Page 13 | AIBU- No overnight stays

Satsuma2019 · 2022-02-22T18:06:09+00:00

Hello, me and my DH are on different pages with regards to sleepovers at grandparents (or anybody really) house. My MIL and my mum have asked a few times and I have said no because tbh I don’t really see what they are gaining by having them sleep. I’m more than happy to drop DDs off at their house for them to spend the day whilst I get on with some errands and pick them up at a convenient time. My MIL thinks I’m being selfish but I think since I’ve done all the hard parts like night feeds, teething and the troublesome twos without any help and the DDs are now easier to watch, why shouldn’t I reap the rewards and enjoy their time rather than palming them off. Plus if I say yes to one then how can I say no to everyone else and then what time will I get to spend with them? Aibu?

Wheyprotcookie · 22/02/2022 20:29

You're being a bit precious tbh op. Gp want to cuddle kids once a fortnight, you get to have a date night with dh. What's the real issue here? Do you have control / anxiety problems?

katepilar · 22/02/2022 20:32

@Satsuma2019

I’m not bitter at doing the hard parts. I never asked for help and just got on with it with little help from DH too. But DGPs had very little contact during this period. Was never really bothered about visiting etc they were offered quality time but always had a reason why they couldn’t see us and now suddenly they want phone calls every day, visits every week and now sleepovers. Just a bit convenient it’s now that the children are easier they want to be involved

You call it when the children are easier. They may be view it as now its more appropriate to or managable both for them and for you. Also some people dont connect with young children. Something might have also change in the grandparents life which makes them want to connect more now.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/02/2022 20:34

Wow. Would love if dd could stay at gp

Sadly 3/4 are dead and other my dad, he loves and adores dd almost 5 but wouldn’t be able to cope with a sleepover

I had amazing fun at my gp as a child and rem staying there and they lived 2hrs away so 8 hrs there and back to drop and collect

But they did it

Don’t deprive your kids and gp from making memories

Bucketsoflove · 22/02/2022 20:35

This is such a weird post. You don't want your DC to have a nice relationship with their grandparents because you're holding a grudge that they didn't help with teething. Babies are not that interesting but now they're old enough to really form a relationship with their GPs you'd like to prevent that?

Agree with PP it's the perfect opportunity to have date night, because time alone with your partner is important too. If you don't want to travel back, and you can afford it, you could even book a hotel somewhere near the GPs for a night away. Good for everyone.

AliceMcK · 22/02/2022 20:36

If you don’t want to do it because you feel uncomfortable leaving them overnight or worried about their safety then you are definitely right not to allow them to sleep over. But if that’s not an issue sleep overs are great fun for children, my DDs would absolutely love to be able to have sleep overs with their GPs.

Mocara · 22/02/2022 20:37

@saraclara

At some point a decision must be made, mom should get final say.

I'd love to know your reasoning for this thinking @mummykel16

Sweet singing Jesus someone please tell this is a joke !!🤣

ScreamingBeans · 22/02/2022 20:37

Actually I'm finding this weirder and weirder.

It sounds to me like your in laws have been perfectly reasonable to not want to interfere too much before the age of 2 as babies get really pissed off if they're not with their primary carers.

It's perfectly normal for grandchildren not to stay at their grandparents' homes before the age of 2

Slipperfairy · 22/02/2022 20:40

Nights out. Nights out. Nights out. Sex without interruptions. Lie ins.

Ours are now not old enough to leave for a night out, but almost the same age as a babysitter. We don't have gp anymore. It's a right pita.

pinkprettyroses · 22/02/2022 20:40

YANBU. Your child your boundaries, do whatever makes you feel most comfortable.

Midlifemusings · 22/02/2022 20:43

It seems your reasons are mostly petty and spiteful rather than any actual valid concerns. I think it is strange to think that a grandparent has a responsibility to co-parent with you with in the early years if they want to be allowed to be grandparents as the kids age. Most people don't actually want their inlaws and parents staying with them to help with sleeping and feeding when the kids are little as there is a lot of stress in having other adults in the house. And very young children - aka under 3 are less likely to go on sleepovers than older kids so asking when the kids are older is not strange or weird.

The reality is that while you are a parent - you are only one of two parents. Being a parent also doesn't mean you own the child. They are a distinct person and separate entity from you and should be allowed to form other relationships. Your need for control and power isn't healthy for your kids.

JudgeJ · 22/02/2022 20:44

Op is the mother.

Exactly, she has 50% of thr decision, that's all. Is it any wonder that many men feel marginalised, their opinion doesn't count? If mothers want 100% of the decision making it's only fair that they take on board 100% of the child care.

AngelinaFibres · 22/02/2022 20:45

I had a friend who wouldn't let her children go to grandparents overnight. She and her partner lived in a very small house and had a girl and a boy. Once the second one arrived she insisted that he slept in their bedroom every night so that he didn't wake his sister. She shut their sex life down completely. Sex was for bedrooms and there was a child in the bedroom...so no sex. She absolutely refused to let the children go to their grandparents overnight because the sex thing would rear it's head again. Whilst the children were there, and one was in their bedroom, it was not a subject for discussion. She made up all sorts of valid-ish reasons why she didn't want them to go but the real reason was that she didn't want to be alone with her partner or intimate with him. It took years for her to admit it. They split up soon after. Does any of this ring a bell with you Op.

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 20:49

@mummykel16 of course its sexist how can you honestly say otherwise
You obviously don't agree in equal rights

OshaOsha · 22/02/2022 20:58

No it's not sexist .

Yes it is. He has just as much legal parental responsibility so if he wanted to take them to stay there overnight, he could do it without the OK from OP.

And what about if OP and the father ever broke up? When the child was with their father, he would have every right to take them for overnight stays and if wouldn't matter than OP was resentful about it.

irregularegular · 22/02/2022 21:00

I think the kids should decide. If they want to go then they should go. I think they get the final say here!

2022HereWeCome · 22/02/2022 21:06

I think OP is having a bit of a hard time. I'm obviously in a minority but frankly my DC needs would come before whether or not GPs think they should be entitled to a sleepover.

I get what OP is saying - there has been so little support from GP to date / when the DC were small that she probably does worry about what they would do / how they would cope/ would they respect parents boundaries. If you have had actively involved GPs from an early stage things tend to evolve naturally but going from no interest to we want a sleepover seems a bit much to me. Start small and let GP look after kids for a few hours during the day and build trust.

dottydodah · 22/02/2022 21:07

I think the ringing each day may get a bit tiresome .However may be they would ease off on this if "allowed "the odd night with DC to themselves .I was practically co parented by my GDP, and at one point went with my Nan to her little job as a Tealady to a little garage .My "job" was to put the cups and saucers out! At home we would make Coconut Ice and play games .They had a 100 ft garden and I would pick fruit with them ,shell peas and so on .At night Grandad would be evicted from his bed and me and Nan would snuggle down ,Honestly OP I think you would welcome the break ,and DC would benefit hugely

PriamFarrl · 22/02/2022 21:08

No it's not sexist

It is sexist because you are basing your opinions on nothing but someone’s sex.

It’s people like you who give MN a bad name.

Kaleidoscope2 · 22/02/2022 21:14

I think you're being a bit ott, I think for children it can be exciting to stay somewhere different to home. I loved it as a child and my grandparents had me and my cousins regularly over the summer holidays to help support childcare. If your children are able to vocalise if they're happy to stay or not then I think that's the deciding factor. Also it might be nice for you to have one on one time with your husband, when our DD is away we really enjoy date nights and a lie in!

washingmachines4 · 22/02/2022 21:20

It is really hard to have little to no support when they are little and not sleeping much. I understand some of your resentment about picking and choosing to do when it is easier, however... was the tough part in the middle of a pandemic when we were told not to see each other? Could there be other reasons? They should have picked up the phone - no excuse for that one other than conditions encouraged everyone to become a bit insular.
They want to be involved now, it is lovely, let the relationship thrive and let the past go unless you have underlying worries about the child's safety in the grandparents care. They shouldn't be pressuring you, that isn't supportive. Tell them you aren't ready to leave them overnight if you want, that in principle it is fine but you'd really appreciate it if they would dial down the pressure and not mention it again as it is actually contributing to you not feeling good about it. It'll happen sooner if they back off essentially.

Cantleave · 22/02/2022 21:23

@Satsuma2019

I’m not bitter at doing the hard parts. I never asked for help and just got on with it with little help from DH too. But DGPs had very little contact during this period. Was never really bothered about visiting etc they were offered quality time but always had a reason why they couldn’t see us and now suddenly they want phone calls every day, visits every week and now sleepovers. Just a bit convenient it’s now that the children are easier they want to be involved

They weren’t really very interested in their DGDs when they were hard work, but now that they are older and easier (and more interesting), they want to be involved all the time. It also looks like your DH wasn’t much help either during the harder times (“with little help from DH too”)? So, yes, I can see why you are peeved.

I don’t think you are being selfish, and if my MIL accused me of that, they definitely wouldn’t be staying there overnight! Ultimately they are your DDs, so up to you to decide if / when you are happy for them to stay elsewhere. After all, they are your DDs, they are not toys!

You are allowing them to have time with their DGDs and even happy to leave them there during the day, so I honestly don’t know why anyone thinks you are selfish. I never saw the point in my DCs staying somewhere else, just for the sake of it! My DCs, my responsibility, my rules!

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 21:24

[quote worriedatthemoment]@mummykel16 of course its sexist how can you honestly say otherwise
You obviously don't agree in equal rights [/quote]
I do, when men are actually equal

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 21:26

@OshaOsha

No it's not sexist .

Yes it is. He has just as much legal parental responsibility so if he wanted to take them to stay there overnight, he could do it without the OK from OP.

And what about if OP and the father ever broke up? When the child was with their father, he would have every right to take them for overnight stays and if wouldn't matter than OP was resentful about it.

There you go, he can over rule her.

Why is that?

OshaOsha · 22/02/2022 21:27

*when men are actually equal
Well in this situation, legally they are

Sassbott · 22/02/2022 21:34

I loved my time with my grandparents. I’m in my mid forties and I can still remember the lullaby my nanny sang me when I was a little girl. And morning cuddles and the oodles of patience that only grandparents can give.

YABVU. Regardless of your axe to grind because they didn’t call enough, these are your childrens experiences you are taking away simply because you sound pissy/ like you own them.

An amazing part of childhood is bonding with family/ making memories and being spoiled. The only person keeping them from that is you. Bluntly if I was your DH I would take the children to stay at my moms regardless of what you ‘allowed’.