do I gently challenge?

[stressedheiress]

Obv name changed. My parents have both recently died. In short succession. I'm heartbroken, particularly by the second death, which I think is common.
The wills are standard - to each other, then to children. In the last months months of Mum's life she expressed a lot of concern that she'd given my sister too much already (think millions). To be fair some of this money was offered to me but I am (as my son tells me) stupidly independent and earn a comfortable living. Anyway, I told mum that sister didn't put a gun to her head and it had been her choice. And left it at that. But she picked at the scab - saying she'd had too much, wasn't responsible, and that sister was probably giving a lot of the money to second husband's family and that upset her.
Anyway, we've recently seen the wills and there isn't mention of anything other than 50/50.
BUT. I have found a very clearly written note in her desk saying £x extra must go to the me to equalise the situation.
What do I do? i don't need the extra money. But I am very clear in my mind that Mum's wishes had changed and that it was only her ailing health (not dementia) that prevented a change being made.
Do I show sister this note and tell her what mum was saying?
I don't like confrontation. But I also don't like unfairness! Equally I don't want to break sister's heart any more.
FWIW (and I know there'll be doubters) I would be donating a big chunk of the inheritance since I don't believe money way beyond your needs makes you happier. I'm fortunate - good education, me and DH had good jobs etc (in fact sister used to justify her taking the money on the basis i was 'lucky')
Please advise how to tread through this situation.... It's literally keeping me awake at night

I think your first port of call is to seek legal advice to see if you have a leg to stand on, I'm not sure you will.

Then you can decide whether it's worth raising it with your sister.

I will say this, it sounds like your mum would have felt strongly that you kept the money? Otherwise why would she be so concerned that you weren't having it?

If this is so, then I'd also consider what you think she would preferred - you giving it to charity (which is wonderful btw but this is about her wishes) or it staying with your sister.

You sound like a lovely daughter and I think she must have been really proud of you.

Show note to sis, please leave some money to your sons, money buys choice not happiness

Tricky .... if you show your DS your mother's note how will that affect your ongoing relationship with your DS? If you have a good relationship with your DS and don't want that to change, and you don't need the money, then I would do nothing.

If you do decide to show her the letter, do it through a solicitor otherwise it could all get very unpleasant.

This is a sad and important reminder of how essential it is to prepare a proper Will.

Talk to your sister and show her the note. However it will have no legal standing so I’d be doubtful she will give you some of her share. It sounds as if it will be a substantial sum you inherit anyway?

Before you give any away do please take financial advice. It must be difficult to think clearly after two bereavements.

I'll be honest the relationship with sister isn't great... largely because I've been inwardly disapproving of the money she has taken over the decades. And she is wary of me, particularly around other people, because she wouldn't want anyone to know that this money is unearned. All a bit awkward tbh. And it makes me sad as it stands. Sadder still I suppose if it provokes a huge bust up. but perhaps it would eat away at me if I said nothing? Garghhhh!!

I'm sure your Mum didn't intend you to give a large chunk of your inheritance to charity. If she did then surely she would have done it herself. I urge you to reconsider that, even if you just keep it to benefit your son later in life. I don't know how old you are but you never know what's around the corner. Health, job stability, all sorts of things can change overnight.
I would show the letter to a solicitor before saying anything to your sister. Then decide what to do.

@Metalguru22 you are probably right. But I definitely know she was deeply uncomfortable with sister getting such a big sum when she's already had an incredible amount.

I would show it to a solicitor and see what they have to say. If it doesn't make any difference legally speaking I would not mention it to your sister, it will only cause aggro.

I agree with many of the other posters. Speak to a solicitor just to see where you stand with the note then make a decision - and keep the money for your children and even future grandchildren. Give some to charity by all means, even 5% would be a considerable donation by the sounds of it but your mum wants you and your family to benefit from her money. I think she’d prefer that regardless of how much you eventually end up with.

I'm struggling to understand why you care about 50/50. You don't want the money anyway, why do you care that your sister ends up with more (overall)?
Not everyone finds it easy to stand on their own two feet and it sounds as though she is less resilient than you, and indeed, places less emphasis on needing to be self reliant.
We're all different, one way is not superior to another.

I am sorry for your loss, it's a big blow losing them both in a short period of time. Please be kind to yourself too, and don't give this headspace that you don't have right now

Unless you really need it I think you should make peace with the 50/50 and let it go.

Your sister will think that you persuaded or hinted that your mum should do this. Given that you don't need it and intend to give it away it seems very stupid to cause all this stress and a likely family rift. Your mum could have changed her will. She didn't. I am not even sure that this note would stand up legally. Is it dated and witnessed? You sound resentful of your sister and I doubt very much that it is entirely about money. Ask yourself why you are so bothered she was given more money than you if you never needed it?

To be honest if your giving it away to charity I wouldn’t say anything. Surely if your mum wanted the money to go to charity she would have done it her self.

Agree wouldn't bother for charity

Maybe show sis the notes but say you won't act on them
Being frail is absolutely not a barrier to a will update
People do it on their death beds!

Can you talk to your sister about it? Show her the note and explain what your mum's wishes were and see how she reacts? Make it clear that your only interest is in seeing your mum's wishes carried out and to work together to come up with a solution that respects her wishes without hurting your sister, or damaging your relationship with her.

@Mundra I'm struggling too. And to express genuinely that it's not about the money (I realise that I'm probably eliciting hollow laughs and eye rolls). It's about mum's wishes. For almost the last year of her life she worried that the 50/50 was wrong for all kinds of reasons.
And yes a little bit of me really resents the way sister passes off the early inheritances she's had as her own hard work. It most definitely isn't.
Maybe I should just leave it..

Obviously you find out the legal position first.

Then you honour your mothers dishes.

You make provision for your children first.

Should yours or their circumstances change and you have given money away that would be of use, they will rightly think you very foolish.

See your children sorted and will some money upon your own death.

Wishes!

Get some proper legal advice then tell your sister.

She has taken millions already, so why on earth would you feel bad? Just say your mother wished to make things as equal as possible.

It is not your decision or problem. Your sister can take it how she pleases - please put the money away for your children, you have no idea what the future will bring and they may need it.

What I'm getting from OP is that this is eating away at her and soiling her relationship anyway. I say gently challenge!
And yeah keep some money for yourself, although I'm sensing there may be more than enough for you and charity. Your first post mentioned millions did it not?

You will probably find that the note is not legally binding in any way unless it was added to the will, signed and dated. By bringing it up with your sister, especially if you find it is not legal, will just make the relationship worse. If it is still a significant amount of money perhaps you can put yours in trust for your children. No one knows the way this world is going at the moment and they will probably be very grateful for some financial help in the future.

I am sorry OP but if it truly were your mum's wishes she would have changed the Will. Even if her health was ailing she could have arranged that. Maybe she actually decided that your sister actually needed that extra more than you do (and that the money she had earned/saved was better off in her family than being given away however good a charity is).

You'll be reducing your sister's inheritance to the tube of millions, money you don't want or need, and intend on using it to top up charity executives sky high salaries - there's nothing "gentle" about that. I'd challenge the will and keep the money, but I wouldn't kid myself I was doing anything "gently".

I think the note is already eating away at you. I think you need to get together with her and say I’ve found this note from mum, I don’t necessarily need the money but maybe we should donate that amount to mums favourite charity before we do the final split?

Tune of!