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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU- No overnight stays

363 replies

Satsuma2019 · 22/02/2022 18:06

Hello, me and my DH are on different pages with regards to sleepovers at grandparents (or anybody really) house. My MIL and my mum have asked a few times and I have said no because tbh I don’t really see what they are gaining by having them sleep. I’m more than happy to drop DDs off at their house for them to spend the day whilst I get on with some errands and pick them up at a convenient time. My MIL thinks I’m being selfish but I think since I’ve done all the hard parts like night feeds, teething and the troublesome twos without any help and the DDs are now easier to watch, why shouldn’t I reap the rewards and enjoy their time rather than palming them off. Plus if I say yes to one then how can I say no to everyone else and then what time will I get to spend with them?

Aibu?

OP posts:
OshaOsha · 22/02/2022 20:11

I say DP... Ex DP

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 20:12

@mummykel16 do you admit its a bit of a sexist opinion ? Do you think men and women should have equal rights
Your point is though that if a mum always gets the say over the dad what happens if they split, they won't get final say then when its dads turn
You parent together surely, you won't always agree but one person shouldn't trump the other

NatriumChloride · 22/02/2022 20:12

You’re being absolutely ridiculous and you know it, OP. There must be some back story here. Of course grandparents would now want more contact now that the kids are easier. What did you expect the grandparents to do, night feeds? Look after them whilst they were teething? Up with colic at four weeks old? You sound bitter and resentful at having to do this “by yourself” but guess what - you’re their parents OP, it’s your job to do night time wake ups for your kids and deal with their sickness and their bed wetting and night terrors and teething and all the drama it brings. Why are you expecting elderly grandparents to be involved during that time? Do you think they could have comfortably managed a colicky baby? Why would you even expect that??
My father once said he couldn’t wait for my two to grow up so that he could take them swimming, as I was getting my twins ready for their baby swimming class. I totally understood that - taking an eight month old swimming is totally different (and very stressful) to taking an eight year old swimming! Why shouldn’t grandparents enjoy their grandkids??
YABVU in your arguments- they seem utterly childish and petulant.

2022HereWeCome · 22/02/2022 20:13

We've never done sleepovers at GPs - they live 40 mins away. DS likes seeming them but wants to be home in his own bed and surrounded by his toys and things to do at night. Pre-Covid GPs used to pick him up on Sat after a class and take him to theirs, give him lunch and spend the afternoon with him and we would pitch up for dinner. Much preferred having the child free time so we could get on with stuff.

I think do what is right for you and your DC. FWIW my MIL loves the idea of looking after DS but it all gets too much for her after a couple of hours and my parents spoil DS too much so there's behavioural issues whenever he's been at theirs.

BackwardsPrawn · 22/02/2022 20:13

I also loved sleepovers at my grandparents.

I can't think they ever did 'the hard stuff' like night feeds so perhaps they could be accused of picking and choosing.

But I do know that some of my absolute most treasured memories with them were during those times. My grandad used to wake early and listen to radio 4. Sometimes, I'd go down and sit with him. Sometimes I'd sneek into my grandma's room, get into bed and grandad would bring us both tea.

My Mum never got on with them very well (not an easy relationship) but I am glad and grateful she never allowed that to prevent those times.

dottydodah · 22/02/2022 20:14

Why not give it a shot? Nothing to lose all to gain .Bloody hell OP, most people on here are saying they never get a day/night off! My DP babysat all the time for us .Even Nan did a couple of times! I also stayed with Nan a lot as a child.I would be off booking our table and Show ,before they changed their minds! Its not good to have zero free time with hubs either ,you need time together to bond as a couple .You will come back fresh to DC and they will have a little adventure!

Bromse · 22/02/2022 20:15

Grandparents did all the night feeds and nappy changing with their children, it is different with grandchildren.

Whether your children spend a night with grandparents or not is up to you but plenty do, even at two years old. How old are yours?

If they were away for a day and a night and then part of a day, you and your husband would be free to go out if you wanted to.

It all depends on the individual child. Only you can tell whether they are old enough and won't fret about not having you there, they are all different in that respect.

monkeysox · 22/02/2022 20:16

Omg if you trust them why not. Have a nice night with your dh and proper sex without shhhhh Grin

Enko · 22/02/2022 20:17

Because its really important for your child to learn to form healthy happy relationships independent of you and her dad.

Because memories of waking up at grandmas and being loved up and spoiled are a good part of childhood

because growing up in a loving family that makes you feel safe and cared for is a great gift for a child.

mandajmo · 22/02/2022 20:17

My son had a sleepover once a week with granny and grandad from the age of around 3. He loved it and had the best fun with them. It also gave my parents a new lease of life. They asked and it was always as long as they both wanted too. It was never expected or to help out.

Loti92 · 22/02/2022 20:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

lborgia · 22/02/2022 20:19

Your last post makes it sound as if you’re doing this to punish them. But they won’t know why, and ultimately it is you and your children that lose out.

This idea that suddenly you won’t see your own children is just daft. That’s what you’re being, daft.

You set the parameters.

1 - You don’t have time for daily calls, the children have a lot of things to incorporate into their evenings/afternoon. Sunday afternoon would be lovely, thanks. Maybe even a zoom so you can include all these siblings and grandparents once a month?

2 - Sleepovers are a once a term thing - in the holidays. Your siblings can just accept “no” until they’re older (and you’ll be happy to have some breathing space).

3 - You will be very clear about this, so you shut down any pestering.

I’m honestly not sure what is going on with you that you can turn a request for sleepovers into “when do I get to see my own children”. But I think there is room for self-reflection at some point.

Finally, and I’m really picking at details here, but early on, you actually used the word “worried”. As in, you were worried by the idea of them staying over. Has anything happened before to inspire this need to keep them close at all times? To you? To them?

Something is off, but I don’t know what. Maybe it’s as simple as you seeing them as yours, because no one else gave a stuff about you in the first couple of years (which in itself could need unpacking). But maybe there’s something else going on.

BobbyeinArkansas · 22/02/2022 20:19

I would love LOVE someone to take mine for a night. We don't live near any family though.
But as PPs have said they're your children so YANBU even if I personally would send them in a heartbeat if they were mine.

billy1966 · 22/02/2022 20:19

@Satsuma2019

But they could spend quality time with the grandchildren during the day. I just don’t see what quality time they would be getting when the children are asleep? Plus we don’t live locally to parents so would then have to drive back the next day to collect the next morning. We do bend over backwards so everyone has a fair amount of time with our DDs but I just think it’s unfair to be digged at and called selfish over something I’m not completely comfortable with …
If you don't want this you don't have to allow it.

It sounds as if you are being accommodating.

No one has a right to your children overnight.

Being called selfish wouldn't encourage me either.

PriamFarrl · 22/02/2022 20:19

As a child I would stay at my grandad’s farm, my great aunt’s suburban house and my parents friend’s shop. Each was exciting in its own way, but the best thing was that it gave me independence.
I was never afraid to stay away from home and from the age of 9 was going to summer camp completely alone.

Mummy1232016 · 22/02/2022 20:20

@Satsuma2019

I’m not bitter at doing the hard parts. I never asked for help and just got on with it with little help from DH too. But DGPs had very little contact during this period. Was never really bothered about visiting etc they were offered quality time but always had a reason why they couldn’t see us and now suddenly they want phone calls every day, visits every week and now sleepovers. Just a bit convenient it’s now that the children are easier they want to be involved Blush
You sound spiteful because you’ve had a tough time with your children and willing to put a blocker on some lovely memories because of this. The benefit of them staying is a whole new adventure for them, lovely memories, the warmth and lovely feeling of the children being asleep upstairs, it would be a shame to deprive them of that because they didn’t meet your expectations when things were tough Confused
lborgia · 22/02/2022 20:20

BTW, I’m not saying you have to let them go. It is your choice, and you get to say. BUT. I’m wondering why you feel like this.

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 20:21

[quote worriedatthemoment]@mummykel16 do you admit its a bit of a sexist opinion ? Do you think men and women should have equal rights
Your point is though that if a mum always gets the say over the dad what happens if they split, they won't get final say then when its dads turn
You parent together surely, you won't always agree but one person shouldn't trump the other [/quote]
No it's not sexist .

MsSquiz · 22/02/2022 20:22

But to say you don't see why they get to pick and choose doesn't make any logical sense, because you are happy for them to spend time with your children, for them to spend the whole day together without you. But the children cannot stay over night?

You even went on to say "but I'd have to pick them up in the morning" when you have no problem picking them up at the end of the day.

Why is it the "overnight" part is such an issue for you? Because you're more than happy to leave them alone with your children in any other situation

Mummy1232016 · 22/02/2022 20:22

If the children asked can we stay at GP’s when they’re older would you say no because of the reasons you’ve said here? Grandparents do get to pick and choose, they’ve done their time raising children and not obliged to do the hard bits to be eligible for the future fun bits

1ofeach2 · 22/02/2022 20:24

One of my children would happily stay at my mums but not my mil’s, i wouldn’t force my child just because it gave dad a break. MIL would have to improve her bond with my child until they wanted to stay, so depends on the relationship.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 22/02/2022 20:26

If your Dd wants to go what’s the harm. you’re being a bit strange about it

19lottie82 · 22/02/2022 20:26

Unless there’s a backstory here I think YABU. You seem to be refusing sleepovers out of spite. OK maybe the GPs could have been more involved previously but what will shutting them out now do? Surely you want to encourage your DC having a good relationship with their DGPs?

Why not try it once and see how it goes? If the DC don’t enjoy themselves, then fine, you don’t need to do it again.

You can even hit two birds with one stone and have a date night with your DH or a night out with friends while the kids are away.

ScreamingBeans · 22/02/2022 20:27

Your kids are only 2 and you think the hard bits are over now?

Oh love, bite your in-laws hands off. You'll be grateful for the breaks one day.

LightSpeeds · 22/02/2022 20:29

They're your husband's children too (presumably?) so it's not just your decision.

I think you're being unreasonable. You just don't want to and are making up excuses. It sounds like it's all about you and what you want and how you feel and not what the children or grandparents might gain.

I'm wondering if there's something else at the root of this...