family wants to be involved with your children now ( even if they weren’t that involved earlier) as a blessing and stop being so precious. Lots of kids have sleepovers with grandparents / family / friends....and feel the benefits of having a wider network.

Agree with other posters that it sounds like you want to punish grandparents as you are still angry with them. That feeling might be understandable and they are not 'entitled' to sleepovers but maybe time to let go of the resentment and move on? It does feel quite selfish if your kids miss out on all the fun of sleepovers at gp's every now and then just because you feel badly treated.

However if GP's are calling every day and nagging you that does sound a bit demanding. So it's not unreasonable to set some limits of how often they can stay over and set a routine up. Far better for you and Dh to agree and have a united front on this than be disagreeing and contradicting each other in front of GP's.

I loved having sleepovers at my grandma's. We had loads of fun. Now she's gone, it's something I remember and miss that much it hurts. Don't let your children miss out on that bond and memories.

@Satsuma2019

I never expected the DGPs to do night feeds etc but a phone call here and there to find out how they’re doing or how we’re doing would have been nice especially as now the kids are older this is what’s expected. They call every day now. I’m not complaining at doing the night feeds teething etc but how comes we were never invited round for visits during this time but now suddenly we are. I just think being a grandparent should be consistent not a pick and choose situation.

But this reasoning directly contradicts what you say in the OP:

I’m more than happy to drop DDs off at their house for them to spend the day whilst I get on with some errands and pick them up at a convenient time.

Sounds like you're throwing in the bit about not being invited or getting a single phone call to get more people on your side.

You either want them to have the benefit of your children's company or you don't, I don't see how the time of day affects how you feel about their involvement when younger

I have to agree with the posters who say you want to punish the grandparents, @Satsuma2019.

Sadly, you are probably depriving your child of a lovely experience, and the chance to make some special memories.

Well it is. That's exactly what it's about. The OP feels she did everything with very little support from her DH let alone the GPs. That has stuck with her and now she's digging her heels in

But not getting support isn't really a reason to deny the grandkids the experience.
Of course she doesn't need a reason, she can do what she wants.... But, why does she get to choose? The father has parental responsibility too, if he wants to take his kids to visit his parents overnight, why shouldn't he be able to?

Likewise, you couldn't break up with the DH and say "actually I don't think the kids should stay at your house overnight because when they were babies you barely helped me at all" as she said he barely helped either.

Yes, it's different because the father would have a right to see his child, but the feeling would be the same. "You don't deserve to spend time with them".

And what if the children did enjoy spending time there and bond really well with their grandparents? Would it really matter that they weren't so involved when they were little babies, as long as they are creating good memories for the children now that they will remember forever?

I'm NC with my own mum mutually, she didn't want to meet DD, her first grandchild when I was pregnant. DD has never met her. But, if she changed her mind, I wouldn't prevent them forming some kind of relationship just because I have my own resentments, or because she wasn't around when DD was a baby. I don't believe parental resentments should impact on the children forming their own relationships and opinions about their family members, unless there are safeguarding issues etc.

I just can't understand it. DP was the same. "I don't want DD staying at my mum's because I don't like my mum much" (because she had bfs when he was young, didn't have a lot of money, 3 kids with 3 diff dad's because he could be nasty like that...he was a troubled teen and got kicked out when he was 19). It was like he was trying to punish her... But didn't see it was also sort of taking away from DD too. But I fought for DD to at least know one grandparent, and she adores her paternal nanny so much and loves staying over.

Don't put your own issues onto your kids. They are different relationships.

You don't want them to stay over because you should reap the benefits of your early work with them... But what would you miss? A bedtime movie and some bedtime stories, one night of cuddles? You wouldn't still get that 99.8% of the time or whatever, depending on how often they wanted to go. It seems petty to insist you need them 100% of the time to make up for your maternal sacrifice.