Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- No overnight stays

363 replies

Satsuma2019 · 22/02/2022 18:06

Hello, me and my DH are on different pages with regards to sleepovers at grandparents (or anybody really) house. My MIL and my mum have asked a few times and I have said no because tbh I don’t really see what they are gaining by having them sleep. I’m more than happy to drop DDs off at their house for them to spend the day whilst I get on with some errands and pick them up at a convenient time. My MIL thinks I’m being selfish but I think since I’ve done all the hard parts like night feeds, teething and the troublesome twos without any help and the DDs are now easier to watch, why shouldn’t I reap the rewards and enjoy their time rather than palming them off. Plus if I say yes to one then how can I say no to everyone else and then what time will I get to spend with them?

Aibu?

OP posts:
joliefolle · 22/02/2022 19:48

"It’s not about you and your struggle when DC were younger"

Well it is. That's exactly what it's about. The OP feels she did everything with very little support from her DH let alone the GPs. That has stuck with her and now she's digging her heels in. Until that resentment is resolved, she's going to keep on being called selfish by her DH and the GPs and they will go round and round in a vicious circle.

OshaOsha · 22/02/2022 19:48

And saying "I've done all the hard work therefore why should my grandparents get to have them for a night?" is bizarre and selfish. If your kids expressed that they wanted to stay at their grandparent's house, would you feel it as a slap in the face to your hard work? Because that's bonkers.

LeifSan · 22/02/2022 19:48

Is there no thought that it might be great to have a date night with your husband? Surely that would be a huge help lay as well as the kids enjoying a night at the grandparents?

APurpleSquirrel · 22/02/2022 19:49

@Satsuma2019

I never expected the DGPs to do night feeds etc but a phone call here and there to find out how they’re doing or how we’re doing would have been nice especially as now the kids are older this is what’s expected. They call every day now. I’m not complaining at doing the night feeds teething etc but how comes we were never invited round for visits during this time but now suddenly we are. I just think being a grandparent should be consistent not a pick and choose situation.
Have you wondered that maybe they've reassessed what is important in life, especially based on the past two years, & have realised family is very important to them & so they're trying to rebuild that relationship? I assume grandchildren growing older does bring home one's own mortality, & maybe they've now realised they want to fill their remaining years with family & memories etc?
shiningstar2 · 22/02/2022 19:49

i voted uanbu because they are your children and it's therefore your call where they go and how long they go for. However as a grandma and grandad dh and I have loved having the children overnight. We don't have to watch the time when we go out. We have longer to talk or have treats. They love waking up at grandma's and maybe having a special breakfast. We have taken them away at half terms to Edinburgh, York and the coast. They have a ball, they have great memories of us which they will look back on with affection and their parents have a day/night out while we have them. What's not to like?

Your choice of course Flowers

Pinkdelight3 · 22/02/2022 19:49

I just think being a grandparent should be consistent not a pick and choose situation.

Ah well they obviously didn't get sent the book of rules for being a grandparent as written by OP. Like every other parent and grandparent, they are finding their own way and not quite living up to your standards. Perhaps if/when you're a GP, you mightn't fulfil your DiL's conditions.

But they sound like they're interested and involved now and it's still relatively early days so I wouldn't get hung up on their past crimes too much, esp as your DH feels strongly otherwise. I'm no big fan of sleepovers myself, but don't pretend that I can't see the value for others so as long as they're safe and loving, I'd give it a try and enjoy the benefits for both DC and you and DH.

Things can seem very intense and important in these earlyish days, but you do start to let go a little and that helps with the bigger journey.

ChickenStripper · 22/02/2022 19:49

They weren't there are the hard bits Laughable - that is what being a parent is all about. You seem to want to deny your children and their Grandparents this fun because of how YOU feel.

scrivette · 22/02/2022 19:49

I didn't want GP's to have the children to stay when they were younger and waking up in the night. DS had his first sleepover at his GP's last week and he is 6.

He absolutely loved it, something different, got to stay up late and was made a different breakfast in the morning to the one he would usually have. He also woke up at 5:45 so was glad he was there and not at mine!

indecisivewoman81 · 22/02/2022 19:50

Both of mine love having a sleeping over at nanny's house. She lives alone and loves the company, they get spoilt rotten for a day and night (stay up late have extra cuddles, eat sweets) and my DH and I can go out for a meal and have a drink/ stay out late or just have some quality time together. Win win to me!

Dou8hnuts · 22/02/2022 19:50

Counting down the weeks til my kids get to stay at their grandparents. Last time they stopped out was September. We have a boy with ASD and one awaiting DX so I can’t exactly just hire any babysitter if we want an evening out. I say let them stay over at GP’s but once in a blue moon but don’t make a regular thing of it. My boys stay out roughly once every 6 months so that’s 2 nights out of 365. It means we can go to the cinema, enjoy a meal, go to the theatre or pub with friends and not have to worry about rushing back as the kids are tucked up in bed having spent the day with GP’s. It’s not for everyone though some people don’t feel they need a break at all from their DC whereas others circumstances mean a break every so often is well timed and needed.

Travis1 · 22/02/2022 19:50

Why don’t you want a night with your husband? I think I’d be pretty offended if I was him.

Alfiemoon1 · 22/02/2022 19:50

Both my dc loved having sleepovers at dgp and my dsis. It also gave them confidence for when they got invited to sleepover parties and went on residential trips with school.
I think it’s good to get them used to it and confident sleeping away from home what would happen if due to an emergency they had to stay with dgp my dd had to live with my mum for 6 weeks as I was in hospital when pregnant with ds and dh worked nights I didn’t have to worry as dd had slept over there before

Don’t you and dh want a night out occasionally?

gogohm · 22/02/2022 19:51

The things people complain about... I would have jumped at it, drop them off and head off for a couple of nights awayGrin

Jmaxx44 · 22/02/2022 19:51

YANBU - they are your children and you don’t owe grandparents sleepovers, in the same way they don’t owe you childcare etc. we never did sleepovers at grandparents as children and we turned out just fine!!

Donotgogentle · 22/02/2022 19:51

@Satsuma2019

I never expected the DGPs to do night feeds etc but a phone call here and there to find out how they’re doing or how we’re doing would have been nice especially as now the kids are older this is what’s expected. They call every day now. I’m not complaining at doing the night feeds teething etc but how comes we were never invited round for visits during this time but now suddenly we are. I just think being a grandparent should be consistent not a pick and choose situation.
Actually daily phone calls would feel way too much, for me at least.

But if your concern is that the demands could be overwhelming maybe you could think about the maximum amount of overnight stays you would feel comfortable with and then offer less than that.

It should be a break for you, not a burden.

LagunaBubbles · 22/02/2022 19:51

but I think since I’ve done all the hard parts like night feeds, teething and the troublesome twos without any help and the DDs are now easier to watch, why shouldn’t I reap the rewards and enjoy their time rather than palming

What a strange, strange attitude to have!

PatientlyWaiting21 · 22/02/2022 19:52

Because your children will find it fun! I used to love going for sleepovers at my grandparents.

Eeiliethya · 22/02/2022 19:52

The happiest memories in my life are spending the entire 6 week holiday at my grandparents caravan, with my own boat, rope swing etc. Watching Jonathan Creek snuggled up to my Nan, grandad taking me up to the club house.

I was still spending Friday night with my grandparents when I was 21 😂.

I wouldn't swap time spent with them for anything, we had a lovely relationship. They're both dead now and I treasure every one of those memories.

The point I'm making is if the grandparents are offering to spend quality time with your kids, your kids will ultimately benefit from that as well.
It can only enhance their bond, I don't see anything wrong with it at all. My own DD has a similar relationship with my own mum now and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Ubercornsdiscoball · 22/02/2022 19:53

Do they want to take my children instead? Grin

MischievousBiscuits · 22/02/2022 19:53

I stayed over with my granny growing up and I treasure the memories. There's nothing like a night being spoiled by your granny, and if all the kids go, you and DH get some quality time.

AngelinaFibres · 22/02/2022 19:53

I am 56. My grandparents had a colour TV. Now that was exciting. They had a real fire. I have 2 now because of my memories of theirs. They had their neighbours dog sometimes. My parents wouldn't have any animals. Walking Tessa was beyond exciting for us. We used to go on the bus every Thursday. It was the time of conductors with their fabulous machines. My dad wouldn't set foot on a bus. We used to sit on the big double seat that faced inwards. It was really high up. Sooooooo exciting. Grandad taught us to build a huge bonfire and to make a giant Guy out of his old coal board overalls. He used to take us into town to choose fireworks for Nov 5th. They had time, hours and hours of time . Time to take us for walks, to chat, to explain anything and everything. The popman came on the Friday before we arrived. We used to have Dandelion and Burdock. We still call it Dandelion and bird muck. We thought it was hilarious. The beds had flannelette sheets and candlewick bedspreads and they put their false teeth in glasses by the bed. My grandma kept her gallstones in a jar in her knicker drawer.Utterly fascinating to a child. She wore a playtex girdle which she used to take off when the weather was hot. We used to pick fresh peas from grandads allotment and pod them (and eat lots of them) sitting on a bench in the back yard. Everytime I pick peas the smell takes me straight back. They were beautiful times. I hope to be half as good a grandparent as they were. Let your children have modern memories with their grandparents. A good relationship with grandparents is absolutely priceless.

katepilar · 22/02/2022 19:53

OP, would you have liked more help and support from them, when the children were little? Sounds like you are a bit bitter?

PatientlyWaiting21 · 22/02/2022 19:54

@Satsuma2019

I just don’t understand how they can be so little involved during the tough parts and suddenly want to be so involved now that the children are more interesting that’s what I meant in my OP by reaping the rewards. Obviously it seems I’m being unreasonable but based on my parents, my in laws and siblings all offering to have DDs overnight I don’t think it’s extreme to think it will be a constant thing being badgered.
@Satsuma2019 grandparents aren’t there to do the hard parts, they already did their hard parts raising you! It’s now their time to enjoy grandchildren.
godmum56 · 22/02/2022 19:54

[quote worriedatthemoment]@godmum56 they have 2 parents not just one [/quote]
and I would have agreed with you except for the Mil thinks I am selfish thing.

LittleBearPad · 22/02/2022 19:56

You’re cutting your nose off to spite your face. Let them have a sleepover.

Swipe left for the next trending thread